Learning Lessons: A Losing His Wife Novel

by KT Morrison

  Jess whispered, “I love you, Petey.”

  Then she was pulled from him roughly. She yelped and giggled, Tyler said, “Get over here.”

  Pete could hear them kissing behind him, the ruffling of clothing, lips smacking and sucking. Then Jess said, “Ew, no, I’m not going to touch it.”

  “Come on,” Tyler said, laughing, “you know where it’s been.”

  Jess laughed too, and then she was moving around back there. “Exactly,” she said, her voice projected to the back of the van.

  Pete sat up. His eyes felt red and puffy like he’d been crying but he hadn’t shed a single tear; as much as he’d have liked to.

  Jess was next to Tyler, bent over the bench, her arms working at something in the seat behind the one they were sitting on. Tyler sat next to her, his eyes lowered, watching her rump even though her long skirt had come down and covered her again, just her bare calves tucked under her the only skin visible.

  Jess turned back with an armful of different coloured bath towels. All fresh from the laundry and neatly folded. She handed one to Tyler then bent over to give one to Petey.

  She whispered, “You have to wipe down that little guy, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” he said and smiled.

  “Wasn’t that incredible?”

  “It really was, Jess.”

  Tyler said, “You’ve got the sexiest ass I’ve ever seen.”

  Jess looked over her shoulder at Tyler. “Stop it,” she said in a way that definitely meant, don’t ever stop it; keep it coming.

  Pete took his towel and stuffed a corner down his pants, tucked it into his underwear and he dried with the other corner, dabbing at the dark stains all over the front.

  Jess climbed into the front and sat herself down very carefully, wincing as she did it.

  “Anybody else hungry?” she said.

  “A Dave’s Hot and Juicy, the quarter-pound,” Jess whispered to Pete.

  Pete told the speaker box, “One Dave’s Hot and Juicy, quarter-pound...”

  Tyler snickered in the back seat and it made her smile. She looked between the seats to see him sitting behind Pete with a mischievous smirk on his handsome face.

  “Hot and Juicy?” she said to him, wry smile with an eyebrow raised.

  “No, I just think you could try the three-quarter-pounder.”

  “Jess?” Pete said, waiting for the rest of her order.

  “Uhh—”

  “You can take a lot more meat than you look like you could is all,” Tyler said from the backseat.

  She laughed, held Pete’s arm, while she still looked at the menu. She hummed again and could see that it was making Pete mad since he was trying to place the order and then that made her laugh even harder.

  “That everything?” the speaker said.

  “Get me fries,” she whispered.

  “One small fry,” Pete said out the window, rubbing his tense chin now.

  “Get a large fry, we’ll split it,” Tyler said to Jess.

  “Large fry, large fry,” she whispered to Pete, poking at his upper arm.

  “Make that a large fry,” Pete said.

  “Small fry and a large fry?” the box said.

  Pete looked at Jess, shook his head at her, and it made her laugh. She leaned over and kissed his cheek.

  “Just one fry. A large fry,” Pete said.

  Tyler got a large chilli but Pete just ordered himself a Frosty. They sat and talked a while in the parking lot of the Wendy’s, Jess ate her hamburger and her fries, and it was somehow nowhere near as awkward as it should have been.

  “Oh wow, I was so hungry I was dizzy,” Jess said, holding her burger in one hand, four fries bunched in the fingers of her other hand. She was chewing quickly, breathing deeply, her eyes rolling up.

  “Somebody worked up their appetite,” Tyler said.

  Jess laughed, said, “No, I just wanted...to be empty down there if you know what I mean.”

  Pete was spooning Frosty into his mouth, he said, “Did you like it?”

  She didn’t know. She shrugged. “It was hot having you watch him do that to me.”

  “You like when I watch?”

  She nodded.

  “Show me that picture,” Tyler said, leaning forward, his hand out to take Pete’s phone.

  “I didn’t take one.”

  “Dude,” Tyler said, disappointed, falling back in the bench, going back to his chilli.

  It was beautiful out, a bit too cold to be out in it, but there was fresh wet snow and it made everything look pretty, even the concrete and asphalt of a suburban fast food joint. It made everything look safe. Jess ate and watched the fat flakes fall, drift sort of aimlessly before they settled down on the ones that had come before.

  She was sitting on a towel folded underneath her bottom. She had her skirt pulled up and tucked behind her so her bare parts were on the terry should anything want to leak out of her. It felt like there was an enormous phantom cock stuck up her bottom—like her stinging asshole was still wide open. She smiled. This was so crazy.

  They drove home and Jess told Tyler to hide in the van until they’d sent Ashley home. She paid the sitter and watched her walk across the street to her house. Tyler came in the back door and startled them and she laughed that she could be so edgy considering how good she felt tonight after the dirty and satisfying thing they’d done. Tyler was going to stay up and watch some TV and she kissed him Good Night on the lips. He clapped Pete warmly on the back before they headed up to the bedroom and it made her feel so strange and she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

  Pete wanted to have sex but she was just too worn out. She let him spoon her and he fell asleep hugging her back with his little erection poking into her butt cheek.

  She was so tired but she lay awake for a while staring at the night sky out past the sheer curtain. She couldn’t tell Pete but she was going to find a way to keep Tyler here as long as she could. There was just no way she could deal with him leaving right now.

  Part VII

  Stuffed

  21

  Beep Beep

  Sunday, November 20th

  Jess didn’t know why but she couldn’t get it out of her head that she didn’t want Pete excluded. It was the strangest thing.

  She was brushing her teeth, Pete next to her doing the same, like most nights the two of them standing together sharing the sink. He’d always let her spit first then he’d bow his head and cover his mouth and spit. She watched him, watched the side of his head as his hand came up and covered his mouth so she couldn’t see him spit into the sink—what was he afraid she would see?

  He felt like a stranger in a way. Such a familiar reflection to her in the mirror, his narrow shoulders, his long chest hairs sticking up out of the v-neck of the t-shirt he slept in, the mark his watch had left in his wrist. She knew he’d taken it off and put it on his bedside table. Hadn’t seen him do it, but knew he did it. Familiar with a capital F. But then what was it that was nagging at her?

  It was like he made her uncomfortable. Like when it was late at night and you had to be out somewhere by yourself, maybe you were on an elevator and some man got on and the way the two of you were alone in a tight quiet space just gave you an odd feeling. A bad feeling. Why would her husband make her feel that way?

  Truth was, if she confronted it, which was rare because it was so scary, she was worried that she didn’t care anymore. She could taste it. This funny bad flavour. She wanted to have sex with Tyler and not be obligated to have to stroke Pete’s little dick and tell him all the stupid details. She wanted to make love with Tyler and not have Pete lurking in a dark corner clinking his ice cubes in his stupid whisky glass. But that meant she was done with him, didn’t it? That shook her to her core. She couldn’t accept that. That cannot be. Pete was her husband and most importantly he was the father of their two beautiful boys. This was just a game, wasn’t it? It was supposed to be fun and crazy. Pete set the board up, handed out all the pieces, th
e pretend money, the cards, the dice, he read out the rules. But this wasn’t a game anymore. This had become too real.

  Pete’s eyes were trying to catch hers in the mirror, she could sense it. His pupils darting around in her periphery when she was looking down at the sink. Right now she couldn’t look him in the eye. So she avoided the mirror altogether. Rinsed out her toothbrush, put it in the rack, lined the toothpaste up against the back wall, then left the room still looking down.

  Was her desire to add Pete to the fun a sudden desperate attempt to dilute the mix? Water down the potent seed Tyler was filling her up with? It might be just that. And if that was the case she was right to do it. This had to stop soon. It was becoming madness.

  Tyler wasn’t keen on the idea of sharing the bed with Pete. Flat out said, No, but she felt like he could still be persuaded. She’d touched Pete in the van the other night, did it so Tyler couldn’t see. Rubbed Pete’s little cock through his pants until he came. She had felt good about that. Like it was the right thing. It somehow made all the other things she was doing—truly awful things—seem to fade in their wickedness. Smoothed off the sharp edge of the very dangerous knife she was playing with.

  Jess sat on the edge of the bed, checked the clock, made sure the alarm was set. Two more days of classes and then she was off for five full days. This was going to be a weird stretch. She had so much to prepare, hosting Thanksgiving for, what? ...ten people including the kids. Her dad flying in from Arizona, Patty and Russ coming over. And guess what everyone, Tyler was still here. Oh, yeah, Dad, have you met Tyler? No? He’s just the gorgeous hunk who lives in our house now. What’s that, Dad? You think that’s weird? Why?

  Pete came to bed after her by a minute or two, and she was already on her side, her back to the centre of the bed. She was lost in a list of groceries and errands and recipes when she felt Pete’s hand on her hip. Then she was acutely aware of it. Knew what it meant, knew what it wanted. She felt obligated, duty-bound to his touch. Saying no right now in this heavy climate would be a bad precedent. It would come with a heavy weight, like dropping an anchor when you were at full speed.

  She let him explore, felt his warm soft hand work under her pyjama waistband, slip across her bare cheek and search for her warm centre. His fingers prodded at her, desperate for some approving moisture but she just didn’t feel it right now. She let her knees come apart, let him run his fingers across her dry twisted flesh.

  She turned to him, his hand coming out of her pants, and he was waiting for her, his eyes catching hers, they were wet and trembling and she forced a smile for him. She couldn’t say anything. Her mouth wanted to move, to shape some sort of sound for him, but her brain struggled.

  “Pete...”

  Her hand went over his chest and she slipped under his waistband now, and she found his little half-aroused cock. She pulled on it with her fingers, felt it stiffen. She pushed the covers out of the way with her elbow, pulled the front of his pyjama pants down with her other hand. She looked down at his penis, glad she had a reason to break her eye contact. She watched her fingers stroke his short shaft for a little while, until he was completely hard.

  She said, “I just can’t get aroused by tiny dicks anymore, baby,” she tried to smile, make him feel good.

  “What are we going to do then?” he said.

  “Look down at my hand on you,” she said, and she held his penis out so they both could look at it.

  “You’re used to much bigger now aren’t you?”

  She just didn’t want to talk about his small penis anymore. She stroked him a little faster, circled him tightly with a finger and thumb slipping it over the ridge of his glans the way he liked.

  “Ah,” he gasped.

  She said, “Soon you’ll have to move to the basement, you know. We can set up a room down there with your little trains. Okay? I’d do it now, but I just haven’t figured out what we’ll tell the boys. That’s the hard part. We’re going to have to do this very gradually.”

  “Mm, is he going to sleep in my bed, here?”

  “Sleep? I suppose, he’ll sleep after he fucks me. Fucks me like a man would. Then, yes, he’ll lay that pretty head of hair right where you are now, wrap those big arms around me, protect me, keep me safe while I sleep.”

  “He could take care of you, couldn’t he?”

  “In so many ways, Petey, in so many ways.” She stroked him quickly and lightly, responding to the trembles she felt from him.

  He gasped, “What else?”

  She thought a moment while she kept jerking him, she said, “I’m going to take Tyler to pick up my dad. I can’t wait for my dad to meet my new boyfriend. I think he’ll really like him. Dad’s a man’s man too. They’ll bond over football, don’t you think?”

  “Oh, Jess.”

  She stroked him faster and faster, she was watching him now, his head tilted back his mouth agape. She felt herself start to tear up, felt her eyes swell and sting. “Pete? I’m scared. I think I might really be falling in love with Tyler.”

  “Ah, don’t stop, oh—”

  She had to stop. She was going to lose her mind. She took her hand off him, buried her head into his collar, squeezed her eyes shut so hard she saw stars.

  “I’m sorry, Pete, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—I can’t...”

  He turned to her, bouncing around in the bed so he could face her. She covered her face with her hands.

  “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay,” he said. His arms went around her and he held her. She felt him kiss her forehead.

  “Aren’t you in to this anymore, Jess?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Sure, Petey.” She nodded, still had her face buried in her hands.

  “Jess, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. Tell me what you want, honey. I’ll do whatever you need, okay?”

  “I’m fine,” she said, her voice a funny muffled whisper, talking behind her palms, afraid to show her husband her face, “this can get pretty intense sometimes.”

  “Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, please, baby.”

  She nodded behind her hands.

  Jess pretended to sleep, let Pete hold her until she could hear his breathing turn into a light snore, then she slipped herself out of his arms and went down to the kitchen. She poured some milk into her mug and set the microwave on high for two minutes.

  She looked out the window, into the black of the yard. The snow that had come was melted now and it left everything wet and worn looking. Pete had the shrubs bundled up in burlap out there and an orange snow fence strung across the back of the yard to protect the new cedars they had planted in the Spring. The wind came across that field at the back of their house and the snow it brought could have buried them before they had a chance to take a good hold on this earth.

  She turned and lowered herself to sit on the floor, slid her back down the kitchen cupboards, sat cross-legged and let her head fall back. The light from the microwave above her cast a white sheen on the glossy cupboard of the island across from her and she could see the silhouette of her sad slump-shouldered reflection in it.

  She heard the jingle of Sargent’s collar. He came around the island, moving cautiously, then when he saw her sitting on the floor at his level, his whole body started to wag and he submissively came to her, excited to see her, walking low and expectant. She put her arms out to him like she hadn’t seen him in a year and he threw his body against her and she hugged him so tightly. She pulled him down to the floor with her and lay on her side face-to-face with him, scratching his chest while he pawed at her shoulder softly, his big black eyes watching and blinking.

  “What am I doing, buddy?”

  Was she lying to herself? What the fuck was she saying to Pete in bed? Where did those awful ideas come from? The microwave sounded out its long beeps above her, shut down its radioactive hum and the kitchen got too quiet, too dark again.

  She loved sticking that knife in Pet
e. Saying the most hurtful things because he told her he liked them. She liked doing it. She used to think she liked doing it because it made Pete happy. But she could feel some truths bubbling up in her hurtful fantasies that she whispered to him. She was really excited for her dad to meet Tyler. Couldn’t wait for her dad to see her with Tyler, felt like her dad would be proud of her, happy for her. Tyler was the kind of man Jessica Garrett should have married, should be seen with.

  Beep-beep. The microwave reminding her.

  Or would he? Conrad Garrett had suffered. His wife, Jess’s mom, had strayed. She loved her mom but she’d really hurt them, hadn’t she? Teresa Garrett had slept with another man from her work and it broke her dad’s heart. Which broke Jess’s heart. Seeing that man who represented so much strength in her life finally break down and cry. Right in front of his only child, sitting at their polished dining room table, head in his hands, his big shoulders shaking.

  Beep-beep.

  That was an awful time. Jess was out of the house two years later, off to university. Her parent’s marriage was never really the same. Then her mom got sick and she died all in the space of four months and all Jess could think about was that they’d never gotten the chance to heal. That when her mom died and left them all she wasn’t the same woman who’d raised her, made dinner every night, sang in the car on road trips, brushed her hair before she went to bed.

  Beep-beep.

  Maybe she saw it different now. She was the same woman, wasn’t she? It was just Jess’s eyes on her that changed who she was. Mom was a beautiful human being who had her own world going on in her head. Her own dreams and her own desires. Her own sadness and her own ideas of happiness.

  She clunked the door open on the microwave, cutting off the tension, couldn’t stand the dread waiting for what another beep may bring. She took her milk out and sat at the kitchen table, Sargent leaning on her knee. She drank it, quietly staring off into the dark kitchen forcing herself to stop thinking. Hoped the milk would work. Didn’t know if she could ever sleep. So much to do. So much happening.