by T A. McKay
“What are you thinking about? Your body just tensed.”
I don’t think there is a minute that Bryce isn’t fully aware of my mood and it’s a little strange having someone so in tune with me. As much as I don’t like talking about this subject, I don’t want to lie to him. “I was just thinking about my mom and how much I miss her sometimes.”
He doesn’t stop massaging my head as I speak, and for the first time ever, I feel ready to tell another person everything.
“When was the last time you saw her?”
I think about it and am shocked when I realize it’s been about four years. “It was the day after my twenty third birthday. I’d gone home to see her because I thought my dad was away on business. I always timed my visits for when he wouldn’t be there and usually she was happy with that. She knew that I didn’t want to see him but she never asked why, which I'm grateful for. I didn’t know how to tell her that the only reason I started fighting was because she was married to a homophobe who would rather have his child beaten than love him for who he is.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm the tension that’s building inside. This always happens when I think of him. I know that I like to make out the way he treated me doesn’t affect me, that I don’t think about what he put me through but I do. I remember feeling so lost when I was a teen, just wanting my dad to hug me and tell me it would be okay. Instead I had him organizing for me to fight against his friends and to have sex with a much older woman, sex that was forced on me without my consent. Yes Bryce was right, what that woman did to me was basically rape, but what guy speaks out about something that embarrassing? After it happened my dad patted me on the back and told me he was proud of me and as fucked up as it sounds, I felt happy. For once my dad was proud. Even through school when my grades were great and I made the football team it was never enough, he always wanted more from me. When I finally left I swore I would never feel useless again, and not seeing my dad was the best way to do that.
“Anyway, she knew I didn’t like to see him so on this occasion, she lied to me. She told me that he would be gone even though she knew he’d be there. A huge fight broke out between us with him calling me some pretty graphic names until I punched him. Knocked him out completely and she went running to him, screaming at me to get out. So I did. Haven’t been back to see her since.”
Bryce rinses the shampoo out of my hair, his hands still gently massaging my scalp. “Have you thought about going to see her?”
I sigh, knowing that I'm about to sound like a child. “She chose him over me that day, so no, I haven’t thought about going back. She heard what he was saying to me and she still chose him. What sort of mother does that?” I feel his hands leave my head and wrap around me. I relax back immediately in his hold.
“I'm sorry you were treated like that, you don’t deserve it.”
And just like that, a little piece of my heart is claimed by the man who’s holding me. It’s then that I realize that I'm going to have to be careful, there’s a real possibility that I could fall for this guy and I'm not sure how to deal with that. I knew I wanted to be with him, but I didn’t honestly think I would fall for him as much as I have. He’s the full package. He's smart, sexy and as funny as fuck. He’s everything I didn’t realize I was looking for. I never would have dreamt that I would be lying here having one of the most romantic experiences of my life with a guy. I wonder how he feels about me, whether he has any real feelings for me or if this is just a little bit of fun to pass the time while he's over here? It’s something I would love to ask him, but I'm shit scared of rushing us and making things awkward. We just need to go with the flow and see what happens.
“I think we should get out before you turn into a prune. Come on, let me put you to bed.” He kisses my head and I force myself to move. The only thing that could get me moving is the thought of me wrapping myself in Bryce’s arms as I fall asleep.
Chapter 13
I try to keep my knee still but it won’t stop bouncing as my nerves about the upcoming fight showing rear their ugly head. I need to win. If I don’t then I won’t be scheduled for any future fights. It’s not a headline fight but I've been told that there’s a lot of buzz surrounding it and that it’s being billed as my big comeback.
I look down and watch as the ref wraps my hands. I smile when I see that Bryce has brought my red wraps, I suppose he would after me reminding him about a thousand times. He laughed at me when I first told him that they were first on my preparation list, made sure he understood I needed them and that’s why I lost the last time. I know it’s a stupid superstition but it felt like not having the right ones had started a chain reaction of bad luck in my last fight. This time I wasn’t taking any chances. When he realized that I wasn’t kidding he went out and bought dozens of pairs, telling me that I would need them for all my fights so it was better to stock pile them now.
I see Bryce pacing behind the ref, and I want to tell him to stop before he wears a hole in the changing room floor. I know something’s bothering him but I haven’t been able to find out what. I'm sharing a changing room with the other fighters, only the headliners get their own room, so I can’t ask him and I hate not being able to go to him and hold him until he settles. I don’t know what he’s so stressed about. He knows I'm stronger than I've ever been thanks to him.
I hear a loud voice from behind me and I tense up, all my muscles twitch with the need to hurt the owner. The ref finishes my tapes and pats me on the shoulder as he tells me that I will get called just before my fight. I fist bump him and he walks away, leaving me trying to control my anger.
“Well, well, well, look who it is. I heard a rumor that you were back. Didn’t I break you enough last time? Did you really need to come back to let me finish you off?”
I close my eyes, trying to reign in my rage, but his words rattle around in my head and I want to lash out and hurt him. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I immediately calm, the warmth from Bryce’s hand relaxing me.
He leans down and talks quietly in my ear. “Don’t let him get to you. He wants a reaction. He knows that if he gets you to fight outside the ring you’ll be disqualified and then he will never have to fight you. He knows he won’t win again, so he's trying to get you to make a mistake.” His words make sense and I let them drown out Dwayne’s words as I put my headphones on, pretending not to listen. I don’t play the music when I see him approach and stand in front of Bryce. Call me a glutton for punishment but I want to know what he's planning on saying. He looks Bryce up and down, and I want to poke his eyes out, then rip his arm off and hit him with it.
“So, you’re loser boy’s new coach? Word on the street is that you’re pretty impressive. Why you settling for second best when I could use you in my squad? How about you come work for a winner?”
I'm about to get up into Dwayne’s face when Bryce calmly talks to him.
“You're right, I do want to work with a winner. That’s why I'm working with Zeke. I have a way of seeing true winners out there, so, we will see you in the final where I will watch him pound you into the ground.”
I have never seen Dwayne stuck for words but that’s what he is right now as I watch his face redden and he storms away. I can’t help but laugh when Bryce sits next to me on the bench. I want to kiss him so badly but I know I can’t so I make a note to myself to kiss the fuck out of him later.
“That guy’s a bellend, just thought you should know.”
I look at him in confusion. What the fuck is a bellend? I can usually understand most of what Bryce says, but this is one of his British things that I don’t get. I think the last time he had me confused and then rolling on the floor laughing was when he asked me to get him a jumper from his closet. I just stood there in utter confusion, convinced I was going to find a kangaroo type animal in there.
“Nope, I'm lost. You need to explain that one to me. It’s like the whole pants thing all over again.”
He laughs at me and I smile, waiting patiently on an
explanation. “A bellend is like… a wanker.”
I look on, still in confusion, waiting on him using a word I understand but all that comes out are a lot of words that sound great but don’t make any sense.
“You know tosser, knobhead, wankstain… shit… let me say it in a way you understand. Asshole.” By this point Bryce is laughing so hard I think he's going to fall off the bench and I can’t help but laugh with him.
“Yeah, he’s an asshole.” I smile at him, seeing his body relax as he laughs. “It’s nice to see you relax, what’s been bothering you?”
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. I don’t what’s about to come next but I'm thinking that I might not like it.
“I just need to tell you something and I don’t know how to say it.” He gets up from the bench and starts pacing again.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is going to be bad. An ocean of thoughts flood my mind as I try to think what it could be. He's leaving, he's seeing someone else, he doesn’t want with me anymore? All of these things have me panicking. Maybe he wants to leave after the fight and he's warning me that he won’t be here.
I'm pulled from my thoughts when Bryce comes to a stop in front of me, looking down at his sneakers. “It’s just… I'm so sorry, Zeke. I can’t go out there with you. I can’t watch you fight, it will bring back too many memories and I don’t think I could handle it. I’m getting Jesse to tape it so we can go over the fight after. I'm so sorry, I feel like such a shit coach for not standing with you.” His voice is soft and I know that this is really bothering him.
I look around and see that the section of changing room that we’re in is empty so I stand and go to him. I keep walking when I reach him, forcing him to back up until he's pressed against the wall behind him. I crowd him, getting as close to him as possible and I feel him take a shaky breath that makes me smile. I love being able to get this reaction from him, knowing that I can make him feel so turned on by just being near him.
I lean in until my nose is brushing over his. “I understand. I can’t believe that this is what was bothering you. I would never make you do anything that would make you uncomfortable. Never.”
I feel him relax against my chest and I struggle with the need to wrap my arms around him. I move closer until there is no space between our bodies, and I lean in, just about to kiss him when I hear a voice behind me that makes my body freeze.
“Well maybe it isn’t my name that should be ‘man eater’. Is this why you won’t come work for me, Bryce? Getting special benefits from your current boss?”
Panic seizes my body and I start to breathe heavily. This can’t be happening. I can’t be caught with Bryce like this, especially by that fucker. I turn to Dwayne, planning on telling him that he has the wrong idea, but the look on his face tells me he won’t believe a word I say. I hear Bryce talk but I can’t make out his words, there’s a ringing in my ears that I can’t get rid of. I need to get out of here. I can’t be in here. I can’t breathe.
I start walking, shoulder barging past Dwayne who’s still standing with a shit-eating grin on his face. I walk to the corridor that will lead me to the arena. I don’t care that it’s not my time to fight; I’ll wait cage side until I'm needed. I can’t stay in this room with Dwayne’s eyes on me, judging me already. All I can think is how much did he see? How did it look from the outside? Shit! This can’t be happening. What if he starts telling people I'm gay? For once the universe is working in my favor and I hear my name come over the loud speaker, calling me for my fight. I walk towards the cage, determined to work out this anger.
I need to sort this shit out, and sooner rather than later.
I pace the changing room, waiting for Zeke to come back. I heard his name being called and the place erupted into a deafening roar. I also heard his name come over the loud speaker as the winner, a knockout in the first round. As proud as I am, I know that he won through anger. The way he ran out of here when Dwayne caught us, I knew that there was no way he would lose. I see the other fighter’s team enter the room with their arms wrapped around their guy as they help him drag his broken body to a bench. My eyes make their way to the door, waiting patiently for Zeke to enter, but as the minutes tick by I start to worry. I'm just about to suck up my fear of going out into the crowd when Eddie walks through the door.
I rush over to him, worrying that something has happened. “Where’s Zeke?”
Eddie looks confused and that makes my heart race. “He’s not in here? He left the ring and I thought he was coming here.”
My heart drops to my stomach when I realize he's left. He’s run from me the first time someone thought there might be something going on between us. I never expected him to confirm it, to suddenly come out of the closet because someone saw us together, but I didn’t think he would run. I thought he would stay and talk to me, let us sort it all out together. Instead I don’t know where he is and I'm standing here alone and in the dark. I feel tears building in my eyes and I blink them away, knowing I can’t show any emotion or I will make Eddie wonder what’s going on.
“I must have missed him. I'm sure he wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible. I’ll catch up with him later.”
He doesn’t look convinced with my answer and I'm sure there will be a lot of questions coming my way.
I grab my bag from the floor, not even checking that everything has been replaced and walk past Eddie out of the door. I need to get out of here before I lose it. I make my way through the venue, pushing past bodies to get out the main door. I race to my car, wanting to get inside before the emotions take over. I slam the door behind me and let it all go. I start punching the steering wheel as tears run down my cheeks. Anger and pain rages through my body and I don’t stop hitting the wheel until my body is heaving with my painful sobs. I can’t believe that I gave him my heart, I should have known better. I did know better. I knew that there was a fucking huge chance he would leave, and still I did it. Like a stupid fucker I went and fell in love with Zeke, and now he's gone and broken my heart.
I'm sitting in the driveway of Zeke’s house waiting for him to come home. I've been here about two hours now, and I’ll sit here all night if I have to. His truck isn’t here so I know he's not inside but I figure he has to come home at some point. When he does, I’ll be waiting right here for the inevitable showdown.
I pick up my mobile and dial his number again, listening as his answering message plays in my ear. I haven’t heard it ring once, it’s gone straight to voicemail every time so his phone must be off. I'm trying not to let my mind wander but it’s hard not to think where he might be. If he's at a club or bar, or even if he's just hiding from me that won’t worry me as much, but some of the places I picture him are making my heart hurt. I can picture him in bed with a woman trying to prove to himself that he isn’t gay, that he had a little blip on his scorecard but he's back on track now. That’s the thought that hurts the most, knowing that he's probably regretting our time together. I thought what we had is special, but now I think I’m the only one who thought so.
Anger flares inside me again and I start the car, peeling out of the driveway as fast as I can. I refuse to wait around for him. He knows where I live and he's the one who ran. He can come and find me when he's ready to talk. I refuse to be used and to be ignored until he decides to grace me with his presence. Why should I be the one doing the chasing? He fucked up here, he needs to do the grovelling. I drive, letting the anger chase away the hurt that this is causing. As I put distance between me and his house, I try to tell myself that I can’t feel my heart breaking in my chest, that my body isn’t aching with the loss of Zeke.
I pull into my own drive, exiting my car without taking anything with me. I’ll get my bags tomorrow, or when I can be bothered. I need a drink, something to take away the memory of watching Zeke walk away. I close the front door behind me, kicking my shoes across the room as I walk to the kitchen. I walk past the fridge where the beer is and open the cupboard above my
sink. Inside is a bottle of Bourbon that Zeke brought over when he came for dinner. It’s never been opened since I don’t drink hard liquor, but tonight that’s going to change. I grab the bottle and unscrew the lid before taking a huge mouthful. I walk through my house, collapsing on the couch as I take another drink from the bottle. I think back to Zeke’s face when Dwayne caught us. I really shouldn’t be surprised by the look of panic that was clear for all to see. He always told me that he couldn’t come out, but I was stupid enough to think I could make him change his mind, that I would be everything he needed and he would realize that it didn’t matter what anybody else thought. Talk about being big headed, like I'm the type of person that someone would change their life for. I snort at myself and take another big gulp of bourbon, enjoying the burn as it makes its way into my stomach. I can feel the fuzziness in my head already and I'm thankful that I don’t drink much. It will make getting drunk a lot easier.
I wake up lying on the couch and the darkened room around me tells me that I've been asleep for a while. I don’t remember falling asleep but then I drank a lot. I sit up and the room spins. As I hold my head I remember why I don’t drink, that feeling of not quite drunk anymore and not quite sober is the worst. I slowly stand, taking a few moments to gain my balance before walking down the hall towards my room. I pull my t-shirt off over my head, hitting the doorframe as I lose my balance, and throw it on the floor. I collapse on my bed, not even thinking about attempting to take my trousers off. I close my eyes trying to settle the feeling of nausea that flows through my body. I’m going to feel so bad in the morning if I don’t get up and get a drink of water, but I just can’t get my body to listen to me. All I want is sleep, actually no that’s a lie, all I want is Zeke. I lost my anger after the first quarter bottle of bourbon as it took me deep into the sadness I've been trying to avoid.