The Barbershop Seven

by Douglas Lindsay

  To add some grotesque effect, he had left some of Wullie stewing in a pot, to make it look as if Chris had been in the habit of cooking his victims and had fled the city even as the last one boiled. After partially cooking the body parts, he had replaced the water with cold to ensure that no one would come across still hot water in the kitchen. It had been mildly disgusting when he'd removed the hand and the melange of viscera from their plastic bags, but a couple of hours of transferring body parts from the freezer to his car had toughened his stomach beyond reason.

  Still he was left with seven bodies to dispose of, and quickly too, before they began to stink his car out; before Agnes noticed that the rear seat was piled high with black plastic bags. He would have to sneak out that night on this gruesome errand, but first he had work to finish in Chris's flat, making it look like he had made a hasty exit. Clothes left lying around, a bag half-packed but left behind, another bag and some clothes gone. Someone might know that they were missing. Thought of leaving a meal half eaten on the table, but that would have been unnecessarily dramatic. And time consuming. Perhaps he had another couple of hours to spare; perhaps he didn't.

  On his way to the flat, he had gone into Central Station and purchased a one way ticket to London using Chris's credit card. He was unsure of how quickly the police could check up on that kind of thing, but it would be an effective red herring if they did. Rather pleased with himself for having thought of it.

  He walked around the house, doing what he thought was necessary to make it appear that Chris was in flight. Found a set of three travel bags of different sizes, perfect for his requirements. Removed the middle one, hoping that it would be noticed, while he half packed the bigger one with a random selection of clothes. The bed had been made, so he ruffled the sheets, lay down in it for a while to give it the correct appearance.

  After twenty minutes of stalking around the flat, deciding what else he could do to precipitate the belief that Chris was a killer in flight, he was done. Gathered up the bag with whatever articles from the flat he decided should be removed and prepared to leave.

  A good afternoon's work was complete.

  ***

  Holdall parked his car outside the tenement block where Chris had his flat. In front was a car with black plastic bags piled high in the back seat. Stared at it for a second or two, mildly curious, then let the thought pass.

  They got out of the car and stood on the pavement in the lightly falling drizzle, looking up at the third floor. It was a typical West End block; huge rooms, large bay windows looking out onto the street, not far from the university. The lights were out in the flat, as Barney had toiled on in the ever deepening gloom, frightened to illuminate the windows.

  'Nice block,' said Holdall. 'How the hell can a sodding barber afford to live here? Tell me that, Sergeant.'

  'Lucrative business, barbery, I suppose. There's always some bampot wanting their hair cut. Big tippers in this area too, I expect.'

  'While we toil away doing the Queen's bidding, working with the scum and filth of the world, and we get paid a bloody pittance. Bastards.'

  'The Queen's bidding?'

  'You know what I mean, Sergeant. I was being poetic. You've got those keys?'

  'Aye, sir. Should do the trick.'

  The door into the close was locked. MacPherson produced a huge bundle of keys from his pocket, started working his way through them. No point in letting any caretaker know the police were here, if they didn't have to. There would be time enough for all those obstructive bastards to get in their way. He was really hoping that they wouldn't be able to get into the flat itself, because that'd give them an excuse to kick the door down. Hadn't had to kick down a door for a couple of years now. One of the staples of a policeman's diet.

  At the fourth attempt the door clicked open and the two men trudged into the dreary close, the door slamming shut behind them.

  Upstairs, Barney heard the faint rumour of the door closing and jumped. Thought about it for a second, realised he had no reason to worry. There were plenty more people in these flats to be using the door, there was no reason why anyone should be coming here. Very likely the police hadn't even been called yet. And it wasn't as if Chris was going to be coming back.

  He quickly looked around the dark of the room, the lights from outside sending strange shadows scuttling into the corners. A shiver drifted lazily up and down his back at the thought. Had seen enough horror films in his time to not even need to use his imagination.

  Dismissed the thought, pulled himself together. It wasn't going to be Chris coming up the stairs, or anyone else coming here for that matter. Still, he'd better get a move on.

  Everything was done that he could think to do, the bag waited ready at the door. He just had to hope that he'd done enough to incriminate Chris, without making it look like the set-up job that it was. All that remained was to dispose of seven bodies. Piece of cake. Wondered if they ever had to do that on any of his mother's game shows. Lose That Corpse!

  Presumed he'd have to face the police another few times. If his nerve held, and the police were as stupid as everyone thought they were, he might get away with it. Piece of cake.

  The doorbell rang.

  Barney lost momentary control of his bowel and bladder functions, only managed to get them together after the initial damage had been done. Heart started thumping extravagantly – would it ever stop? – his head span into a frantic muddle.

  God, there was someone at the door. Who the hell was it going to be? A friend of Chris's? Chris's ghost? His parents? The police? A host of seven dead bodies re-assembled to take their revenge?

  Pull yourself together, for God's sake, Barney! Ghosts didn't ring the doorbell. The police? Would the police ring the doorbell? Probably not. Those bloody thugs would just barge the door down. It must be friends of his, someone like that.

  A key! They might have a key! You can't just stand here like a lettuce, Barney. Hide!

  He quickly dashed through the flat, trying not to make any noise with his footfalls, anxiously looking in every door to see if there was any cupboard space. Found it behind a door in the hall, next to the bedroom. There were shelves inside, with sheets and blankets, but there was enough space at the bottom to crouch down and pull the door shut.

  He held his breath and waited, trying to think if he had left anything of his own lying around.

  His heart jumped again as the doorbell rang once more, and then keys were pushed into the lock. Whoever it was seemed to be having some trouble because they couldn't open the door immediately. Funny if it was someone trying to break in, he thought. Even funnier if they then tripped over the bag he'd left just behind the door. Too bad he couldn't see it.

  Shit! The bag. The bloody bag. He'd left it lying in the hall. He had to get it.

  Closed his eyes and tried to think. Dare he go out? Every few seconds a key was inserted in the lock and then withdrawn. Whoever it was, they didn't have the actual door key; must be trying a bunch of skeleton keys. What did that mean? Think man!

  The police! The police maybe. If that was who it was, then he had to get the bag. He had to risk it.

  He waited until the latest key had been tried and failed, gently opening the door and poking his head round. The bag sat in the middle of the darkened hallway, about three or four yards away. One more attempt with the key, he thought, and hope they didn't get in.

  The key fumbled in the lock and then was withdrawn. In the silence he heard someone curse at the door. Couldn't wait any longer. He got up out of the cupboard and dashed the few yards to the bag. As his hand fell on the handle, another key was inserted in the lock. There was a deafening, damning click, and if his pants hadn't quite been laid waste from the previous occasion, they were now. The door was pushed open, and he heard a 'thank God for that'. He dived back to the cupboard, the brief second that it took for the key to be removed from the door giving him just enough time to get back into hiding.

  Gently he closed the door of the
cupboard, just as the first man poked his face around the door.

  MacPherson flicked the light switch and they looked around. It was a large entrance hall, several doors leading off. The walls were hung with various framed movie posters – Brazil, Pulp Fiction, Casablanca – and Holdall grunted as he looked upon a flat which was clearly going to be a lot nicer than his own house.

  He wandered off to the front of the flat, where he presumed would lie the sitting room and possibly the main bedroom. Walked through the door, hit the switch. He was indeed in the sitting room. Cursed under his breath at the decoration and furniture. The three piece suite looked just like the kind of one which he would never be able to afford. Wishing to make himself feel worse about it, he slumped down into one of the seats to see how comfortable they were.

  Unbelievably bloody comfortable, he reflected as he looked around him. There was a huge television, two video recorders, (if the bastard ever turned up, he thought, we can probably get him for pirating), a music system the size of a small African republic, and a computer which had clearly been rescued from a space ship. Cursed, rolled his eyes.

  'This bastard has got to be up to something more than cutting other bastards' hair.'

  Stood up, walked out of the room and through to the one next door. The bedroom was equally huge, similarly extravagantly furnished, dominated by an enormous bed, the sheets ruffled and unmade. Above the bed, clinging to the ceiling, was a mirror covering the entire size of the bed. Holdall let out a low whistle; despite himself felt some admiration for Chris Porter. The guy had no class, but at least he had no class with style.

  He stepped out of the bedroom, turned to the door next to it. Probably a cupboard which was going to be bigger than his house, he thought, as he put his fingers on the handle.

  Inside Barney was tensed, waiting for the moment. Felt as much as heard the hand touching the door above, prepared to dash out. Guessed that if he hit the man in the face with the bag, just as he opened the door, he might be able to get past him and out of the front door before he could do anything about it. Had no idea what he would do when he got downstairs, because he couldn't afford to let them see him driving off in his car. He could worry about that when he got down there, however.

  The door started to swing open. He tensed his legs, holding the bag up, ready to pounce. Cold palms, head thumping, nerves raw and bloodied. Last second decision; don't wait for the door to be fully opened – crash out, hitting the guy with it. Started his leap...

  'Sir!' MacPherson called from the kitchen, 'I think you should take a look at this.'

  Holdall held the door half open; Barney managed to stop himself hitting off it by less than a centimetre. Rested back on his haunches, chest heaving. The door was closed over in front of him. Not closed shut, however. It was left marginally ajar, so that he could hear the conversation that went on the short way down the hall.

  Holdall trudged resignedly to the kitchen. He really didn't want to see it, because he presumed it was going to be one of those huge white kitchens that people have in adverts for floor cleaner, but that no one has in real life.

  He was pleasantly surprised. It was tiny. Smaller than his kitchen by a long way. Small enough, indeed, to win small kitchen competitions. The thought would have struck him that a single bloke would probably be more interested in pulling women than in having a huge kitchen – if it wasn't for something else which grabbed his attention.

  MacPherson was standing in the middle of the room holding up someone's left hand with an exceptionally large pair of tweezers.

  The Pregnant Escape

  Barney held his breath. They were not supposed to have found anything this quickly, whoever they were. His mind and body were disintegrating into a tangled mass of frayed nerves and gelatinous visceral substructure. This was awful; bloody awful. Wished he had turned himself in right at the beginning, as he listened to the voices from without.

  'Well, bugger me with a pitchfork. And I thought they'd banned beef on the bone. Who d'you think that belongs to, Sergeant?'

  'No idea, Sir. It's male, certainly, but further than that I'd only be guessing.'

  'Anything else in that pot?'

  'Meat of some kind, sir. Who knows? Half cooked, too, but I wouldn't like to guess which part of the body it might be. Could be a bit of beef for all we know. I'm no pathologist.'

  'Me neither. Looks like we've got a few phone calls to make.'

  The voices continued, Barney stopped listening. He had recognised them; the same two policemen who'd been in the shop two days earlier. And they had found the hand a hell of a lot quicker than he had wanted them to. The place would be crawling with police within minutes, turning it upside down. He had to get out.

  He slowly pushed the door further out, so that he could glance down the hall. The voices were clearer, but he was obscured from view of the action by a corner wall in the hall, between the kitchen and the front door.

  He was just going to have to make a dash for it and hope for the best. He tentatively put his foot out of the door, and then, crouching, the rest of his body. Clammy hands, trembling with fear. If he was to escape it would have to be in the next few seconds or not at all.

  He was into the hall and moving noiselessly and quickly to the door. He was at his most vulnerable, caught between hiding place and exit, should one of the police walk back out into the hall. And as he put his hand on the door handle and began its silent downward sweep, the conversation in the kitchen stopped. He heard footsteps coming towards him.

  He froze. Still like ice. At least, you know, ice that's not thawing or anything. A voice screamed at him to run, but he knew it was too late. They would see the door closing as they came into the hall, there would be a brief chase and then he would be caught. That was all there was going to be.

  And so, silently, finally, the flight and fear died within him and he stood waiting upon his fate; waiting upon his executioner.

  The legs and then body of Holdall appeared at the corner, Barney released his breath, letting all hope fall from him. And then, as Holdall turned the corner and stood not three yards away from him, MacPherson called out again, having discovered the freezer, and Holdall turned his head away from the hall and Barney, before he had set eyes upon him.

  So bereft of hope had he been, that Barney did not immediately dive out of the door. He remained frozen, before finally the impulse to move came to him, and slowly he opened the door, stepped out and closed it quietly behind him. His body disintegrated even further with relief. Stayed calm, because he was shattered of all emotion and anxiety.

  He did not rush thereafter. The police were unlikely to turn up in droves in the next half minute and he didn't think he'd be followed down the stairs. So, with strange conviction, he walked quietly down the stairs, bag in hand, and out onto the street to his car.

  As he started the engine he thought perhaps someone looked out of a window at him, but he didn't look back. Never look back. That was the way he would live his life from now on. And so he drove off down the road and disappeared into the gloom and dark of late afternoon.

  ***

  The drive home was short and it wasn't until he was about to park his car that he thought to turn on the radio for the football results. He was going to have to tell anyone who asked that he'd been at a game, and it would be a good idea to know the score.

  He had to listen for ten minutes before finally they gave a score from a match which he recognised as being in Glasgow. Partick Thistle versus Aberdeen. He wasn't sure exactly where Partick Thistle's ground was, but it seemed a fair bet that it'd be in Partick somewhere. Lived in Partick all his life, had never seen it; how small could a football ground be?

  There was parking attached to the flats in which he lived, but he had a lock-up for the car about two minute's walk away. Was glad of it now, as he could get the heaps of plastic bags out of sight. A short walk back to the flat, was reminded that he needed to change his underwear. Too exhausted and relieved to be embarrass
ed.

  He headed straight for the bedroom. It was hardly likely that Agnes would be interested in his arrival anyway. A quick wash and a clean pair of trousers later, he walked into the sitting room. Found her watching the television; the table set, awaiting dinner.

  'It's in the oven,' she said to him, not bothering with an hello, or to look over her shoulder. Flange and Fleurelise were trying to fit Gossamer's body into the back of a Mini, after he'd been stabbed by Luge for having an affair with Peppermint. Barney grunted, realising with some surprise, as he went into the kitchen, that he was very hungry. All that handling chopped meat, he reflected.

  The usual unappetising fare greeted him, but twenty-five years of it had quite lain waste to his taste buds. He was happy to eat anything. As always, he forgot to put on oven gloves and burned his fingers on the plate. Eventually he proved equal to the challenge and retrieved his dinner.

  He lost himself in thought, as he plunged into his meal. What was he going to do with the eight hundred pounds or so of dead meat? Maybe he should just have left it in his mother's freezer, and then brought it home bit by bit for Agnes to cook. By the time she'd finished with it, it would have been quite unrecognisable. Still, don't be daft, Barney. You were never able to stomach Wullie alive, he thought, and he smiled grimly. And it didn't strike him how easily the grotesque had become acceptable.

  Then, somewhere between a chip and a mouthful of savoury pancake, he realised that while he had to take care of what he did with Chris's body, he could dispose of the others as he pleased. Jings, I should have thought of that earlier, he thought, stabbing another chip with a little more venom. So what if they found the other bodies? It made no difference. It was only Chris's body which would have to remain concealed for all time.

  Agnes's sweet voice dragged him from his deliberations.

  'Here you! I had the polis looking for you this afternoon.'