by L A Cotton
“Okay, so it’s not the Jared Leto look-alike. Ooh, what about the hot guy from the cafeteria, the one who always checks you out at lunch?”
A guy always checks me out?
Elena huffed. “Please tell me that you’ve noticed him? You know the one with the shaved head and the I-make-GI-Joe-seem-lame look...” I stared at her, no clue about what, or who, she was referring to. “Ana, open your eyes. Guys are lining up for you and you’re totally oblivious. Well, at least I thought you were. Until mystery guy.”
My eyes traced the pattern of Elena’s lamp on the ceiling. It had cutouts, which created shadows. Hearts entwined with one another. Linked. Joined. Unable to break apart because they needed each another to exist.
“Chica!”
“Huh? Sorry, I zoned out.”
Elena made a disapproving noise in her throat. “You’d think I’d be used to it by now.” She smiled, and I pushed up on my elbows, shaking myself out of the trance that I had so easily fallen into. “Sorry. Just thinking. When do you leave?”
“Wednesday after classes. They wanted me to leave today, but I said no. I don’t want to miss the Thanksgiving game, and besides, four days is long enough with my mi padres.”
The thought of being alone for the whole weekend shouldn’t have bothered me. I was used to my own space, usually welcomed it. But since Jackson, I was opening up more and more to Elena. It was like they were both mending me, piecing the brokenness in me back together, and I wanted more. Four days with no Elena or Jackson would seem like an eternity. And I was worried that doubts would start to creep back in; that my insecurities would rise to the surface and take hold again.
The smile I had flashed Elena only seconds earlier turned weak, and I nodded, unable to say much more. Noticing my change in expression, Elena leaped off her bed and came to sit next to me. “If you want me to stay, I will. You shouldn’t be here all alone.” Her hand found mine and squeezed.
“I’ll be fine. Campus has organized something for the students who can’t get home. I might check it out. It’s only four days.”
Four long days. I didn’t say the words. Saying them would only make them worse. So, I changed the subject. “What time are we meeting the guys?”
“Six, I think. Paul has the tickets, so no need to go too early.”
That was still over an hour away. Too long. I needed to clear my thoughts. Pushing up onto my elbows, I swung my legs off the edge of the bed and leaped up. “Let’s go now. Grab a drink on the way or something.” Anything to keep you from looking at me like that.
Elena nodded and got up, brushing herself down. “Sounds good.”
We made our way to the student center. The crowds had already started to amass; a sea of white, green, and black. Elena hadn’t been wrong when she said CFA lived and breathed football. This was only my second game, but I still felt it. The air prickled with anticipation. As I let myself drown in the atmosphere, my pocket buzzed.
I'll see you soon. Enjoy the game. J x
My cheeks began to heat against the cool air. Jackson had promised to find a way to come to my room tonight. He had spent the whole week leading up to the game begging me to go. I eventually relented when he promised to try to sneak out of the after game celebrations to stop by.
"Looking good, ladies," Paul's voice called from somewhere behind us, and I turned to greet him. "Hey, guys."
Tyson wasted no time wrapping Elena up in his arms and my heart winced. Keeping things with Jackson a secret was hard enough, only made harder by watching my best friend so in love. So free.
"Hey, Parry, you okay?" Paul bumped me with his arm, and I smiled weakly at him. "Yeah, fine. You have remembered the tickets, right?" I asked, changing the subject.
Nate and Jamie laughed while Paul mumbled something under his breath. I might not have attended the games regularly, but I still got a running commentary from Elena and the guys the day after. Paul had forgotten their tickets more than once.
The stadium came into view, and Paul clasped his hands together. "The Wolves could be a tough game. Rumor has it there's bad blood between Braiden and a couple of their players from back in high school."
The anxiety that had been bubbling in my stomach all day started to spill out and I wrapped myself into a hug. Braiden. Whatever excitement I felt about Jackson would always be overshadowed by Braiden Donohue.
“… WOU are bringing a big crowd, it could get heated.”
“Dude, shut the fuck up.” Tyson smacked Paul upside the head and laughed, before turning his attention back to Elena, who was snuggled into his side. “Anyone would think you have a crush on the guy.”
Paul’s eye almost bugged and he stuttered, “What? I’m just filling you in. People talk. It’s kind of hard not to hear, especially when it involves Donohue.”
Tyson grunted, ending the discussion, and we walked the rest of the way in silence. With every step closer, my heart pounded harder and faster. I didn’t know if it was the anticipation of seeing Jackson or the dread of seeing Braiden and Briony. Or both. But either way, tonight was going to be a test. One I hoped that we would pass.
~
“Holy shit, did you see that ball?” Paul grinned at me. He could have been talking a different language for all I understood, but I nodded and watched as one of our players ran with the ball, trying to dodge the defense.
The score was tied at nineteen entering the fourth quarter, and the crowd was worked up. Paul had been right about Western Oregon bringing a large backing—the visiting team’s supporters filled a third of the stadium. So far, Braiden had kept his cool. I had been tracking his number one jersey. But he was a ticking time bomb waiting to detonate. I knew it, and from the way Jackson had pulled him off to one side during halftime, he knew it. And the collective sharp intake of breath around me every time a Western player tackled Braiden told me that the home crowd knew it. Everyone was waiting for the shit to hit the fan.
The crowd around me erupted and I cursed under my breath. Too busy dividing my focus between Braiden and Jackson, I had missed our player dropping the ball in the end zone, giving The Fallen a six-point lead.
“Just have to hold on for another ten minutes. If they can win the two-point conversion, they stand a good chance,” Paul leaned down and whispered into my ear, bouncing on his feet like an excited child.
My eyes searched out Jackson again. He was on the sidelines, watching his teammates organize themselves around the three-yard line. My line of sight darted back to Braiden, who was barking orders to the two guys beside him. They broke into formation and readied themselves for the whistle. And then chaos unfolded. Out of nowhere, two players from the opposing team closed in on Braiden, shouting something at him. He didn't wait around to hear them and hurled himself at the larger of the two guys, and they crashed to the ground. I watched paralyzed as Jackson threw his helmet to the ground, charged across the field, and tackled the other player. I hadn’t realized, but I leaped out of my seat, clutching the rail, willing my eyes to zoom in on the four players rolling around the field, throwing punches.
Soon, the rest of the team was pushing and shoving each other as the coaches and officials struggled to maintain order on the field. I could hear the roar of the crowd and the irate chants, but the noise rolled off me, my eyes transfixed on the scene in front of me. Jackson had the guy pinned to the ground, while shouting over his shoulder at Braiden, who was getting the better of the huge guy underneath him. But Braiden paid little attention, driving his fist into the guy’s face over and over. We were too far away to see the damage, but the way one of the officials charged at him suggested that it wasn’t good.
“Fuck. He’s crazy. I’ve never seen anything like it.” Paul blew out a breath between his teeth, and I realized that I wasn’t the only person standing to get a better look. Only they watched out of sick fascination, whereas I was only thinking about one thing. Jackson.
~
The Fallen won, but Braiden losing it overshadowed the vic
tory. After the officials and Jackson had managed to drag him off the Wolves’ player, he was hauled into the changing rooms and Jason O'Hara stepped in for the last play. I hadn't heard from Jackson and the hollow feeling in my gut told me that I probably wouldn't see him tonight.
"Are you sure that you won't stay out? Just for a little while?" Elena whined before sipping on her beer.
"Yeah, come on, Parry. It's not like you have anywhere else to be," Paul added, and Elena flashed me a discreet grin that earned her a glare.
"I'm beat. The game was a little too much excitement for one night," I quipped back at him.
Elena stood and hugged me. Once she let me go, I wished everyone a happy Thanksgiving, knowing I wouldn't see them again until after the holiday.
"If you need me, you call. Got it?" Elena whispered into my ear, careful not to alert the guys. I had asked her not to make a big deal about me staying on campus. If people knew, it would only lead to questions that I didn't want to answer.
I left Elena and the guys at the house and started to make my way back to McGinley. My mind was running on overtime after seeing Jackson run to Braiden's aid, again. Without so much as a second thought, he was there. Right in the thick of it. Hearing him talk about his loyalty to Braiden was one thing, but seeing it in action...it was like a hard punch to the chest. Could I really compete with the bond between them? Was it something that I even wanted to do?
Campus was still a hive of activity as I followed the familiar path to the dorm. Groups of students drinking out of Solo cups in Fallen colors hung out outside of the other dorm blocks. Couples walking hand in hand laughing and joking about the game. Friends making their way to Fallen House for the post-game party. It was all so normal. The epitome of the college experience.
And yet, it felt alien to me. Sure, I had Elena and even Tyson, Paul, and the guys. Cassie and Lydia, too. But other than that, I hadn't integrated into college life. Not really. Jackson had swept in, and before I knew it was even happening, he had started to fill some of the cracks and left me blinded to anything else around me.
The magnetic lock flashed green, and I pushed open the door to McGinley. My phone vibrated in my pocket, but I ignored it, heading straight for my room. Once inside, I kicked off my Converse and changed for bed. I didn’t need to read the message to know what it said. But as I lay nestled among the comforter, it didn’t stop the disappointment flooding me as my eyes scanned the screen.
Sorry. J x
My eyes flew open, trying to focus. It took a couple of seconds for them to adjust. I was in bed, in my dorm in McGinley. The soft noise echoed around the room again. Jackson. Jackson was standing in the far corner of the room, watching me.
“What the fuck?” I leaped up and pulled the cover with me.
“The window was unlocked. I cracked it open from the outside.”
“You can do that?” My head cocked to one side.
Jackson didn’t answer. Instead, he stalked toward me and dropped onto the edge of the bed. “Can I stay here?” It came out hushed, and I nodded.
He stood up and yanked his jersey over his head and desire coursed through me. He was breathtakingly handsome. And he was here—with me. After he had apologized for not being able to come. It was late, I was tired, and it was too emotionally draining to try to work out what that meant. For now, Jackson was here.
And it was enough.
Chapter 18
“So, I wanted to ask you something.” Jackson continued to tickle the bare skin on my shoulder.
“Mmm-hmm,” I mumbled, far too relaxed to even form words as his fingers left a trail of tingles.
“What are your plans for over the holidays?”
My heartbeat sped up, the way it did whenever someone mentioned anything that might lead down the path of explaining why I never went home. “Umm, I don’t really have any plans. Just a quiet one on campus. I have loads of papers to get finished.” It wasn’t a lie; a couple of my classes were kicking my ass. “Campus should be really quiet, so it’ll be a good time to catch up.”
Jackson pushed himself up off the bed, until he was looking over me. “You’re staying on campus again? For the whole two weeks?”
I nodded, letting his smooth toned chest distract me. After gawking for a few seconds, I finally said, “Yeah, I checked and they said it’s fine. The library stays open over the holidays, which is perfect and I can-”
He shifted his weight and grabbed my arms, pulling me into a sitting position. I groaned slightly at the disruption, but he cut me off, pressing a single finger to my lips. “Ana, why aren’t you going home? It’s the holidays, Christmas. Everyone goes home for at least a few days.”
I pursed my lips and shook my head, hoping he would understand. Jackson knew that I had stayed on campus for Thanksgiving. I had lied and said that my family was going on vacation, and I couldn’t afford to take time away from classes. It seemed to pacify him, but the frown on his face told me that I wasn’t getting away with it so easily this time.
“This is something that we are talking about.” Jackson withdrew his finger and narrowed his eyes at me. “Why, Ana?”
I let myself fall back onto the cushions, my eyes tracking the pattern etched in the ceiling. “There’s nothing for me at home.”
“Nothing?” Jackson’s voice didn’t disguise his shock. Or the concern.
Tears pooled behind my eyes, and I turned slightly away from him, but he palmed my cheek, forcing me to look at him. “Ana, it’s Christmas. You spend Christmas with your family. Why. Aren’t. You. Going. Home?” His jaw tensed as he emphasized each word.
I shook my head again, blinking back the few escaped tears, and Jackson dipped his head, touching it to mine. It was all too much, having him so close and needing him all at the same time. My emotions were spiraling.
“Give me something, Ana, anything. What happened?”
We lay staring at each other, unable to pull away. His eyes were speaking to me, telling me to trust them, to take a leap of faith, but something deep inside held me back. My guilt, my loyalty to Danny—I didn’t know what it was, but it stopped me from answering him. Instead, I leaned up and pressed my lips to his. My tongue swept into his mouth and he responded, parting his lips and moving them over my own. The kiss was deep and full of need. I was trying to tell him that I wasn’t ready but that one day I might be.
Jackson pulled back and his lips curled into a smirk. “You can’t use kissing to distract me forever.” He pressed another kiss on my mouth and said, “As much as I don’t like it, you being on campus over the holiday actually works in my favor. The thing I wanted to ask you…” He hesitated. “Would you like to come with me to Otis’ for dinner the weekend after Christmas? It’s kind of our tradition.”
I was speechless. This felt huge—it was huge.
“So?” Jackson’s voice pulled me from my impending meltdown.
“Umm, okay, yeah, I mean I guess if you want me to.”
Smooth, Ana, real smooth. I sounded like a tongue-tied idiot.
He chuckled, nudging my jaw with his nose, demanding access to my neck. "I want. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't. We could stay... umm, for the night. If you want to?"
"At his house? Wouldn't he mind? I mean, I'm a stranger." I squirmed underneath him as his lips nibbled at my neck.
"Ana, he's my family. And besides, Velma will love having some female company."
"Velma?"
"Otis' wife. She'll love you. They can't wait to meet you."
They can't? The thought crossed my mind, and before I knew it, the words tumbled out.
"Stop overanalyzing." Jackson's lips lingered on my skin and my body hummed with need. "I'm crazy about you. You must know that by now."
Did I? I thought I did.
His lips started to trace a line along my jaw and up to my ear. "Can't you see how much I want you whenever we are together?"
I moaned, clenching my legs together.
"Or do you need me to show you?"
Jackson covered my lips with his, his own need pressing into me.
I smiled against his lips and said, "That could work."
~
Christmas passed me by in a tear-stained blur. Elena had left for home a week ago, along with the rest of the student body at CFA. She had offered to stay, but I plastered on my best fake smile, hugged her, and sent her on her way. Then I had stocked up on supplies from the small convenience store on campus, locked myself in my dorm room, and watched non-stop reruns of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and Home Alone.
Aunt Betsy had called the day before Christmas Eve, begging me to visit them instead of spending it alone. But I just couldn’t do it. Even though I had been doing better, Christmas was a time to remember, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. So, I spent Christmas Day wrapped in my comforter, eating Oreos and pretzels. Jackson texted a couple of times, but he was officially back at the Donohue’s for the holiday. The thought alone made me want to puke, and every time I closed my eyes, poisonous thoughts crept into my mind. Images of him and Briony all cozied up, enjoying the festivities. Braiden egging them on, telling them how great it would be if they got together. The whole thing was downright wrong. They were pretty much brother and sister, for Christ’s sake. By the time Saturday arrived and I had stood outside the back of McGinley shivering in my jacket, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go with Jackson to Blacks anymore.
Jackson’s car pulled up, and he rushed out, pulling me into his arms and holding me close. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
I had missed him, too—so much—but the void had started to take hold and had me questioning everything again. Jackson pulled away, holding me at arm’s length. “What’s the matter? What’s wrong?” His eyes searched mine.
I dropped my head, unable to meet his gaze, but his hand skimmed my jaw, lifting my head back. “Ana, what’s going on?”