by T A. McKay
“Well this overpaid coffee maker knows his stuff. He saved my ass on this case, and Simon may have gone home with nothing because of the mistakes that Quincy made. I just think he deserves a thank you.”
The smug look hasn’t left Nathan’s face and it’s starting to piss me off.
“You need to stop looking at me like that or I'm gonna punch you in the jaw. And don’t give me that innocent look, you know exactly what I'm talking about.”
This causes him to laugh out loud, picking up his glass and walking to the dresser in the corner where his mom keeps her alcohol. “I didn’t say a word. If I was going to say something, it would be to ask if you felt this way because you fucked him.”
I watch him as he pours himself another glass of wine and grabs the scotch to refill my glass. He walks over and starts to fill my glass. I know I shouldn’t say what I'm about to, but I love messing with him. I've been busy recently I haven’t had a chance to tell him about the whole Romeo/Roman deal.
“Fucking.”
Nathan’s head whips up so fast I'm pretty sure he will need to see a doctor about whiplash. “What do you mean fucking?” He’s forgotten he's pouring my drink, and it’s starting to reach the top of my glass.
I lean forward and tilt the bottle in his hand, stopping the liquid just before it overflows over the rim of the glass.
“Shit.” He looks like he's about to take the glass from my hand, but I put my hand over his and still the movement.
“It’s fine, I just won’t need you to pour me another drink today.” I laugh again, and it’s his turn to look pissed as he takes his seat again.
“Let’s go back a step. What do you mean fucking?”
I shrug my shoulders as I take a sip over the edge of the glass, trying not to spill it everywhere. “Like I implied with the word. I'm fucking Roman. Well actually, I only did that once in the office. So technically I’m fucking Romeo.”
Nathan looks like his head is about to explode with all this new information, his eye twitching as he tries to process it all, and it takes him a few minutes to come up with something to say. “Okay, so let me get this clear. You’re still having sex with Romeo, but you had sex with Roman at work? Shit, I thought they were the same person?” If he thinks he's confused just now, it’s only get worse when I explain it to him
“They are, but you know my rules about shitting where I eat. My theory on it is, if I only sleep with him at the club then I'm sleeping with Romeo. My work colleague is Roman, so I'm not crossing any lines, well I wasn’t until last week.” The thought of being with Roman in the closet last week has my cock thickening. I didn’t see him at the weekend due to some big performer being at the club. He took over the stage for the whole night, meaning I haven’t been able to touch Roman in over a week.
He hasn’t been in the office since court; he had worked his days off last week so he was told to take them this week. It had been a nice gesture on my behalf, but I hadn’t thought about not seeing him until after the holidays. Now, three days later, I'm missing him more than I should.
“What the fuck, Trey. How does that even make sense to you? This is such a seriously fucked up idea, you have to know it is. And having sex at work, I never thought I would ever see you cross that line. What is this guy doing to you?” That is the million-dollar question, isn’t it? I have no idea what’s happening when it comes to Roman, but maybe if I talk it out with Nathan, I can work out what the fuck is wrong with me.
I lean my head on the back of the sofa, looking at the ceiling while I lay it all out to him. “I have no idea what it is with Roman. You know me better than anyone, Nathan. Have you ever known me to give up my control?” I don’t even look up to see if he's answering my question, we both know the answer is I've never given up control. Even with Bryce, I was emotionally closed off. I was starting to open up, but there were still some lines I wouldn’t have crossed, having sex in the office is one of them.
“He just makes me feel … well everything. I thought it was just sex, but there’s just something about him. He’s super intelligent and funny, and you should see him dance. God, he's like a fucking wet dream. He just seems to be everything I want rolled into one, and I can’t get enough of him. I try to stay cool, act like he doesn’t affect me in the slightest, but I'm like a walking boner most days. We’re meant to have sex in the club and work together in the office, but I just couldn’t keep to the deal. The memories of the shit we do together are always in my head, making it hard to concentrate until I feel him in my arms. And before you say it, I know I sound insane.” I close my eyes, waiting for Nathan to make fun of me, and I'm surprised when I don’t hear laughter.
“You sound like you have it bad, dude. Have you thought that maybe he's the one?” He's just asked the question I've been avoiding for weeks now. I know I need to answer it at some point, but today isn’t that day.
“You know that there isn’t ‘the one’ for me. I'm not built to settle down with anyone, that’s been proven over and over again.” I finally look over to Nathan, grabbing my glass off the table in front of me. I have a feeling I need to be a little numb to continue this conversation.
“That’s bullshit and you know it. I get that you’ve had it rough when it comes to relationships, but that isn’t your problem, that’s theirs. You aren’t to blame for them cheating on you.” We’ve had this conversation over and over, and we will probably never agree on it.
“You say it’s not my problem, but I'm the only common denominator in the relationships. I can’t have more than one person cheat on me and not think I'm the one at fault. I can’t open up to them, and eventually they see it as a problem.”
“Then fucking open up. Tell your hot little go-go dancer everything about you.”
I don’t know why, but Nathan calling Roman a go-go dancer pisses me off. It’s like he's calling him nothing more than a sex object, when in reality he is a skilled performer who doesn’t take his clothes off for money.
“Don’t fucking call him that. If you saw him you wouldn’t say that about him.”
“Then I’ll come. Let me see your friend in action so I can see the attraction.” I'm a little confused at his choice of words and I'm about to question him why he would want to come to a gay club, when his mom walks in from the kitchen.
“Okay boys, the food’s nearly ready so I need you to help set the table.” Mrs. Cooper walks over to Nathan and ruffles his hair with her hand, making him scowl but you can see the love shining through in his eyes. I envy the fact that he still has his mom. I would give anything for my parents to see how well I'm doing in my career, even if I am failing in my personal life.
“Are we using the good cutlery tonight, Mrs. C?” I know what the answer will be before I even ask, but it’s practically a tradition in itself now. She walks over and wraps her arm around my waist before going up on her tiptoes to kiss me on the cheek. I don’t know where Nathan got his height; it must be from his deadbeat dad, because it certainly isn’t his mom. She barely reaches my shoulder, and she is petite with it. She always looks like she needs to put on ten pounds, but she’s been like this for as along as I can remember. It’s not like she doesn’t eat, she might be little but she can eat more than me and I know she definitely will today. Mrs. C loves Thanksgiving dinner, almost as much as I love Chinese food.
“Always the gentleman. You know, Nathan, you could learn a thing or two from Trey. Pay more attention.”
I can’t help but look over my shoulder, sticking my tongue out to Nathan as he glowers at me. I've always liked being the good son in Mrs. C’s eyes.
I look at my watch and see that it’s nearing midnight. Mrs. C went to bed hours ago, and Nathan and me have just been sitting chatting in front of the fire. I ate way too much at dinner and I'm feeling the struggle to stay awake. I stopped drinking about an hour ago, the scotch making it hard to not fall asleep. There is a silence between us, but it’s comfortable, the kind you can have when you know someone so well.
The flames of the fire illuminate Nathan’s face, and it’s the only light in the room. He doesn’t turn towards me, just nodding at me so I carry on speaking.
“Why did you offer to go to Crave earlier? You’ve never mentioned it before, and I didn’t think you would be comfortable there.”
Nathan has always been accepting of my sexuality. There has never been a time when I've seen him feel uncomfortable when I've been talking about my relationships, or more accurately, my one night stands. He jokes about not wanting to hear details, but I know if I wasn’t doing it for a reaction he would be happy to listen. He has always known I was gay, and whilst it’s never been an issue, he's never actively wanted to participate in my world. He’s happy to take a back seat when it comes to going out to clubs and things, letting me go out and do my thing. If I asked him to go with me he probably would, but to offer, well that’s something different.
“It’s just … it’s just something I've been thinking about.” His voice is quiet in the darkness, but I'm sitting close enough that I can hear him clearly.
“What have you been thinking about?” This conversation is starting to confuse me, and I'm glad I stopped drinking when I did.
“Just … shit. I don’t know. The whole guy thing. Did you always know you were attracted to men?”
I can’t answer him straight away because I have a funny feeling the response I give will be very important to what he says next. “It’s always been about the men for me, even when I was younger and didn’t understand it. Have you seen those ladies parts? They freak me out. Why are you asking?”
“Just curious. It’s just … fuck why can’t I just say this out loud?” He suddenly sits upright, scrubbing his hands over his face. He turns to look at me, taking a deep breath as he seems to brace himself for what he's about to say.
“I had a threesome a few weeks back, but not my usual kind. When Nicole said she had a friend called Jesse who wanted to join us, I just thought it was a girl. It wasn’t, but I didn’t want to back out because Nicole was so excited. It wasn’t as awkward as I imagined it would be, and when things touched I wasn’t freaked out. It actually felt kinda good. I just don’t know what this means.” He leans his head in his hands and I hear a soft groan come from him.
Leaning forward, I drape my arm across his shoulders. “Nathan, the only thing it means is you enjoyed a guy touching you. It’s not anything to stress out about. It might have just been that you were caught up in the moment. Have you ever looked at a guy and wanted him before? Do you have thoughts of being with just a guy?”
He takes his time and I'm glad that he's thinking about it seriously, not just shouting no because he feels like his feelings are wrong. “No, I don’t think I’ve ever found a guy attractive.”
“There you go then, even though I am a little hurt that you don’t want my body. You are reading too much into this.”
He knocks his shoulder against mine and laughs at my comment.
“How long have you been worrying about this?”
He rolls his eyes, another groan coming from him. “Since the morning after, so a few weeks. I‘d been drinking that night so I just went with the flow. You know me, I like things a little different.” And that he does. I have never met anyone who has a sex life like Nathan. I like to add a little control, even a little kink into my sex, but Nathan makes me look positively Sunday school.
“That’s all the information I need, thank you very much. I would like to keep a certain level of innocence, and I'm sure after you tell me what you get up to, that will be lost forever.”
Laughter meets my ears and I'm glad that Nathan is feeling better now. I don’t like to see him stressed. He’s usually the happiest, most carefree person I know. Even at work he’s chilled out, a little too chilled sometimes for me. I don’t know how he makes such a good living; he never seems to do anything.
“Thanks, Trey.” His smile is genuine, and I return one as I relax back into the sofa. It’s been such a long day and I’m really struggling to keep my eyes open. I give in to the need to close them, maybe if I just have a few minutes nap.
Chapter 15
I stand backstage as I wait for my song to start playing. It feels like I haven’t been here in months, but in reality it’s only been two weeks. I hated missing last weekend, but all the acts know that throughout the year four special acts are booked and we need to give them the stage without complaint. Tonight I feel tense, like the unspent energy bubbling up inside me is going to make me explode if I don’t use it up. Normally I would have my day job to occupy me, but with the court case ending and Thanksgiving, I haven’t been to work in four days. I’ve been bouncing around the house, trying to get Grey to entertain me but just annoying him in the process. He's been on night shift all week, so spent most of his days sleeping and I had to let him. A grumpy Grey is not a fun Grey.
I’ve felt the need to dance for most of the week, and now, standing here, I can barely stop myself from running out onto the stage. If anyone had asked me when I was younger what I wanted to be, I would have said, without a single second of doubt that I wanted to be a lawyer. There is just something about helping someone who can’t fight for justice themselves, and I want to be the one who does that for them. But there has always been a part of me that wanted something more, a part of my soul that needs to dance. I knew I would never be able to make a career from it, so this job is perfect for me.
I hear the first few beats of Love In This Club by Usher and my heart starts to beat faster in anticipation. I would love to say that the only thing making my heart race is the dancing, but it’s not. I haven’t seen Trey for five days now, and as much as I'm not guaranteed that he's out there waiting for me, I'm hoping with every part of me that he is. He’s come to see me every other night I’ve worked, and the need to see him tonight is almost as strong as the need to dance. I keep trying to convince myself that I can’t fall for Trey, but I know I already have. Every second I don’t spend with him is filled with a powerful craving to see him.
The stage lights dim and I position myself, ready to start. Walking onto the stage I automatically search the crowd for Trey, looking for that familiar smile that I love. When my eyes connect with his dark ones, my stomach explodes with butterflies, and I know that I have given him my heart without really meaning to. My excitement fades quickly when I see him lean over and talk to the attractive guy next to him. They look comfortable sitting there together, like they know each other very well, and when Trey puts his arm over the back of the guy’s chair I feel the first threads of pain searing through my heart. Even though Trey’s eyes never leave mine I can’t hide my hurt. After all his talk about not trusting anyone because they break it and this is what he does to me. Why wouldn’t he just tell me that he doesn’t want me anymore? Why would he embarrass me this way?
I start to spin around the pole trying to block out the vision of the two guys together. I try to remain focused, but I find my eyes drifting over to them without my permission. Both men have their eyes on me and it makes my body erupt with goose bumps. The guy leans into Trey and talks into his ear, and that is the moment when it’s all too much. I close my eyes and let myself drift, let the music take me far away from here.
I don’t know how long I've been dancing when my hands move down to the button on my cutoff jeans, and I'm not even fully aware I'm doing it until my zip is down and I'm slipping the jeans off my hips. The roar of the crowd hits my ears and I open my eyes, looking around at the shocked faces around me. I'm as shocked as the faces out there watching me. There hasn’t been a single time that I have stripped while I worked here, not one time have I ever even thought about it. I come to dance, not so some guy can get his rocks off looking at my naked body, but here I am, my hips moving to the rhythm of the music as my jeans slip down to my ankles and leav
e me in nothing but my jocks.
As the fog in my mind clears and I finally register what I'm about to do, my eyes flash to Trey who is sitting forward in his chair. His face is a picture of pure anger, and I can’t break his stare as I reach down and slip my fingers into the elastic of my underwear. His eyes darken but I can tell that it isn’t with lust, it’s rage that is lighting his eyes, and when he shakes his head, the movement barely registering as I slip the jock seductively down my legs.
I rip my eyes away from his, trying my hardest to ignore his glare. How dare he get angry with me. He brings another guy to my club, sits at a table in front of me with him while I watch, and he thinks he has the right to get pissed at me because I want to show my body off to another man. Okay, it’s not so much showing a man my body and more men, but it really has nothing to do with him anymore. As the music fades out I reach down and grab my clothes from the stage, not even turning back to look at Trey as I make my way to the changing room. I might not be looking at him, but I can feel his eyes burning into my back, and I know that there will be no coming back from this for us.
I take a deep breath before I exit backstage. I took longer than normal to get my street clothes on, usually I'm rushing to get to the private rooms with Trey but I know that won’t be happening tonight. I block out the thought of Trey, determined to get out of here before I break down completely.
Thankfully the bar is dark since another dancer is on the stage, so it should be easier to sneak out without being noticed. As much as seeing Trey with another guy hurt, if he was to speak to me, or even worse ignore me, while in the guy’s company it would destroy me. I stick to the edge of the club as I walk through the crowd, using them to hide myself. I don’t look over to where Trey was sitting because I’m worried that if I look at him he will sense my eyes on him and he’ll find me as I try to leave.