by Jen Minkman
I should really stop thinking about him.
“So. You and Sytse, huh?” I say once we’ve left our bikes at the park entrance and slowly make our way toward the small stage.
Dani blinks at me in alarm. “W-what do you mean?”
I chuckle. “Just that you guys are going to Osterend tomorrow. But after your reaction, I should probably assume it means more.”
“Don’t be absurd.” She looks away.
“Yeah, ‘cause my brother is not a big fan of age gaps, apparently.”
“Oh.” Dani pauses for a few seconds. “What makes you say that?”
I clear my throat. “He said Royce was way too old to hang out with the likes of me.”
Dani shakes her head. “Not that old.”
“Well. I’m not going to see him again anyway.”
My friend shoots me a sideward glance. “For real?”
“Yes.”
“You’re really giving him up because Sytse wants you to?”
I shrug awkwardly. “I guess.”
In the silence that follows, I can see a look of incredulity grow in Dani’s brown eyes as she stares me down. “You’re not going to give him up,” she finally establishes. “I know you. That’s not the way you tick.”
“Well, maybe I’m resetting my clock.”
She sighs. “Please be careful.”
“You’re not listening!” I cry out in frustration.
“And you’re not being honest,” Dani calmly replies. “Fess up – when are you going to see him again?”
I bite my lip. She knows me far too well. “Tonight,” I admit. “I’ll break it off tonight. Please don’t tell Sytse.”
She rolls her eyes. “Of course not. What kind of blabbermouth do you think I am? I’m your best friend.” Before I can stop her, she hugs me tight, and I try to fight back tears. Somehow, I always cry a little when people comfort me. Maybe it’s because I feel I can finally let go.
I wriggle out of her grasp after a few seconds. “Come on, let’s just chill out near the pond,” I say, my voice a bit thicker than usual. “It’s close enough to the stage but we’ll be able to lie down in the grass.”
I want this afternoon to just be about me, Dani, and our mutual love for music. I’ll deal with whatever comes next by the time I get there.
13.
“Ouch.”
I stifle a curse when I bang my knee against the windowsill. Gasping for breath, I crouch down in the grass underneath my window and carefully crawl away from the house. Sytse and Dad think I’m already in bed for my early start tomorrow, but if they happen to glance out the window and see a shadowy figure running away from the house, they might think to check up on me. I don’t think I’ve ever attempted to escape from my own house by sneaking out through the window, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
The stress lancing through my body makes me run toward the abandoned village despite the darkness. I know the way now, and I know there are no obstacles to trip me up besides the lies I had to tell to even make it here. Maybe I should do what I told Dani I would – I’ll allow Royce to listen to my LP one more time and then take it away from him forever, and myself along with it. If Sytse is right, all of us Skylgers might be able to listen to Jyoti in the near future anyway. So I don’t need Royce or his damn equipment.
By the time I arrive at the cottage, I am completely out of breath and my fingers holding the Phoenix LP are a bit damp with sweat. Sinking down onto the sagging garden fence next to the door, I run my hands through my hair and hope it will make me look slightly more presentable. My chest expands and shrinks, forcing the air in and out of my lungs. Slowly but surely, I calm down.
And that’s when I hear it, through the hammering of my own heart in my ears. It is music – an otherworldly, captivating piano melody that drifts out the window and into my heart. Royce is playing, and this time he’s not wearing his weird ear warmers. I can hear him, softly yet clearly.
When I gingerly push the door open, he doesn’t turn around or look up. Maybe he hasn’t even heard me enter. His body is hunched over the keys and he sits spread-legged on the piano stool as though he is riding a horse, holding the reins to control the melody and shape it like the songs of his soul.
Slowly, I tiptoe toward him, not uttering a single word to break the spell. A part of me wants him to acknowledge my presence, but another part wants to just eavesdrop on him unawares – and become a part of his most private emotions. His shield is down, opening the shutters so I can look in from the outside.
When I come even closer, Royce unexpectedly looks over his shoulder to shoot me a look I can’t fathom. His mouth turns up in a roguish smile before he turns back to the piano. My heart stutters. He has seen me. He knows I’m here – and yet he keeps playing. He wants me to hear this.
Of course, the melody has to run its course and dry up eventually. A meaningful silence descends in the room as Royce gets up from his piano bench and stares at me. A few long strides and he’s standing in front of me, towering over me as I look up and rack my brain for something to say.
“You let me hear your work in progress,” I finally whisper in awe.
“I did.” He nods, and the movement makes a few strands of dark hair flop over his forehead, partly obscuring his blue eyes as they search mine. His lips curl up in a smile. “Isn’t that part of the reason why you came?”
“N-no.” My tongue feels like sandpaper. “I just – wanted to...” Say goodbye, I add in my head.
“No?” Royce takes another step closer, prompting me to hold up the LP like a shield. It makes him smile a bit wider, and I turn red. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. “Then what do you want?”
He stands there, clad in those way-too-sexy, ratty jeans and a sleeveless black top. I don’t ward him off anymore when his hand reaches out to touch my cheek. The feeling of his fingers on my flustered skin stops any coherent thought I might have conjured up. He slowly leans into me, his face so close to mine that my breath falters. Meanwhile, he’s pulling me in, tugging on a strand of my long, dark hair.
“Stop toying with me,” I croak, despite the fact that I want to shut up and just wait for him to kiss me. I want this, but I don’t. I don’t know.
“I’m not,” he says, softly and seriously. “You really think I’m playing you?”
“I’m scared.” My whisper is hardly audible.
He exhales. “Me too.”
That admission makes me blink up at him in surprise. Why should he be scared? He’s got nothing to lose.
“Why?” I say, but my question remains unanswered.
Royce moves in and his lips briefly touch mine, the heat from his mouth erasing the words that lingered there. He pulls me into his arms and kisses me again, more insistently, trailing his hands down my back and resting them on my hips in a deliberate gesture.
The LP drops to the floor. I moan softly and close my eyes when his tongue parts my lips, stirring a hunger in me that I’ve never felt before. And I know this is what I came for – I could tell myself and Dani and my brother a million other things, but this is what I want. I’ve allowed my sad, hungry heart to lead me astray and make me fall for the wrong guy.
Royce slowly pushes me backward until my back is against the wall, his mouth never leaving mine. A shameful heat flushes my face when I feel just how much I want him. My body is so warm and soft and eager to embrace him. It’s all new to me. I liked kissing Alke, but I guess we never had true chemistry. Nothing like this.
“Enna,” he says when he finally breaks away from our passionate kiss. His rough voice sends shivers down my spine. “I’m so happy you came. I thought you wouldn’t.”
“Why wouldn’t I come?” I say, looking up at him. “I promised I would.”
“Well. It’s late.” Royce shows me that crooked smile that makes my heart race. “Much too late to be out in a dangerous place like this.”
“I saw you today,” I blurt out. “With all those girls.” Inw
ardly, I kick myself for sounding like a jealous witch seconds after our first kiss.
“They’re freshmen,” he replies calmly. “I was their supervisor during a study project a while ago, so they wanted to say hi.”
“Right.” I stare at the floor.
Royce lets out a sigh and slips his arms around my waist. “I don’t like them, okay? I like you.”
His words make my heart sing, but I’m too scared to believe them. “Why?” I just want to know.
“Because you’re real.”
When I look up again, his blue eyes look so sincere that I can’t stop myself from entertaining the possibility that he’s telling the truth. “You – you don’t meet a lot of real people?” I stutter.
He shakes his head. “They hide. Just like me, actually. I want to be different, but I can’t. The only time I’m showing myself is when I play my music. But people don’t realize it. They think my vulnerable side is just a part of some cunning theatrics I put up to enthrall the audience.” Royce takes a step back and pulls me along to sit on the couch, but I stop to pick up the record I dropped earlier.
“Was it different when your mom was still around?” I hazard once we’re both sitting down.
“Yes.” He caresses my hand. “She knew who I was. She could – sense things. I guess that’s how the Sirens lured her out to sea. A sensitive soul is too easy to snare.”
“Yeah. I get that.” I gaze at him, still unable to believe that this gorgeous, famous, Current guy just kissed me. When he cracks a smile, I laugh nervously. “Sorry I’m staring.”
“You can stare at me all you want,” Royce replies. “I like looking at you too.”
A horrible blush creeps up on my face. “You’re just making that up. You always have your eyes closed.”
He winks. “That’s what you think. I’m sneaky, aren’t I?” He grins wider when he sees my red cheeks. “Besides, I just realized that I actually knew you before I got to know you for real,” he then says cryptically.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Last Oorol?” he mumbles, suddenly a bit nervous. “You were sitting in the park with a friend of yours and she was playing the guitar. You were singing. It was an after party organized by one of the Skylger songwriters, I guess. I happened to be out that night, and I couldn’t tear myself away from your spontaneous performance. Your voice was so heartbreakingly beautiful. I just never saw your face, because I was behind you. In my mind, I called you ‘mystery girl’.”
He’s right. It was me singing with Dani playing the guitar that night. The description fits. “I – I never saw you either,” I mumble, completely flummoxed by his admission.
“It was dark. You were singing by candlelight. Plus, I kept out of sight. I’m happy the mystery is solved now.” His hand cradles my cheek, and I inadvertently lean in to him, my skin craving his touch.
“I – can’t believe this is happening,” I whisper. “You’re so gorgeous and I’m just – me.”
Royce smiles. “You think you’re plain, Enna? Skylgers don’t keep mirrors in their houses?”
“Of course we do.” I roll my eyes.
“Well, you should know you’re a beauty, then.” He’s stroking my neck now, softly and warmly.
I smile shyly. “Are you serious?”
“Like the star.”
“What star?”
“Sirius?” He cocks an eyebrow, and I burst into a nervous fit of giggles.
“Stop being so funny,” I gasp at last.
He grins. “Sorry.”
“You know – I never really expected you to be this cool,” I admit. “Meeting you here is like a silly daydream.”
He nods slowly. “It’s not supposed to be real,” he agrees.
“But it is now,” I whisper.
“Yeah. It is.” For a moment, his eyes flicker with a hint of fear and apprehension. Then, he smothers his alarm by kissing me again, pulling me down next to him while softly stroking my hair. Breathlessly, I shudder as every inch of my skin touching his is set on fire. I was right – this is like a dream. And I never want to wake up.
By the time I get up to leave Royce’s cottage, it is near midnight. My entire body is aglow after an evening of talking, kissing, and listening to LPs. My world is expanding so rapidly that I’m afraid it will explode.
“See you tomorrow,” he says at the door, gently touching my face. “You’re skipping Oorol?”
“Yes.” I nod eagerly.
He cracks his handsome smile. “Me too, then. What time shall we meet?”
I suddenly have an idea. “Let’s meet up somewhere else,” I suggest. “There’s this place near my house that I always go to when I want to be alone. It’s a kind of cave.”
“Color me intrigued,” Royce says. “How do I get there?”
“I can’t really tell you. We’ll meet up at the Stortumer Dyke,” I explain. “At the signpost near the border of Kinnum. Noontime?”
“Sure.” He leans in for one last kiss, and then I turn around and walk down the path with empty hands but a head filled with love.
I’ve left my LP with Royce, together with my heart.
14.
The albatross isn’t there when I get out of bed. Normally, this would disturb me, but today nothing will rain on my parade. I’ll spend a few hours on my history assignment in the morning before taking off to show Royce my secret grotto. I’m bringing the gramophone so we can listen to some classical music. Last night, I discovered he owns Rachmaninov’s full Piano Concerto No. 2 on record, which made me green with jealousy and elated about his taste in music at the same time. I never heard it past the first eight minutes because our shellacs never contain more than four on each side, and my father never bothered to track down the rest of the set. We only have the very first part.
Just as I sit down for breakfast, Dani bursts into the house and waves at me and Sytse. “Good morning, my darlings!” she sing-songs. “Are you ready to explore Osterend with me?”
I raise my hand in objection. “I’m still not tagging along,” I point out. “History homework, remember?”
“Oh, come on, don’t be a killjoy,” Dani rebuffs my protest. “You’re not gonna spend all day on that assignment, are you?”
“I should if I’m supposed to show Mr. Buma anything passable by tomorrow,” I grumble. Sadly, I’m not even lying – meeting up with Royce will mean I have to slave away in the evening to make up for lost hours.
“I’m happy to see you taking school so seriously,” Sytse says. He sounds like he’s pinning a medal of brotherly approval on me, and for a split second I feel ashamed for lying to his face when all he wants is to protect me.
“Yeah, well.” I shrug. “If I keep my grade point average up, I might get a better job after graduation.” No Skylger ever gets to go to university – we don’t need to learn about modern inventions that we’ll never be allowed to use. Plus, it’s a Current institution located in Upper Brandaris. I wouldn’t want to be caught dead in that place.
After breakfast, my dad and I are quietly doing the dishes in our tiny kitchen when he suddenly puts his dish rag down and looks me in the eye.
“Enna,” he says. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Sure,” I say. “Why?”
“You seem – different. So rebellious.”
“So?” Yeah, he’s right – I do sound defiant.
“You didn’t used to be like this.”
I roll my eyes. “It’s called puberty, Heit.”
He sighs. “Are you angry about Sytse?” he continues. “About the things we’ve kept from you?”
“Actually, yes.” I toss a bunch of spoons into the hot, soapy water. “I might have helped, you know. I could have been useful – I can still be useful.”
“I know that.” His voice is gentle, unwavering. “I just wanted your life to be simple.”
A bitter laugh bubbles up in my throat, but I swallow it down. If only he knew how complicated things have become as of late. “Don�
�t worry about me,” I reply. “I’ll take things in my stride. You don’t need to protect me.”
“No.” His shoulders slump almost imperceptibly. “No, I guess not.”
And suddenly, I want nothing more than to fling my arms around him and disappear into my father’s embrace. Let him shield me from this world with so many dangers and heartache lurking in every corner. But I can’t – I can never go back, because I crossed that threshold when I thought I was ready, and now the door has fallen shut behind me. I’m no longer a child, and we’ll have to assume new roles and get to know each other again.
I grab his hand. “I love you,” I simply say. “And I’m fine.”
He smiles. “I love you too. I’m glad to hear you feel fine.”
The thought of seeing Royce again today makes me feel more than just fine. It’s as though the blood scorches my veins passing through my feverishly-beating heart. He’ll come to Kinnum, for me, and he’ll sit with me in my secret hide-away. It’s too much – a silly, girlish daydream unable to survive in the open air of the real world. And yet, I have no doubt he’ll be here at noon. He likes me, because I am real.
When I hear the clock tower in the distance toll out the half-hour after eleven, I pack up a bag of books, snacks, and a bottle of elderflower cordial. Last but not least, I grab the portable gramophone and a selection of records.
“I need to get some fresh air,” I announce to my father as I step out the door and find him weeding in the front garden. “The walls are closing in on me.”
“Off for a seaside stroll?” He eyes my baggage. “Or a beach picnic?”
“Both. I’ll be home in a few hours.”
The road running alongside our yard is deserted, because most people living in Kinnum have gone to the festival in Osterend, Baydunen, or the big stage in Brandaris. They have quite a line-up today – even better than yesterday evening in Upper Brandaris. Last night, as I made my way back home after meeting Royce in Stortum, I could see the Current light show in the distance. Very faintly, like a brilliant sunset I’d narrowly missed. The fog-dimmed electric lights had lit up the sky as though to mock the uninvited like me. But I didn’t mind – I’d been to a more private party with a far more satisfying ending.