His tiny mouth opened in an exaggerated yawn as he leaned back into my hold, tongue poking out, then he was trying to shove his fist in his mouth.
Warm laughter spilled from my chest.
“He’s perfect, Kenz.”
“Yeah.” A soft smile pulled at her tired face.
“You’re gonna be okay,” I told her, hugging Brendon a little closer.
“I know,” she said like she didn’t get what I was trying to say. And I knew she didn’t. This innocent, sweet girl had no clue she was getting ready to be crushed.
Fuck, I’d do anything to go back. Erase it. Change everything I’d done.
But Doug was right.
I wasn’t ever gonna be good enough.
I held my son as close as I could.
Rocking him slowly, because God, I didn’t want to let him go.
The back of my throat burned like a bitch, and I fought the moisture welling behind my eyes. Quickly, before I lost my nerve, I moved back to that hypnotizing girl, settled our son back across her chest, and kissed through the hair matted to her forehead. I didn’t move away, just let my words penetrate there.
“I’m leaving, Kenz. Leaving you and Brendon because you both deserve so much better than anything I could ever give.”
She jerked. “No.”
“Yes.”
I could feel the rush of panic swell around her. “No…Lyrik…no don’t. We can—”
“No, we can’t. Your dad got me off, Kenz. Paid me off too, and I’m taking that money. Band and the boys need it. You’ll be just fine without me.”
Trembles of revulsion and denial rolled through her body. “No. You’re lying. You’re lying.”
Yeah. I was. But she wasn’t ever going to know.
It was better this way.
Hate me, Kenz. Hate me.
And as fucking hard as I tried to keep it in, to hold it back, to just leave because I knew it’d be easier on her that way, I got selfish and pressed one last kiss to her wet lips. I closed my eyes as I gave her the complete and utter truth. “You sing my soul.”
Took everything I had to rip myself away.
She was screaming my name when I tore open the door and flew out.
“Lyrik!”
A shrill, startled cry from that tiny, innocent boy vibrated the walls, like he was a partner to his mom’s torment—to mine—like something vital had been cut away from his soul.
“Lyrik…please…no…don’t leave me.”
I didn’t slow down or acknowledge her father where he sat like a broken guardian outside her door, head bowed between his shoulders and elbows on his knees.
I just fled.
Bright lights blinded from above and gleamed against the stark white floor. I hurtled down the narrow hall, desperate for escape.
With every pounding step, I felt the separation grow. A chasm rending and ripping until I felt myself splitting in two.
Don’t leave us.
Impossible, but I could still hear her even when it wasn’t real. When she was too far and I couldn’t touch.
Lyrik…please.
Knew my battered, blackened soul would always hear her.
Gasping for breath, I stumbled out of the building and into the vacancy of the deep, deep night. Wind gusted, tumbling along the surface of the ground, a stir of agitation at my feet.
Above, the storm raged. Clouds dark and heavy and ominous.
Beside me, lightning struck. A crackle of energy shocked through the air. Wrapping me in coils of white-hot agony.
For a moment, I gave into it and let myself feel. I lifted my face to the tormented sky, hands gripping my hair as I screamed.
Screamed in anguish.
Screamed in regret.
Screamed loud enough I would never forget.
A crack of thunder opened the sky.
Rain poured.
I took the check from my pocket, heart heaving as I tore it to shreds, flying pieces impaled by fat drops of rain as I chucked them into the disordered air.
Hands fisted at my sides, I buried the memory of the way he’d felt in my arms, the memory of his face, in the deepest part of me, sealed it off and cemented my heart.
My spirit grasped and wove with the promise I had made him.
I will never fall in love again.
Not ever again.
Not after tonight.
DAWN TOUCHED THE SKY, just a whisper of pink lifting at the horizon and kissing the earth. The house sat silent like a prisoner of the night. Quiet and still.
The mountains I loved so much were framed behind it. As if they stood guard over those taking refuge within.
Eyes bleary, I swiped at them, my heart rising to my throat and sinking in my stomach, pulse throbbing everywhere.
Home.
It’d felt so far away.
Like a fairytale, and when I’d awoken as Tamar King, it’d only been a dream.
It appeared that way now. So warm and quaint and welcoming, it could only be a fantasy.
But Lyrik reminded me this could be my reality.
I killed the engine of the rental car and slowly opened the door, my knees feeling weak when I stepped out onto the desert floor and quietly latched it shut behind me.
Bugs trilled in the emerging day and the warmth of the rising sun wrapped me in its arms.
Home.
I edged toward my childhood house, boots quieted as I climbed the two wooden steps onto the front porch, hand gripping the railing for support.
Home.
Everything locked inside me when I lifted my fist and rapped it against the door.
Subdued yet strong.
It felt like an eternity passed before there was rustling on the other side. The turn of the lock. The creak of the door.
My mother, frozen at the threshold.
Hands at her mouth.
Moisture gathering fast in her eyes.
She dropped to her knees.
I followed suit.
I guessed all the tears I’d bottled for years had been unleashed. Because it felt as if I hadn’t stopped crying for days. Because my heart was broken yet somehow in this moment made whole.
Love filled me everywhere while the hollow space Lyrik left ached.
She grabbed me by the face, her touch gentle and encouraging. Firm and unyielding.
“Tamar. My baby girl. You came home to me. You’re here.”
My father rushed out from the end of the hall, fumbling to a stop when he found my mother and me kneeling on the floor, the breath visibly knocked from his lungs.
I felt like the prodigal child, on my knees and begging forgiveness for what I’d wasted.
Their love and belief and undying support. I should have always known it would be great enough to hold me strong. To see me through. But I was coming to accept not every bad choice was the wrong one. That maybe I’d needed that time to grow before I’d ever be strong enough to stand.
“You’re here,” she said again.
Yeah.
I was there.
Because of a boy.
A boy who reminded me I was brave.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE to define a person?
How many moments?
How many choices?
How many mistakes?
Maybe it’s the first time you step out on your own when you realize you’re getting there. No longer in need of that comforting guidance of your parents.
Maybe it’s the day you’re struck with what you want to be. When that spec of ambition blossoms within you and you know you’ll do whatever it takes to achieve what you want most.
Maybe it’s the first time you fall in love.
Maybe it’s the last.
Maybe it’s the sum of them.
What I did know was walking out on Kenzie and Brendon had become my definition.
Didn’t know if my doing so was the result of years of bad choices or one fatal mistake.
Because losing them? It’d felt like a death penalty.
<
br /> My soul cursed to a living hell.
I’d left that hospital bitter and hard. Sentenced to a life of regret and self-hatred. It didn’t take all that long for it to shape me. Reshape me. Shallow and selfish and lashing out. Only good things I had were my family, the guys, and my loyalty to the band.
My songs my single true joy.
Along the way, I’d allowed myself two vices. An endless string of women and bottomless bottles of booze. Of course, both those things only served to leave me a little more hollowed out than before.
That hollow space? That’s where I shored up all that hate and hostility. Where I festered with memories of what I had done.
Figured that definition would be forever unchanged.
That was until Tamar had come on like a hurricane. A rising storm gathering in the distance. Stronger than anticipated. Fierce and savage in the most beautiful way.
Blowing over me with the force of a gale wind.
Reshaping and rewriting and redefining.
Eclipsing all that dark with so many hues—reds and blues—and that brilliant, blinding white.
Until I no longer recognized who I was. Because somewhere along the way, without my permission, I had become hers.
A gentle breeze rustled through the trees, just shy of being cool. Brimming with an innuendo of the approaching winter and dimming the heat of the warm California sky.
I’d lost them then.
Just at the cusp of winter.
That’s when all things had gone cold.
Five years later, it was when I lost Blue, too.
I scrubbed a weary hand down my face.
Fuck.
I no longer knew how to live through the loss.
So here I waited like some kind of twisted stalker.
Waiting.
Watching.
Wondering if this was the right or wrong thing to do.
But I’d done so many damned wrongs in my life, I needed to make something right.
And I’d be willing to lay down bets this moment would be defining, too.
Chills spread like a crippling freeze when I saw the silver Toyota Highlander approaching then slow.
Innocuous.
Yet something about it felt absolute.
It pulled into the drive directly across from where I sat in the small neighborhood park. Red brake lights flashed as the SUV eased into the garage before the engine shut off.
My pulse spiked and sped.
God. What was I doing? But I couldn’t stop what I’d already set into motion. What my heart had already proclaimed. So I stood, drawn across the road when the driver’s side door opened and Kenzie climbed out.
Knew it’d only be her.
Just like it’d been the last three days when I’d sat in this same spot studying her routine. Because as damned much as I needed to see my son, knew I had to get her approval first. Knew I couldn’t come forcing my way back into his life if there was no chance I fit in it. And sure as hell not if it hurt Kenzie any more than I already had.
Completely unaware, she leaned back in through the car door and gathered her things, slung a laptop case over her shoulder, did the same with her purse, the girl all dressed up in work clothes and heels.
A lump knotted at the base of my throat. Heavy. Just as heavy as the boulder that sat in my stomach.
She stepped back and slammed the door. Took a single step toward the interior garage door leading into the house.
“Kenzie.” It was ragged.
Broken.
Bristling with blame.
With her back to me, she froze, her shoulders stuttering up and down. Like she was trying to find the breath I’d knocked from her. Trying to find the ground I’d yanked from beneath her feet.
Kinda sucked when just your presence held the power to cause that effect.
Slowly she turned, the straps of her bags sliding down her arm. They dropped with a thud to the floor.
Face ashen.
Eyes wide.
Soul shocked.
“Kenzie,” I chanced again, taking a step forward, hoping it was soft enough she’d get I wasn’t there to cause her more pain.
Even though I wasn’t fool enough to think this encounter wasn’t going to hurt.
She took one step back, blinked like she were trying to focus, before she started shaking her head. “No.”
“Kenzie…please…not here to cause you trouble.”
A sob tore from her and she fisted her hand at her mouth. Like she was trying to hold it in. Her eyes pinched so deeply at the corners I got the feeling she was doing her best to shut me out but didn’t trust me enough to look away.
Couldn’t blame her.
That was all on me.
“Then what are you doing here?” she finally demanded, voice a rasp of accusation and tears.
I cleared my throat. “I’m here because five years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. Five years ago I signed away my son.”
Desperation had me taking another step forward. “And I know I don’t have the right to be here, Kenzie. That all those mistakes I made cost me that right. But I need to know he’s okay. Need to know that you’re both okay.”
Nerves pricked my flesh. I raked a hand through my hair, doing my best to contain it. To, for once, stand up and really be a man. I met the fear in her gaze. “I need to see him, Kenz. If you’ll let me, I need to see my son.”
The last was a breath, and with the claim she flinched like I’d struck her.
“Why now?” she asked, mouth trembling. “Why now, after all this time?”
Glancing to the ground off to the side, I rubbed a hand over my face to clear the tension that stretched taut between us.
Anger.
Hostility.
And old, old pain I wasn’t sure would ever go away.
“Because someone showed me recently what it’s like to be brave.”
Brave.
Brown eyes moved over me. Like maybe she was just then realizing how different I looked since the last time she saw me, the ink now covering almost every exposed inch of skin.
The torment I’d written there.
Hers.
Mine.
She winced when she locked on Brendon’s name that was woven through his song.
She finally tore her attention up to my eyes that probably told more than the ink ever could.
Because I was sorry.
So fucking sorry.
But I didn’t know if that made a damned difference in the grand scheme of things.
If it was worth the upheaval of their lives. Because no question, the house behind her was a home. A place she lived with our son and the guy she’d married two years ago, something I’d discovered when I got on-line to track her down.
They were a family and I wasn’t sure how I was ever gonna fit because I sure as hell wasn’t there to break it up.
Wasn’t lying when I told her I didn’t come to bring her trouble. But that rarely mattered much since trouble seemed to be tacked to my name.
She chewed at her bottom lip, the way she always used to do when she didn’t know what to do with herself. “I always knew you would come.”
Uneasily, I shifted on my feet and shoved my hands a little deeper in my pockets. “Yeah? Because I never thought I would.”
I watched the heavy bob of her throat. “Because you didn’t want to?”
I gave her a jerk of my head. “No, Kenzie. Because it was the only thing in the world I wanted to do.”
She nodded like she got it, looked me square. “Okay.”
Okay.
I puffed out the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.
Okay.
She lifted her chin toward the neighborhood park where I’d been waiting. “I’ll bring him out…wait for us at the park.”
She turned around, then paused. Wavered. Warily, she looked at me from over her shoulder. “Lyrik…he doesn’t…”
She trailed off like she couldn’t bring hersel
f to say it aloud.
Not needing clarification, my head rocked with acceptance.
Of course he didn’t.
Didn’t expect him to know who I was.
I lifted my shoulders in a hapless shrug. “Introduce me however you need to, Kenz. Whatever makes sense. I don’t care. I just want to see him.”
A mournful smile lifted just the corner of her mouth, and she swiped at the moisture clouding her eyes. “I’ll be out in a minute. Brad needs to know.”
Something like jealousy grabbed me.
Yeah.
I’d seen Brad returning with Brendon every day, too, even though I’d never gotten a real look at my son. Just the vague awareness he was in the backseat of the truck that pulled into the garage an hour earlier than Kenzie got home.
I wandered back to the park, took a seat on the bench with my elbows propped on my knees. Same way as I’d done the last three days. Though this time…this time my insides shook and my heart thundered. Throbbed with regret same as it raced with hope.
With the hope of something different.
The hope of something good.
That something good came when the door opened about ten minutes later. Over the cars in the garage, I could only see the top of Kenzie’s head and the guy emerging behind her. They edged down the space between the car and the garage wall before they stepped into the waning light as the day got sucked away.
Same as the air in my lungs.
My breath and my heart and my spirit caught.
Everything timeless yet speeding ahead.
A small hand was clutched tight in Kenzie’s.
Brendon.
My entire being pulsed.
Emotion after emotion.
Pain.
Loss.
Regret.
Love. Love. Love.
They stood frozen across the space, because maybe time needed to catch up to them too. His free arm was tucked full of toys, the kid wearing a button-up collared shirt and jeans cuffed at the ankles, looking like a little badass with the checkered Vans on his feet.
I felt the grin pulling all over my face while my spirit flailed in every direction.
The breeze whipped through his hair.
Black.
Just like mine.
I stood.
Drawn.
Emotion gathered thick as Kenzie began to lead him across the street. Her husband hung back with his arms crossed over his chest. Stare wary and hard and full of warning.
Where Lightning Strikes (Bleeding Stars #3) Page 34