The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I must zone out because the next thing I know Nic is sitting on my knees with her arms wrapped around my neck.

  “Are you ready for the next part?” Her smile is wide and I feel bad for not being in the mood tonight. I lean forward and claim her lips whilst trying to ignore the fact that they feel so wrong. The lips I'm thinking about are fuller and belong to a guy. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have a fucking sexy woman sitting in my lap and all I can think about is a guy who drives me crazy and is currently lying in bed in my house.

  I close my eyes and keep kissing her, deciding that the best way to forget about Grey is to fully commit to this with Nic. Not even bothering with the shower, I pick her up and carry her through to her room, throwing her on the bed which causes her to squeal. She immediately opens her legs and relaxes them out to the side, showing that she isn’t wearing anything underneath her dress. I wait for my body to react, but nothing happens. I take a moment to just look at her before I crawl above her on the bed, hoping that tonight isn’t going to be a complete flop.

  I stare down at my boots as I sit on the edge of Nic’s bed. I don’t know what I'm doing here. I should have left straight after my haircut. I take a deep breath, preparing to get up from the bed, when a pair of arms drape around my shoulders and pull me back into a warm body. I try to hide the shudder that her touch causes, because it’s not her fault that I feel so … wrong? It’s the only word that goes half way to explaining my feeling even if I don't want to admit it to myself. I’ve been here before with Nic, I've had fun and it’s always been fantastic, but tonight something was just off.

  “Hey, baby. Is there something wrong? It took you a while to finish tonight, I thought you were maybe going for a world record.”

  She giggles but I can’t help but feel bad because she's right. Something was wrong, and that feeling scares me. I don’t know if I can be honest about why tonight shouldn’t have happened, because if I am, I might have to admit to feelings that I don’t want to have.

  I don’t want to admit that the only person I wanted to be with tonight was Grey.

  I don’t want to admit that being Nic made me feel like I was cheating on Grey, even though we are nothing to each other.

  I don’t want to admit that I only managed to come tonight by picturing Grey’s face and remembering his taste when I kissed him.

  No. I can’t admit that I think I might be falling for Grey, because that would cause too many problems.

  Chapter 10

  “Grey, will you get your head out of your ass and get the plasma that I need.”

  Dr. Creighton yells at me for the hundredth time today, and I take off down the hall to the blood supply room. I just can’t seem to get my head to function properly. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve asked to be placed on basic duties, and I'm even fucking them up. It’ll look bad if anyone notices, but people seem to understand after everything I’ve been through in the last week. That won’t help me now though as I grab the bags of plasma and rush back to the trauma case that just came in.

  I hand over the bags and walk backwards, slipping quietly away from the action. I can feel my chest start to rise and fall rapidly, the panic quickly becoming too big for me to hide. I need to get out of here and give myself a minute just to breathe. I disappear into the staff room and head straight to one of the private bathrooms at the back. I lock the door and lean back against it, sliding down until I'm sitting on the floor. I drop my head onto my knees and try to control the emotions that are threatening to break free at any minute.

  When my emotions get too much, I can usually manage them until I get home, but this past week has been a strain on my control and I can feel myself slipping into the darkness. I hate not being able to deal with this. I just get a grip of myself and I will be able to get back to work.

  I take a deep breath in through my nose, hold it for a count of three, and then release it out through my mouth. I repeat the process several times before I start to feel my anxiety ease slightly. I lean my head back against the door and look at the ceiling, focusing on the white tiles above me. I let my mind clear like my old therapist instructed, and just let the color soothe me.

  My heart rate starts to slow and my breathing begins to regulate as I focus all my energy into the color white. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s the color that gives me the most relief. We all have a color that helps us focus, one that settles our nerves, and that's what white is for me. It’s an empty color, calming, and the only thing that works when I can’t do my usual routine. The only thing that works better than the deep breathing and visualization is a shower. When I'm under the water I can let everything go and purge all the emotions that I can’t control anymore.

  Now isn’t the time though, I need to get back out there and do my job. I can’t afford to fall apart right now, even if my life is doing that around me.

  I slam the front door behind me, regretting it when I remember that Nathan is probably still working. I walk quietly to the kitchen, despite the fact that being quiet now is a waste of time, but I can’t help it. I go straight to the fridge and grab the bottle of wine I put in there a few days ago.

  I've settled in well here with Nathan, a lot better than I thought I would. We don’t see a great amount of each other but when we are together we get along really well. I've discovered that Nathan is actually kind of funny and really kind, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think he might be one of the most attractive men I've ever seen.

  I see a piece of paper on the notice board just inside the door of the kitchen, and I walk over to read it. The board is where we leave messages for each other, and even after only a week I'm into the habit of checking it when I come in.

  Florence,

  Had to go out. I know I said it was my turn to grab dinner but I won’t manage to. There are menus in the top drawer if you want to order in.

  See you tomorrow at some point.

  N

  I take a large drink of the wine straight from the bottle. Nights like these don’t warrant a glass and it saves having to refill continually. After the day I’ve had I deserve the whole bottle, and since I don’t have work for two days, I don’t have to worry about working with a hangover tomorrow. I thought the anxiety attack would be the lowest point of my day, and I really wish it had been. When I returned to the emergency room we had a teenage boy arrive who’d fallen from a balcony. He had a fractured spine, and I had to spend my entire shift with him, holding him still as he screamed in pain. I hate it when teenagers come in with injuries because my mind instantly goes to Billy and that’s never a good place to be.

  A shuddered breath escapes me and I know that I need to get into the shower. I don’t have the energy to keep these emotions in check today and if I don’t let the pain out soon then I’m going to fall into the darkness, and I don’t know if I will have the power to get myself back out.

  My therapist used to tell me that I needed to go onto medication because these moments would only get progressively worse until I wouldn’t be able to control them anymore. There was no way I was going on anti-depressants when I didn’t need them. I know I'm not an expert in this area but I'm pretty sure that a few days of feeling down doesn’t equate to me being depressed. The anxiety attacks are a relatively new thing and have only become a problem in the last few years.

  I reach the bathroom just as tears start to burn my eyes. I drink most of the bottle of wine in one go as I wait for the shower to heat up. The wine hits quickly and I lean back against the sink unit as the numbness starts to spread, but it’s not enough. I put the nearly empty bottle on the toilet cistern and strip out of my uniform, dropping it on the floor without caring.

  Stepping under the water I lift my face into the spray and let the water flow down my body. When I can’t breathe I drop my head and let it hit my back. Like it always does when I get in the shower, my mind starts to think over everything that’s going wrong in my life. I don’t know what it is about the time alone under the warm
water, but it’s the only time my mind seems quiet enough to think about what it needs to.

  I wish it didn’t this time though, as everything that’s happened recently floods my mind and I cry out in pain. I feel like I've lost everything and I don’t know what to do to get it back. I haven’t spoken to Roman since I moved here and I can’t bring myself to now after so long. He’s my best friend but I feel like I've lost him to Trey. Even though we promised that we’d always be there for each other, when I needed him the most, when my home burned to the ground and I was left sitting on the sidewalk, he couldn’t even be bothered to come and help me. No, instead he sent Nathan to solve the problem. Roman has been the one constant in my life for so many years and filled the void that Billy left when he died. Now I'm losing him and I don’t know what to do to hold onto him.

  When I lost my apartment everything I owned was destroyed. I’m going to have to start again and I have no one to help me. I called the insurance company and they weren’t exactly helpful. I’ll get my money once they do an investigation into the cause of the fire but that could take up to eight weeks. I tried to explain to them that the fire destroyed everything, but the woman on the other end of the phone seemed to care more about ending the call than doing her job.

  So now I'm not only without my best friend, but I’m also homeless and relying on a guy who makes everything in my head so much more complicated. No matter how much I tell myself that Nathan is my friend, and he’s nothing more to me, I still stayed awake the night he ran from the house and listened until he came home. When he did come back he went straight to the shower, and even though it’s not proof, it told me he’d probably been with someone. The pain I felt at that was a surprise. Just the thought of him being with someone else caused an ache inside my chest that I couldn’t explain and how stupid is that?

  I finally give in to the tears and let them run freely down my cheeks as I sob uncontrollably. The ache of loss and fear makes my chest tight and I struggle to catch my breath. I gasp, trying to fill my lungs with oxygen but it just makes me feel light headed. This is one of the worst attacks I've had and I can feel it getting worse. I need to calm down but I just can’t get control over myself.

  My knees buckle and I collapse to the floor of the shower. I put my hands out in front of me to hold my body off the ground as I continue to cry. The water pounds against my back as I kneel there, unable to get myself to move. I don’t know how I will survive this one, I feel like I'm about to shatter apart into pieces.

  I flinch when strong arms wrap around my body from behind and pull me up onto my knees. I’m tugged into a warm chest and kept there, letting me break whilst holding me together. A quiet whisper reaches my ear and it makes me sob as I hear him tell me exactly what I want to hear.

  “Shhhhh, Grey. It’s okay, I have you.”

  When I arrived home, much earlier than I anticipated, I was surprised when I didn’t see Grey. I’d been at Trey’s house discussing the Grey situation with the guys. Grey’s been distant recently and I'm worried about him. I know that he’s been through a lot, but he seems to be shutting everyone out. He isn’t even talking to Roman, which apparently isn’t like him at all. According to Roman, he has never seen Grey like this before and that Grey has always been the happiest one in the room. I wanted to argue with him and tell him that there’s something inside Grey that isn’t happy, but I didn’t think it would go over well that I was calling him out. When we started talking in circles I knew it was time to head home.

  I turn towards his room but on the way I hear the shower so I make a detour towards the bathroom. I was going to call out and ask him if he’d had dinner, but I see that the door is open when I approach. I peek around the corner and see a nearly empty bottle of wine on the cistern. I don't know what makes me do it, but I push the door fully open and walk into the bathroom.

  When I see a figure curled up on the bottom of the shower, my heart crumbles. I’ve never heard someone sound so broken before. I could feel his pain through his tears.

  I’m not even aware of stripping out of my clothes until I step under the water. I press myself to Grey’s back and pull him towards me. “Shhhhh, Grey. It’s okay, I have you.” I just hold him as he cries and try to offer him some sort of comfort. It’s the only thing I can do, but it just doesn’t feel like enough.

  I don't know how long we sit under the spray of the shower, but the temperature starts to cool. I don't want him to get sick so I try to release him so I can turn off the water, but he cries out the moment I do and grabs for me, keeping my arms around him. I kiss his shoulder and tighten my arms. “I'm still here with you. I'm not going anywhere. Just let me turn off the water.”

  He releases his grip a little and I manage to reach the controls. The water stops and the cool air instantly hits my skin, making me shiver. I need to get Grey out; god knows how long he's been in here. I put my hands under his arms and help him stand, turning him as he straightens. I need to see his face; I need to make sure he's okay. I don't get a chance to look at him though as he wraps his arms around my neck and presses his whole body against me. I hug him back, knowing that whatever is happening to him at the moment, he needs all the comfort I can provide.

  I move us slowly backwards until I can reach the towel rack. When I can, I grab a towel and wrap it around Grey’s body. I rub him through the towel, hoping that I’m managing to warm up his body. I'm feeling cold as I stand there in my wet underwear and drip dry, but my priority is Grey.

  We just stand together with our bodies pressed against each other as we share body heat. He's stopped crying now but his hold around my neck is still as strong as it was before. His fingers have started running over the back of my head, scratching over the short hair as his nose runs along the side of my neck. My eyes flutter at the sensations of his touches. I need to stop this before my body becomes fully aware of how good it feels. I'm standing here just in wet boxer shorts, and I'm trying really hard not to think about the fact that he’s naked under the thin material of the towel.

  “Grey, please don't.” My voice comes out huskier than I intended. His touch is sending electric shocks through my skin and I’ve never felt this sort of affect from just a simple touch before.

  Grey’s lips brush against the side of my jaw and his teeth start nipping at the skin in such a fucking amazing way. His tongue follows the teeth and licks my neck until he reaches my ear. I'm rock hard now and he has to feel it against him, because I can feel just how hard he is. My eyes close as I enjoy just one more minute of how he feels against me because I need to stop this. I need to put some distance between us so we can come to our senses and walk away. Well, that’s the plan until he whispers in my ear.

  “I want you, Nathan.”

  The moment he finished his sentence, shivers flood every single one of my muscles. He pulls back from me so I can see his face for the first time. His eyes are red with his crying, but despite this they are filled with lust and I can’t stop looking at him. He's fucking gorgeous.

  “Please, make me forget.”

  I'm an asshole. A fucking no good waste of space, because even though I know I should walk away from him I can’t. Standing here with him in my arms, his hard on brushing against mine, and his eyes burning into my soul, I grab the back of his neck and pull him towards me.

  When our lips touch fireworks go off in my mind. It’s all too much but at the same time it’s nowhere near enough. His taste explodes over my tongue as he slips his into my mouth. This is better than our first kiss because this time Grey is kissing me back and there’s no fucking better feeling. He digs his nails into the back of my head and my hips thrust forward, grinding my cock against Grey’s stomach. “Do it again.” My voice has been limited to a growl, but when Grey digs his nails in again I'm past caring.

  Tingles spread through my body and I push against Grey, maneuvering him until his ass is pressed against the edge of the sink unit. I'm not sure when we lost the towel but I can see his naked back in the
full sized mirror. I finally see what he's hiding under his clothes and it takes my breath away. A phoenix tattoo covers most of his back and it is the most beautifully striking thing I’ve ever seen. I don't have any tattoos because I'm too flighty and can never decide on anything I want to get, but this I would gladly have on my skin for the rest of my life.

  I'm brought back to the man in front of me when he slips his hand inside my boxers and grabs my cock. I just about swallow my tongue with the first brush of his hand. His hold is tight and the roughness of his skin makes a growl build up in my chest. He rubs his thumb over the tip and I’m about two minutes away from filling his palm with my cum.

  I try to back away but Grey keeps a firm hold of me. He reaches down and lifts his hard on against his body before pulling me back against him, rubbing our erections together. My mind goes blank as I just let myself feel. I like to talk a big game when it comes to sex, and I may have allowed other people to assume certain things when it comes to my experience with guys. The truth is I’ve kissed other men, and on one very memorable night I let one rub my cock a little, but nothing more.

  Now with Grey stroking against me, I know that I'm going to want to try some of the things I’ve always wondered about. My attraction for him is not a phase and he’s the first guy I’ve imagined doing anything with. I drop my lips to his shoulder and finally taste the skin I’ve been staring at for so long. I work my way down his body, taking a detour over his nipples on the way. Interestingly, kissing his nipples gets the same reaction as it would from a woman. I wouldn’t have thought men would like that, and I suck them gently into my mouth again just to hear him groan.

  The feel of his skin against my tongue has my cock twitching behind the thin fabric of my underwear, the roughness of the drying material adding to my need. I want to use my tongue to explore every inch of Grey, and as I hungrily look over his body I have this urge, almost a craving, to taste his cock. I’ve never thought about going down on a guy, but if I don't do it I think I might go crazy.