by L A Cotton
"You okay, Ana?"
Shit.
"Hmm, yeah. Of course." I plastered on a fake smile and met Paul's concerned eyes in an attempt to reassure him. He had noticed, which meant that I needed to do a better job of keeping my feelings in check.
Elena muttered something under her breath, but I only caught, "Ana didn't want to come. I told her that game day isn't optional, it's mandatory."
Everyone laughed. Even the triplets, who I doubted knew the first thing about football and were most likely more interested in the guys in tight pants.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I followed our group. We were boxed in, surrounded by the whole student body. All eighteen hundred of them, by the looks of it. The thick firs started to thin out, revealing Lowe Stadium in all its glory, and I could hear music playing out over the PA system inside.
"Come on, chica." Elena broke away from Tyson and slid her arm into mine, pulling me along with her. "Time to start enjoying your college experience."
Apparently enjoying the college experience involved foam fingers, hot dogs dripping in mustard, and flat Pepsi. Sure, the noise from the three-thousand-person crowd echoed around the stadium and made it impossible not to get swept up with things, but much to my surprise, I was actually having fun. That was until Thirty Seconds to Mars blasted out over the speakers and the home crowd erupted as The Fallen entered the field.
My eyes immediately found him, in his number thirteen jersey, helmet hanging from one hand by his side, his jaw square and shoulders tense. Everything around me faded away until I could only see Jackson. He was gorgeous and looked every bit the intimidating linebacker, which Paul had informed me during his rundown of the whole team, was the person responsible for stopping the other team from scoring. And then my stomach plummeted straight into my toes as a redheaded cheerleader jumped into his arms, literally wrapping herself around him. Briony. I didn’t want to believe it. He said there was nothing between them. But my own eyes witnessed him smile down at her and whisper something in her ear, the look of adoration in her eyes as she smiled back at him. As if that wasn't bad enough, upon noticing, Braiden strolled over to them, commanding the field, wrapping them both into a hug and kissing Bitchiony on the cheek.
Before I could filter them, the words tumbled out. “Paul.” I nudged him in the ribs. “Who’s the redhead with Braiden and Ja-Pierce?” The word almost lodged in my throat.
He narrowed his eyes, a look of disgust washing over his features. “That is none other than Briony Donohue, twisted twin sister of Donohue himself.”
Fuck. How did I not know any of this? I was beginning to think that I needed to pay more attention to Elena and her ‘who’s who of CFA’.
“Hey, everything okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Trying to get a grip on my erratic heartbeat, I pursed my lips and said, “Fine. I’m fine.”
It was a lie.
I was anything but fine.
~
From the buzz in the air and cheers of excitement coming from every corner of campus, I was pretty certain that we won. My mind had shut down after seeing Briony with Jackson and the look of brotherly acceptance and approval on Braiden’s face. He wanted something to happen between his sister and best friend. That much was obvious. Had something already happened? I didn’t know what to believe anymore. But one thing was becoming clear… Briony knew. To what extent, I couldn’t be sure, but it was enough that she felt the need to send me a veiled threat. And if she knew, did Braiden know? He had definitely noticed something in the cafeteria, and I had a feeling that they were behind my recent celebrity status around campus. Which left me with one question; one that I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer to. Did Jackson know that they knew?
“How amazing was that? We totally kicked ass. I really hate to say it, dude, but Braiden owned the field.” Tyson grunted at Paul’s praise for Braiden.
“He has a point, papi. I don’t know that much about the game, but he was good. Really good.” Elena squealed as Tyson hoisted her over his shoulder, playfully smacking her butt and shouting, “Yeah, but can Donohue do that thing you love with his tongue?”
I fought back the mixed emotions. Part of me wanted to laugh at the sight of my roommate hauled over Tyson’s huge frame, panties on show for everyone to see, but most of me just yearned for the same. For my memories, for what I once had, and what I thought I might have found again. I was so messed up—and now that Jackson was in the mix, I didn’t know how much longer I could keep a hold on things. But what choice did I have? It wasn’t like I had anywhere to go back to. No, I had to just suck it up and survive.
"What's on your mind? You seemed distant at the game." Paul fell into step next to me and I recoiled under his questioning eyes, hugging myself tight.
"Nothing. Just tired."
"Why do you do that? Shut us all out? It might help to talk."
I didn't reply. What could I say? I wasn't going there. Not with Paul or Elena. Not with Jackson. Maybe one day my feisty Latina roommate would drag my darkest secrets out of me, but today was not that day.
"I like you, Ana. Maybe one day you'll let me in." He sighed, and I found the courage to look up at Paul. He was really handsome in a less obvious way to Jackson. More sweet with the big heart than mysterious and I'll break your heart. He was the kind of guy I needed in my life. Stable... Safe. But it just wasn't there, at least not for me.
I ran a hand through my hair, which was tousled from the wind. "Look, Paul, it isn't you, it's me. I know that's like the biggest cliché ever, but in this case, it's true. A nice guy like you doesn't want someone like me bringing them down."
Paul regarded me for a second, slowing to a snail’s pace. I naturally slowed next to him. "Ana, nothing you could tell me would change how I feel. I just want a chance..." He hesitated, drawing out a long breath. "But I know you're not ready. I won't push. Just know that I'm here. I'll be here whenever you need me."
Damn him. Damn you! Why can't you be normal, Ana, and like him. Choose him.
"You're going to make some girl really happy one day, Paul." I picked up my pace and walked away from him, away from safe, and toward the unknown.
~
The guys’ house was crazy when we finally arrived, after fighting our way through the excited crowds. A couple of the guys had been happy to leave the game early and prep for the party. There was a DJ station set up in the corner of the game room, at least four kegs lined up in the kitchen, and huge trays of Jell-O shots next to stacks and stacks of Solo cups.
"Time to get our party on, chica." Elena grabbed my hand and pulled me through the house.
I had only visited once before, to meet with Elena before heading to Dante's. She spent a lot of time holed up in Tyson's room, which suited me and my tendency toward my own space. It just meant that whenever she was around, she wanted to bond and get to know each other.
"Ty said the swim team would be here, right?" Lydia yelled over the music throbbing through the room.
Elena turned back and nodded. "Yeah, Devon and the guys prefer low key to the crazy that is Fallen House. I think Paul also mentioned the basketball team coming."
Lydia and Cassie almost fainted at that news. Talia looked less interested, her eyes scouring the room until her whole body tensed and a slow smile spread over her perfectly made-up face. "I'll be over there, getting reacquainted with an old friend."
She strutted over to a tall guy standing to the side of the DJ booth. He wasn't your typical hot guy. He looked more rugged. Dangerous even, with his various piercings and tattoos covering most of his neck and forearms. He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't be sure where from.
Elena asked the question on the tip of my tongue. "So, spill." She looked between Lydia and Cassie, waiting for an answer.
Cassie replied, "Apparently, Ky hooked up with Maisie Fairns last weekend. Talia was not a happy honey."
Happy honey? Were these girls for real?
"She likes Kyler. A lot.
Likes that he's Fallen. Anyway, that's Jarrod. They go back. Way back. He's not exactly settle-down material, but he's great piss-Kyler-off-material. He's also from Reibeckitt Valley."
Elena’s eyes widened and a small gasp escaped her lips. I was lost. And so fed up. Fed up with having no idea what people were talking about, tired of the cryptic stories and goings on. I just wanted to blend and survive college, take my classes, and lay low. I had only been at CFA for a couple of months and my life had become some bad mystery drama. I just wanted to shut it all out.
Eyeing the kitchen, I knew that it wasn’t my best plan to date, but for one night, I just wanted to numb myself. And it was the guys’ house. My friends' house. They would look out for me. I was safe here. Refusing to listen to the voice telling me not to do it, I made a beeline for the Jell-O shots and grabbed as many as my hands could carry. Elena beamed as I handed them out, keeping two for myself.
“There’s my girl. Salud!” Elena squeezed the small plastic cup and tipped her head back. I didn’t give it any more thought and did the same, silently hoping that I could keep the memories switched off for the night.
Just one night.
~
I stumbled out of the door; a loud giggle bubbled up through my stomach and erupted out of my lips. I cupped a hand over my mouth, just as a couple making out against the side of the house stopped and turned their heads. “Oops.” I waved them back to their kiss and made my way down the path, which proved to be harder than it should have been. My legs wouldn’t work—my brain was telling them to walk in a straight line, but they wouldn’t listen, doing whatever in the hell they wanted.
I was drunk.
Not just a little tipsy, I was totally buzzed; the telltale signs of alcohol warming my body and spinning my head faster than the Tilt-A-Whirl.
"I knew you were trouble when you walked iiiin. Shame on you..." I prodded the cool air with my forefinger, squinting through glazed eyes and trying to pinpoint the route back to McGinley. Damn, those Jell-O shots were strong.
Things were a little blurry after the fifth or maybe it was the sixth round, but it felt good for things to be muddled. Confused. It made the last couple of weeks seem like a dream. And if it was a dream, that meant none of it was real.
At the party, there had been dancing. Lots of dancing. With Paul. I danced with Paul? Huh! Talia spent most of the night sucking face with tattoo guy, Jarrod. Tattooed Jarrod. That almost rhymes. He could be called Tarrod. Or Jatoo. Tarrod Jatoo. Cassie and Lydia hooked up with swimballers. Swimballers? That can't be right. Damn, those Jell-O shots were really strong! Elena disappeared upstairs with Tyson. If the room’s a-rockin’, don't come a-knockin’.
The uncontrollable giggles knocked me off-balance, and I stumbled, trying to grasp onto something, anything, but I started to fall. Too late. I landed with a thud.
As I lay staring up at the midnight sky, the tears of laughter turned to tears of sorrow, until I was lying in the middle of the path between the guys' house and McGinley Hall, crying ugly sobs.
"Ana?"
It made sense that in my drunken hysterical state I would dream up him swooping in to save me. After all, he was the person who I had started to let in. I closed my eyes, trying to shut my brain down. Trying to force out the memories of his lips on mine. The feel of his body pressed up against mine in the closet.
I started humming Taylor Swift again, and it worked. The sobs subsided until I was no longer shaking.
"Ana, open your eyes."
No, no, NO, my mind screamed in protest. Why? Why would the universe be that cruel? Surely, I deserved a break, didn't I? Deserved to be left the fuck alone!
"You're not real. If I don't open my eyes, none of this is real."
I could sense him move closer. "Oh, it's real, Ana Parry. Open. Your. Eyes."
My eyes obeyed, snapping open. "Go away!" It was childish, but all I had. I rolled over onto my knees and pushed myself up, swaying slightly as I stood.
Jackson laughed. "Are you drunk?"
I refused to turn around. My body was affected by his presence. I was affected by his presence. This was not good—I was supposed to be pissed at him. I was supposed to hate him.
"Ana, look at me." His voice was softer this time. Almost begging.
"No." I had to shut him down right now. I staggered away from him, as fast as I dared on my unsteady sea legs.
"Ana, wait."
"Go away, Jackson. Pierce. Whoever in the hell you are."
I didn't get very far before my arm was pulled back. A trail of sparks fired along my skin where his hand grabbed me. "Please, just wait, okay?" he said as I slumped back against him.
His hand trailed along my arm and I shuddered. Even through my drunken haze, I could feel it—the connection between us. “Come on, let’s get you home.”
Chapter 11
My hand blindly searched for the source of the music blaring through my throbbing head. Shut up, shut up, "SHUT THE HELL UP,” I yelled out in frustration, rolling onto my side and peeling open one eye.
Hung over didn’t even cover how I felt. I rolled my tongue around my mouth and almost gagged, that was how gross it was. I hadn’t been this drunk in a long time—if ever. I hadn’t touched a single drop of alcohol since that night nearly eighteen months ago. Something caught my eye as I tried to bring the spinning room into focus. I slowly turned my head to try to abate the pounding and the impending memories. A glass of water and two Tylenol were on the nightstand next to a folded piece of paper.
I thought you might need these. J x
I flopped onto my back, groaning out loud with the realization that seeing Jackson hadn’t been a dream. It had been real. He had really walked me back to my dorm room, helped me strip down to my panties and tank, lifted me into bed, and whispered how he missed me into my hair. I hadn’t imagined his lips brushing my forehead before he apologized for the way things had to be. Jackson had really been here. With me. And I had been totally wasted.
And then he had left me… again.
After washing the pills down with a big gulp of water, I pulled the pillow from under my head, buried my face in it, and shut it all out.
~
"Honey, I'll drive. It's been a long day."
"No, Dad, I'll drive, it's fine. Tell him what a great driver I am, Danny." I nudged Danny's side, and he laughed.
"Don't drag me into it, Ana. Maybe your dad is right. We've been up since six. And you had two glasses of champagne at dinner."
Planting my hands on my hips, I scolded, "Daniel Pellam, I had one glass of champagne and I. Am. Fine. More than fine, I'm perfect. More than I can say about you and Mom." I looked over at Mom, who was clinging to Dad's side with a huge silly grin on her face.
"Baby, your mother is fined."
"Fined, Mom? Really?"
We all burst out laughing at the confused looked on Mom's face as she tried to repeat the word fine, unable to drop the extra 'd' she kept adding on the end.
Danny pulled me closer, wrapping his arm tighter and breathing into my hair. The gesture made me shudder with anticipation. Mom and Dad had finally agreed to let me stay over at his house. They didn't know his parents were out of town, but what they didn't know couldn't hurt them. We just had an hour’s drive before we would be back in Fort Pierce, and Danny and I could finally get some proper alone time.
Dad stepped forward, tossing the keys in his hand. "I'm not sure, Ana. You've only been legal a few weeks and you did have that glass of champagne earlier. What do you think, Danny? Are we in safe hands," he teased.
"I wouldn't want to get in the middle of this, Mr. Parry." Danny laughed, his voice a little shaky.
"Bob, call me Bob, son. Ana tells me that you have plans to go to college together. I think we can move past Mr. Parry. It’s been a year."
I waited for Dad to make a decision. He had insisted on taking us all out to celebrate Mom's promotion at the hospital. He had planned a whole day for us together down at Palm Beach Gardens
.
"Your mom looks ready to sleep," Danny whispered, his thumb lightly brushing my hand as we waited.
I watched Mom and Dad. Mom's head was tucked perfectly into Dad's chest while he gazed down at her. Thirty years together and still madly in love.
"I hope that I find that."
"Find what?" Danny asked, and I gasped a little, realizing that I had said the words out loud.
"Love that lasts a lifetime."
"Ana, if you'll have me, I'm yours. Always."
A pained scream ripped from my lungs, the blood coursing through my veins. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest, a fine layer of sweat glistened on my skin. My eyes adjusted while I tried to calm my breathing. Fine, you're fine. It was just a dream... But it wasn’t a dream. Not really. It was my worst nightmare come true.
The door rattled from the other side, startling me, and I dragged a hand through my hair to try to tame it, patting down the rumpled sheet with the other.
"Chic-" Elena paused as she walked through the door, taking in my disheveled appearance. "It's almost three. Why are you still in bed? And why do you look all sweaty?" Her brow furrowed, and I croaked out, "I'm hung over."
It was obviously the right answer, because Elena kicked the door shut behind her and set about unpacking the small overnight bag that she carried back and forth between our room and Tyson's house.
"So, fun party last night, huh? You and Paul seemed to be having a good time?"
I blew out an exasperated breath, not wanting to get into it with her. Not with how I felt. Not after the dream I had just awoken from. "Elena," my voice warned.
"What? I'm merely stating facts; you two looked pretty hot last night. The guy can dance. You got home okay, though, yeah? We came back down, and Paul said you just left."
"I made it back fine. Just feel like I drank my body weight in vodka."
"You sure went through the Jell-O shots."
I groaned, rubbing a hand over my protesting stomach. "Please don't remind me."
"So, you don't want to come to Dante's?"