by Amber Lynn
Jasmine couldn’t read them and only heard about half the things the people around her were saying. All she kept thinking about was that a week hadn’t been enough time to say everything she wanted to say.
“I know it’s selfish, but I could really use some more of your advice.” Jasmine had rambled on as much as she could, but for the most part she’d brought up memories that comforted her more than anything else.
She knew John was waiting somewhere in the hospital, the nurses had used him as a reason for her to leave Meemaw’s side for a little bit, but Jasmine wasn’t going anywhere. Her mother hadn’t made it back from the trip she was on, so as far as close family members, Jasmine was all Meemaw had.
Even if there was someone else to sit with her, Jasmine would’ve fought for the right to be there, and no matter how much John had mellowed her usual stubbornness, whoever fought her on it would’ve met with her inner harpy. The hospital staff had already found out the truth of that matter. She hadn’t needed to get to the point where she threatened to disembowel anyone, but it had been touch and go for a while.
“This is so unfair. There’s never been a time when I needed you more, and now you’re not going to be here. Who’s going to be there when I mess things up with John? We both know it’s going to happen and I’m going to fall to pieces when it does.”
A female voice clearing from the doorway drew Jasmine’s attention. “I didn’t want to interrupt, but one of the guys in the waiting room insisted you needed to have this.”
The brunette nurse looked a little hesitant, but she stepped into the room and held out a piece of paper. Jasmine assumed it was something from John, who’d more than likely been trying to get ahold of her. Jasmine made no move to take the paper, so the nurse came up to the bed and put it down in front of Jasmine.
She looked at the monitors quickly and left without saying another word. Jasmine wasn’t sure what she wanted to hear from the woman, but she would’ve liked some indication of how things were going. A simple “it won’t be long now” would’ve caused pain, but it would’ve been nice to know something more.
Jasmine looked down at the paper, and would’ve dismissed it if she didn’t recognize the handwriting. It wasn’t a note from John. It was from Meemaw.
Straightening up, Jasmine grabbed the piece of paper and unfolded it. It wasn’t a simple piece of printer paper or from a notebook. The thick cardstock came from Meemaw’s extensive stationary collection, which Jasmine wasn’t aware of was actually ever used.
Seeing the many words scrawled across the paper, a fresh set of tears started falling from her eyes. The salty liquid trailing down her cheeks hadn’t stopped since she climbed into the ambulance and got a good look at how bad things were. If the paramedics hadn’t assured her Meemaw was actually breathing, Jasmine would’ve thought she’d already died.
The sickly paleness of her skin hadn’t changed after they hooked her up to the machines. Jasmine had sat there as she mumbled through her stories watching her chest for movement, but whatever breaths she took were so shallow that Jasmine couldn’t sense any movement.
Unfolding the paper with one hand hadn’t been too difficult, but Jasmine wanted to feel with both hands what her grandma had written. She let go of the chilled hand she’d been clutching, hoping to feel a squeeze to indicate there was some life left. Like her prayers that Meemaw would wake up and talk to her, that hope had gone unanswered.
Before she started deciphering Meemaw’s classic calligraphy, Jasmine ran her hand down the piece of paper, trying to feel the words. It would’ve looked bizarre to anyone watching, but there was a small sense of connection knowing Meemaw had put pen to the paper.
Taking a deep breath, Jasmine started reading.
My dearest Jasmine,
If you are reading this, it’s a safe bet the cancer finally kicked my ass. I held on and fought as long as I could, but I have to admit it’s been tiring. Chances are you’re a blubbering mess right now, but I know you’ll be back to your normal routine before too long. You don’t tend to take my advice, but please don’t cut John out.
Sweetheart, I know you, and I know you’ll try to deal with this on your own, but you need him now more than ever. It may have started with you buying him for me, but I can see it’s more than just you playing pretend. Don’t looked so shocked. You know I read all the gossip magazines, so it was only a matter of time before the story ran.
Jasmine stopped reading to look at her grandma. She almost expected the woman to be watching her. She had to wonder how long she’d known, because other than mentioning she’d seen the pictures from that night, Meemaw hadn’t let on she knew about the initial ruse.
I don’t care what brought you together. The note continued. You may be an amazing actress, but I’ve seen him trying to embellish on the ice, and he’s horrible at acting. The day I saw you two together, I knew he wasn’t pretending. That man will love you with his whole heart, and you deserve to loved, Pumpernickel.
I know I haven’t been the best role model when it comes to relationships. Let’s face it, I’m a complete train wreck. That doesn’t mean you should make the same mistakes I did. I had the love I know you can find with John, but it was taken from me and I was never able to find a replacement.
The past few days I’ve tried to come up with a way to tell you about Hank, but each time I think I’m going to be able to, the memories prove to be too much. That’s why I decided I needed to write down a condensed version, so someone would know that I really did find love once in my life.
I was just a girl when we met, only twenty. It’s funny remembering back to how different things were back then. I was working as a receptionist for an attorney. Try not to laugh too hard. If I had time, I’d explain my general disgust for the profession that you’re well aware of.
The snort that escaped Jasmine was anything but ladylike. Meemaw complained endlessly about lawyers, even ones in the TV shows she watched. It was hard to think about all the little stories Jasmine would miss learning.
She reached over and took ahold of Meemaw’s hand again. There was no change in the temperature or the lack of response to touch. Reading what she’d written, it made it feel like Meemaw was there smiling, but the touch made Jasmine remember that this was probably the last contact she’d have.
Hank walked in one day, and all it took was one look for me to be in love. I haven’t felt that same feeling in the sixty years since that day. It’s hard to describe exactly what love feels like. I think the feeling I remember most is fear. Fear that he wouldn’t feel the same way. Fear that I’d do something stupid to mess things up. Fear that something would come between us. There were so many things I was scared of.
Jasmine knew the feeling. Her freak out in the car was still fresh in her mind. She’d never cared about what other people thought of her or her actions, except maybe Meemaw, but all the negative comments about her and John eventually getting married scared her.
She also had the fear of how fast things were happening. Instant love, like some books and movies tried to make believable, wasn’t realistic. You couldn’t meet someone and instantly feel a connection to them that made you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Jasmine was realizing that wasn’t the case, but her brain fought her on it.
I’m sure you’re probably trying to figure out why you haven’t met this wonderful man. I wish you could have. John reminds me of him a little, which is probably why he’s my favorite plater. There’s something about his eyes that make me think of Hank.
Anyway, I was talking about why you never met him. The answer is simple. Less than three weeks after we met, Hank was in a horrible car accident. He was kept alive for two days in the hospital, but he never regained consciousness. My heart broke the day he died, and I was never able to fully repair that damage.
I already mentioned why I haven’t told you this story, I’ll be surprised if this paper isn’t covered in my tears, but I’m sure you’re wondering why I bring it up
now. Obviously I want you to learn from my mistakes. That’s not the only thing I want you to take away from this, though. I want you to let me go. I know it will hurt, but I’ll finally get to be with the only man I’ve ever loved.
Don’t cry for me, Jasmine. Laugh. Love. Live your life.
I’m not really sure how to end this. Just keep in mind that I’ll be watching over you, and if I find you aren’t doing those things, prepare to be haunted.
Love, always and forever,
Meemaw
The letter left Jasmine with so many questions. She flipped the piece of paper over, hoping to find more words, but other than her name, it was blank.
“I’ve pretended since you told me you were sick that I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. That somehow you’d get better, but I’ve been noticing the toll it’s taken on you to fight for a while.” Jasmine put the paper down so she could use her free hand to wipe the tears from her eyes. It didn’t help much, since new tears continued to fall. “I wish you would have told me sooner, maybe I would’ve been more prepared. Who am I kidding? No amount of time would’ve prepared me for this. I really don’t want to lose you, but you’ve fought hard enough. Go and be with Hank, Meemaw. Find the happily ever after you never could in life.”
As if it was right out of one of the movies Jasmine acted in, for a split second she thought she felt a small movement in her hand, not really a squeeze, but something. Jasmine looked at her hand to see if she could actually see movement, but a machine to the left of her started blaring the most obnoxiously loud noise she’d ever heard.
Jasmine didn’t bother looking at the machine. She knew it would only show a flat line. Her eyes focused on her grandma’s face, searching for a sign she was at peace.
She didn’t know what she was looking for. Meemaw didn’t look any different, but she had to believe after what she’d read that Meemaw was where she wanted to be.
Movement around her tried to gain her attention, but she couldn’t look away. The machine causing the noise in the room was apparently turned off, because a vacuum of silence descended upon Jasmine. She could feel the other person in the room didn’t leave, but they also didn’t move to check on the patient.
“You’re not even going to try to bring her back?” Jasmine asked. She knew there wasn’t a chance it’d work. It was just odd that the other person was standing there doing nothing.
“She has a do not resuscitate order. The paramedics didn’t know that, but as her one of the doctors who’s spent a lot of quality time with her over the last year, I’m well aware of her wishes. I’m sorry she’s gone Ms. Truedel, but she lived longer than we expected she would.”
Jasmine still didn’t bother to turn around to face the woman. She’d seen a few different doctors come and go, but her attention hadn’t been on them, so other than the confirmation that it was only a matter of time, Jasmine hadn’t spent time getting to know them.
“If you need some more time, that’s fine, but I would recommend you go down and talk to the group that has filled up a waiting room. One gentleman in particular has been a little hard to keep out there.”
“Tall, dark and handsome with eyes like a wolf?” Jasmine had no idea what group had assembled, but she assumed John was there. Ernesto was probably there too, because he had to have been the one with the letter. She’d seen him before she climbed into the ambulance, but hadn’t really registered what he was doing there.
“Otherwise known as John Klinger.”
“Do I want to know how you know my boyfriend’s name?”
John could’ve introduced himself if the doctor had decided to share news with him, but for some reason Jasmine read more into the way the doctor said his name. Part of the reason she loved spending time with John at his place was the fact it was difficult to run into his past flings there.
“Don’t worry. I’ve heard he has a very strict no doctors policy, although it seems like any of his previous policies don’t matter anymore. Plus, I’m happily married. I just have a friend in common with him, so we’ve crossed paths a few times.”
“A friend, or a patient?” Jasmine suddenly had a feeling she knew which doctor was in the room with her, even though she’d never met her.
“She started out as a patient, but I like to think we’re more than just doctor and patient. I know you were a little preoccupied earlier, but I’m Dr. Hayes.”
“I can’t say I’m feeling totally behind the sentiment that’s it’s nice to meet you given the situation, but I believe I need to say thank you. Casey told me you matched her up with my grandma since she refused to tell anyone else about the cancer.”
Jasmine took a deep breath and looked away from Meemaw to the other woman in the room. She recognized the kind green eyes staring at her.
“Iris reminded me a lot of Casey, so I thought they’d hit it off. I don’t know what went on between them, but I got the sense that your grandmother felt a little better having someone to talk to who wasn’t a doctor.”
“Yeah, I bet she did. I just really wish I could’ve been that person for her. I mean, I don’t actually know what kind of cancer she had and whether I should be worried I’m going to eventually go through the same thing.” Jasmine had been too devoted to spending time with Meemaw to just be there with her that she hadn’t asked important questions.
“And that isn’t something you need to worry about today. Right now, I really think you should go be with your friends. I’ve been down there with them a few times and there are a lot of worried people waiting to help you through this.” Dr. Hayes closed the small gap between them and put her hand on top of Jasmine’s hand still clutching Meemaw’s.
Jasmine wasn’t sure what she meant by the ‘a lot,’ but Jasmine wanted to feel John’s arms around her. She needed to apologize for what she’d said in the car and do whatever she could to erase any doubts she may have put in his head about them.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. She never talked about her death other than saying she wanted to be cremated.”
“According to her, she had everything in order long before she found out she was sick. I believe your mother is aware of the details and is already handling things.”
“My mother? I haven’t even called to tell her. Oh god, I should have called her the second I knew something was wrong.” Her mother was on the other side of the country as far as Jasmine knew, so she wouldn’t have been able to make it in time to say goodbye, but Jasmine should have seen if she could get her on speaker phone or something.
“You were busy being where you needed to be. Her number is one of the emergency contacts so I called and let her know the situation. She didn’t seem surprised. Evidently Iris called her yesterday to tell her to cancel some big party this weekend and the details of her final arrangements.”
“I still should probably call her and let her know it’s official. I think I’ll go do that and see if there’s anything I need to do.”
There had to be something that needed done. Even if Meemaw managed to set everything up, someone had to alert parties involved that they were needed.
“Okay,” Dr. Hayes said and stepped back out of the way.
Jasmine still didn’t want to leave, but she had to remember she’d been commanded to live her life, and she couldn’t very well do that sitting around in a hospital room. When she stood up, she thought about kissing Meemaw’s forehead, but the body in front of her wasn’t really Meemaw anymore. Her grandma was off probably flirting with Hank and wouldn’t feel a thing.
Leaving wasn’t easy, but she put one foot in front of the other and made it out of the room. She didn’t have a clue which direction to go to find John, so she looked over her shoulder before the door shut to see if she could get some direction.
“To your left. Go through the big double doors and I’m pretty sure you’ll know where to go.”
Jasmine should have just taken a good look in both directions. When she looked to the left, she saw the doors and even wit
h about thirty feet between her and them, she saw John pacing on the other side of them. She stood there for a second watching him. It didn’t take him long to look her way.
As soon as he saw her, he walked to the doors and put his hand up against the barrier. How Jasmine got to Meemaw’s room was part of a haze that descended once she made it to the hospital. She assumed since he wasn’t coming through the doors, they didn’t just open for anyone.
She didn’t run to get to him, but she didn’t dawdle either. It took her maybe thirty seconds to reach the doors and when she got close enough, they opened up and John was there with his arms wide open, just waiting for her to fall in to them.
“I’m so sorry, Princess.”
Jasmine didn’t have to say anything. John was one of the few people who’d seen her cry, which meant he was one of the few who would know she wasn’t just up taking a bathroom break.
“She’s not in pain anymore. I have to keep thinking that right now because otherwise it’s just too much.”
“I know. Do you need to stick around, or can we let the others know and head home?”
“What others are we talking about? The doctor I was just talking to made it sound like there was a party going on.”
Rather than answer, John picked Jasmine up and started walking away from the intensive care unit. Jasmine tried to take deep breaths and slow her tears down, but she had no control over the waterworks. She was able to hear some whispers as they walked, but all of a sudden they stopped.
“What can we do?” Doug said.
The voice caught Jasmine off guard, so she turned her head as much as she could to try to see the owner. Not only was Doug there, but probably half of John’s teammates and their wives had joined him and Ernesto in waiting for her. The only person Jasmine didn’t see that stood out was Lizzie, but she also didn’t see any of the kids around, so she assumed she was at home watching them.
“I don’t know. I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do.” The only thing on her list was to call her mom, and she was pretty sure she couldn’t pass that task to someone else.