The Christmas Stocking and Other Stories

by Katie Fforde

  ‘I was thinking: I don’t reckon you need to appear in the dining room very much. I’ll say Andi is stretched and I’ll carry stuff in,’ said Matthew.

  ‘I agree; if I can mostly hand things to you, you can whisper to Caroline that things are going a bit pear-shaped, and she’ll be so anxious for everything to turn out all right that she won’t be so fussed about me not serving. Andi said I didn’t have to serve all that much anyway, or we wouldn’t have attempted this malarkey.’

  ‘And I had a look in the dining room. The table’s all set.’

  ‘Thank goodness! For the first course, I’ll just put everything on the table and then ring the bell for you all to come. The other courses will be trickier.’

  ‘So are you OK to leave things now? I could tell a few more lies about you if I had to, although I’d rather not.’

  ‘Well, everything is in the oven or waiting to go, except the pudding. I don’t know where or what that is. I tried ringing Andi, but she’s obviously in an area with no reception.’ Jo went across to the wash handbasin and turned on the tap. ‘What did you say was wrong with me?’ She undid her apron and found the earrings, where she’d put them on the side.

  ‘I looked embarrassed and whispered to Caroline about women’s problems. They’ll think it’s a period.’

  ‘Thanks a bunch.’ She found a towel and dried her hands briskly. ‘Couldn’t you think of anything more embarrassing?’

  ‘Well, I could have tried a stomach upset, but I thought that might reflect on the canapés. Now come on. Just let me check you. Lovely!’ he said.

  ‘Matthew,’ she said quietly as they went upstairs. ‘As I said, I can’t get through to Andi and I need to know what the pudding is. If I know what it is, I’ve a better chance of working out where it is. Can you ask?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll find out,’ he said.

  When they entered the drawing room together everyone looked up, concerned.

  ‘She’s fine,’ said Matthew, supporting Jo’s arm. ‘She just came over a bit faint.’

  ‘You do look a bit flushed,’ said Caroline. ‘Come and sit down. Have a glass of fizz.’

  ‘Actually, I’d rather have water,’ Jo said. ‘I’ve taken some tablets – I’d probably better not drink alcohol.’ She felt a bit prissy saying this, but it would mean no one would press her to drink when she wanted to stay sober. She’d already had a glass of champagne.

  Everyone else had had their glasses filled. ‘I hope no one minded about not having presents,’ said Caroline. ‘There’ll be a little thing for you all on the table, but that’s pretty much it.’

  Jo closed her eyes and swore to herself. Table presents. Where the hell would they be? She looked across at Matthew who, having finished pouring champagne, came and sat next to her.

  ‘So, are there place names?’ he said. ‘I might go and put them round for Andi. She won’t have time.’

  ‘Yes, there are and they’re in my desk drawer, with the presents and the list about where people are to sit. Pink for girls, blue for boys.’ Caroline laughed. ‘Bit of a cliché, but it seemed easier.’

  ‘You should have let us bring you presents,’ said a man called Justin, ‘but you were so strict about it, none of us dared.’

  ‘I’m not the easiest to buy for,’ said Caroline. ‘I prefer to buy my own presents.’

  ‘I can think of something you might like,’ said Justin suggestively.

  Caroline glanced at Matthew and then said, ‘I bet you can, but we’ll leave that for later, hmm?’

  Matthew got up and left the room.

  Without Matthew there to do it for her, Jo felt she should try and find out about the pudding herself.

  ‘So,’ she said, ‘what are we having to eat? I feel quite hungry now that I’m feeling better.’

  ‘A lovely terrine, followed by a three-bird roast,’ said Caroline. ‘Ubiquitous, but delicious.’

  Jo knew this much. ‘And a traditional Christmas pudding to follow?’

  ‘With custard?’ said Justin. ‘I love custard.’

  Jo sighed inwardly. Did he mean proper custard or Bird’s? Probably Bird’s. It was a man-thing. But as long as Caroline had Bird’s in the cupboard, she’d make it.

  ‘The pudding is a surprise.’ Caroline laughed. ‘But a really good surprise! Possibly a bit explosive.’

  Jo was annoyed that she knew no more than she had before, but it ruled out a flaming pudding and holly, which was something.

  ‘Are you being clever there, Caroline?’ asked Justin, looking thoughtful.

  ‘Maybe, just a bit.’ She laughed coyly. ‘I know you’re a fan of crossword puzzles.’ She made it seem like a secret and faintly wicked vice.

  ‘I love surprises,’ said Cindy, ignoring the crossword reference – it obviously wasn’t a vice she indulged in. ‘I really want a surprise party, but so far Max hasn’t done one for me.’

  ‘It’s not going to be a surprise now, is it?’ he said. ‘If you’ve asked me to do it.’

  Jo, not much caring what sort of parties people she didn’t know had, was thinking. Had Caroline actually told her what the pudding was? The moment she could escape again, she’d have a look in the many freezers. She might find what she was looking for.

  A discreet glance at her watch told her she should really get back into the kitchen. She needed to baste everything and poke the roast with the thermometer. She got up. ‘Excuse me,’ she whispered to Caroline, ‘I need to find my handbag. I left it downstairs.’

  Caroline raised an eyebrow, but although it was embarrassing to have her think she was having a period, it was as good an excuse as any for getting out of the room. As she left she heard one of the younger women say, ‘So, tell me? Did he really appear on the main stage at Glastonbury?’

  Who the hell were they referring to? she wondered. Maybe the Formula One guy was in a band or something. How odd!

  After a cursory glance in the oven to check all was well, Jo went out to the big chest freezer. If she’d worked out Caroline’s not-very-subtle crossword clue, she’d find it in the big freezer and not the upright in the kitchen. And yes! There it was, a Bombe Surprise. Good for Andi.

  She took it out and studied it through its layers of wrapping. She decided it had a chocolate shell with something underneath. It could be ice cream or it could be mousse. She couldn’t tell by looking, but mousse seemed the more sophisticated option. There was probably something gooey in the middle that would need to be at room temperature. She hoped she’d be able to work it out better later on.

  She left it out, on top of the freezer. Later, she could check the defrosting process. Now she needed to spear the roast with the thermometer, to make sure it wasn’t overcooking, and she hadn’t got much time.

  As she sprinted back to the house she reflected that it was just as well she’d really left her handbag downstairs. It was a very utilitarian backpack and not something Matthew’s girlfriend would use to visit her boyfriend’s mother’s friend.

  When Jo got back upstairs she was aware that she’d been away longer than she should have been. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Andi was having a bit of a nightmare in the kitchen. I gave her a hand.’

  ‘You shouldn’t have to do that,’ said Caroline crossly. ‘She’s perfectly capable, and God knows I pay her enough!’

  ‘I really like cooking,’ said Jo truthfully. ‘It’s going to be a lovely meal.’ Tell them that now and they’ll be enjoying it even before they get to eat it.

  It all went unexpectedly well. Caroline and the guests were no longer surprised at Jo being absent and she managed to get all the starters out, the candles lit, the fake fire lit and the dining room festive and cosy. Then she rushed upstairs.

  ‘Andi says it’s ready, if we’d like to go down.’ She was a bit breathless.

  ‘I know you like helping,’ said Caroline. ‘Matthew has explained that you’re keen to learn cooking, but I think we should let Andi do the job on her own now.’

  Jo nodded. Sh
e’d been told. She looked across at Matthew and caught the eye of Cindy, who seemed sympathetic.

  ‘Andi has done brilliantly, though,’ said Cindy. ‘We usually hire a waiter when we’ve got this many for dinner.’

  Caroline made a face. ‘Have you any idea how expensive it is to employ staff on Christmas Day? Andi is my regular chef, so she is paid anyway.’

  ‘But you’ll have to give her a massive bonus, won’t you?’ said Justin. ‘For working at Christmas?’

  ‘I’m away a lot,’ said Caroline. ‘I won’t be here for six weeks when I go to Necker for some winter sun. Andi won’t have to do anything then. That makes up for working over Christmas, surely?’

  Justin shook his head. ‘Not really. You’ll need to slip at least a monkey into her pay packet.’

  Caroline looked horrified. ‘A monkey? How much is that?’

  ‘Five hundred,’ said Matthew. ‘I must say, Justin, that is a really generous suggestion.’

  ‘That much?’ Caroline couldn’t believe her ears.

  ‘That or a really expensive handbag,’ said Cindy. ‘I’ve discovered that if you’re generous, your staff really stick by you. Our driver is getting a week in our London flat with his family – all expenses paid – for working today.’ She suddenly looked embarrassed. ‘It’s what seemed right to me. They’re taking the kids to The Lion King. We got them really good tickets. They’ve never been before.’

  ‘I’m sure the extra cash would cover it,’ said Matthew. He gave Caroline a smile. ‘You wouldn’t want to come across as a cheapskate or Andi might leave you, and she’s such a great cook.’

  Caroline became thoughtful and looked at her guests as if gauging the mood in the room. ‘Oh, very well. I suppose I have spent more than that on a handbag before now.’ She paused. ‘But if I’m going to give her such a big bonus, I insist that she serves the pudding.’

  Jo smiled. ‘I might just help bring in the plates and things.’

  Caroline raised her eyes to heaven.

  Jo couldn’t avoid absenting herself yet again, but this time she felt Cindy’s sympathy follow her, which helped. She went to the garage for the pudding.

  Back in the kitchen, she unpeeled the silicone mould carefully and regarded the Bombe Surprise. It looked like a huge Tunnock’s teacake – ‘None the worse for that,’ she said out loud. Then she found a skewer and very carefully made a hole in the top of the pudding and inserted it. It went through nicely and came out again with some salted caramel on the end. ‘Hmm, delicious,’ she said. ‘Well done, Andi.’

  Then she wrapped a bit of kitchen foil round the stem of a sprig of holly and inserted it in the hole. Suddenly the pudding looked festive and Christmassy. She was proud of it.

  But the thought of bringing it in – actually pretending to be Andi in public, and most importantly in front of Caroline – was terrifying.

  She knew Matthew would do all he could. He’d already moved up to sit by Caroline and, when Jo had last seen him, he was talking to Justin across the table, distracting Caroline, if not actually blocking the view.

  She decided to bring the pudding in before the various forms of cream, the platter of fresh fruit and the cheese board. She checked that her chef’s cap was pulled well down and picked up the plate.

  Jo put the pudding on the table, her head turned carefully away from where Matthew had engaged Caroline and Justin in intense conversation. He had them both leaning into him, actually putting his arm on the table and curving his body around so that Jo was partly hidden. It was going to be OK, she thought.

  Then one of the women’s – Abbi was her name – voices rang out. ‘That’s funny – Andi has the same earrings as Jo!’

  Before she could stop herself, Jo had glanced up at Abbi and found everyone looking at her.

  ‘You’re not Andi,’ said Caroline, icily furious and getting to her feet. ‘Where the hell is she?’

  Jo cleared her throat. She’d been discovered, and all because she’d forgotten to take off the earrings. And she’d done so well up till now!

  ‘What the hell is going on?’ demanded Caroline. ‘Is Andi here? Get her up here immediately.’

  ‘Steady on, old girl,’ said Justin, patting Caroline’s arm.

  ‘She’s not here,’ said Jo croakily.

  ‘So she ran off to spend Christmas with her family, did she? Well, she can say goodbye to her job.’

  ‘Really, Caro, that is overreacting a bit,’ said Justin. ‘It’s not as if she just didn’t turn up. She did provide a replacement, who’s given us some pretty fine nosh.’

  Caroline glanced at him and then turned back to Jo. ‘So, who are you?’

  ‘Jo’s a friend of Andi’s,’ said Matthew, obviously trying to save the situation.

  ‘Let her speak!’ said Caroline.

  ‘Matthew is right,’ said Jo, thinking to confess everything and then she could go home. Andi would have to take her chances at getting her job back. ‘I am a friend of Andi’s. She really wanted to go home for Christmas’ – Jo managed not to say how vile Caroline had been about it all – ‘and so she asked me if I’d step in and cook the Christmas dinner.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ said Max. ‘Why didn’t you and Andi just tell Caroline you were going to cook it, instead of her?’

  Jo’s mouth had gone completely dry. She longed for a sip of water, but didn’t dare pick up the nearest glass and steal one. ‘Erm …’

  Matthew weighed in again. ‘Jo told me Andi was worried that it would give Caroline extra stress, if things weren’t as usual in the kitchen at Christmas. Andi knows how much Caroline likes her cooking.’

  Justin gave a shout of laughter. ‘You mean you thought Caroline would go ballistic if Andi took time off when she’d been told she couldn’t have it. I bet she threatened Andi with the sack, didn’t she?’

  Caroline shot Justin a glance, possibly trying to judge how he regarded this.

  ‘No worries, darling,’ Justin reassured her. ‘I like a tough woman and, if I’m going to do business with someone, I like to know they’re as cut-throat as I am. But it is Christmas, and we haven’t been let down.’

  Cindy looked at Jo with sympathy. She might be a racing driver’s wife now, but she had probably had to deal with difficult employers in the past.

  ‘Go on with your explanation,’ demanded Caroline, glaring at Jo.

  ‘There’s nothing much else to say. I cooked the dinner instead of Andi, although she prepared a lot of it – this pudding, for example.’

  Caroline made an irritated noise. ‘I got that part. But you’re Matthew’s girlfriend! How can you be Andi’s friend, too?’

  ‘Isn’t that just the most amazing coincidence?’ said Matthew to the table, as if was a wonderful thing. ‘I asked Jo if she could spend Christmas with me, but she said no, she was doing a favour for a friend. When I came here and found her in the kitchen, I couldn’t believe my eyes.’

  ‘But why didn’t you tell me?’ went on Caroline, slightly less brittle now, but even more confused.

  ‘Because—’ Jo was about to confess that she wasn’t really Matthew’s girlfriend either, but he broke in.

  ‘She felt you would feel awkward about effectively employing my girlfriend as your cook. And I agreed with her.’ He gave Caroline a fond and slightly teasing smile. ‘You would have done, wouldn’t you?’

  Caroline sighed. ‘Possibly.’

  ‘But the food has been superb, hasn’t it?’ said Abbi.

  ‘Absolutely,’ said Justin. ‘You’re a lucky man – er, Matt.’ He winked at Matthew.

  Matthew laughed. ‘As I told you all, Jo and I haven’t been going out long. I had no idea she could cook like this.’

  Now Jo realised that Matthew had managed to keep up one of their pretences, she was happy for him. At least one of their subterfuges had worked. She was grateful too. He’d done so much to help her pretend to be Andi. She relaxed.

  ‘Matt, darling,’ said Caroline, holding his wrist across th
e table, ‘did you tell me: how did you and Jo meet?’

  Jo tensed again, but left it to Matthew. He seemed to have taken to pretence like a duck to water.

  ‘Oh, you know – what you’d expect.’ Matthew laughed. ‘It was at a charity do.’

  Caroline joined in the amusement. ‘You and your animal charities! I expect you to be opening a donkey sanctuary any minute.’

  This was a bit of a shock for Jo. So he really was an animal-lover? Doing things for her charity wasn’t only so that she’d cooperate with his mad scheme. It gave her a sudden warm feeling.

  ‘Come on,’ said Justin, taking control. ‘Sit down, Jo, and have a drink. It doesn’t really matter who’s who. We’ve had a fantastic meal, cooked by you – come and join the party properly.’

  ‘Yes, and take that ridiculous cap off,’ said Caroline.

  Jo obeyed her and sat in the chair that Geoff, Abbi’s husband, found for her. She didn’t know if Andi would keep her job, but there wasn’t anything else she could do about it, and when they’d worked out the plan in the beginning they had both known that discovery was likely.

  She accepted the large glass of wine that Geoff poured out for her. She had a teetotal friend whom she could ask to pick her up, if she had to. She raised the glass to take a sip when Caroline said, ‘Actually, Jo, if you wouldn’t mind serving the pudding first, before you get plastered?’ There was enough chilliness in her tone to tell Jo that, if she was standing in for Caroline’s cook, she’d better do it all.

  She stood immediately and picked up the cake slice.

  ‘Come on, Caro,’ said Justin. ‘That’s a bit harsh.’

  Caroline laughed, trying to pretend she’d been joking. ‘Oh, you know, Jo’s a professional – she’ll know best how to serve it.’

  ‘Just get it on the plates, girl,’ said Justin. ‘I can’t wait to eat it.’

  It took Jo a little time to relax into being a proper guest, although the wine did help. But the moment the first person got up to leave, she leapt to her feet.

  ‘I’m going to revert to being Andi,’ she announced, ‘and clear up.’