by Sara Hess
“Carrie!”
My hands scrambled around, for what I didn’t know. My right hand brushed over something and I automatically grabbed it.
“Carrie, wake up. Dammit! I thought she was going to be alright. She’s having trouble breathing again.”
I felt like I was dying; I couldn’t draw any breath into my lungs. I stabbed downward.
I felt a sting to my cheek. My eyes flew open. “Noooo.” I gasped out. The pain was supposed to stop after the stab.
“Carrie, you need to breath.”
Nic’s features came into focus suddenly. I gasped for breath and blinked in confusion. The dream was over. My gaze flittered around the room trying to orientate myself and my gaze collided with a set of concerned blue eyes. The features merged into…Seth. Seeing movement at my feet I looked and there was another person. He was staring at me in alarm. I frowned. I knew him...the name was slow to come though. Another of Nic’s roommates…right, Evan. I continued the circle back to Nic who was kneeling down by my side. Why were they all staring at me?
“Just breathe, okay. You passed out almost twenty minutes ago because you stopped breathing. You seem to be having another episode in your sleep and were having a hard time breathing again.”
“Not an episode, just a dream.” I croaked automatically. No, not a dream, a nightmare.
Speaking seemed to clear my head of some of the fuzzies, and I closed my eyes in horror. A girl―that didn’t seem to be here anymore―had recognized me and blurted out my past. She’d appeared to have taken a lot of delight in the fact too; telling everyone that I’d killed my father, and that I’d been institutionalized because of it. This was the second time in a month that someone had recognized me, and I’d gone such a long time before that with no recognition.
This was also the second episode I’d had in one night, and not a minor one, but one of my severe episodes. I hadn’t passed out in years. Maybe I needed to go back to the hospital.
I clenched and unclenched my hands trying with all my might to stop the heavy weight of depression from enveloping me. Curling to the side to hide my face I felt a warm, wet tear break through my tightly clenched eyelids. “No,” I whispered wretchedly to myself. ‘Don’t break down further, don’t break down further’.
“Honey, please don’t cry.” Nic picked me up off the couch as if I weighed nothing and gathered me into his arms and lap again. “Guys, can you leave us alone.”
I held myself stiff in his arms keeping my eyes closed, but I heard feet shuffle out of the room.
“What Seth?” Nic rumbled.
Seth’s voice came from further away, maybe from the entrance to the living room. “Uhm, if you need anything just call.” His footsteps faded away.
Nic was going to ask me about it. God! I did not want to talk about it, and I never wanted to talk about it with him. A sob escaped from my throat.
Nic shushed and hugged me. “There is nothing to be upset about. That girl was a bitch, just forget about her.”
I sobbed a laugh. “Even if what she said is true?” I asked, unable to stop the words.
Knowing someone had killed their own father wasn’t something you could just ignore. It was pretty out there in your face. Coldness was settling into my bones and I began shivering.
Nic’s rubbing halted minutely before resuming. “Carrie, no matter what you tell me it won’t change my feelings for you.”
“You paused there for a second.” I said desolately. “You’re already feeling different.”
I made an attempt to get away from him, but either I was too weak at the moment or he was just too strong. “No, don’t run away. The reason I paused is because I’m sad and pissed for whatever you’ve had to endure.”
My insides clenched at his words. I wanted to believe him so bad, but person after person had turned their backs on me when they found out. They didn’t even wait to hear the whole story, not that I wanted to tell them the whole story.
My mother new the whole story and she couldn’t stand the sight of me.
“But you know what; I don’t want you worrying about any of that right now. It’s two o’clock in the morning and you’ve had a rough night. You need sleep. I can take you back to the shelter, or…” Nic leaned back to look me in the face. His expression was earnest. “…you can stay here. Sleep in my bed like last time. I really can’t stand to think of you being alone right now. I about had a heart attack when you blacked out on me, and not to put too much pressure on you but I won’t be able to get any sleep if I can’t make sure you’re safe tonight.”
Nic was so right about being tired, I was actually exhausted. I felt like I could sleep forever; just drift away and never wake up. The desire to be alone with my misery and bawl my heart out was strong, but I felt my time with Nic nearing its inevitable conclusion. It really had been only a matter of time; him finding out about my past and wanting to get as far as possible from me. Before he left my life for good I wanted, no, I needed as much time with him as I could get.
He had been the only warm light in my life for so long and I didn’t want to let him go.
Another tear rolled down my cheek but I was able to swallow the rest of them down. Nic’s hand came up and wiped it away. His hand was so warm against my cold skin. Sometimes I felt like I was cold all the time, but he always made the coldness disappear.
“’I’ll stay.” I said feeling drained; drained of everything. I shivered again.
Nic hugged me back into his body and I soaked in his heat. “Thank you.” He whispered in my ear.
‘No, thank you,’ I thought, ‘for just a little bit more time with you.’
Nic stood up with me in his arms and my arms rose up to grip his shoulders instinctively because I was so high in the air. “What are you doing?” I yelped nervously.
“I’m carrying you upstairs. It’s another component to making me feel better.” He strode toward the stairs and rushed up them quickly. I held on tightly with an instinctive fear of falling, but he never faltered.
Reaching the top he went to his bedroom door and stooped to twist the handle. His strength and dexterity was remarkable. It only made me feel more safe and secure. The sound of a door opening down the hall caught both of our attention. I turned my face into Nic’s chest in embarrassment. I’d made such a fool of myself in front of his roommates.
“Everything okay?”
I recognized Seth’s deep grumble.
“Yeah,” Nic answered. “Carrie’s spending the night. It’s late and she needs to get some sleep.”
There was a pause in the conversation but we continued to stand there and I wondered what was going on.
“Seriously man; what do you think of me?” Nic said crossly.
I tensed at the anger and looked up anxiously. Nic’s expression was rigid in anger. I glanced down the hall toward Seth. The look on his face as he stood in his doorway was stony. His gaze shifted down to me and it softened.
“You okay, Carrie?” He mumbled.
My face was hot with awkwardness. “Yes,” I answered hoarsely. “Sorry for all the drama tonight.”
He gave me a sweet crooked smile displaying that dimple. “Life would be boring as shit without a little drama. I don’t blame you anyway; it was that bitch, Nikki. And don’t you be worrying about her or what she said. We’ll all make sure she keeps her mouth shut so it won’t be going any further than this house.”
Seth’s voice had gone hard at Nikki’s name, but the rest of his words were spoken with warm sincerity. More tears filled my eyes at his thoughtfulness. Even though he’d heard what I’d done he wasn’t treating me as some sort of killer. I wonder if he believed it, or if he thought the girl had been lying. All he would have to do is go online to find out. Would he act different then?
Sorrow was sharp at the thought of losing his kindness. “Thank you,” I choked out. Maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about my name being bandied around campus as the UVA psycho killer.
A crevasse of a f
rown made its mark between Seth’s brows, and I thought his eyes looked sad. What was he sad about? Not many people were sad for me, they were usually sad for my deceased father.
“Get a good night sleep.” Seth stated firmly. His tone almost made me smile. It was like he was telling me to do it or else. His gaze moved up to Nic and he nodded as if it meant something significant. Turning he went back into his room.
Nic shook his own head with a sigh as he walked into his bedroom. He closed the door behind us and strode over to the bed setting me down. He stayed down in a squat at eye level with me. His beautiful dark green eyes stared into mine and his blonde curls fell haphazardly around his head. I wanted to reach out and run my fingers through his hair like he did with mine, but I didn’t have the nerve to.
“I want you to be comfortable. I’m going to give you one of my shirts to wear and pair of boxers. You can go into the bathroom to change and wash your face. There’s an extra toothbrush in the drawer just for you.” A smile twisted his mouth. “I bought it for you in case you fell asleep here again.”
My heart warmed at his consideration even as a blush heated my cheeks at the possible implication of the words.
He raised my hands to his lips. “You’re hands are freezing. Do you want to take a hot shower?”
I shook my head wearily. “I’m too tired.”
He leaped up and went to his dresser. Rummaging through the drawers he pulled out a huge t-shirt and a pair of boxers.
“I’d give you some sweats but they would swim on you. Once you get under the covers you’ll warm up though.”
He scooped me up again like I weighed nothing. “I’m not that tired.” I protested, even though being in his arms felt great.
Stepping into the bathroom he deposited me on the toilet seat and gave me quick peck on the nose. “I told you, it makes me feel better.” With what looked like a wistful look in my direction he walked out and closed the door.
For a minute I just sat there in an exhausted daze. I was finally alone, but I seemed to be too tired to cry. Despair hung heavy over me though. Pushing myself up I stood in front of the mirror. My hair was all over the place and the exhaustion I was feeling was definitely showing on my face. There was nothing to hold my hair back in Nic’s bathroom so I wrapped it up in a towel so I could wash my face. Finding the toothbrush I loaded it with toothpaste and brushed till my gums tingled. I stuck the toothbrush back in the package when I was done.
I attacked my hair with Nic’s brush. It wasn’t as snarly as it looked and only took a few minutes to tame. Striping down to my sports bra and panties I pulled on Nic’s t-shirt and boxers. The shirt reached my knees and the boxers fell around my ankles. They were too big. I stepped out of them. The shirt was large enough and covered what they would have anyway.
My bladder was protesting its fullness and I knew I couldn’t ignore it. I emptied myself while the water in the sink was running to cover up the sound. I flushed the toilet mortified that he might hear me relieving myself. I knew it was a natural body function, but it was just all too embarrassing.
Standing at the bathroom door I took a nervous breath and pulled the door open stepping into the bedroom. Nic was sitting on the bed in a white t-shirt and long blue cotton shorts. Clutching my clothes in front of me my body trembled with nerves and cold. I held out the boxers awkwardly.
“These were too big.” I stammered.
Nic’s hooded gaze looked down at the area of my body the shorts would have covered. I was extremely conscious of my bare legs and feet. His gaze seemed to burn into me where the shorts should be. I gulped and squirmed at the sensation. Nic’s eyes snapped back up to my face. He stood and held out his hand. I wasn’t sure if it was for the shorts or for me. I gave him the shorts.
“Go ahead and get into the bed, you look cold.” Nic said gruffly. “I’m going to do a quick wash up and be right back.” He made his way into the bathroom and when I stepped aside letting him pass I couldn’t help noticing that the material of his shorts tented around his groin area. I quickly averted my eyes and flushed. My anxiety increased.
Making my way over to the bed I placed my clothes on the desk chair and my shoes on the floor. Climbing into the bed I burrowed under the covers trying to get warm. A couple minutes later I heard a stream of water that definitely wasn’t from the sink. I couldn’t help the small grin; someone didn’t care about people hearing them.
Nic stepped out ten seconds later and I was snuggled down in the pillow with my eyes closed. There came the sound of him moving about the room and then the click of a light switch. Even with my eyes closed I could see the light go out. My eyes flew open now that he couldn’t see me and since my eyes had been closed my night vision was functional. I saw his figure move toward the bed.
I guess subconsciously I’d known that he would be sleeping in the bed with me, but seeing him climb in was daunting. He still wore the shirt and shorts so some of my anxiety eased.
We faced each other in the dark, but it was too dark to see facial expressions. I found this ideal at the moment because my face had to be communicating my nervousness.
“Try to go to sleep, okay.” Nic whispered next to me.
“Okay.” I said. My body was tight and trembling with stress and cold. I’d slept with Nic before but I’d fallen asleep accidently then. Now, too many things were going through mind and even though I was exhausted I couldn’t relax, or get warm.
“Carrie, would it bother you if I held you? You’re trembling is almost shaking the bed and I think my body heat would warm you up fast. If that would make you too uncomfortable I could get you some more blankets instead.” Nic offered quietly next to me.
The thought of Nic’s warmth surrounding me sounded like heaven, but I wasn’t sure if it would help me relax any.
“Hold me.” I implored anyway.
Nic shifted closer to me. “Turn around so your back is to my chest.”
I did as he instructed. Nic scooted closer and aligned his whole body to my backside, even curling his legs with mine. The hairs on his legs tickled. It was very intimate and I could feel the hardness of his member pushing into my butt. That alone made my entire body flush with heat, but it didn’t ease my trembling. I tried to ignore it and instead focused on the heat emanating off him. His one arm coiled around my waist with his hand settling over my stomach. The palm of his hand was like a heating pad.
Eventually, his heat and stillness warmed and calmed me respectively. I could feel his breath stirring the hair on the back of my head. That was warm too.
“God, I’m usually so cold all the time. I can’t remember the last time I felt this warm.” I said in drowsy delight.
Nic’s hand clenched on my stomach, and I snuggled backward into his body heat more. I felt his penis twitch and Nic gasped out a warm puff of air against my hair. I was too tired to be alarmed. It actually felt good, everything about him felt good.
“You feel so good.” I laid my arm over his and entangled our legs more wanting every part of me to touch every part of him. I wanted to keep him so bad, but…I pushed the awful thoughts away. I was feeling too good to ruin this moment with thoughts of tomorrow.
Nic groaned faintly tightening his arm and pressing into my back and butt. Tingles erupted in my groin and spread dispelling some of my sleepiness. I moaned at the sensation and wiggled my bottom so I could feel it again. Nic’s hand shot down to my pubic mound and pressed firmly. The feel of his hand there and his penis at my back made a strong electric current zip back and forth, front to back, and up to my breasts. An ache for something overcame me, and I gasped at the force of it.
“Carrie, you have to hold still, baby. Please.” Nic pleaded with a groan.
Half asleep I frowned at why he would want me to do that. “But it feels so good.” I groused, with another wiggle. I was rewarded with another firm twitch behind me and Nic’s hand pressed harder on my mound. One of his fingers was close to a really sensitive part of my sex. I panted and instead
of wiggling back my hips jolted forward at the ache there that needed attention. The spot received only a small touch but it was enough to make me moan at the nice feelings. I had no control over the next jerk forward.
The finger slid over the spot a little harder this time. My sex clenched and pleasurable tingles rushed up my spine. Both Nic and I moaned.
“Do you feel that too?” I gasped in awe. “It feels amazing.”
Nic’s face burrowed into the hair at the back of my neck. “Carrie, you have to stop. I can’t take much more.” He groaned and held himself stiffly behind me.
I stilled. “It doesn’t feel good to you?” I asked in drowsy confusion.
“Oh god, baby. It feels awesome, but you’re half asleep and don’t know what you’re doing. I would totally hate myself in the morning if we went any further, and I don’t want you to regret what could happen.” He huffed behind me.
I frowned. “You would feel bad if we went further?”
“You’ve had a rough night and you’re half asleep. This is not the time to be exploring each other.” Nic replied gruffly.
Some of what he was saying was making sense. “Well, I definitely don’t want you hating yourself. I don’t know if I would have regretted anything though.” I said grumpily.
Nic chuckled, but it sounded forced. “Baby, if you want to do this another time I’m all for it. Let’s just go to sleep right now though.”
“You’re going to have to take your hand away from…where it is if you want me to go to sleep.” I griped.
Nic chuckled again but a groan was attached to it. He moved his hand back up to my belly. “Now stop wiggling and go to sleep.”
I settled but something was niggling at my brain stopping me from slipping into sleep. Then I hit me and I huffed out a small tired laugh.
“What was that for?” Nic whispered.
“You called me baby.” I said with another huff.
There was a small pause but then Nic chuckled. “You’re a dork. Go to sleep.”