The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I run my hands down my face, not wanting to get up from my spot in the ring. I just want the ground to open up and swallow me, that way I wouldn’t have to try and work out what just happened between us. I swear I was just trying to assess his skill level and see how his technique has held up during his injury. Well that’s what I'm trying to convince myself now. Truthfully, I wanted to kick his arse and make sure that it hurt just a little. I let out a groan and sit up, feeling the muscles in my stomach pull in protest. My workout before Zeke arrived had clearly showed that my core is weakening so I need to work harder, make sure I get back to peak fitness. Maybe a fight with a top ranking MMA fighter wasn’t the smartest move. Especially when I'm apparently insanely attracted to the guy. Being in the ring with Zeke today taught me one very important thing, if I want to keep my sanity intact I can’t touch him. The first few punches were fine, but when he barged me and we fell to the floor, the feel of his whole body against mine made me feel like I was going to pass out. His body touching mine was like receiving an intense electric shock and I couldn’t help my dick’s reaction to it. Thankfully the way he was lying on me hid the fact that I was as hard as stone. I fought so hard against his hold in fear of him feeling my erection and firing me on the spot.

  I stand and stretch my body out before exiting the ring. I look around wondering where the girl that had caught Zeke’s eye when she arrived had gone. I initially thought that he was going to put on a show for her, try to impress her with his moves but now I'm not so sure. He seemed as intent as I was to do harm, to win the fight at any cost and show me he was the strongest.

  My mind goes back to when he was on top of me, the memory that will be with me the rest of my life, and I realize a very important fact. Zeke had felt like he was hard and struggling with an inappropriate erection like I was. I shake my head, convinced that I got it wrong. I mean why the hell would he get hard when he was tangled with me? Was it knowing the woman was watching or was it something else? Was he feeling the same spark as I was? Shit. I could think about this for hours but the obvious reason would still be that being the center of attention turns him on, especially if the voyeur is a woman.

  I sigh to myself as I make my way to the changing room, hoping that he’s already left. I curse silently when I hear the shower running, I guess this is my day for bad luck. I take a deep breath and prepare myself to be ignored, the reality of what I find is very different. The woman who had been watching us fight is now pressed against the half wall in between the showers, her hands griping the towel rail on the other side. She's moaning loudly and the reason for that is the sexy as fuck naked man who’s pounding into her from behind. My eyes track slowly up over Zeke’s body, watching how his muscles move as he thrusts into her. His arms tighten as he holds onto her hips, keeping her in place.

  Eventually I reach his face and see that he's staring right at me. As hard as I try, I can’t look away. It’s like his eyes are like glue, forcing me to stay locked in his stare. There is a heat in his gaze that I want to explore, but the major problem with that is where his dick is. It’s inside a woman, not me, not another guy. It’s pretty obvious that he likes pussy and I should walk away from this scene, but it’s like when you see a car crash. You know it’s going to be messy but you just can’t seem to pull your eyes away from what’s happening. I can hear him groaning from across the room and the sound is causing my softening dick to harden, pushing against the front of my shorts in a very obvious way. This is starting to be a constant problem around him, but this time it’s even worse. I want to look away but also I want to look down and see if I can get a glimpse of what he's packing, see what’s making the girl moan so much. I can’t though, I just keep staring into his eyes.

  There’s a sheen of sweat over his forehead and his pace quickens. His breathing changes and the muscles in his neck stick out, tightening as his rhythm falters. He’s getting close, and I know I can’t watch him come. It’ll be too much for me. But still I stand here, watching him move. I lick my lips and his eyes slowly move lower to stare at my mouth, causing my breath to catch in my throat. After what feels like a month, his eyes move back to mine as he lets out a groan and comes inside her. I’m actually panting as I watch his eyes darken in pleasure and his body shudders as release works though him. The muscles in his arms tighten as he grips onto her hips, his nipples hardening and making me want to feel them with my tongue. I can feel my balls pull up into my body, and the telltale tingle down my spine tells me that I'm close to coming. I groan as I watch and I pray that the woman is making enough noise to cover it. I reach down and grab myself in an attempt to stop what I know is about to happen but I’m too late. I release into my shorts like a twelve-year-old boy who can’t control his body. I open my eyes, not realizing I had closed them. I try not to look at Zeke, but my eyes are drawn to him like a magnet. He's standing in the same spot, still inside of the woman, but his eyes are on me, a look of lust on his face that can’t be mistaken. I look away, not ready to deal with this and what it means. Training is over and I will decide later what is going to happen tomorrow.

  My feet pound the ground as I pick up my speed again, trying to outrun my thoughts. I turn up the music, trying to focus on that and not the thoughts that have been running through my head since the shower incident. I’d hoped that going for a run would clear my head and I would be able to make some sense of what happened earlier.

  After coming in my pants like a teenage boy I left the gym, not even waiting long enough to clean up. I needed to get out before I embarrassed myself even more. It would take a lot for something to be more embarrassing, maybe if I was naked in public? Actually I think I would rather be naked in public than making a mess of my shorts while watching my boss fuck a woman. I hear my groan over the music as the memory assaults my brain. I pick up my pace yet again and concentrate on the burn in my muscles. I know I won’t last long at this speed but exhaustion might just be what I need. I turn along the path that leads down towards the lake. I’ve run here before, finding the peaceful route by accident one day I got lost. The quietness appealed to me but today it’s my enemy. There are no distractions, nothing to pull me out of my head.

  My lungs start to burn, making it hard to catch my breath and I know I need to stop, but I don’t. Instead I push myself a little further and a little harder. When I hit the softer dirt next to the lake I slow my pace down to a walk, trying to catch my breath before I pass out. I’ve pushed my body today and I'm surprised it hasn’t given out on me yet. I’ve done more today than I have in the last few months, and I know when I get up tomorrow I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Pain I can do though, pain I understand. I bend over and put my hands on my knees, taking deep breaths as a set of memories flood my mind. Not now, I have enough shit on my plate without going back there. It’s no good though, I’ve never been able to control the feelings that are caused by the memory of Austin. A pained sob leaves my body as my legs give out and I collapse to the ground. I grab at the dirt as I try to get control of myself. Eighteen months and it still hurts as much as it did that day. Pain rips through my heart and I feel myself struggling to breathe. I force myself to breathe through the heartache just like my therapist told me to. Once I feel like I have a little control I sit back on my knees and look out over the lake, letting the calmness of the water settle my frayed nerves. I breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, letting my lungs fill with cleansing oxygen and exhaling the pain. I repeat the process, concentrating on the water and nothing else.

  I lean against the tree that I collapsed next to, lifting my head towards the sun. I close my eyes and let the heat flow through my body. It was a warm day like this when my life changed forever.

  I’d been dating Austin for nearly a year and he was my everything. We were getting ready to spend the night in the best hotel we could afford, just the two of us. We lived with another four guys in a large house close to our collage. It wasn’t the most amazing place but it was cheap and had enough roo
m for us all. Privacy was always an issue though and we never really got any time to ourselves, so tonight was going to be our chance. An entire night with just us and room service. There was only one thing I needed to do before we drove the twenty miles to the hotel. I needed to win the money to pay for it. I’d been fighting for about eight months, not legal fights, more the underground variety, and I was good. Actually I was better than good, and I hoped all the experience would get me into the official leagues. All I needed was for someone to spot me and give me a chance.

  We’d been watching the fights before mine, so the night passed quickly and before we knew it my fight was next. It felt like any other night and I knew I’d be going home a winner. Just before entering the ring I pulled Austin to me and kissed him passionately, letting him know that tonight was going to be one to remember.

  “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be done in a few and then you’re all mine, baby. I can’t wait to get you alone, I'm gonna make you scream my name tonight.”

  I felt his chest shake against mine as he laughed and I couldn’t help but smile. He was the most perfect man I’d ever met. I leaned in and claimed his lips again as my name was shouted over the speakers.

  “I love you.” Little did I know that those would be the last words I would ever speak to him.

  I was winning my fight after quickly gaining the upper hand against my opponent. I looked over to where Austin stood and I saw someone shouting in his face. I stopped instantly to try and work out what was happening but it quickly became chaos. One minute they were standing shouting at each other and the next the guy punched Austin and knocked him to the ground. I heard screaming but it was only afterwards that I realized the sound had come from me. I tried to move but my opponent decided that this was his time to gain some ground. I watched in horror as the man who punched Austin started kicking his body. I turned and pushed the fighter away, needing to get out of the ring. I finally got out, but was met with a group of the attacker’s friends who pushed me back.

  “Fucking queer,” I heard them say, and I instantly knew what this was about, they saw me kiss Austin. I kept forgetting that the world was filled with hate and that we couldn’t be open about our relationship like other people. I couldn’t believe I forgot my head and kissed him here, in front of everyone. I pushed against them but they refused to let me past. Fists flew and I didn’t even know if I was hitting anyone in my desperation to get to Austin. I knew that I felt an explosion of pain in my face at some point and could feel blood dripping from my mouth but I still couldn’t get to him. Time slowed as I saw his attacker pull his leg back. I pushed with all my might in another attempt to get to him, but I heard the crunch of the guy’s foot connecting with Austin’s face even above all the noise. Austin’s head flew back and the people directly surrounding him were covered in his blood as it exploded from his face. All feeling left my body and I crumbled to my knees, the hands that had been holding me back suddenly vanishing.

  “No, no, no, no!” The words came out automatically as I crawled across the dirty floor towards Austin. The crowd thinned as people realized what’d happened and didn’t want to get involved. I should’ve been angry with them, screaming at them for not helping but all I could think was it just made it easier for me to get to him. I didn’t even look to see where his attackers were, I knew they wouldn’t hang around and I didn’t care. I just needed to get to Austin. I picked him up gently and placed his head on my outstretched legs, cradling him against me. I looked down and I didn’t recognize his face, blood and swelling covering everything that made him mine. I could see droplets falling onto his face and that’s when I realized I was crying. I couldn’t see his chest moving and I was too scared to check to see if he was breathing. I just needed to hold him and not let him go. I was still sat holding him fifteen minutes later when the ambulance arrived, but I knew he’d already gone.

  I reach up and brush the tears from my cheek. One day I will be able to remember Austin without that memory ripping my heart out. I want to remember the good times, like how it felt to be wrapped in his arms and how his laughter made my heart fill with love. Those are the memories that I need to hold on to but they get always get shoved to the side by the last time I held him, his blood covering both our bodies. I let out a deep breath and pick up a handful of little stones before throwing them into the lake. I watch the water rippling out from where the stones disappeared under the surface. It’s peaceful watching, to see that something as small and insignificant as a pebble can change something as big as a lake. That’s what Austin did, he was such a small part of my life but he changed everything and I wasn’t the same after he was gone.

  I drop the remaining stones when I hear my phone alerting me to a text through my headphones. Unhooking my phone from my armband, I open my messages and groan when I see that’s it’s from Zeke’s number. I wonder if this is him telling me that I'm fired, that I ruined everything when I let my anger take control. I reluctantly open it and I’m shocked when I read what he’s sent.

  What's happening tomorrow? I promise not to be late.

  I let a sudden laugh out, probably scaring the wildlife that’s surrounding me. Of all the messages I expected him to write, this was not one of them. Every time I think I know what’s happening, Zeke throws me for a loop. I smile, knowing that life will never be boring while I work with him, but at least I know I still have a job.

  Today has been one epic fuck up after another. Every time something happened I thought the day couldn’t get any worse, but it was like the universe wanted to prove me wrong. Bringing home the random hookup was mistake number one and I paid for that when I got home after training. Apparently she wasn’t too happy with the way we left things and threw a rock through my front window. Well, I'm not a hundred percent certain it was her, but she’s the only person I pissed off today that knows where I live.

  Now I'm sitting with a coffee on my back step thinking about all my other fuck ups from today. I would prefer a beer but I think that would be a very bad idea at the moment. There’s a certain coach who would rip me a new one if he knew I had even thought about having a drink. With that simple thought, I’m brought back to the biggest mistake of the day, and the one I don’t know how to deal with. I thought our altercation in the ring was bad enough, but getting hard when my body was flush with Bryce’s wasn’t where I saw the fight going. Add to that what happened in the changing room, and it cemented it into as confusing as fuck. I don’t know why I watched him while I ploughed into Asha’s body, and I certainly don’t know why I was struggling to come until he came into the room, or why I kept my eyes on him as I filled her body with my release. Bryce staring at me pushed me over the edge into the best orgasm I’ve ever had. When he came, the sound he made as he threw his head back was the sexiest thing I’ve ever fucking heard in my life. That takes a lot for me to admit, but there is no mistaking how it made me feel, even though I know it shouldn’t. I always knew I was different, that what I felt when I was younger wasn’t the same as all my friends, but when I spoke to my dad about it, he told me I was confused and I needed to find a girl. According to him, once I had been with one I would know what I was meant to feel. Now I'm really confused, and I can’t help wondering. Is there more to what I'm feeling for Bryce?

  Instead of analyzing the feelings that are confusing me, I grab my cell from my pocket. I didn’t get a chance to speak to him after Asha left; he had run away before I had even turned off the shower. I don’t know if he's going to come back tomorrow, but I need him to. I need to find out what’s happening to me. Throwing caution to the wind, I text Bryce and pray that he’ll reply.

  What’s happening tomorrow? I promise not to be late.

  I stare at my phone while I drink my coffee. For all I know he could be half way back to England by now, and who would blame him? I'm not the easiest guy to get along with on with on a normal day, so add in how fucking confused I'm feeling and I know I’ve been a dick to him. I can’t help it, pushing people awa
y before they see the real me is a defense mechanism. I need them to leave before they see that I'm not as happy as I make out I am. My phone vibrates in my hand and I read a reply from Bryce.

  Be in the gym by 10. If you’re hungover you will be running again.

  I feel a smile tug at my lips, the feeling of relief is more than I imagined. I’ll see him tomorrow, even though I'm not sure what the fuck will happen when I get there.

  Chapter 7

  I make sure I arrive well before ten the next morning, determined to get on Bryce’s good side from the get go. My efforts weren’t in vain and we’ve had a good day. I feel that we’re getting back on track together but we haven’t spoken about what happened yesterday. I don’t know if leaving it hanging over our heads is a good thing, but there’s been no opportunity to talk. Where yesterday there was no one here, today it feels like everyone who has ever trained here has decided to come at the same time. Even Coach decided that he needed a sit down with me and Bryce to discuss our game plan and for a guy that doesn’t want to train me, he had a lot of suggestions.

  Now I'm standing in the shower with memories of the last time I was in here taking up residence in my head. I can clearly visualize how Bryce had looked when he orgasmed and it’s making me hard. Shit, I can’t be getting hard when it’s so busy in here. Every shower is taken except the one next to me, and at the moment I'm thankful for that. Or I am until I see Bryce walking into the room with a towel over his shoulder. He stops walking when his eyes settle on the empty cubicle and me. Well this is awkward. I can’t leave now, not without making things obvious. I close my eyes and turn away from him, hoping he will just act like nothing is weird. I make sure I keep my head under the water until I hear his shower turn on, only then do I risk looking over at him. His head is leaning forward until his chin is resting on his chest, letting the hot water hit his shoulders and neck.