My ballet flats were noiseless on the wet asphalt as I weaved my way through Livingston. I turned a corner and stopped dead when fog spread before me. Milky, intangible fingers of haze dusted against me, making me shiver. Mist coiled around my legs and arms, snatching at my skin and hair. It felt like a living, breathing thing. Like something more than nature.
I shied away. A chill wound its way around my ankle like tentacles, cold and slithery. It didn’t want me to go. I whimpered but the fog swallowed the noise. Nobody would hear me if I screamed. I steeled myself and kicked out. My feet went right through the veil of mist but the grip around my ankles disappeared. I sprinted into the haze, not breathing, not pausing, not once glancing over my shoulder to see if someone—or something—was following me. Icy wetness slithered across every inch of exposed skin, seeping into my pores. It took hold of me, made me feel cold inside and out.
Shaking, I stepped onto the porch of Summers and Alec’s home, and as I turned to look back in the direction I’d come, the streets were clear. It was gone.
I unlocked the front door with trembling hands. I was a few minutes late for our meeting but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Not after what had just happened. Voices were coming from the living room. I slipped out of my shoes—something Summers was very adamant about—before I followed the sound. Major, Summers, and Alec were seated around the dining room table. So Major was back in town. They stopped talking when they spotted me.
Alec leaped from his chair and rushed toward me, his face alarmed. “What happened?” His hands rested on my shoulders and I didn’t have it in me to shake them off. My body felt numb. I couldn’t even feel my legs anymore. The walls tipped around me and suddenly I was in Alec’s arms.
“You’re freezing,” he said. My head fell forward, my cheek pressed against his chest, and I looked up at him. Though I wanted to speak, no sound left my lips. Another head appeared beside Alec’s. Summers rested her calloused hand on my forehead and I leaned into the touch. They were all so warm.
“Run a hot bath,” Summers ordered and Major obeyed without hesitation. Alec carried me into the bathroom. When he began to lower me onto the edge of the bathtub, I clutched at him, a choked sound of protest shuddering from my mouth.
“Don’t leave.”
Alec met my gaze. He looked like someone had stabbed him and was twisting the blade. My fingers curled around his collar. “I need you,” I whispered, the words as wispy as mist.
Summers pried me away from him. I’d nearly forgotten she was there. She panted with the effort of supporting my body. Alec had carried me as though I weighed nothing.
“Alec.” Major’s voice thrummed in my head. Turning his eyes away, Alec slowly left the bathroom, shutting the door after him.
Summers set me down on the toilet seat. Like a puppet without its master, I slumped down into a heap. Summers didn’t speak as she held me upright and removed my clothes. Slowly, she lowered me into the tub, where the running water scorched my skin. She sat down on the edge. I sank farther down into the water, trying to cross my arms over my chest. It took me three attempts before I succeeded.
Summers crossed her legs, the leather of her pants squeaking as it rubbed together. Her face was tense. “This meeting was intended to get you and Alec back on track, to stop your personal problems with each other from getting in the way of this mission.” I ignored her words, instead watching the way my skin turned lobster-red from the scalding hot water. I didn’t think she expected me to talk and I wasn’t sure if I could.
“We knew this mission would be difficult for you in many ways. We knew making you part of a family was going to be uncomfortable, but it was a risk we had to take.” I wasn’t exactly sure where this was going. My thoughts were still fuzzy and I needed to tell them about my discovery. “I need you to listen to me. Later, when we join Major and Alec, you can tell us what happened. But I want to say this now. I probably won’t get another chance to talk to you alone any time soon.”
The feeling slowly returned to my legs and they began to prickle.
“I’ve seen the way you look at Alec.”
I closed my eyes as if that could stop her from saying more.
“It’s not good to want something or someone you can’t have. It’s self-destructive, and believe me, I know what I’m talking about.” I saw hurt beneath the hard lines of her square jaw. If she really knew how I felt, then she also knew that I couldn’t switch my emotions off. Summers sighed. “You know, you’re still in Madison’s body, have you even noticed?”
I hadn’t. The rippling started in my toes and traveled up my body. It took a full minute to shape-shift back to my own body. I was still weak.
I slumped against the tub. The rippling sensation washed over me again—this time without my volition. Twisting, warping, stretching. Water sloshed over the edge and Summers let out a startled gasp. I didn’t have to look into the mirror to know I’d changed back to Madison.
What the hell was happening? First I couldn’t change into Madison and now I couldn’t return to my own body. But the worst thing was the way I didn’t even mind. Madison had allowed me to live a life I had only dreamed about: a life with a family who loved her.
Summers handed me a towel, her expression blank. “You’re losing yourself in Madison. You have to accept that her life can never be yours. It’s important that you don’t forget that. Everyone wants to be someone else sometimes, but it’s crucial to be able to move on.”
A few minutes later, we returned to the living room. I was still in Madison’s body, dressed in clothes Summers had given me. Major and Alec stopped talking when we entered.
“You look better,” Major said. “Now tell us what happened.”
I told them about the mist, about the newspaper articles, about my suspicion. The words spewed out of my mouth without pause.
“I need a drink,” Summers said as she got up and went into the kitchen. She returned with something that looked and smelled like tequila, along with a hot chocolate for me. Maybe Summers had more maternal instinct hidden behind her hard shell than I’d given her credit for.
Major and Alec talked quietly about the possible Variations of the killer, how to find him, and how to better protect me. I sipped at the hot chocolate. Apparently, my input wasn’t expected. Summers disappeared into the kitchen again, probably for more tequila.
Eventually, Major turned to me. “Alec will try to keep a closer eye on you. But remember, even if the evidence points toward Yates as the killer, Devon is still very high on our suspect list. You should avoid being alone in the house with him.”
That wasn’t as easy as it sounded, but I didn’t try to argue with them. It would have been futile to try. I just wanted to get into my bed and forget that today had ever happened. I wanted to see Devon’s dimples, to hear Linda’s laughter, to listen to Ronald’s stories. Sometimes it felt like I wanted their company more than anything else.
“Alec reported that there’s a party the day after tomorrow,” Major said. I nodded. Ana had mentioned Francesca’s party in passing but I’d had so much to deal with that I hadn’t paid much attention. “I want you and Alec to keep an eye on things. You should attend as a couple. That way you can easily talk and leave together without drawing attention.”
Wasn’t that a little hypocritical?
“That’s it for today. Keep us updated on any further developments. You’re doing a fine job,” Major said. That was the most praise I’d ever heard from him.
“I’ll take you home.” Alec rose from his chair.
“No,” I immediately protested.
Summers took her car keys from a side table. “I’ll take her.”
Without another glance at Alec, I followed Summers out the door and to the car. She didn’t try to talk to me during the ride and dropped me off a few houses down from home. I snuck back into the house without a hitch.
• • •
The next day, Summers’s words still ghosted around in my head. Even i
f they weren’t at the forefront of my thoughts, they crouched at the edges of my consciousness, waiting to catch me by surprise.
You’re losing yourself in Madison.
But why not? Madison was dead. She would never come back. Maybe I could spare Linda and Ronald the heartbreak of finding out about her death. I could stop being Tessa and just be Madison. Her body already felt like home, her family like the one I’d always wanted.
Could I live the lie for years and decades?
But one troubling thought haunted me. It wasn’t me they loved, it was Madison.
It’s important that you don’t forget.
There were so many things I wanted to forget, to wipe from my memory once and for all. Like the day my mother’s third husband came home drunk and locked me in the closet, forcing me to listen to him beating the crap out of my mother. Or the day my mother said she wished I’d never been born.
I picked up the small hand mirror from its place on the nightstand. Madison’s face stared back at me. It wasn’t the face I was born with, and yet it felt so familiar, almost like my own. My skin rippled, my features warping, twisting, shifting, breaking until it was my own face in the mirror, my own turquoise eyes, always slightly south of normal. I should have felt relief at being myself for a moment, should have felt a sense of coming home, but I didn’t. I felt nothing.
The rippling started again. My face transformed into Madison’s and back to my own—then back to Madison’s and back to my own. A blur of blond and brown, of freckles and scars, of blue and turquoise. I was starting to feel dizzy but I couldn’t stop.
If being someone else on the outside came easily to me, why couldn’t it work the same way with who I was on the inside? Why couldn’t I simply decide to feel like someone else?
The two faces swam before my eyes until I saw a strange combination of the two in the mirror. Despair squeezed the air from my lungs, made me lightheaded. My grip on the handle tightened, grew painful. With a cry, I flung the mirror away. It collided with the dresser and clattered to the floor, the shards littering the ground.
I crossed the room, and as I stood over the remains of the mirror, my face—Tessa’s face—was splintered into dozens of pieces. For once, a mirror reflected how I felt inside, how I looked inside. Fragmented, broken, torn.
Shaking, I sank to the ground and started picking up the pieces of glass. I wasn’t careful enough, and one of the shards cut into the skin on my right palm, creating a tiny crimson river of blood. Someone knocked at the door. I stood, my legs still shaky, and let the rippling bring Madison’s body back. Just as I’d completed the shift, the door opened and Devon poked his head in. His eyebrows pulled down in a frown but when he saw my hands, now bloody from the glass, concern took over. He crossed the room and stood before me, cradling my hands in his.
“What happened?” he asked. He looked at me as though he thought I’d done it on purpose. I wanted to rest my forehead against his chest but stopped myself.
“The mirror shattered.” I nodded toward the shards of glass on the floor and in the trash can. I didn’t even feel the pain, still felt strangely removed from my body.
Devon shook his head, his fingers gentle on my hands. “We need to disinfect this and bandage it up. I’ll go get the gauze. You stay here. I don’t want Mom to see. She’s been worrying enough about you lately.”
“Who’s been worrying enough lately?” Linda stood in the doorway. When her eyes fell to my cuts, the color drained from her face. She took my hands, her touch gentle.
The worry on Linda’s face was too much. I stared at my palm. The gash seemed to be much smaller than I remembered and had nearly stopped bleeding. Maybe my transformation back to Madison’s body had helped to heal the wound.
Linda tended to my hand without speaking, but I could feel the questions and worry roll off her in waves. Eventually she was finished. She hugged me, barely leaving room for my breathing. After a moment, I hugged her back with just as much force. It felt like some of the broken fragments inside me had mended, too.
Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to pretend that Linda was really my mom, that her love and worry were for me and not for the mask I’d put on. I dreaded the day this would all be over.
“You have to be more careful. Please, Maddy.”
I pulled away from her embrace. “Don’t worry. I will.”
CHAPTER 18
* * *
The morning after the mirror incident, Linda accompanied me to Sheriff Ruthledge’s office. Before we entered the building, she paused and wrapped her arms around me. “It’ll be okay. Just tell him what you remember. Even if you think it’s not important, it could be helpful for the police. Everything could help lead them to that . . . that person.” She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear with trembling fingers. “Maybe something you say will give them a lead and then all of this can finally be over.”
Sheriff Ruthledge was a short, stocky man with thinning red hair and pockmarks on his cheeks. He rose from his chair and shook my hand across his desk before he gestured at the vacant wooden chair. I sank down onto it.
Linda sat off to the side, out of sight where she couldn’t influence me, but her presence was calming.
“Thank you for coming today,” the sheriff began. “You don’t have to worry. I’ll ask only a few questions. If you don’t remember something, then tell me and don’t feel any pressure to add anything just to give a response.”
I nodded and relaxed against the chair. Sheriff Ruthledge’s deep, calm voice dispersed the rest of my nerves.
He went over my name, birthday, and place of residence before the real questioning started. “That day, March second, what did you want at the lake?”
I’d learned about police procedure in FEA classes, so I doubted he’d ask any questions that would surprise me. “I—I think I was there to meet someone.”
“You think? Or you remember?”
“I don’t remember, but I know I often met with friends at the lake.”
“With your friend Ana for example?”
I hesitated. “Yes.”
“But you don’t remember who you wanted to meet that day? Are you sure?” His eyes were sharp but not unfriendly.
I shook my head and looked at my lap. Major didn’t want the police to interfere with our investigation, so I had no choice but to lie.
“It’s okay. Dr. Fonseca told me that you’re suffering from amnesia.” Summers had spent the last few days diverting the police’s attention. She’d once demonstrated the full extent of her Variation, which left Holly and me so befuddled that we hadn’t been able to find our room, though we knew our way around every inch of headquarters. I was willing to bet my interrogation would have been very different without Summers’s intervention.
“Do you remember what happened when you were at the lake?”
“No. I’ve been trying so hard to remember, but it’s all gone.” I let my voice come out shaky and nervously wrung my hands.
The sheriff scribbled something on his notepad. “Did you have a fight with someone before you were attacked? Or was there someone you didn’t get along with?”
“I don’t think so. I know that I broke up with Ryan a while before the attack, and Ana told me that we had a rift within our group of friends because of a fight, but I can’t remember what caused it.”
He nodded, satisfied—Ana had probably said the same thing. He asked a few more questions about my relationships with Ana, some of the other students, Devon, and my parents, but I could feel that there wasn’t the usual urgency behind them. Summers had said that Major wanted the police to believe the killer was an out-of-towner. She’d already begun turning their suspicion in that direction. If nothing else, it was now overwhelmingly clear that the local police wouldn’t be getting in the way of the FEA.
• • •
Alec kept his eyes firmly on the windshield, fingers tapping an erratic rhythm on the steering wheel. “Listen, I don’t like this charade any more than you do,
but Major’s right. It’ll be less suspicious this way. Ana thinks we’ve gone on dates before, so it makes complete sense that we’d show up together.” He really had no clue how much I’d have liked being his date if it was the truth, and not one more lie in our elaborate game of deceit.
We pulled up in front of Francesca’s house. The driveway and most of the curb were already crowded with cars, so we had to park a block away. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing considering the sullen looks on our faces, which didn’t scream happy new couple. The house was bigger than the surrounding homes, with a huge porch illuminated by small lanterns. As soon as we were within sight of the other guests, Alec took my hand in his. It felt warm as always, and my belly flapped with butterflies when he smiled at me.
Inside, the party was in full swing. A wave of smells flooded my nose as we entered: beer and smoke and something sweeter—pot? Apparently most guests weren’t adhering to the “smoke outside” rule, and Francesca wasn’t stopping them. To my surprise, she had invited us all to the party, though she’d still been giving me the evil eye every day in school.
In the corner of the living room, Francesca’s arms were wrapped around Devon and her head was flung back, laughing at something he was saying to a small crowd. I’d thought Devon couldn’t stand her, but apparently at parties all bets were off. Her skin was flushed and her eyes looked glassy, like she’d already had one drink too many.
The music was almost a physical thing. The bass vibrated in my body and made me want to grind and swing along with the other partygoers. The living room was huge, with several couches and armchairs and even some lawn chairs thrown into the mix. Most of the furniture was pushed up against the walls to make space for a dance floor.
Alec dragged me through the crowd of dancing bodies to where Ana sat on a couch with her date, Jason. I’d barely spoken to him before, but I knew he belonged to the same group of friends Devon always hung out with.
There was room for one more person on the couch. Alec let go of my hand and nodded toward the open spot.
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