by Lynn VanDorn
Tyler thought of Ethan, who’d wanted his love because he'd thought it meant he had someone who would always take care of him. And before him, David, who'd used Tyler’s love like a rope to restrain and bind him.
Josh wasn't either Ethan or David, or any of the others who had come before, always too much of this or too little of that. Josh felt right, Goldilocks right, so right that it terrified Tyler. He was like a deer caught in oncoming headlights, dazzled out of his mind and braced for the inevitable impact, unable to move even if it meant saving himself.
The taxi pulled up to the curb. “I'll go get Josh,” Ryan said, but it turned out not to be necessary.
“I came out to see if Tyler needed me. Were you going to leave without me, Ty?” Josh’s lips curved and he looked so young in the soft peach glow of the sodium arc street lights that Tyler’s breath caught. He could have been twenty-five and Tyler sixteen, still mostly innocent, still mostly untouched.
Only those years had happened. They had molded and warped him into what he was now, this man standing here on this sidewalk, hobbled by fear but still hopeful. Even after everything, still hopeful.
“No,” Tyler said, his heart thumping wildly. “Let's go home.”
–—
Saturday, October 1st, 1:21 a.m.
Josh’s tidy bedroom
Evanston, IL
Tyler was curled into a tight ball and Josh’s body curved around him.
“Stop pretending you’re asleep,” Josh whispered near his ear. “I know you're not. That was fun. Don't get me wrong. A lot of fun. But at some point, you need to acknowledge that sex won't fix your problems.”
“Oh, and cleaning fixes yours?” Tyler both felt and sounded snarly. All he wanted to do was fall asleep, but if acrobatic sex hadn't tired him out enough to shut his brain off, nothing short of a hammer blow to the head would at this point.
Or bleeding. Bleeding always works.
No. Fuck that. Not now, not tonight. Perhaps not ever again.
You know it's only a matter of time.
Tyler wished that voice in his head would shut up, but he knew it wouldn't.
Josh sighed heavily, his warm breath caressing the back of Tyler’s head. “No, it doesn't, but I didn't just wash all my windows or reorganize my pantry. I did, however, bring you home, where you practically attacked me and then begged me to fuck you until you couldn't see straight.”
“Are you complaining? You seemed pretty into it at the time, or did I imagine the huge erection in my ass?”
Josh touched his shoulder. “No, I'm not complaining. But I think we need to talk.”
Tyler’s pulse picked up. “We should?”
“Yeah.”
“Is this when you announce that you're leaving me for Ramon, the pool boy?” Tyler wanted to laugh but was afraid it might sound like he felt: ugly and jagged and frightened.
“I don't know any pool boys named Ramon.”
“What about a nurse named Nik?”
Josh let out a soft chuckle. “You need to stop obsessing about Nik.”
Tyler wasn't obsessed with Nik, he was concerned, and rightfully so. Nik wanted Josh and Nik lived here. When Tyler left, which he had to at some point, there Nik would be, waiting to swoop in and comfort a handsome, lonely doctor.
Not that Tyler should care. That he cared at all was the problem.
“Why do we need to talk?” In Tyler’s experience, nothing good ever came from that announcement.
“You’re not happy.” But it sounded to Tyler like Josh wasn't happy. Fuck. Here it was, the beginning of the end. Heartbreak and tears, just like he'd predicted. Tyler hadn't thought it would come this soon and he was suddenly, profoundly grateful that he hadn't opened his big fat mouth and let that dangerous L-word fall out. It would've made everything so much worse.
“It's hard to be happy when your life is falling apart,” Tyler said.
“Is it, though?”
Tyler had his back to Josh but he could picture his brows raised, the sincere concern evident in his eyes. Tyler wanted to turn on the light and flip around so he could see it, but he was worried it wouldn't be there after all. That instead he would see calm indifference, so he stayed where he was, in the dark, face hidden under his arm.
“Threesome video, remember?” Tyler said. “My career possibly in the toilet. Half the world has seen me naked and fucked by two guys. Oh, and…” Tyler stopped. He hadn't told Josh about the graffiti and this seemed like a bad time to bring up the oversight. “… you know. My life is a mess right now.”
Josh ran a hand down Tyler’s shoulder, then rubbed back and forth across the hair on Tyler’s forearm. “No, it's not. You just had an audition. Tom thinks things are going well. Alicia is still your agent. The studio still wants you to do the promotion for the movie next month. Your career is fine, so tell me what’s wrong.”
“It's nothing,” Tyler insisted. You're driving me crazy, that's all. No big deal. Nothing to see here. Move along.
“You've been moody and short-tempered since you came back from California. I know you don't want to be here, back in Illinois.”
“I want to be here about as much as you want to be in LA,” Tyler shot back. “I think we're pretty much even, there.”
“Tom said we're supposed to stay together,” Josh said, his voice even and measured, the opposite of Tyler’s surly snarl. “He called me while you were in California and read me the riot act for dropping you off at O’Hare like I did. I have more vacation time at work. If you need to go home, I think I could swing maybe a month off, although it won't make me popular with my partners. And maybe a month is all you'll need, anyway. Like I said, things have been going okay for you. Well, except for the airport thing, but I think we overcame that just fine. I don't think it's impossible that things could stabilize for you within in a month. Enough for me to no longer be necessary 24/7. I can be available for public appearances if you still need me.”
He was being so reasonable, so nice, that it made Tyler grind his teeth. No, he didn't want a paltry month, no matter how logical Josh made it sound. “I don't have to go home yet,” Tyler said. “Like I told you yesterday, being here instead of LA is in my best interests, at least for now.”
“For how long?” Josh asked.
Josh was already looking forward to being free. Tyler had known it would happen, had warned everyone, including Josh, that he would hate being in the spotlight, would hate everything associated with being Tyler’s boyfriend. Fake boyfriend. Whatever. Besides, Josh had told Tyler he didn't do attached. Tyler hadn't believed him at the time. He'd thought Josh was fooling himself.
I guess the only one fooling himself was me.
“Tyler, for how long?”
“I don't know.” The words came out thick with frustration and anger. He wanted to be left alone. First Purvi, then Ryan, now Josh. They kept pushing him and pushing him and he wanted to explode. “Fix whatever’s wrong with you,” Ryan had said, like he had the first clue how to do that.
“What are we doing?” Josh asked.
“Pretending?”
Josh flopped onto his back, moving away from Tyler. “I'm sick of pretending. It's too hard.” He sounded lost and tired and done. Done with all the hassles, done with the arrangement, done with Tyler.
Tyler’s chest ached. That was almost word for word what Ethan had said to him the night they’d broken up. He turned so that he lay on his other side, facing Josh. “What do you want to do about it?”
“I want to stop. Can we just stop?”
Had anything hurt this much before? The brand on his leg, maybe. This was like a knife cutting and twisting through Tyler. “Stop? I… okay, sure, I guess. Now? Do you want me to leave?” He could call Ryan, he supposed. Ryan would take him in. Hopefully he wasn't too busy fucking his boy toy to answer his phone. Tyler could get a hotel room, except there was Oliver. He was going to have to find a cat-friendly hotel at one a.m. Tyler realized that he was edging toward panic and started t
o count. Ryan would take him and Oliver. Of course he would.
Josh tilted his head to look at Tyler. “Are you all right?” After Tyler’s tight nod he went on, “Why would I want you to leave?”
“Because if you’re not going to be my fake boyfriend, then why am I here?”
Josh was quiet.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Tyler turned on the bedside lamp, squinted in the sudden flare of light, and looked down into Josh’s face. “If I'm not your fake boyfriend, then what am I to you?” He didn't really want to hear the answer—a burden, a no-longer-convenient fuck, an unwanted obligation—but he still needed Josh to say it out loud. It would be better than this choking uncertainty.
Josh took a deep breath. He held it for a long time with his eyes screwed shut, then opened them as he let the breath out. “I told myself I wasn't going to do this. Not ever again. But here I am anyway. Funny.”
“What’s funny, Josh?” Anxiety twined with dread coiled inside Tyler.
“Nothing. This the last time, I swear to God. I am never doing this ever again.”
“Doing what, dammit?”
“This. I want to be with you, Tyler. I know I'm probably not what you're looking for and we're just together because I was there when you needed someone, but I really like you. I like you a lot and it's killing me that I'm pretending to belong to you but I don't. Not really. And if you tell me that I've gotten it all wrong then that's it. I… I’ll stick around as long as you need me, but we need stop this. No more sex, no more sleeping together. I thought I could be detached, that I could divorce what I feel from this act that I agreed to, but I can't. Not anymore. It's too hard for me to pretend like you’re everything to me in public and nothing but a willing body in private, because it isn't true and hasn't been for a while. I don't think I'm alone in how I feel, but acting is your thing and I'm not always good at reading people, so if it turns out that I'm nothing but a handy prop, then we will literally just be friends, okay? And I refuse to pine for your skinny ass for fifteen years, just so you know. I'm through with that, too. I'll find a way to get past this. But not with Nik, because he really doesn't do it for me.”
Tyler stared down at Josh, trying to make sure he'd heard the words and processed them correctly.
“Say something. Anything. Tyler?” Josh looked at him, hope and fear naked in his expression.
All the impossibilities of a real relationship with Josh flew through Tyler’s head, playing on the screen of his mind in full Technicolor. All the good and bad scenarios he'd come up with over the past week. Could this work? Was it possible?
Maybe. Maybe was such a shitty, selfish word. Maybe promised everything and so rarely delivered, but Tyler had built his entire life on maybes. This was just one more.
“Okay, ignoring that that was the craziest thing I've ever heard, am I right in thinking that you want an actual non-fake relationship with me?” Tyler asked.
“Yes?”
“Are you sure?” Josh hadn't sounded sure.
A smile broke out on Josh’s face and he catapulted from handsome to breathtaking. Hollywood couldn't have conjured a more perfect hero. “Yeah, Tyler. Be my prince, my fairy tale, my happily ever after.”
Tyler sat up and hugged his legs, grateful for the pajama pants he'd slipped on after they’d had sex. This was hard enough without being naked as well. “You know I'm difficult, Josh. My issues have issues. I'm not a fairy tale, I'm not your Prince Charming, and I'm not nice. I can't promise you happiness, let alone happily ever after.”
Josh pulled Tyler’s legs down, then straddled him with one knee on either side of Tyler's hips. He cupped Tyler’s face, holding him like he was delicate and fragile and precious. “You’re difficult and you have issues. I'm good with messes, though. You know that. And if you can't promise me happily ever after I'll take just ever after, as long as I get you along with it.”
Tyler snorted, torn between exasperation and a desperate longing to have his cake and eat it, too.
Josh went on. “I tried not to fall for you, but you didn't make it easy, and now here we are. No, I'm not sure this is a good idea, but please jump off this cliff with me.”
“It's supposed to be a relationship, Josh, not a suicide pact.”
Josh let out a bark of laughter. “God, I love you,” he said, then flinched. His entire face flushed bright red and he stilled. “I mean…”
Tyler thought his heart might explode inside his chest. Good thing the man on top of him was a doctor. He laid his hand on Josh’s flaming cheek and stroked it. “Yes?”
“That was just a figure of speech…”
Tyler smiled. He would never have to worry that Josh was lying to him. He would always know. “Really?”
Josh sagged a little. “I didn't mean to say it like that, or so soon. It's crazy, right?” Josh let out about the fakest laugh Tyler had ever heard.
“Very crazy.”
“I'm sorry. I'm getting way ahead of myself.” Josh started to pull back but Tyler grabbed his wrists, holding him in place.
“This is crazy, like you said, and I don't know how it's going to work, but maybe we can figure it out, right?”
Josh nodded, his eyes wide with uncertain hope.
“And we don't have to figure it all out tonight, do we?” Tyler let go of Josh’s wrists and instead held his hands, weaving their fingers together.
Josh shook his head, a slight smile on his face now to go with his hopeful eyes.
“Okay,” Tyler said. “Yes.”
“Yes? Yes, what?”
“Yes, I'll be yours. Yes, I'll jump off a cliff with you. Yes, I'll be your fairy tale, and your prince, and whatever else you want and probably a lot of things you don't. There may even be dragon murder if I ever find one. Yes, to everything.”
“Everything?”
Tyler looked up into Josh’s tense, beloved face. “Everything. Keep in mind that everything encompasses a lot. How about we see how things go and then start making plans for the future later? I know you think you love me, but it's only been a short period of time. I have so many more bad habits you've yet to experience.”
Josh sat back, resting on his heels and Tyler’s legs. He cocked his head to the side. “Do you know how many times I've been in love in my life?”
Tyler shook his head, not really wanting to know the answer. He already knew there had been a lot of men in the years stretching between Ryan and himself.
“Twice, and you're the second. Do you know how long it took for me to fall in love with Ryan?”
Tyler shook his head again. “I was too young at the time. I don't remember a time when you weren't in love with him.”
“Three days. That was it. Three days and I was a goner. And the morning after you and I first had sex I spent a good half-hour talking myself down, thinking I was already half in love with you and that I had to stop it or else. But I couldn't. I tried, but I couldn't. So now we're at ‘or else.’”
“Is my ass really that magical that you fell in love with me after we had sex?”
“No. Well, yes, your ass is magical, but the love part wasn't just about sex. If it had been, I'd have been in love dozens of times over the years and it never happened, no matter how hard I tried.” Josh’s shoulders drooped. “I spent fifteen years trying to replace Ryan and I failed miserably. The longer I went without falling in love again, the more I figured that he was it for me and I'd just fucked up my chance somehow. Then you came along, unexpected and unlike anyone I've ever been with, and that was it. Bam. Never mind that loving you is impractical and crazy and reckless as hell. Doesn't matter. I just do.”
“And that’s all I am? Ryan’s replacement?”
Josh looked shocked. “No. Tyler, you’re…”
“What?” It came out sounding terse.
Josh’s sweet smile spread across his face. “You’re everything.” Then he blushed, predictably.
Tyler felt like he’d been shoved off the cliff Josh had mentioned earlier. He was in fre
efall with no parachute on his back or net below. He gripped Josh’s hands tighter, afraid to let go. Josh loved him. He marveled at the impossible idea. Josh loved him. Or Josh thought he loved him. Was there a difference? Tyler had thought he was in love before, and look where that had gotten him. But what if this time was different? Tyler looked into Josh’s dark eyes and wanted to believe that he could have this: Josh and love and forever.
Josh freed a hand and stroked Tyler’s face. “Do you want me?”
Tyler nodded. “Too much.”
“There’s no such thing as too much.”
“I was wrong about that.” It might have been the dumbest thing I've ever said. Tyler felt too much right then and it hurt too much.
Josh leaned down to brush a soft kiss on Tyler’s lips. The sort of kiss to wake a sleeping princess. “Do you think one day you might love me? At some point? It doesn't have to be today, or next week, or even a month from now. But do you think we have a future? Am I crazy? Can we both be crazy together?”
Tyler’s heart lurched. “Yeah, this is crazy. We fit though, don't we?”
“God, yes,” Josh said. “You—”
“If you say I complete you then I won't be responsible for my actions,” Tyler growled.
A short burst of laughter escaped from Josh. “Your ragged edges mesh with my ragged edges. How's that?”
“Eh. Acceptable.” Tyler found himself smiling. “Meshing our ragged edges together sounds dirty. ‘Mesh my ragged edges! Mesh them so hard!’”
Still laughing, Josh swooped down to kiss Tyler into silence. “Are you done?” he asked when he pulled up.
“Temporarily.”
“Good. So, are you okay with this? With me? With there being an us?” Josh hadn't lost his smile, but doubt had crept back into his eyes.
Tyler reached up and stroked Josh’s cheek. “I don't know how this is going to work, but maybe we can figure it out. You know. Together.”
“Okay,” Josh said slowly. “Okay. And does this mean you think that maybe one day you could love me back?”
Tyler groaned. Josh was relentless, but he deserved to hear the words, as hard as they were for Tyler to say. “I'm already stupid with love for you, you impossible man. How could I not be? Some men give jewelry or flowers. You gave me a statue of a naked man holding a severed head. How could I resist?”