It didn’t matter that, for the first time, the next job held no appeal. For the first time, he wasn’t excited about dispensing justice and balancing the scales. He’d do it anyway, because that’s who he was. He was the Renegade, and once this job was finished, Shea McAllister wasn’t going to be any more than a memory.
Shea watched Jesse start toward the house, then stop and scowl. A few minutes later, he turned and stalked off to his cabin. When the door shut firmly behind him, she stared down at the columns of figures again.
She wanted him. It was as simple as that, and as complicated. Jesse touched her in a way no one else ever had His tough exterior, his inherent kindness, the way he tried to do the right thing, all intrigued her and beckoned to her.
She couldn’t have fallen for some nice, easy man from Cameron, a man she’d known most of her life, a man she knew everything about. No, she had to go and tumble into lust with a man she didn’t know, a dark stranger who kept most of himself hidden from her. Tonight, she’d practically thrown herself at him. But he’d stepped away, refusing to catch her.
That was probably a good thing, she told herself. She didn’t have time to deal with a broken heart. Because Jesse would undoubtedly leave, and if she let him, he’d take her heart with him.
But she had never done the smart thing. She’d never done what she was supposed to do. And she suspected that she wouldn’t do the smart thing with Jesse, either.
Her heart wasn’t going to let her.
Chapter 10
By the time Shea finished with the books, the house was dark and silent. Maria had gone to bed much earlier, and even Buster had curled up on his bed in the kitchen. She stood up and stretched, then turned off the lights.
She was just about to head upstairs when she heard Demon in the barn. He snorted twice, and Shea tensed. She knew him too well. There was someone in the barn with him.
Without bothering with a coat, she dashed out of the house and ran across the yard into the barn. She skidded to an abrupt stop when she saw Jesse standing at the door of Demon’s stall, crooning to him.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” she demanded, her heart racing with fear.
He didn’t look at her, but she saw his hand tense on the top board of Demon’s stall. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just checking on him.”
“Why? Did you hear something?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t hear a thing. There’s nothing wrong. I just wanted to take another look at his foot.”
She moved into the barn, finally stopping in front of Demon’s stall, too close to Jesse. Demon looked fine. As she studied him, she could feel the heat from Jesse’s body wrapping around her, warming her from the inside. The scent of the outdoors clung to him, the fragrance of the wind that sighed through the trees late at night. She needed to think about Demon, but she was aware of only Jesse.
“Why are you here?” she asked in a low voice.
For a while she didn’t think he was going to answer. Finally he said, “It’s part of my job, Shea. That’s all.”
“You couldn’t sleep, could you?”
He turned to face her. She couldn’t move. She felt the tension and the need that poured out of him, and she wanted to step closer to Jesse. But she didn’t move.
“Don’t ask me that, Shea. You don’t want to hear the answer. Demon is fine, and let’s leave it at that. Go back to bed.”
“Maybe I couldn’t sleep, either.”
“That’s not true and you know it. You’ve been working on the books. I saw you...” He stopped abruptly and thinned his lips. “Get out of here, Shea.”
It was decision time. If she backed off now, if she turned and left him alone in the barn, everything would change. Oh, he’d still work for her. He’d still do more than his share of work, but nothing else would be the same. If she walked away from him now, she would be telling him that he was right. She’d be telling him that he had no future with her, no reason to want to stay.
So she grabbed for her courage and took a step toward him. “I’m not going anywhere, Jesse. Not until you tell me why you couldn’t sleep tonight.”
“Why would you think that has anything to do with you?”
“How do you know I’ve been working on the books all this time?” she countered.
He scowled. “A man would have to be blind if he didn’t see the light in your study.”
“You can’t see my study from your cabin.” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for his answer.
To her surprise, he grinned. “You’re a piece of work, Shea. You know that, don’t you?”
“You’re changing the subject. We weren’t talking about me.”
Just as quickly, the grin was gone. “Why not? That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You want me to say I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about you. Isn’t that where this is going?”
“I just want to understand you,” she whispered.
“You can’t understand me. Half the time, I don’t understand myself.”
She saw the confusion in his eyes, the terrible indecision. And beneath that, she saw the need he tried to hide “Is it so wrong to need someone?”
“Yes.” His voice was implacable. “You shouldn’t want me, Shea. And I sure as hell shouldn’t want you.”
“Why is it wrong?” she asked. She yearned to reach out and touch him, but knew that she couldn’t. Not yet.
“Because I don’t want to hurt you. And if I touch you tonight, I’m going to end up hurting you.”
“You would never hurt me, Jesse.” She deliberately misunderstood him. “I’ve seen how gentle you are with anyone who’s weaker than you, and with the animals. You couldn’t hurt me.”
“I don’t mean I’d physically hurt you. My God, Shea! I meant I’d hurt you when I leave.”
His eyes were bleak and shadowed with pain, and she ached to take it away. “You wouldn’t have to leave.”
“Yes, I would. I always leave.”
“Everything changes,” she said. “You don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, let alone next week or next month. So why live your life according to maybes?”
“There’s no ‘maybe’ about my leaving. It’s going to happen.”
Her head told her to back away. Jesse was telling her in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t going to be there for her in the long run. But her heart refused to take no for an answer. And she had never yet backed away from a challenge.
She lifted her chin. “The only reason I could turn around and walk out of this barn is if I thought you weren’t interested in me. Is that the case, Jesse?”
His eyes darkened with desire and need, but all he said was, “Leave, Shea. Turn around and don’t look back.”
Slowly she shook her head. “I don’t think I can,” she whispered. She reached out and put her hand on his chest. His heart pounded much too quickly beneath her fingers. “No one’s ever made me feel the way you do.”
“Hasn’t anyone ever told you that your mouth is going to get you into trouble?” he said harshly. But he captured her hand beneath his, holding it in place over his heart.
“I hear that every day.” She forced herself to smile, although blood roared in her ears and her heart thundered in her chest. “That’s not news to me.”
His eyes darkened as desire raged in their depths. “I don’t want you to regret anything, Shea,” he said, his voice urgent. “I don’t want you to hate me, or yourself.” He turned her hand in his and twined their fingers together.
“I could never do that,” she said. Her heart sang his name and she had to hold herself still. She wanted to throw herself into his arms, but she knew she needed to wait for him to make the next move.
Slowly he let her hand go, then he cupped her face with both of his palms. “I need you, Shea. I don’t think I’ve ever needed anyone more. But that’s all I can give you. I can’t give you permanence, I can’t give you a commitment. And I know you’re the kind of woman who needs those thi
ngs.”
“You have no idea what I need,” she said fiercely. She wouldn’t think about the future right now. The future would take care of itself.
He smiled. It was a slow, hot smile that held intimate promises. The look in his eyes made her throb inside. “I think I have a pretty good idea of what you need.” His voice was rough velvet that caressed all the nerves in her body, making her tingle.
She was appalled to feel the heat sweep up her neck and face. His smile faded and his hands slid down to grip her shoulders. Someone was trembling, and she wasn’t sure if it was her or Jesse.
“Do you blush all over?” he whispered. He let one hand trail down her chest, between her breasts, and settle on her stomach. Her skin jumped beneath his hand, and deep inside her, a huge, aching hole opened up. “Will you do it again when you’re lying naked next to me, when I tell you what I want to do with you?”
Sudden fear gripped her. Would she know what to do? Would Jesse be disappointed with her?
He must have seen the fear on her face, because his hands shifted again. This time he gently gripped her upper arms. “Are you a virgin, Shea?”
She could answer that truthfully. “Of course not.”
He stared at her, his eyes narrowed as if he didn’t believe her. Then he pulled her against him. “But you’re not very experienced, are you?”
With her head pressed against his chest, safe in the shelter of his arms, she could tell him the truth. “No.” She thought of the few hurried, fumbling encounters she’d had with the boy she’d been madly in love with as a teenager. “Does it matter?”
“Hell, yes, it matters. Get out of here now. Run away from me as fast as you can.” But his arms tightened around her. “If we make love, I may not be taking your virginity, but I’d sure as hell be taking your innocence.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be innocent anymore.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Shea. You don’t know what you’re giving me.” There was desperation in his voice. “You’re picking the wrong man.”
“You’re exactly the right man, Jesse.” She raised her head from his chest and looked up at him. “I’m not experienced because no one ever made me feel the way you make me feel.”
He stared down at her for a long time. Finally he closed his eyes. “Then God help me, because I can’t walk away from you. I’ve tried to do that since the first day I saw you, and I can’t do it. I know I’m the wrong person for you, I know I should be stronger, but I can’t do it.” He opened his eyes and looked at her again, and she saw the desire that burned there.
“I need you, Shea.”
It was a hard thing for him to admit, she knew. And she was sure that he hadn’t said it often, or to very many other women. For now, that was enough.
“I need you, too, Jesse.”
He pulled her close, and when she wrapped her arms around him, she felt him tremble. The knowledge that he was nervous, that it mattered to him, too, gave her courage. Raising her head, she whispered, “Please kiss me.”
But instead of kissing her, he said, “You could have anyone, you know. You’re a remarkable woman, Shea.”
“I don’t want anyone,” she said, her voice fierce. “I want you, Jesse.”
His eyes turned to green fire. “I’ll make your body sing, Shea. I’ll take you places you’ve never been before. I’ll give you more pleasure than you’ve ever had in your life.”
“I know you will.” She lifted her face to his.
And then he was kissing her. He didn’t kiss her gently, or give her time to change her mind. His mouth took hers with a roar of need, a rush of desire. And she felt an answering fire spring to life inside her.
She clung to him while the fire raged inside her, singeing her nerves, burning away everything but Jesse. When he pulled her closer, her body welcomed him. And when he pressed her against the boards of an empty stall, she gloried in his weight against her.
His hands roamed up and down her sides, her back, her hips. He reached around and cupped her buttocks, pulling her closer. When she felt the hot, heavy weight of his arousal burning into her abdomen, she tilted instinctively, wanting him closer.
For a moment he strained against her, then he moved away. “I need to see you again,” he said, his voice hoarse in her ear. Letting her go, he began to unbutton her blouse. She felt his hands shake as they pushed each tiny button through the even tinier hole. Watching him undress her made her blood pool deep in her abdomen, until she felt every beat of her heart in a deep, secret place inside her.
When the last button was opened, he brushed her shirt aside, then stared at the lacy bra she wore. His eyes were hot with desire when he looked up at her. “It’s a good thing I didn’t know you were wearing this earlier. I wouldn’t have been able to stop.”
“I didn’t want you to stop.”
He reached out and traced the lace with one finger, brushing closer and closer to her aching peak without actually touching it. When he lifted his hand and moved to her other breast, she clenched her hands in the cloth of his shirt to keep from crying out.
“Jesse, please,” she panted.
“What do you want, Shea?” His fingers teased her, straying so close but never touching the place that ached for him.
“Touch me.”
“That’s what I’m doing,” he whispered as he nuzzled her neck.
“No, you’re not!”
At that he lifted his head. His eyes glittered with passion and his hands trembled, but he took her hands and kissed her palms. “This isn’t going to be a slam, bam, thank you ma’am kind of night, Shea. I’m going to go as slowly as I can. I may not be able to give you much, but I can give you that, at least.”
He kissed her again, and he tasted of need and desire and a struggle for control. Her breasts flattened against his chest, and she felt his heart beating against hers. His heat was a contrast to the cool night air, and suddenly she wanted to feel his skin against hers.
But when she started to unbutton his shirt, he covered her hands with his. “Not yet, Shea.”
“I want to touch you,” she whispered. “I want to feel your skin against mine.”
He shuddered against her, and his hands tightened against hers. “I guess I’m going to have to distract you, then.”
He lowered his head and pressed his mouth against the top of her breast. The thin lace was no barrier against the hot wetness of his tongue, and she moaned his name as heat shot through her.
When he touched her nipple with his tongue, through the lace, the spasm of pleasure was so strong she nearly cried out. Jesse shuddered, then touched her other nipple with his thumb. If he hadn’t been holding her, she would have slid to the floor.
She felt his hands shaking as he fumbled with the clasp of her bra, then the cool night air brushed over her wet nipple, making her gasp. When his mouth followed, suckling gently on her nipple, she shook with the waves of desire and pleasure that crashed over her.
She had to touch him. Her hands trembled as she slid them under his shirt, letting her fingers trace the hard outline of his muscles. His skin twitched and jumped as she touched him, and when she reached his small, hard male nipples, she brushed over them lightly.
He arched into her, pressing closer, and she gloried in his response. When she touched him again, he swirled his tongue around her nipple, making her gasp, “Jesse!”
Suddenly his hands fumbled frantically at the waistband of her jeans. When the button was loosened and the zipper lowered, he shoved the denim down her hips and cupped her in his hand. His heat burned through the skimpy lace panties that matched her bra, burned all the way inside her. She needed him to fill the ache, to fill the empty spot that yearned for him.
But when she tried to unbutton his jeans, he stilled. Slowly he took his hand away from her, then brushed her hair out of her face. When she opened her eyes and looked at him, she saw the fierce desire on his face. But she also saw determination.
“Not here, Shea.
I’m not going to take you in the straw, on the floor of a barn. I let this go too far, but we’re not going any farther here. You deserve a bed, and some privacy.”
As he spoke, he buttoned her shirt, then her jeans. Finally, he took her hand and led her out of the barn. “Will you come to my bed?”
She shook her head. “We’ll have more privacy in my room. There’s no one even close.” She urged him toward the house.
“What about Maria?”
“She has her own apartment on the first floor. And she’s a very sound sleeper.”
“All right.”
Shea led him into the empty, dark house and up the stairs. Her body still throbbed and ached, but she didn’t touch Jesse. Finally they stopped in front of an open door. “Here we are.”
Moonlight dappled the room and covered the bed, outlining everything in a ghostly white, but Jesse never even looked around. All his attention was focused on her.
“You’re beautiful, Shea. Inside and out.” He traced her cheek, her mouth, her neck. “And for now, you’re mine. I’m not sure how much longer I can wait.”
“I don’t want to wait,” she said, moving closer to him. “I’ve waited far too long as it is.”
When she reached for the first button on his shirt, he stilled. Her hands shook as she moved down his shirt, but finally she drew his shirt off his shoulders and tossed it on the floor. Dark hair covered his chest, and she touched him once, marveling at how soft and silky it felt. Then she touched the waistband of his jeans.
He was hard and throbbing beneath the rough denim, and when her fingers brushed the hot length of him, he sucked in his breath. But he didn’t move. When she peeled his jeans down his legs, he bent to remove them, and then he straightened.
He was magnificent. His body was all hard angles and hard muscle, gleaming in the moonlight. And he was fully aroused. A twinge of doubt crept over her.
Then he was kissing her again, and his hands flew through the buttons on her blouse. He swept it off her shoulders, and her bra followed. In a few moments, her jeans and panties joined them on the floor.
The Fugitive Bride Page 14