by T A. McKay
He finally finishes and I just sit and look at him. A lot of the information is new to me and I'm still trying to get my head around it. So many questions rush through my head and I don’t even know where to start. Actually no, fuck that, I know exactly where to begin. “What do you mean Grey didn’t want to do the threesome? He told me he was happy to do it.”
“Use your brain, Nathan. He would do anything for you. He did it because you were so keen on it. Just do me a favor, when you go back to Jared, don’t let Grey know.”
“What the fuck? I'm not going to be doing anything with Jared. I don’t like the guy, I did it because I thought Grey liked him.” I'm sitting forward in bed now, not quite believing what I'm hearing. None of this makes sense and I hate being on the back foot. “I stopped it because I fucking hated Jared touching Grey. I wanted to punch the fucker in the face for even looking at Grey. I needed to walk away but I couldn’t. It might sound selfish but there was no way I was going to leave the two of them together.”
Roman looks a little less pissed as I speak and I'm hoping that it means he might give me some more information and not just scream at me. “So you didn’t want it to happen? Why not, is it just because it was with Jared?”
“It was because it wasn’t me. I don’t want anyone touching what’s mine. And Grey is mine.”
Roman looks shocked at my words and he stands in silence. I'm glad that he's finally seeing what Grey means to me but I have more questions. “Why wasn’t I told that Grey was in my room? Why didn’t I see him?” A nurse had mentioned my husband being there, and when my mom had said she met him I knew that he had been around, but no one told me that he was sitting by my bed day in day out. I can’t imagine what he felt seeing me lie there because if it had been him in the bed I would have gone insane.
“Trey told everyone not to mention it. He thought that maybe it would make things worse. I can’t believe that you said he's yours.”
I can’t help but laugh at him; the look on his face is priceless. It’s a little shock and a lot of happiness. “That’s because he is. Now I just need to prove it to him.”
Chapter 27
I stand and listen as Gabby continues to reprimand me about my work. I can’t believe that I can’t get my head in the game, but I feel like I'm drowning.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with you just now, Grey. This isn’t like you and I don’t know what to do. You’ve made a huge mistake and I need to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.”
I just nod because what’s the point in fighting with her. I gave a patient the wrong medicine and even though it wasn’t dangerous, it could have been. The other nurse on duty managed to catch it but it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I’ve always had my mind one hundred percent on my job, but I just can’t seem to focus these days. The last two weeks have been the hardest of my life and I feel like I need to come up for air.
“I'm sending you home. I'm putting you on a week’s leave and I will re-assess the situation next Thursday. Get your head sorted, Grey, because I don’t want whatever is wrong with you to ruin an amazing career.”
I nod again and walk out of her office. She probably expected me to say something but I have nothing for her. I’m completely numb and I know that she's right. If I don’t get my shit sorted I'm going to lose the second best thing in my life, and after the losing the best, I can’t risk it.
I slam the door behind me and walk to the room that Trey and Roman let me stay in. It’s a nice room, and I'm sure if I cared about anything at the moment I would love it. I don’t though because I'm incapable of feeling anything. The numbness is almost bone deep at this stage.
My cell rings and I contemplate leaving it but it could be important. I pick it up to check who’s calling and when I see the name I drop the cell onto my bed.
Nathan.
My breath starts to become erratic and I close my eyes, trying to focus. I've felt a breakdown coming for a while now and I’ve tried hard to control it, but I've felt it clawing its way to the surface. I start to feel lightheaded as my breathing quickens and if I'm not careful I will start to hyperventilate.
I need to calm down.
I walk mindlessly over to my bathroom and strip off my clothes, struggling with the buttons due to my shaky hands. God I need to hurry up. I finally drop my pants on the floor and I don’t bother to take my underwear off as I climb into the shower and turn on the water. The icy water hits my back and I don't even flinch. I need the water to hide what’s coming. I don’t have the energy to hold it back any more.
The first sob catches in my throat and it’s almost painful. My heart is racing and I try to breathe but it’s becoming difficult. I put my hands against the tiles and focus on the now warm water that’s raining down on my head. I count slowly in my head. Breathe in for five and out for five.
The chest pains start and my concentration is shattered. I suddenly realize that this is going to be a bad one, and now I wish I had taken my councillor’s offer of medication. A few pills and all this could be gone, but no, I had to be stubborn and think I could do it all on my own. I was doing so well with controlling it, but when things went wrong with Nathan it all started to creep back in. It was little things at first. Seeing the worst in everything, not being able to sleep, and now here we are, back in the shower so I can shatter.
Thinking about Nathan is what breaks the dam inside. The tears flow freely as I picture him in my mind. I want to think of the happy times we had together, but all I can see is the moment that he told me that we were a mistake. Everything that we had done was wrong and he wanted to go back and change it all.
My throat burns and I can’t make out anything in front of me through my tears. I’m a moment away from the anxiety completely taking over and I don’t know how it’s going to end. I dig my fingers into the surface of the tiles and try to hold on, needing something to try and focus on while the ocean of pain tries to drown me.
I flinch when arms wrap around my body, but I quickly relax when he starts to speak.
“I've got you, Grey. Do what you need, but I’m here. I've got you, baby.”
Nathan’s voice soothes me more than I should allow, but knowing that he's here and is holding me, makes everything in the world appear clearer. I close my eyes and lean my head back against his shoulder. His lips brush over my neck as he continues to talk.
“I love you, Florence. I know you won’t believe me and I need to do a lot to convince you, but I fucking love you. There’s no one in this world that makes me feel the way you do. I tried to hide from it but I can’t anymore. As much as I want to say this isn’t me, it is. It really is. You make me want things that I've never wanted before, things I never thought I could have.”
I sob as he spills his heart out to me but I listen to every word. It’s what I've wanted to hear for so long, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. How can I trust what he's saying when he said we shouldn’t have happened? I want to ask the question but he just keeps speaking.
“I want to laugh with you and I want to make love to you. I want to hold you together when you’re breaking, but I also want to be the one to make you shatter with pleasure. I want it all, Grey, and I want it all with you. I love you. I fucking love you so much it hurts.”
I close my eyes and let his words seep through me. I don’t know how to respond to him so I just reach up and grab the arm that’s around my chest and hold on tight. His arms tighten and he buries his nose into my neck. It feels like the first time he held me in the shower, and just like that time I feel better. My heart rate is settling as much as it can when I'm close to Nathan, and my breathing is almost back to normal.
The water starts to get cold so Nathan turns off the shower. The moment that his arms unwrap from me I miss him. I want him to never let me go. A towel is placed around my shoulders and Nathan leads me from the bathroom into my bedroom. I stand next to the bed as Nathan strips me of my wet underwear, leaving them
in a pile on the floor. He pulls the covers back and I climb into bed, the sheet sticking to my still damp skin. I start to shiver but soon I have Nathan’s hot body next to me, pulling me close to keep me warm.
I still haven’t said anything to him and I know that I'm going to need to soon. I need to tell him how I feel and explain why I can’t trust his words, but it feels so good to be in his arms again. Maybe he won’t push me tonight and I can just enjoy the moment.
“I’m sorry. When I said that we were a mistake. I lied. I was scared of what I was feeling and didn’t want to admit it, so I pushed you away. All I wanted was a little time to work it all out but I couldn’t explain it. Then I literally couldn’t tell you since I was a little bit asleep.”
I cuddle into his chest more as I remember watching him in the hospital bed. He feels so alive now, and I hope that it chases away all the memories of him nearly dying. “I watched you die.”
He kisses the top of my head and I want him to keep going until he reaches my lips. “I didn’t know that until Roman told me in a very nice and controlled manner.”
That makes me laugh, because if I know anything about my best friend, then there’s no way he said anything to Nathan in a remotely polite manner.
“I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine how you felt. If it had been you on the table I think I would have died along with you. But I'm here. Alive and well. Just don’t look too closely at my face, it might put you off.”
I sit up and for the first time I look at him. There’s a faint red line down his left cheek but he looks as beautiful as ever. I don’t think there would be anything that could make me not want him, but that doesn’t solve the fact that I don’t know if I trust him. “You're gorgeous and you know it. I don’t think there’s a person out there that doesn’t want you.”
“Do you?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that this should happen.” I need to be completely honest with him for a change because that’s the only way that this will be sorted once and for all. As much as walking away from him hurt, being with him when I don’t trust him would be worse.
“Do you have feelings for me, Grey? True feelings?”
I look him straight in the eye and finally say the words that I've been holding in for months. “I love you, Nathan. Big scary, grown up love. I just don’t know if I can trust you. How do I know that you can spend the rest of your life with me, a guy? You’ve only ever been with women and I don’t know if I can believe that you can go the rest of your life without being with another one.”
“Why can’t you believe that? I'm bisexual, Grey, not a fucking cheat. Why can’t you understand that I wouldn’t care if you had a fucking pussy? I love you. It’s as simple as that. I, Nathan Cooper, love you, Greyson Green.”
I try not to smile, because it would give away the fact that my heart is melting a bit with his declaration, but I can’t hold it in. He's saying all the right things. I know that this is my problem and not his, but it’s there nonetheless. “Can you be with me though, Nathan? If I say yes then I want everything. I want the good, the bad and the in between. I don’t walk away easily, so I don’t want to start this for you to get bored. I want everything.”
It’s his turn to smile and I watch his lips more, wanting to taste them more than anything. I'm feeling quite proud of myself that I haven’t pounced on him yet.
He sits up and pulls me up until I'm sitting in front of him, mirroring his position. He cups my face with both hands and kisses me gently. “I. Want. Everything. Listen to the words I'm saying. I want it all. I don’t care if it’s messy and difficult. I don’t care if there are days when you don’t talk to me because I've pissed you off, as long as you come to our bed at night and hold me while you forgive me. Move back in with me. Come home.”
I should completely say no. I should tell him that he's insane and that we have so much to sort out before I even think about moving back in with him. That’s what I should do, but instead I lean forward and finally claim his lips. God I've missed this. His taste and the way his tongue brushes over mine is heaven. I can’t help but moan into his mouth, and when he pulls away from me I hear myself whispering one single word. “Yes.”
I feel his hands tighten on my face but it’s only momentary before he tackles me to the bed. I hear his grunt of pain and know that he's hurt something.
“Shit, what did you do?” My hands move over his body like I can see inside his skin.
“I'm fine, just came down a little heavy on the ribs. They’re healed but still a little tender.”
I can’t stop touching him, scared that he's done something to himself. Seeing him lying in that hospital bed must have had a bigger impact on me than I thought.
“Hey, I told you I was fine. I know you saw me at my worst, but it’s different now. Look, all healed.” He takes my hand and runs it over the scar on his face.
I stroke my thumb over the thin red line, remembering what it looked like when I removed the bandages. It’s healed amazingly, and within a few months you won’t really see a mark at all. “I love you.” It’s all I have to say, and I want to keep saying it for the rest of my life. I know that I should spend more time figuring things out with him, but after nearly losing him I don’t want to miss a single moment.
He leans down and kisses me, this one with a little more passion than the last and my body melts into the mattress below me. With my eyes closed and his lips on mine I let the world fade away. I know I shouldn’t be so quick to forgive him, but once you’ve seen the man you love die in front of you, you realize that time is precious. I don't want to waste my life being away from him, focusing on the shit instead of the good. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future with Nathan, but I know I'm going to love him every step of the way.
I can’t believe I'm kissing him. My lips are on Grey and he isn’t pushing me away. When I arrived tonight I was prepared to get on my knees and beg for a scrap of forgiveness, but instead I have him agreeing to move home with me and I'm touching him. I don’t know what made him say yes, but I'm not going to question it now. I just need to move this along quickly so he doesn’t have a chance to change his mind. If I'm being truthful I want to pick him up now and carry him home.
“When are you coming home? Tomorrow? Now?” I feel him laughing against my lips but I don’t know why he finds it so funny, I'm being deadly serious. I have spent far too long without him and I won’t spend another night without him in my bed.
“A few days. I need to get things sorted with Roman and Trey. They were good enough to give me a room so I don’t want to just run out on them.”
Nope. Not what I want to hear. I raise myself off his body and grab my cell phone from his nightstand. I put it there when I arrived and heard him in the shower. I knew exactly what was happening the moment I heard the water, so I undressed in here and left my phone. I press speed dial one and wait. Grey is giving me a strange look but I don’t explain as I wait for my call to be answered.
“What’s up?”
“Grey is moving out tomorrow. Let Roman know he's coming home with me.” I'm met with laughter but I don’t care.
“I'm on it. Will be nice to have some kitchen sex again.”
“Nope, still not wanting the details on that.” I hang up with Trey’s laughter in my ears and turn to look at Grey. He's sitting with a shocked look on his face, but I don’t know why he's still shocked by the things I do. “Notice given, and be thankful I'm giving you the night to pack. I want you in my bed, Grey, and if you’re a good boy I might let you leave it at some point.” I wiggle my eyebrows and his shocked look finally morphs into laughter. Hearing him laugh after all the tears and hurt warms my heart and fills it in a way I can’t explain. Shit, I'm turning into Trey with all my soppy thoughts.
“You do know that I shouldn’t forgive you. What you said, it broke my heart, Nathan.”
I can still hear hurt in his voice and I sit back on the bed, leaning against the head
board. I pull him towards me until he's straddling my lap. I grip the side of his face and try to ignore the fact that I just did a stupid thing. I need him to know how I feel about him, that I love him and I'm sorry, but I'm finding it really difficult to ignore the fact that his naked cock is sitting on top of mine, hardening as the seconds tick on.
“And I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you how dumb I was.” I lean forward until my forehead is leaning against his. I can feel his breath against my lips and I groan at the feeling. This is what I want, moments of peace as I just hold him. “I spent all my recovery time working out what I want. Actually that’s wrong, I had just realized that I love you when the car hit me. I blacked out thinking about how pissed off I was that I would never be able to tell you. That’s when I knew I had to have you, it just took me a while to be strong enough to come and get you. I didn’t want to come to you injured in case you ran. I needed to be strong enough to drag you back.”
He leans in and brushes his lips over mine. My cock twitches and I know he has to feel it. He moves on top of me, moving his chest closer to mine which makes our cocks rub together. I exhale on a stutter at the feeling.
“Can you live the rest of your life without having sex with a woman? Can you be happy with just me?” He tilts his hip and is rewarded with a louder groan. If he keeps doing shit like this there’s no way that I will be able to have this conversation.
The fact that I've slept with women is still a problem with Grey, it’s almost like he can’t believe that I can go the rest of my life without it. I need to show him that I want him for him and it’s not conditional on the equipment he brings to the table. “I am going to say this one more time. I don’t give a shit that you have a dick. I love you not your cock. Okay, I love your cock but that’s not the discussion here. I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to convince you that it’s you I want. You need to accept who and what I am, or this will never work.”