Someone hooked their iPhone to the speakers and music started blasting. Someone else shut off the lights, and all of a sudden it was like we were in a different place. Everyone was dancing. I drank another beer and felt like I could fly. I wasn’t worried about freaking out anymore.
I was shaking my hips with my arms in the air when I felt hands on my waist. “I’m glad you came,” Drew said. “You look really good tonight.” His hands felt sure and strong as they slipped under the tank I was wearing to settle on my bare skin. Thank goodness the zits didn’t travel that low. He pulled me backward toward him and we danced like that for a while; then he flung me around so we were facing each other, hips still moving together, and though I was already sweating, my body flooded with warmth. If it hadn’t been so dark, I’d have been worried that he was close enough to see past the makeup, but I barely had time to think about it before he moved his face so close to mine that it would be so, so easy for him to just lean in and kiss me.
And he did. His lips were tentative at first, as if he wasn’t sure if I’d push him away. But when I didn’t, he kissed me harder, opening my mouth with his tongue, and somehow I knew how to respond, even though I’d never done this before. His hands moved from my waist to the small of my back, farther up my tank top, until I worried he’d pull it off right in front of everyone. I pulled away for just a minute to yank it down, and then he started kissing me again.
But he moved his hands. To my face.
That’s when the panic set in. I pulled away, maybe too abruptly, because even in the dark I could see that he looked confused. “Stop!” I shouted.
“I thought—”
My head was pounding and the room was starting to spin. Was I panicking, or was I just drunk? Did it matter? “You thought wrong,” I managed to say before I ran off to find Becca and Isabel. More people had come while I was dancing, though I had barely noticed, and the small room was crowded with people, mostly paired off, mostly using the dark to make out. Where were Becca and Isabel? Why had they left me alone?
I hated the idea of interrupting them, but I had to. I had to get out of there. Through the crowd, I spotted Becca dancing with a guy I knew she liked. I grabbed her arm. “We have to leave. Now.”
“Why?” she asked. “What’s going on?”
“Let’s just go.”
“Are you okay? Are you sick?” She looked worried, but she also wasn’t moving. She didn’t want to leave; that much was clear.
But I was starting to feel the same way I’d felt during the PSAT, when I’d left the room to keep from fainting. I was sure now that it wasn’t the beer.
I was having another panic attack.
I didn’t want to faint here. I didn’t answer Becca’s question; I just ran outside and collapsed on the lawn, hoping no one had seen me. Becca didn’t come out right away, which gave me enough time to get myself together and sit up. I waited for a while trying to figure out what to do. Should I just call my parents and get a ride home? Then they’d know I’d been drinking.
Finally, Becca came outside, with Isabel. “What’s going on?” Isabel asked. “Why did you just run out of there?”
Looking back, it’s obvious I should have just told them. Becca already knew about the PSATs; if I just said I was having a panic attack, they’d understand. But it was one thing to freak out over a test; it was a whole other thing to freak out because the boy I liked had finally kissed me and I was afraid he’d see who I really was. Which meant explaining to them about the monster. I couldn’t do it.
“I’m not having fun. I want to leave,” I said, standing up.
“So we’re all supposed to just pick up and go?” Isabel asked, her voice getting louder. “We keep trying to get you to hang out with us, to have fun, and the minute we’re all actually having a good time, you get to decide it’s over?”
I turned to Becca, hoping she’d understand without me having to explain, but she looked just as mad as Isabel. Like I was abandoning her. Please, I thought. I tried to say something, anything, but standing up had made the nausea worse, and now I was so dizzy I felt like I might fall down again.
“You’ve got nothing you want to add here?” Becca asked. “Last chance to explain.”
That’s when I knew I’d lost her.
They dropped me off at home—Isabel was a little older than the rest of us, and had gotten her license the minute she was allowed. I heard later that they went back to the party without me.
That had been what finally did it. I guess Becca viewed that as my third strike, and I was out. She gave up on me, and Isabel followed suit.
“I was having a panic attack,” I told her now. “Like at the PSAT. I didn’t want you guys to know. I didn’t want to ruin the party. But I should have told you. I’m a horrible person who lied to my friends, and now you know every last one of my secrets. Okay? So now tell me yours.”
She stared at me for a minute. I’d said something she hadn’t expected. “Fine,” she said.
“Fine,” I said.
“It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time.”
She let out a deep breath, and then she was ready to talk. “I’ve been getting these text messages . . .”
“From a blocked sender,” I said.
“You know about that too?” She sounded genuinely surprised. At this point I wasn’t.
“We’re all in the same boat,” I said.
“Are you going to tell me who this we is you keep talking about?”
“We’ll get to it. What does Blocked Sender have on you?”
“That’s none of your business,” she said.
“It is now,” I said.
“I don’t think so. Why should I trust you? How do I know you’re not behind this?”
“How do I know you aren’t?” I hadn’t really thought so before, but the Justin connection gave me pause, and hearing her talk about how mad she’d been at me wasn’t helping.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said.
“Look, I know you’re still angry, but you don’t seriously think I would do this, do you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t exactly know what’s going on with you these days. You obviously have secrets, or you wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“I could say the same thing about you,” I said. “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
“Fine.” She sat back in her chair and crossed one leg over the other. “You first.”
So I told her everything. About the stress, the panic attacks, the Novalert, the pictures. Everything except the people. There would be time for that, but not yet.
“The panic attacks didn’t go away, then.”
“Nope.”
“You should have told me. You weren’t the only one under stress, you know.” She uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. “The theater stuff is hard, and there’s so much to do and so little time, and so much competition for the drama programs in college. I’ve had audition after audition and it’s just exhausting.”
I thought about my competition with Julia, and how hard I had to work just to get into the schools I wanted. Maybe Isabel was going through the same thing. It had never occurred to me.
“At first it was just a couple of bumps at a party,” Isabel said. “The drama kids were always all about coke, and it was no big deal. But the energy rush was amazing, so finally I just got some for myself and started doing it before shows. Not a lot; just enough to get me going. And then it played out pretty much like it did with you—a photo of me backstage, damaging enough to make me want it to go away.”
“But it didn’t go away.”
“Hasn’t yet,” she said. “But this all just started.”
“What are you supposed to do with the pills?”
“I don’t know yet. I’m waiting for—”
“Further instructions,” I said.
She nodded.
20.
Isabel and I sat together quietly for a while, something we’d never done ba
ck when we were friends. We’d never spent a lot of time one-on-one, really; Becca always served as the filter between us. Our friendship had been almost completely dependent on her. I’d always thought being a trio was like being part of a triangle, but now I realized that the three of us had been more like one of those playground seesaws, Becca sitting in the middle while Isabel and I took turns moving up and down, vying for her attention.
Although she probably thought it was more like tug-of-war, and she was the rope.
“What do we do?” Isabel asked. I’d never heard her sound so uncertain.
“We have to make it stop,” I said. “Will you come talk to the others with me? I’m supposed to meet up with them after I’ve talked to you.”
“I don’t like the idea of other people knowing about what happened,” she said.
“I won’t tell them. If you decide you want to, that will be up to you. There’s one other person who’s been kind of closemouthed about everything, so you’re not alone.”
“Okay, then. Where are you meeting them?”
“Good question.” I got out my phone and texted Alex. Done here. Isabel’s in. Make Justin come. Where are we meeting?
Alex texted back right away—she must have been waiting for me. We’re at Amerigo’s.
“Pizza,” I said. “Want to ride with me?”
“I’ll meet you there.”
“You’ll really come? Do you want my number, just in case?”
“I never deleted you from my phone,” she said.
I’d never deleted her, either.
By the time I got to the restaurant, Alex and Raj were already digging into an enormous pizza with the strangest array of toppings: anchovies, pineapples, green peppers, mushrooms.
“I know it looks weird, but it’s delicious,” Alex said. “It’s got that whole salty-sweet thing going on.”
“I bet Kara only likes plain pizza,” Raj said.
That was true, but I didn’t want to admit it.
“Try it—it’s really good,” Alex said.
“I’ll take your word for it.” I wasn’t hungry, though I was dying for something to drink. I went up to the counter and ordered a Diet Coke the size of a Big Gulp, in an enormous clear red plastic cup. Hardly anyone was sitting at the tables around us; Amerigo’s was more of a takeout place than a sit-down restaurant. The red-and-white-checked plastic tablecloth was worn and fastened to the table with binder clips.
I sat down next to Alex. “Did you text Justin? Is he coming? I think it’s time for us to make a plan. Isabel’s got the pills, and she’s waiting to find out what to do with them. I think we should do what we did with her and set up a camera once she finds out where to drop them off.”
“Assuming it’s in a place where that makes sense,” Alex said. “Justin’s on his way, but he isn’t happy about it. I had to call in some chips.”
“He owes you a favor?” I asked.
“He owes me lots of things,” she said, and took a bite of her disgusting pizza.
I guzzled my Diet Coke while we waited for Isabel and Justin to show up. I was curious to see how they reacted to the group—I believed that Isabel had no idea who would be here, but I wasn’t as convinced Justin would be surprised to see her. I was sure he knew more than he was telling us.
Isabel got there first, and relief washed over me as I realized I hadn’t been sure she’d really show up. She’d changed into jeans and pulled back her hair; that must have been why she’d taken a little longer to get there than I had. She sat next to Raj.
“Hi, gorgeous,” he said. “Sorry to be seeing you again under these unfortunate circumstances.”
Gorgeous? It was true, but I felt a pang hearing him say it. I wondered whether they’d ever gotten together; if they’d been going to all those fancy parties, it was definitely possible. Or maybe he was just trying to show me that I didn’t have to worry about me not telling him that I liked him too, after he’d opened up to me and I’d given him nothing back.
Or maybe he was trying to make me jealous. If he was, it was working.
“It’s much more fun hanging out with you at parties,” she said. “So is this everyone?”
“We’re waiting on one more,” I said.
We didn’t have to wait long; Justin was crossing the parking lot as I said it, and I could see him out the window. He had a stern, determined look on his face as he opened the door, but it fell away as soon as he saw Isabel. “Oh, shit, not you too.” He sounded genuinely surprised, though I reminded myself that he was an actor. He sat at the end of the table, grabbed a piece of pizza, and started picking anchovies off it. “So the gang’s all here, then?”
I turned to Isabel, curious what she’d say. She kept her cool, though. “Please tell me someone here has an idea what’s actually going on.”
“I wish I could,” Raj said. “I don’t know how much you know, but I’m guessing we don’t know a whole lot more than that.”
“Speak for yourself,” Alex said.
“What?” I asked.
“Not talking about me. I think there’s one person at the table who knows more than the rest of us.” She looked at Justin. I guess we’d had the same idea about him.
“What, me?” he asked with his mouth full.
“Gross,” Isabel said.
“Spill it,” Alex said. “If you value our friendship at all, it’s time to start talking.”
Justin put his pizza down, wiped his face with his napkin, and leaned forward. Apparently he was ready to talk. “Okay, here’s the thing. I might not have been completely honest with you guys when I told you I first started getting those texts a month ago.”
“Yeah, we got that,” Alex said. She pressed her lips together as if to keep herself from saying anything else.
“This all started about a year ago. Do you guys remember the student teacher who covered some math classes last fall?”
We all shook our heads. I’d never been in any classes with Justin, and apparently no one else had, either.
“His name was Mr. Schultz, and he was hot. I’m telling you, just super super cute. He was finishing up his undergrad at SF State, getting a teaching certification. Anyway, he taught my class for a while, and we got to talking. Pretty soon we were meeting for coffee, then dinner, though always nowhere near here.”
“Wait, you mean—” Was I understanding him right? He made it all sound so casual.
“I think we both knew we were into each other right away,” he said. “And, I mean, he was only twenty-one. Five years is nothing.”
“So this is why the mystery boyfriend’s stayed a mystery,” Alex said. “A teacher!”
“I couldn’t tell anyone, not even you, Alex. He’d get in so much trouble. Which is how this all started. We were super careful when he was working at Marbella High, but after he got his degree and graduated, it didn’t seem like such a big deal. Someone must have seen us, though, someone who knew we’d met when he was my teacher, because late last year I started getting these text messages. Just like you guys—from a blocked number. Pics of me and Mark, holding hands, kissing—enough to cause problems. The person said he’d need some favors.”
Oh, I knew all about that.
“It was weird, though—at first the favors were just answers to questions about kids at school, and mostly gossipy stuff. Who was hooking up with who, who was in charge of getting booze for parties, that sort of thing. But then the questions got a little more specific. Who was doing drugs, who was getting them. I didn’t really know, but apparently I was supposed to find out.”
“So you basically educated this person about all the kids at school and what they were into,” Alex said. “You’re the reason Blocked Sender knows all this stuff about us? You told him our secrets?” When she’d teased him about the teacher, I’d thought maybe she wasn’t so angry with him anymore, but I’d never heard her sound so mad.
“I had to,” he said. “I had no choice.”
“You always have a choice,” A
lex muttered, but she’d turned her body so she didn’t have to look at him.
“Does that mean we’re dealing with someone who doesn’t know us at all?” Raj asked.
“I don’t think so. The person seemed familiar with some of the names. And they knew what kinds of questions to ask, that’s for sure.” He looked down.
“What did you tell him?” Isabel asked. “You told him about me, didn’t you? I figured it had to be someone in drama, since no one else knew.”
“Knew what?” Raj asked.
“Not now,” I said, feeling weirdly protective toward Isabel.
“I answered every question they asked me, but toward the end it really was all about drugs. And I never told them anything about you,” he said to Alex. “I swear.”
“Whatever,” she said.
“You have to believe me. The rest of you guys, yeah, I told him about you. But I didn’t have a choice. You have to know that, now that all of this is happening to you too.”
“Because of you,” I said.
“Look, the texts started talking about statutory rape laws in California. I’m not eighteen yet—Mark could get busted for being with me. I can’t let that happen.”
“Guess you learned how to use your camera phone app, then,” Alex said. “Good job selling us all out.”
“Lay off,” he said. “Mark and I are really serious. I’m in love. Do none of you understand what that’s like?”
“Love shouldn’t have to mean turning on your friends,” Alex said. “And I notice you didn’t deny your new camera skills.”
“Enough!” I said. “Alex, I get that you’re mad. Justin, I get that you think this is some kind of romantic drama and you’re the hero for saving your boyfriend from getting arrested, but I hope you can understand that none of us care about that even a little bit. We need to come up with a plan here. Are we all agreed that we want this to stop?”
I looked around to see everyone nodding.
“Excellent. Justin, is there anything else you can tell us? Do you have any idea who this is or how many people might be involved?”
“I don’t know much,” he said. “Except you’d be amazed how many people I was able to get dirt on. This is a lot bigger than just us.”
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