It was almost nine when her laptop beeped and Isabella came online. She straightened up and adjusted her shirt collar, trying to shake her pensiveness and just enjoy seeing Isabella again.
The call window popped up, and Erin answered it with video. She saw Isabella open her mouth to greet her, then close it and frown. “What’s wrong?”
Erin forced a smile. “What do you mean?”
“Erin, don’t. You look like someone told you dogs were going extinct. What’s happened?”
Cursing her bad poker face, Erin blew out a long breath, a stalling technique. She tried to weigh just how much she should confess. “I, um, I’ve been worrying a bit.”
Isabella crossed her arms over her chest. “About?”
The question made Erin squirm in discomfort. “Jesus, Isabella. Chill!”
“Fine. Have it your way. We don’t have to talk about it. But I am starting to feel like you are avoiding me, or at least, avoiding talking to me.”
“No, no. I’m not avoiding you. Just kinda need to figure a few things out.”
Isabella’s stern look softened. “Preciosa, what’s wrong? Let me help you if I can.”
The time had come, the moment when Erin had to decide if she was ready for this. There were a thousand voices in her head telling her about everything that could go wrong and how everything had gone wrong her whole life. Every fear and feeling of inadequacy vied for her attention, and her heart began to race again. She had to trust Isabella. It was the only way this could work. She had to trust her not only with her heart but her mental wellbeing.
She’d made her life so simple, so manageable, and that had kept her safe. Opening up to Isabella now, letting her in, meant changing all that.
Opening up now meant there was no turning back.
Her breath was coming quickly, and she was getting light-headed. She tried to put her thoughts aside and focus on her breathing.
How long is a breath meant to be? Shit. Am I hyperventilating? Should I take longer breaths or would that be getting too much oxygen? What the hell should I do?
She looked up into Isabella’s warm, brown eyes. She saw sympathy there, sympathy and that particular brand of Isabella Martinez confidence. Erin envied that confidence, that strength, and wished she had some of it right now. Even just for a little while.
Isabella’s head cocked to the side slightly, and a worry line appeared between her eyes. Erin didn’t want to distress Isabella, and she didn’t want to lose this chance to be happy, to make them both happy, just because she was afraid. She looked deep into those mesmerizing eyes and tried to draw from that strength and warmth.
It was time to make her change. Time to leap.
Choking on the words, Erin blurted out, “I’m worried I’ll mess this up.” Then she cursed herself. Talking about her fears and panic seemed wrong. Talking to Isabella was meant to be fun and wonderful for both of them. She wanted Isabella to look forward to their chats, wanted them be a safe, happy thing in her new and potentially stressful life.
Isabella gave a soft chuckle and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “That’s funny. I’ve worried about that myself.”
Feeling surprised and a little offended, Erin asked, “That I’ll mess this up?”
Isabella rolled her eyes, but with a kind smile to soften the gesture. “No, featherbrain. I worry that I might, to use your expression, ‘mess it up.’”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Look, I think we are both two very complicated women who haven’t had the best luck in relationships. I also think that maybe we don’t…have the highest opinions of ourselves. Perhaps that’s one of the things that drew us to each other and let us connect so quickly and intensely.”
Erin’s breathing was gradually returning to normal. She tried for a grin and a jokey tone. “Ah, has my Ms. Writer been doing some sorta character profiles of us?”
Isabella scowled at her. “No. I’m just thinking out loud.”
Shrugging, Erin agreed. “Well, you probably have a point. And I have to admit it makes me feel a little less of a screw-up to think that someone I admire as much as you can be kinda anxious and insecure and that you don’t like yourself either.”
“Self-loathing,” Isabella said.
“Huh?”
“That’s what an ex-boyfriend used to call it when I disparaged myself. He probably had a point. But, Erin, you should never feel that way about yourself. I’ve treated people I worked with badly, and I have to admit that even in relationships, I’ve mistreated some of the men I dated. I have to live with that and try to figure out why I did it. You, on the other hand, what have you ever done wrong? What could possibly make someone as lovely as you dislike yourself?”
Erin looked down at her hands. “It’s not what I do to people that makes me dislike myself. It’s just me. Things about me that make people leave.” She swallowed hard, feeling as if there were something jagged in her throat, something that wanted her to stop talking. “That’s what I can’t stand about myself.”
When she looked back up at the screen, she saw Isabella’s full lips pressed together tightly.
“Erin. People don’t leave you because of something about you. They leave because of external circumstances or because they’re idiots or because they’re…well, assholes.”
There was an impressive fierceness to Isabella’s voice and demeanor that Erin had to admit she liked, especially in her defense. And it was fun to hear Isabella say assholes too. Totally unexpected, but fun.
“We really need to talk about your abandonment issues,” Isabella continued. “They’re doing real damage to you, and I hate to see that. You deserve the moon and the stars. Yet all you give yourself is scorn.”
Erin swallowed and looked away. She fidgeted with the top button of her shirt. She would’ve given anything to not have mentioned this at all. It was too hard. “Yeah,” she whispered.
“Preciosa,” Isabella said. Her normally smooth and low voice deepened even more, making it softer and more tender than Erin could grasp. “I’m not shouting at you here. It just breaks my heart that you treat yourself like this. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you—strong, warm, independent, beautiful, funny, passionate, smart, interesting, and so much more. Who in their right mind would ever abandon that? Abandon you? Please, don’t be frightened of scaring me off. The only way I could ever stay away from you would be if you shut me out. So don’t. Let me in. Be open with me and, mi corazón…I won’t leave you. I could never leave you.”
On the screen, Isabella reached out a hand as if to touch her and then put it back in her lap. She looked more sad and sympathetic than anyone Erin had ever seen. She was pretty sure that all the social workers and foster parents put together had never looked at her with such love and concern.
Overwhelmed and unsure of what to answer, Erin sniffed. “Shit,” she croaked. “You’re making me cry. Why do I cry so much around you?”
Isabella moved closer to the screen and smiled gently. “Because you’re vulnerable around me. Like I am around you. And I think that’s the main reason we’re both so afraid of this, of us.”
“Yeah, that’s probably true,” Erin said with a slow nod.
“Well, then. We can be afraid together.” Isabella smiled encouragingly.
Erin smiled back, trying to lighten the mood a little. “Great. If that’s what we’re aiming for, can’t we just watch a slasher movie or something?”
Isabella quirked an eyebrow at her. “All jokes aside, I mean it. Let’s share our fears like we share all our other thoughts and feelings. How about…we just talk? Just let it all spill out? We won’t interrupt each other or start coming up with solutions right away. We’ll just listen.”
Erin blinked to clear her wet eyes. “Okay. I like that. Yeah, I think it would be easier for me to share if you didn’t reply right away. Which
sounds kinda weird, but you know what I mean.” She stopped and scratched the back of her neck. “Um, I’ve never tried this before. Could you start?”
Isabella frowned and looked down for a while. When she looked back up, she very slowly and quietly started her confession.
“I suppose one of my biggest concerns is jumping into a relationship too soon, like I did with Richard. We both know how that ended, although I am aware that the circumstances are different. Another worry is that my cruel and sarcastic side will start rearing its ugly head. And that it will make you hate me.” She looked down, and when she spoke again, her voice was hoarse and quiet. “I also worry about my mother somehow getting between us. Not that I would ever let her keep me away from you, but the drama and heartbreak she would cause while trying…panics me.”
It was hard for Erin to not reply to all those concerns and try to put them to rest, but she’d agreed to just spilling all the worries and talking them through later. But what about Alberto? If she told Isabella about her fears, how could Isabella not feel that she was hesitant about their relationship? No, that had to wait.
She opened her mouth and let some of her other fears come tumbling out.
“I worry about coming on too strong and scaring you off. Oh, and that I’m pushing you about the sex stuff, even though you’re not ready, and new to being with another woman. Most of all, I worry that I’ll make you abandon me because something inside me makes people leave.”
They were both silent for a moment, and then they opened their mouths simultaneously to begin explaining why the other one should stop worrying about things. They stopped and laughed. Clearly, Isabella was as embarrassed and shy, yet also relieved, as she was.
“You start,” Isabella said with a gentle smile.
“Okay, but you can’t come up with arguments why I’m wrong until I’ve finished. I don’t have your way with words, and if you make me lose my train of thought, I’ll never get it back.”
Isabella dipped her head in acknowledgment. “All right. Go ahead,”
Erin scratched her head, trying to remember Isabella’s concerns, wanting to tick them all off. “First of all, we aren’t jumping into a relationship that quickly. It’s been a lot longer than most of my friends’ dating phases, and don’t forget that we have talked so damn much, I sometimes feel I know you better than anyone. And you know me better than anyone I’ve ever met. Oh, and about your mom, there’s nothing she can do to drive me away from you. Any damage or drama she stirs up, we’ll fix together.” She paused. “Okay. What else was it you worried about?”
Isabella sighed. “My bad sides. My sarcastic comments, my annoyance with people, and my temper.”
“Oh, that? That’s actually, weirdly, one of the things I like about you. When you grow up alone and try so damn hard to make people love you, you sorta never say the mean things that pop into your head. You’re always struggling to be nice and liked. The fact that you can be a bit…well, bitchy…I kinda find freeing and attractive. But, hey, if you get really mean or snap at someone who didn’t deserve it, well, you know, I’ll shut that down.”
Isabella gave an amused little hum. “You make some good points. It’s so hard not to voice my counterarguments. But I’m sure we’ll revisit these discussions at some point. Right now, I need to explain to you why you shouldn’t worry.”
Erin steeled herself. “Okay. Shoot.”
“All right. Firstly, you aren’t coming on too strong. You’ve been very patient, and most of the pushing has actually been from me. Then I take a step back, only to revert to pushing again. The same goes for the sexual side of our relationship, I might add. And I won’t abandon you. I learn more about you every time we speak, and the more I learn, the more I want to be with you.” A smile tugged at Isabella’s lips. “You fascinate me, Erin—fascinate and amaze me. I’m not someone who suffers fools, or generally people I don’t like. The fact that I am this crazy about you after months of talking, well, it means you are very unlikely to make me want to leave—ever”
Erin chewed the inside of her cheek. “Man, you’re right. It’s hard not to answer back and come up with reasons why you’re wrong. Although, you do make a good case on the last point, I suppose.” Erin grinned at the camera and found she actually meant it. It was a comfort to remember that Isabella very easily got pissed off with people. So, if she was still putting up with her, it meant she’d probably gotten through the trial period.
Alberto started crying, and Isabella said, “Right back,” and disappeared from view. Erin looked at her watch and realized in shock that it was 11:23 p.m.
Isabella came back with Alberto in her arms, his face was all flushed from crying. Erin realized that his little tufts of hair had grown since the first time she’d seen him, mainly because, right now, it was all standing on end. Isabella was smoothing it down and hushing his little angry babbling.
Soon, he was quiet and laid still in her arms, looking up at her. Erin recognized the adoring look in his eyes. The little Skype window revealed the same look in her own eyes. Isabella hummed gently at him and softly tapped his chin, making him smile a little.
Then she looked back up. “Sorry about that. Where were we?”
Erin felt like someone had hit her on the head with a pillow. She was so in awe of how beautiful and loving they were together. Their intimate connection should’ve calmed her fears about the baby, but it didn’t. It made them worse. She could never be that natural and perfect around Alberto.
She cleared her throat. “Um, I think we were wrapping up our little therapy session. Can you believe it’s almost half past eleven?”
Isabella looked up, startled. “What? Really? Oh, wow, that went by fast. Well, looks like we are getting closer to our midnight coffee, then. Want to celebrate our successful sharing of worries with a cup?”
“Yeah. Why not? I’ll go put some fresh Azúcar Negra on.”
“Great. Bring me a cup, will you?” Isabella joked. She adjusted Alberto in her grip and smiled at the screen.
“God, I wish I could. I so want to…help you and look after you and, well, spoil you.”
Isabella beamed. “I feel the same way about you.”
With a shy smile, Erin stood up and almost tripped over her chair. She heard Isabella chuckle and turned to poke her tongue out at the screen. Isabella got up, presumably on her way to the coffeemaker too.
By the time they returned with their coffee, the atmosphere was more relaxed. Alberto lay quietly in Isabella’s arms, examining a multicolored plastic octopus.
Isabella sipped at her evening ration, and Erin drank deeply from her mug. The alluring scent of the coffee filled Erin’s apartment, as lovely as normal coffee but far sweeter. Erin realized that the same aroma would be in Isabella’s apartment and, as always, felt happy when they shared something.
Isabella looked down at Alberto who was gumming a yellow tentacle of his octopus. “So, now that we all have something comforting to occupy our mouths with,” she joked, “we should get on with what is really important here. The second time we’ll meet up.”
Feeling lighthearted, Erin put down her mug and adopted a serious face. “Of course. What does the octopus-eating chairman suggest? Does he have a time and place in mind?”
Isabella, playing along, held Alberto up so that he was facing the camera. His little legs kicked out as soon as they were free in the air. His hands and mouth were still struggling with the octopus he was slobbering over.
Erin laughed at how intently he examined the toy with both mouth and hands, completely ignoring everything else. He looked quite perturbed at the plastic toy, and it was impossible not to feel affection and amusement.
“It would seem that our lil’ chairman here is more interested in getting to the bottom of the octopus issue than the date issue,” Erin said between giggles.
“Yes. He’s a ‘one task at a time’ kind
of person.” Isabella put him back in his comfy position in her arms and smiled at the camera.
“Why don’t you decide, preciosa? You’re the one who has to travel all the way down here.”
Erin looked at the little smile creases by Isabella’s eyes and whispered, “Can I come over tonight? You’re so beautiful.”
Looking down bashfully but still smirking, Isabella replied, “I thought we decided it would have to be the weekend?”
Erin sighed. “Yeah. It will, I suppose. So, should we aim for me arriving after lunch on the Saturday again? That seemed to work pretty well for both of us and the lil’ man too.”
“Yes, that sounds good. Perhaps one instead of two? Oh, and I should have the apartment looking better and more furnished by then, so we could meet here if you’d like?”
Erin swallowed down a gulp of coffee. “Awesome. I’m looking forward to seeing the place. And one sounds perfect.”
“Erin?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you perhaps want to get an open ticket? That way we don’t have a time restriction. I’m paying, and I don’t mind if there is an extra cost.”
Erin’s mind was racing. Isabella looked so wary. Was she just worried that Erin didn’t want to be stuck with Isabella and Alberto if the date was uncomfortable? Was she afraid that Erin wouldn’t want to stay for too long? Or was she intimating that Erin could stay the night?
“Um, yeah. I’ll get an open-return ticket. Good idea. Just, you know, let me know if you need to get rid of me, and I’ll get the next available train. On, um, one condition.”
Isabella’s brows knitted. “What’s that?”
“This time, my good-bye kiss is a bit longer and, um…maybe even on the lips, if I’m a good girl,” Erin said with a cheeky grin.
“Ha! Why don’t you show some initiative and go for the sort of good-night kiss you want, Miss Black? Don’t make me do all the work.”
Coffee and Conclusions Page 13