The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  “So you just woke up one day and liked men?”

  I hate the way he makes it sound like I had the sudden urge to dye my hair blue, but I suppose I can’t blame him for being confused. It wasn’t until recently that I told Trey about the feelings I’d had all my life. I spent so long denying that they meant anything that I even managed to convince myself that it was nothing. Whenever I felt an attraction to a guy I would tell myself that I was just incredibly horny and needed to have sex with a woman. It wasn’t the best excuse, but it worked enough for me to hide my true feelings. It wasn’t until that fateful night with the threesome that I was finally honest about it all. “Not quite. I've always been kinda attracted to them, but I thought that one gay guy in the group was enough.”

  I see Trey giving me the finger out of the corner of my eye, but I just keep talking and ignore him.

  “Now I'm a little more open to it, and I'm willing to see where it goes.”

  “And Grey is helping?”

  Now I can’t help smiling but it’s not in humor this time. It’s the happiness I feel when I think of Grey, especially after last night at the club. So many amazing things happened, but not anything I'm going to think about now because a hard on wouldn’t go down well. “Yes, Grey is helping … a lot.”

  He holds his hand up and closes his eyes. “Enough info, thank you very much. Let’s change the subject from what’s making your dick happy. So … can we go to Vegas next weekend?”

  “Are you going to tell us why?” I'm glad Trey asked because I'm dying to know. There is someone there that is important to Dalton and I want to know what it is.

  “I’ll tell you after we go. Let’s just pretend we’re going to party the night away. It can be a guys’ weekend away. We can call it your bachelor party.”

  I look at Trey to see if he's going to push his brother but he lets him off the hook for now.

  “That’s fine, but do we have to take the invalid to party with us? You’ll cramp our style.”

  This comment gets Trey a smack with the cane that Dalton had resting on the couch next to him.

  This weekend is going to be hilarious.

  “Why do I have to go? I don’t know Dalton and I don’t mind staying here by myself. It could be a great weekend, just chilling without anyone bothering me.”

  I don’t care how much he tries to get out of coming on our Vegas trip, I’ll get him there even if I have to kidnap him and smuggle him on the plane. I don’t even know why I'm so excited at the chance to go away with him, but just the thought of us both being away from here, surrounded by strangers, makes me really happy. “You’re coming, Florence.”

  He glares at me from the couch, and right on cue, my dick twitches. I need to try and get myself under control if I'm going to be spending time with him, because walking about hard in front of Trey, Roman and Dalton probably isn’t a great thing.

  “I don't want to go.”

  He looks away from me as he talks to me, like he's embarrassed about something. Any nice person would let him have his secrets, but since I'm not nice, I need to know what’s going on in that pretty little head of his. “Why? Everyone else is going, and it would be a good chance to get to know Dalton. We have no idea how long he’ll be here, don't you want to get to know Roman’s brother in law?”

  “That's a low blow. I just can’t go, okay?” He gets up from the couch and walks away from me.

  I think it’s funny that he honestly thinks that walking away is him finishing this conversation. “See, that's different than you not wanting to go.” I rush down the hall after him, grabbing him by the wrist and turning him towards me. He turns easily, letting me know he isn’t planning on fighting with me. “Not wanting to go is different from not being able to go. You’re on holiday so work isn’t a problem, so why can’t you go?”

  “Just leave it, Nathan.” He tries to walk away again but I don't drop my hold. Instead I push against him until his back hits the hall wall. I cage him in with my arms, making sure he looks at me as I speak.

  “I won’t leave it, Grey. What is gong on in that head of yours?”

  He presses his hands against my chest and tries to get me to back off, but that's just not going to happen. Instead of giving him more room, I move forward until his hands are pressed between our bodies.

  “Please, I just can’t go.”

  I don't move, just staring at him so he knows that he isn’t going anywhere until he tells me. He blinks a few times, a look of sadness passing over his face as he realizes that he’s going to have to speak to me. I know he's managed to hide all this in the past, but he needs to learn that he won’t hide his emotions from me. He needs to let someone in, and I am more than happy to be that person.

  “Nathan.”

  My name comes out on a plea and it makes my heart drop into my stomach. I hate this, but I want him to open up to me. I lean forward and press my forehead against his. “Just tell me why.”

  He sighs, but it isn’t out of frustration. I can almost hear the moment he gives in and decides to share his feelings with me. “I can’t afford to go. I’m barely surviving just now without my insurance money. I can’t spend the weekend away when I need to find somewhere to live.”

  I just stare at him in confusion. Not once have I asked him to hurry up and find somewhere to live. I'm more than happy to have him living here. I didn’t think having someone in my space all the time would be as enjoyable as it is. I thought after a week I would be crying out for my own company, but I actually like it when he gets home from work and we talk about his day. “Who asked you to leave? I don't remember doing something stupid like that.” I kiss his nose, not even realizing I'm doing it until his fingers dig into my chest, holding me close.

  “I can’t stay here forever, Nathan. You need to get your own space back at some point. You will want to spend time with your friends, and I shouldn’t be here for that.” He looks away as he mentions friends, and I hear the words he isn’t saying. He's worried I'm going to be bringing people home to fuck.

  “The only friend I have right now is you, Florence. And I'm not planning on having any more in the near future. So how about you come to Vegas and then we worry about the friendships I might make after we get back?”

  He goes to talk but I kiss him, cutting of any complaints that he might be about to make. I don't care what he thinks, I know the truth. I might have slept about before I met him, and I was perfectly happy with that life, but since I met him, for better or worse, I haven’t had any interest in anyone else. I'm hoping that it might be that this is new and fresh, something I haven’t experienced before, so it’s grabbing my attention. I try to tell myself that it isn’t just Grey that I can’t get enough of, except I think it might be.

  He runs his hands through my hair, pulling it slightly at the back. My dick hardens against him, and I know he can feel it when he smiles. The little tease knows what I like, but I refuse to let him win this argument because he knows how to make my cock happy.

  “I’ve already booked your flight and room, so unless you want me to lose money, you will be there.” I give him a final little kiss before I slip out of his hold and head to my room. It’s a complete lie. I don't even have my own travel or room booked, but like I said, I want Grey in Vegas with me.

  Fucking frustrating, infuriating, stubborn, son of a bitch. I can’t believe he didn’t even ask if I wanted to go before he booked Vegas for me. He didn’t know if I had plans for my two weeks off, I could have been going anywhere. Maybe I had a date that he didn’t know about, and I can’t go away. I laugh at myself. Even I know that there would be no dates while I lived here, and not for any other reason than I don't want anyone but Nathan.

  I came to that startling realization about a week after our first time together. It kind of sneaked up on me, and then one day I looked at him across the dinner table and I just knew I wanted more. It was a strange feeling, but one that seemed to settle my nerves a little. At least it proved that I could have fe
elings for someone, even if I picked the one man who would never settle down.

  Now I just have to hide every hint of feelings I have when he's around, because the quickest way to lose Nathan as a friend is to show him I want more. I’ve seen the panic in his eyes when I’ve tested the water, seeing how he would react to certain things, and I don't want to lose that easiness between us. He’s the one person I feel I can talk to, and I would rather love him from afar than to give up on that. No, not love, just like a lot. Either way it needs to stay my secret.

  I collapse on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I need to get out of Nathan’s house. I think if I put some distance between us it will help with the not wanting to have sex with him all the time problem. Even just now in the hall, if he hadn’t stopped the kiss between us, I would have let him do what he wanted to me. Just to have him touching me in some sort of way makes me happier than anyone else has ever managed.

  I grab my pillow and cover my head with it, screaming into the softness to try and mute the volume. I don't understand how I can go from wanting to kick Nathan’s ass, to wanting to spend the rest of my life with him in one thought process. I can’t want him, and I just need to keep convincing myself of this. Maybe if I kept my distance it would help. Try to limit the time we spend alone together without anyone else there. It will be hard at home, especially for the next few weeks, but I think it’s what I need to do.

  I throw the pillow behind me and grab my cell. I need to check this whole Vegas trip out with Roman. I thought he would have been the one to tell me about it, but I’ve heard nothing from him. I type out a text to him, hoping that he's able to answer quickly.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me about the Vegas thing? A heads up would have been good so I could have come up with a believable excuse not to go.’

  Roman knows that I have feelings for Nathan, but doesn’t know the extent of those feelings. He's under the belief that I find him hot, that I want to have lots of dirty sex with him, but I won’t tell him that I'm falling for him. This is something I need to keep to myself, for no other reason than Roman will push me to tell Nathan how I feel.

  I can almost see how that would play out. I can imagine the color draining from Nathan’s face as he packs up my belongings to throw them out of his front door. No, this is very much something that I will take to the grave with me. I just hope it doesn’t last that long. I'm sure it won’t though, because crushes are normally short lived, and that’s all this is. A simple crush on a guy I know I shouldn’t like.

  Chapter 18

  I hang up my last shirt before pushing my suitcase under my bed so it’s out of the way. When I stand I take a minute to turn and look around the suite I'm standing in the middle of.

  “Impressive isn’t it?”

  I look over to the chair where Roman is sitting and nod my head. When I opened the door earlier I thought that there must’ve been a mix up with the rooms. There was no way I was going to be able to afford to pay Nathan back. It’s a two-bedroom suite, and it’s bigger than my old apartment.

  That's when Roman had arrived to help me settle in and informed me that Nathan would be staying here with me once he arrived. I wanted to argue since my plan for the next few days was to try and put some distance between us, but there’s no way I could afford a room on my credit card at the moment, so I was stuck here. I just pray he doesn’t bring someone back here, because I won’t be able to cope hearing him having fun with someone who isn’t me.

  “Is he sure he wants to share? I mean he didn’t mention it back home.” He’d told me he’d booked me a room, but not once had he mentioned that we would be sharing.

  “Yeah, he called Trey as soon as we landed to tell him about it. He was hoping he wouldn’t be too far behind us, but he couldn’t get the flight he wanted.”

  Nathan had been held up with a problem at work so he couldn’t fly with the group. Thankfully Trey and Roman had been booked in on the same flight so I didn’t have to travel on my own. There was also Trey’s twin brother, Dalton, who I sat next to the whole flight. I have to admit the first time meeting him was strange. He looks just like Trey, just with a rougher edge to him. You can almost feel the power oozing from his skin, but it’s a different power to what you feel from Trey. Trey is more confident, more self-assured, where as Dalton looks strong and like he can take care of himself. The scars on his face tell you that he’s seen danger in his life and has survived to tell the tale. That fact alone had me listening to his stories with rapt attention. I could have sat for hours just listening to him telling me about what he’s done in the past, even though now that I think about it, he didn’t actually tell me anything.

  “So do you want to go get dinner? I think we’re having an early night tonight and then partying tomorrow. Dalton has something he needs to do tomorrow but isn’t telling anyone what it is. It’s driving Trey insane. I think he’s expecting him just to vanish without a word to anyone.”

  I can understand Trey’s worry, he never knows when he’ll see his brother again, but I'm sure Dalton wouldn’t leave without a goodbye. “Did Nathan say when he would get here?”

  Roman shakes his head as he eats another chocolate out of the box that the hotel had left in the room. For a guy with an amazing figure, he really does eat a lot of sweet things. Thank god he dances or I'm sure he would be twice the size. “He was just going to jump on the next flight he could. He's hoping to be here by the morning but that doesn’t really give him much time.”

  I look at the clock on the wall and see that I've taken longer to get unpacked that I thought. It’s closing in on ten o’clock and I can feel the tiredness start to seep into my bones. I know I should go downstairs with Roman and get something to eat, but I don’t know if I can be bothered. “Can I take a rain check on dinner? I actually just want to soak in the tub and then go to sleep. I have a funny feeling that I should rest before tomorrow night.”

  He gets up from the seat and smiles at me. I know that look all too well. “Oh that’s fine with me. I will just go and spend some time with my man, I'm sure we can find something to do to entertain ourselves.”

  I hold up my hand to stop any more information that he might want to share. I really don’t need to know what they get up to behind closed doors. The time I caught them going at it over the back of the sofa in our old apartment will forever be burned into my brain. “Don’t need to know.”

  He laughs before walking to the door. “Meet you downstairs at ten for breakfast. Dalton has his meeting at eleven so we’re going to go sightseeing whilst he's busy.”

  I don’t really want to go out tomorrow and spend money I don’t have, so I have already decided that I'm going to find a salon that I can spend the day in. I haven’t had my hair done properly in a long time, and this is the perfect place to try something new. It will still cost me less than gambling any way. “I won’t be going out. I'm getting my hair done. I want to hit the bars in style tomorrow, and a new look is the perfect way to do it.”

  Roman smirks at me, knowing that when I go for a new look it’s usually a bit drastic. I’ve had a lot of different styles, but the one I'm thinking of is possibly my favorite so far. “Any particular person’s attention you’re trying to get?”

  I feel my cheeks heat a little, knowing that he is fully aware that I like Nathan. “Nope, just want a change. Maybe this is the start of a new chapter in the book of Grey.” It’s all a lie, but I don’t need Roman knowing it. I want all of Nathan’s attention, especially here in Vegas where he’s going to be surrounded by beautiful people. I don’t just have to stand out against the other men, I also have to compete with the women, and I'm not sure I can do that.

  Roman laughs as he pulls open the door. “Yeah, you keep believing that, Grey. But so you know, you’re not fooling me.” He blows me a kiss before closing the door behind him.

  I guess that means I'm not hiding my thoughts about Nathan from everyone. I'm just hoping he’s picking them up more since he's my best friend, because t
he last thing I need is for people to notice that I have feelings for Nathan. If others can see them then there is a good chance Nathan might notice, and that would be disastrous.

  Anyway, standing here isn’t going to solve any of these problems, so I'm going to do what I told Roman I was going to do. I almost run to the bathroom where I spotted the huge Jacuzzi tub when I arrived. It has my name written all over it, and I can’t wait to sink back into some bubbles and shut the world out for a while.

  I open the door to the suite and almost throw my suitcase across the living room. This day has been one epic fuck up after another, and after being held up at the airport for more hours than I care to think about, I'm finally here … even if I’m hours later than everyone else. I’d watched the sky turn dark when I was sitting on the small plane as it taxied on to the runway. At that point I gave up on my plan to meet everyone for dinner and just tried to relax for the short flight.

  I thought my luck might have changed when I arrived in Vegas, but I was so very wrong. I swear it was like someone was trying to tell me that I shouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s my punishment for tricking Grey into coming with me. He’ll be treated to an amazing weekend and I’ll miss the whole thing.

  The problems started with my missing bag, which I still can't understand because there were very few flights coming in that late. After forty minutes they found it but by then my booked car had left, leaving me to wait twenty minutes for a cab to arrive. It finally arrived, but less than ten minutes into the journey it got a flat tyre. By that point I was within walking distance of the hotel so I told the driver good luck with changing it and that I would walk the rest of the way.

  So here I am. Finally in the suite that I booked for me and Grey, and the whole place is dark like I expected. I grab my case and drag it to the dark room with the open door. I peek in and see that the bed is empty, confirming that this is my room. I go straight to the en-suite and strip naked. I feel like I have a layer of travel grime all over my body and I need to get rid of it before I can do anything else.