by Jillian Hart
“Wait a minute. You know something about computers?”
“Why, of course. I Internet all the time. There are so many wonderful things! I belong to a book club online, can you imagine? We read inspirational romances and discuss them. Oh, and the Bible resources and, my, those lists. I belong to a rubber-stamping list and a crocheting one, and I could go on and on. Look, I see what your problem is. I’ll just change this setting.”
To Sam’s complete amazement, the printer that had remained stubbornly silent started printing. “You’re a lifesaver.”
“No more than you are, my boy.” Ruth glanced up, and her sharp gaze traveled straight to the window that looked out over the neighboring backyard. “Kirby is home. Isn’t she just a lovely girl?”
Sam prayed for patience. He was going to need it. “Of course she is, but no one is as lovely as you.”
“Stop that, now. Goodness, I’m trying to open your eyes to one of the Lord’s most precious blessings—”
“Pizza? It’s nearly suppertime. I could phone in an order to the local pizza place.”
“Pizza is not a precious blessing.”
“It is if you’re hungry.”
“Oh, how you make me laugh. You’re too much like your uncle, God bless him. My side is starting to hurt.” She waggled her finger at him. “I’m talking about love. You’ve been alone a long time. Maybe you ought to let go of the past. Maybe what’s ahead of you, if you are man enough to risk it, will be the best part of your life. You never know.”
“All right, I hear you. I’ve listened. Now, can we change the subject? Why did you stop by, anyway?”
“I just got lonely for you and wanted to see for myself if this house is going to suit you. There’s more damage here than you told me about—”
“Yes, but don’t you worry about it. Since I’m not ever going to marry, I have a lot of time on my hands. I like to work with tools. Saws. Drills. Hammers. It completes me as a man.”
Ruth held her stomach as she howled. Good, he liked making her laugh. She’d been sad for a long time after Ned’s death. “Fine. Do you know how to run this computer? Or do you need someone to show you?”
“What will it cost me?”
Ruth set her big black handbag on the table and pulled up a chair. She didn’t look altruistic at all as she named her price. “I want to see a wedding ring on your hand by summer’s end.”
“No deal. The offer of a pizza still stands.”
“Then I’ll take it, but I’m not giving up hope for you, my boy.” She patted his hand, a lifetime of love, of family ties, strong between them.
The keyboard tapped as Ruth worked, and Sam tried to pay attention. He really did. He wanted to figure out the computer so he didn’t have to rely on anyone.
He was a loner. A survivor. A strong man who didn’t need love.
So why did his gaze drift to the window? Why did his attention turn from the monitor’s bright screen to the woman next door? Why did his chest squeeze and his soul fill with peace? Why did longing move through him at the sight of her? At the sight of her graceful, gentle beauty. At the memory of having her in his arms, so sweet and soft and lovely.
Why was it, when he looked at her, he felt whole? As if the past wounds no longer hurt. As if Carla and her memory no longer mattered.
He could almost imagine it. Kirby turning toward him with real love in her eyes, reaching out to him, the man she loved honest and true. She could light up his life, like dawn to the world.
Did he have enough heart left to love her in return? The pit in the center of his chest was cold. Hard. Broken.
What was he doing? He had no business letting the wish into his heart. The wish for her.
Unaware he was watching from the window, Kirby flicked a long shank of her wavy hair behind her shoulder and pulled something from her pocket. A plastic pink ball. She held it up for her dog to see and then tossed it. The ball sailed through the air, the spaniel barked happily in pursuit and Kirby clapped her hands, cheering on her beloved dog as the cocker retrieved the ball and ran back to her mistress.
Kirby knelt, praising the animal gently, and brushed her fingertips across the dog’s soft curls. So loving and gentle. What a good wife she would make, he realized. What a wonderful mom.
She deserved so much. What she didn’t need was someone who was cynical and wounded and used up. A man who was tarnished by life. Who would always be.
Kirby deserved a man with a whole heart to give her. A man who believed there was love on this earth strong enough to last.
And if it made him sad, made him feel as if the bottom had just dropped out of his world, well, then, that was just the way it was. He was a realist. He was tough. He was strong enough to make the right decisions.
“How about that pizza, Ruth? You like double pepperoni and sausage, right?”
“You’d better make it a large. I’m hungry.” Hope twinkled in her eyes.
Sam groaned. He knew, beyond a doubt, that she’d seen his heart on his face. Saw his tender feelings for Kirby McKaslin that he refused to name.
Refused to feel.
Was it her imagination or was Sam busier than he’d been for weeks? Kirby wondered as she rinsed vegetables in her sink. She spotted Leo racing around in the backyard, sniffing the air, checking for invaders or for squirrels that were hiding in the trees.
But no sign of Sam.
She’d hoped to catch up to him this evening. She’d kept an eye out for him, thinking he might step out onto his back deck to barbecue his supper. But it didn’t look as though he was anywhere near. His windows were closed up tight. His truck wasn’t in the driveway.
She’d held off fixing her own meal in the hopes that Sam would come home. Her stomach growled.
“That’s what I get for waiting.” For wanting. She turned the lettuce upside down to drain, left the carrot and tomato in the drainer and plugged in her grilling machine. She didn’t feel like making a fuss over lighting up the barbecue. She’d be making a meal for one, like always.
But maybe not forever.
She grabbed the spatula and lifted the beef patty onto the grill. She seasoned the beef, lowered the grill’s lid and washed her hands in the sink. And because the window just happened to be in front of her, she looked through it and noticed Sam still wasn’t home.
She missed him. An entire day and a half had gone by and she hadn’t seen him. She longed for him. Remembered the way he’d kissed her tenderly. She felt thrilled and alive, as if everything was right in the world. As if nothing would ever be wrong again.
The phone rang. Was it Sam? She still had time to throw another patty on the grill. Hope uplifted her as she snatched the cordless from the table and glanced at the caller ID.
Not Sam, but Kendra. Kirby tamped down her disappointment, because it was always good to hear from her sister. “Howdy, stranger.”
“I’ve been thinking about you, so I thought I’d give you a call.” Kendra was a year older than Kirby, and they had always been close. “You left right after Bible study last night. I didn’t get the chance to talk to you. Nobody did.”
“I know. I had to head home and take care of my dog.”
“Sure. If I were Michelle, I’d say that you were rushing home to spend time with that new neighbor of yours.”
Kirby groaned. “No, I don’t want to talk about it—”
“But I’m not Michelle, so I understand. Just take your time, okay, sis? Falling in love means trusting someone. It’s good to know he’s worth that level of trust.”
“Sam is a good man. I know it.”
“Then you do care for him?”
“Yes.” More than care. It was frightening, because it was so powerful. Nothing had ever felt so right. As if all the pieces of her life suddenly fit.
While she toasted the hamburger bun in the oven and removed the meat from the grill she asked how her sister’s land purchase was progressing. By the time her sister had finished answering, Kirby had her hamburger
made and was making up a small bowl of salad.
“Will I see you on Friday, or will you have a big date?” Kendra asked.
“I’ll let you know right after I know.” Kirby swept the last of the tomato from the cutting board into the bowl. “Otherwise, we’re on for Friday night.”
“Great. I love being your backup.” Teasing, Kendra said goodbye and hung up.
Jessie barked the exact minute a knock rattled the glass window on her back door.
Sam. Kirby came alive at the sight of him. Every sense, every feeling inside her focused solely on him. Happiness made her feel weightless as she floated to the door. Leo pushed his way in, greeted the little spaniel and headed straight for her counter and her dog biscuits.
“Leo! Don’t you dare,” Sam ordered and glowered at his dog.
The big rottweiler sighed, gazed longingly at the treats, then at the hamburger sitting on the edge of the island.
“Don’t even think about it. Come here. Lie down.” Sam winked at Kirby, keeping a stern face for his errant dog. He waited while Leo ambled outside and lay down on the deck. The cocker joined him, snuggling up to him companionably in the late-evening sunshine. “Good dogs.”
Kirby loved everything about this man. His sense of humor, the way he treated his dog. The fact that seeing him was more thrilling than if someone handed her a million dollars cash. She loved the way his hard mouth softened in the corners and crooked upward when he started to grin.
Except he wasn’t grinning. He looked tense, instead of relaxed. Pensive, instead of glad to see her. He glanced nervously at her prepared meal.
“Maybe I’d better come back. After you’ve had a chance to have your dinner.”
“Why don’t you come in anyway?” Whatever was wrong, maybe he wanted to talk about it. Maybe she could help him. After all, their relationship was deepening. She headed toward the refrigerator. “I bought the kind of root beer you like. Want one?”
“Uh, thanks.” He jammed his hands into his jeans pockets. “So, you had a long day?”
“Pretty good. It was busy at work, but I wasn’t the only practitioner on today, so I got home at a decent hour.”
“And you’re just now getting to your supper?”
“I was doing other things.” A faint blush stained her face as she pulled open the refrigerator door and withdrew a can from the bottom shelf.
Sam caught a glimpse of her perfectly clean refrigerator, every item inside neat and orderly and in place. Just like the rest of her house. And her life.
A neat, orderly, pretty life he’d never fit into. Just say it and get this over with. He didn’t want to, but he was man enough to face it.
And man enough to recognize the glow of emotion in Kirby’s gaze as she handed him the cold can. How was he going to do this while she was eating? This wasn’t the kind of pleasant conversation people had over dinner.
Her delicate brows furrowed. “Are you hungry? It will take a second to cook a burger on the grill.”
“Thanks, but I took my aunt out to pizza.”
“Ruth?” Kirby lifted her plate from the corner of the island. “How is she doing?”
“Better than I am. She taught me how to use my computer this afternoon. The one I bought and wanted to shove right back into the box about two minutes after I’d hooked it up.”
“That’s natural. Not to worry, because intense frustration is to be expected. They don’t tell you that in the instruction manual.” She glimmered like a pearl when she smiled. A soft sheen of light that was gentle. Real. True.
This was going to kill him. Lord, if You’re listening, please show me the way. Give me the right words. So I don’t hurt her.
The last thing he’d ever want to do was to hurt Kirby.
He took the chair across from her. Sat down. Bowed his head while she said grace. Then popped the top of the aluminum can, trying to figure out how best to start.
He already knew how this was going to end. With Kirby hurt. How he was going to stand that?
Chapter Thirteen
He took a long slow drink of soda. What was he waiting for? Might as well jump right in. No sense in letting this take longer than it needed to. It had to be done. He had to explain that he didn’t want to mislead her. He wanted her to understand the way things were.
So, how did he start? “Talking with Ruth today got me to thinking. She’s the only family I have left. The only family I’m likely to have.”
Kirby sprinkled fat-free ranch dressing on her salad. “It must have been hard being away from your family, first in the military and then as a corporate pilot.”
“Yep. By that time, my mom had passed. That left my wife, and my uncle and aunt. Now just my aunt.”
“That’s why you moved here. To be near her.”
“Don’t admit that to her, though. I’d never hear the end of it. She’d be stopping by constantly to kiss me on the cheek and show me how she’s better on my computer than I’ll ever be.”
There he was, joking when he had serious business to do.
How could he do it? Kirby was so nice. So good and wonderful, everything a man could wish for. She was a dream come true.
But she couldn’t be his dream.
It was better to stop this now, before they both got hurt.
“My aunt seems to think I might get married one day.” Sam peered over the rim of his can as he took another long sip, watching Kirby’s reaction. “Ruth’s wrong, and having her talk on about me getting remarried makes me pretty uncomfortable. I’ll never do that again. Ever.”
Kirby stiffened. Her fingers tightened on the dressing bottle she held over her salad.
He hated this. He clenched his fists hard, looking at his white knuckles. “She thinks because she had a rare, happy marriage that everyone has that kind of relationship. I never told you about my wife, did I?”
Kirby put the dressing bottle down. Eyes big, she shook her head.
He could read so many emotions in those big luminous eyes of hers. Everything from surprise to a sad acceptance. What shocked him was the hard punch of emotion in his chest. He felt as if he were losing something, too, and felt the sorrow of it.
He cleared his throat and thought about leaving it at that. Maybe that had been enough for Kirby to get the idea. But he realized he had more to tell her. He owed her the truth. The whole of it.
Tenderness warred with the sadness inside him, because he really could love her.
“Remember I told you that I was captured? And two of my buddies died?”
Kirby didn’t answer. She watched him with unblinking eyes, sitting so still that she didn’t appear to be breathing.
“I was in pretty bad shape for Mark’s funeral, but I made sure they let me out of the hospital to attend. And what a blessing and a curse, it turned out. My wife broke down after the service. Come to find out, she’d been in love with Mark, who had married someone else. She’d never loved me. I never figured it out until that moment.”
“You must have been devastated.” Kirby closed her eyes, the crash flashing back to her in a quick, consuming horror. “You weren’t responsible. You survived because you did, and to blame you—that makes no sense. It’s not right. You’re a good man, Sam. If you could have saved your friends, you would have done it.”
“At any cost.” He still felt that way. “Sound familiar?”
“Oh.” She stared at the plate in front of her, her untouched food.
Well, maybe this would help her, too, in more than one way. “She’d broken places in my heart I didn’t know were there. Places that have never healed to this day.” He pushed away from the table. It hurt too much to remember. Tore at him as he headed to the door.
Finish it, Gardner. You can do it.
He took a steadying breath. Did what he had to do. “I think she was a very unhappy person inside, you know? She was never content with her faith or me or the blessings she’d been given. She always wanted something better. And she figured out pretty quick tha
t I wasn’t better. I come with flaws and failures and sorrows. I have no heart left to give. So, now you know the truth about me, Kirby.”
“Who could be better than you, Sam?”
Kirby’s gentle words, shining with sincerity, made his eyes burn. Carla, his own wife, had never said anything so kind. So caring.
And he hungered for it. Needed it so badly.
If only he could go back in time and choose Kirby instead, to come to her with a whole heart, to be the kind of man she needed.
But a man couldn’t change his past. Or find his heart once it was lost. Who could love a man like that?
Not even Kirby, with her tenderhearted concern. With her good deeds and faithfulness and kindness.
It was better to save his pride and what remained of his dignity.
Sam couldn’t look at Kirby. She would reach out and try to comfort him, and what good would come from that? It would only make him want her more.
So he walked off her porch and out of her life.
Sam disappeared before she could call out to stop him. He’d hopped over the deck rail and circled the corner of the house before she could race after him. Did she follow him home to make sure he was all right? Or did she respect the intent of his visit?
The ringing phone distracted her. She grabbed the receiver, then recognized the number on the display. Her upset and worry over Sam evaporated as she heard the dispatch from the emergency operator. The angel flight she’d agreed to staff was on. Sarah had a bone marrow donor.
Every instinct Kirby had made her want to say, “Call the next nurse on your list.” But no, she would see this through. With Sarah. And with Sam.
By the time she’d called in her dog, locked the back door, made sure the grill was unplugged and grabbed her medical bag, Sam was backing his big pickup down his driveway and into the shadowed street.
So now you know the truth about me, Kirby. Yes, she knew the truth about Sam Gardner, but it wasn’t what he thought. She saw a man deeply hurt. A man who didn’t think he was lovable. Or able to love.
A man who didn’t love her. He didn’t want her.
Pain leveled her. At least she’d never told him her true feelings. Embarrassed, shaken, she climbed into her car. She was in no mood for music, so she turned off the radio.