The Trouble with Love

by Max Hudson

  “It sounded great!” Kim cried out. “You should write it down. Give it words and then record it and be a big star!”

  The group chuckled, and Kim beamed as if that were the exact reaction she had been going for, never betraying the deep sincerity she’d intended. Tony gave her a little nod of thanks and then caught Marcia smirking at him.

  “What?” he whispered.

  “Nothing.”

  “You’re the worst.”

  She barely held in a small laugh. “Just nice to see that you and your girlfriend Kim have plans for the future.”

  Tony scoffed. “You’re just jealous because what Kim and I have is special.”

  “What?”

  He looked up and realized that Kim had heard him say her name and was now smiling at him, hoping to join the conversation. He tried not to panic. “Oh, nothing. Just something about my friend. Tim. Tim is my friend.” He cleared his throat and refocused in on the lesson as it ended.

  After class, Tony wandered out into the store and looked at the cork board advertising voice lessons, bands in need of musicians, job openings at sound studios. He took his time, hoping Samuel might come out and talk with him. He saw a form approach him and turned to say hi, but realized too late that the person was Kim.

  “So,” she said, walking up to him with big, hopeful eyes, “is it beer time? We could invite your friend Tim.”

  “Oh. You know, I wasn’t planning on it. Last time was kind of a spur of the moment thing. We can check with Marcia and Hal, see if they’re going out.”

  “Great!” Kim spun around to check for the rest of their little crew but found no one. “Oh no. I guess they left.”

  “Yeah. They probably have cool married people to hang out with,” Tony joked, then regretted it. He’d forgotten about Kim's divorce. She pulled a face and looked at him.

  “What was that?”

  “Oh, Kim, I’m so sorry. I forgot. I didn’t mean anything by it. Hey, let’s you and mego out for some late night food. I don’t know about you but I’m starv—”

  “No thanks.” Just as it had the last time, Kim’s energy changed and she walked away without warning. Tony rubbed his face and wished he could wipe the whole conversation from his memory. What was wrong with him?

  His phone buzzed and he dove for the black rectangle in his pocket, praying for good news. It was Samuel.

  Sorry to disappear, I had to get home. Thanks again for the observation. I’m so glad I can do this program again.

  No problem, he wrote back. Hey, do you think Bob became a big celebrity and that’s why he’s not in class anymore?

  Samuel sent a laughing emoji. No way. There’s no band advanced enough for him.

  Tony laughed out loud at the comment, then thought for a moment. After he thought about it, he wrote, Hey, you doing anything right now?

  There was a long pause before he answered, and his answer made all of Tony’s hopes crumble.

  Tony, it read, we can’t spend time together outside of school. It’s against all the rules. I would love to, but we just can’t. I hope you understand.

  The two rejections in a row were more than Tony could manage and he walked out of the shop, not looking back or saying goodbye to anyone else.

  Back at his house, Tony felt a deep and heavy exhaustion take over his whole body. He hadn’t even realized how tired he was until he got inside. He blinked his eyes and marveled at just how heavy his eyelids were. Time to get to bed.

  He stripped off his clothes until he was naked in his bedroom. He caught his reflection in his full-length mirror and paused a moment, happy to see that his strict gym routine was keeping his back and shoulders looking good. His waist still had a little pudge around it, but he was working on it.

  He collapsed into bed and stared up at the ceiling. There was nothing there, but its blankness always relaxed him. He let the weight of sleep and the softness of his bed carry him off to unconsciousness little by little until he was immersed.

  He was in a restaurant, a fancy one. There were knives and forks all over the table, but no food. Samuel sat on the other side, smiling at him. Tony felt his heart hammer in his chest at the sight of his crush and reached for him, but he scratched his arm on the many forks spread out across the table. Samuel laughed a little.

  “Try again. I’m right here.”

  Tony moved for him again, and then a third time, but each attempt was a failure marked by pain and laughter. Samuel didn’t seem able to help himself. His chortles got louder and bigger until he was laughing. His mouth opened further and further so that Tony could see a swollen tonsil, cracked teeth, and a wet, red tongue.

  He dove across the table, shredding the skin of his torso and his stomach in his efforts to reach Samuel. For just a split second, he touched the man’s face, and all of the pain and blood went away. That single touch seemed to erase everything around them. Samuel stopped laughing and Tony could not speak. They stared at each other in silence, unable to look away.

  Darkness fell over the restaurant and Tony found himself alone in an empty, abandoned setting. Empty tables and overturned chairs were all around him. Broken lights swung above him and a cold breeze came in from the broken windows.

  “Samuel? Samuel? Are you here?”

  There was no answer. He stared at the chair where his love had been and saw only empty space. In his misery, he rolled off the table and then fell off the edge and through the air. He screamed, but there was no one around to hear him as he plummeted to a floor that he never quite reached.

  Tony woke up with a slam as if something had just dropped him into his bed. His heart pounded in his chest the same way it had in his dream and he put his hand to his clavicle and reminded himself to breathe. In. Out. Deep breaths.

  It took a little while, but eventually he relaxed. He checked his clock and saw that it was only four a.m., far too early to get out of bed. Then he noticed something else - he had a rock-hard erection.

  He pulled his sheets and blankets off and reached down with his right hand to feel his sturdy, stiff cock. He closed his eyes again as he worked it up and down. It felt wonderful to stimulate himself and just enjoy it.

  Behind his eyes, he saw Samuel’s face and his real-life smile, the kind and concerned one, and he moved his hand up and down even faster. In his mind, the two of them were together there in his bed, naked and kissing each other hard and fast. He imagined grabbing Samuel’s butt cheek in his hand and squeezing it hard, then working his way up to his torso, feeling the man’s flat stomach and then his chest.

  Tony groaned as his hand worked faster and harder on his stiff and swollen cock. He could feel his orgasm coming and used the anticipation to imagine Samuel on top of him, sliding his own cock inside of him with big, strong thrusts that would make his head spin.

  “Oh, oh!” he cried just as he was about to climax. Just as he ejaculated, he called out the name, “Samuel!” and then felt all his sperm shoot out of him in a quick, hot burst. He collapsed against his bed and let his eyes close again, admonishing himself for even thinking about the guy.

  “It’s not going to happen,” he thought. “The guy said so himself. Just let it go.” He fell back asleep, but it was a fitful one. Dreams of Samuel teased the corners of his mind and he found himself wandering into them, only to fall into the abyss repeatedly.

  Chapter Eight

  Tony woke up later that morning and was hit by the smell of his own body. Time for a shower. He was sweaty and disoriented from all that dreaming, so he rolled out of bed and walked nude down the hallway and into the bathroom.

  He loved this little bathroom. A friend had helped him decorate it and she had gone all out. The walls were a deep, shiny emerald green with a fish scale pattern inspired by a mermaid’s tail. There was a large, flat sea anemone cut from plywood whose odd, wiggly appendages held the toilet paper rolls and the towels. The main mirror on the wall was an ornate, gold-framed one he had found at an antique market and it gave a great finishing to
uch to the fantasy theme in the room.

  His bathtub was also a great find. It was a clawfoot tub with little lion feet holding up the whole thing and an old-fashioned shower head that stood up just outside of it so the head could angle down on the person inside. A sculpture of cut white, PVC pipes stacked on top of one another like bubbles stacked floor to ceiling formed a wall to separate the tub from the rest of the bathroom.

  The woman who had helped him with all of this had been a receptionist at the school for a while and Tony had liked her. Sheila was her name. He wondered how she was doing now and decided to give her a call. He remembered she’d gotten married and her husband received a job offer in another state. She’d been sad to go - she was about to start a little decorating business with a friend in Wisconsin, but it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe she was a decorator now.

  He got in the shower and turned the little crystal knobs to get the scalding hot temperature he preferred. Steam rose all around him as he gave his legs a rough scrub then moved on to his arms and chest. He rinsed and then started again, this time focusing on his cock and balls and then back to his butt. He rinsed off and felt much better with the sweat and stress of the night removed from his body.

  Once he was clean, he toweled off and strolled over to where his phone was charging. He had a message from Marcia.

  Brunch with us and some friends? I want to introduce you to someone.

  He frowned at the message and asked what time they would be meeting. She told him not to stress, they would all be late anyway, so he accepted and then got dressed.

  He put a reminder in his phone - Call Sheila - then confirmed he still had her number. Yes. Perfect. He would catch up with her after brunch was over.

  He walked out of his house feeling hopeful. Maybe a nice guy who had no association with his school would sit with them and then he could forget about Samuel. Maybe Samuel would see them out having coffee one day and get jealous and regret not going out with him when he had his moment. One could only hope.

  The cafe where they were all meeting was a lovely, open one with lots of little plants and old, brass lamps hanging from the ceiling. He saw Marcia sitting by herself and walked up to give her a hug.

  “Hey, thanks for the invite. Looks like we’re first?”

  “Yes.” She sighed. “This always happens. I try to tell everyone we have to get here on time or we lose the reservation, they all insist they’ll be here and then, well, you can see for yourself that promises are meant to be broken.”

  “That’s okay. Now I get you to myself for a moment.”

  “Oh, yes. Let me tell you what’s up with me.” Marcia started in on a long story about her work. She designed different sound systems and dealing with some very uninspired clients. Tony listened as she described the emotionless man who was setting up a new studio.

  “He just sits there like a corpse talking about how passionate he is about finding new artists. I’m not joking - his face never moves!” She sat perfectly still to demonstrate, her placid expression not changing as she quoted him.

  “I’m going to change the way people listen to music. It’s time for a revolution.” She broke character as Tony laughed. “It’s so weird. I’ve tried to just make small talk with him, but it’s too creepy.” She checked her phone and sighed. Everyone was still taking their time. Tony glanced behind her shoulder and saw a group headed their way.

  Hal led the way with an apologetic face. “Sorry we’re late,” he said, hugging his wife for a long moment. “I went to pick up Jonah and he had a few things he had to take care of. Then everyone else found out I was running late so they all took their time.”

  “You’re awful,” Marcia informed him with an arched eyebrow. He sat next to her and kissed her cheek.

  “I really am. So sorry. Oh, Tony,” he said, changing tones. “I want you to meet our friend Jonah. He’s a teacher at Skyview. Jonah, this is Tony. He teaches history at, which school was it?”

  “Howard Taft Middle,” he responded while reaching for Jonah’s hand. Jonah looked flushed and Tony tried to reassure him by offering a chair on his other side and the man took it but sat with his shoulders up and his eyes looking down, not talking to anyone in the group.

  Brunch got under way, but Tony had a hard time relaxing. Jonah was clearly uninterested in him and, though Tony tried to talk to him, the man was stone quiet. Despite their lack of chemistry, Marcia kept winking over at him until he had finally had enough.

  “Something in your eye, sweetheart? Lemon juice maybe?”

  She took the hint, though she did so with an eye roll and turning away from him. Tony tried to just get through his plate of eggs, but he felt like a jerk. Maybe if he made more of an effort with Jonah he could turn the situation around.

  “So,” he attempted, turning in his chair despite the discomfort, “what exactly do you teach over at Skyview?”

  Jonah kept eating. Tony waited as he reached for his cup of tea, took a sip, and then looked up to answer the question.

  “Math. I teach math.”

  Question answered, Jonah went back to his breakfast. Tony gave a polite smile and turned away as well. As if in answer to his prayers, a waitress walked by and he signaled her over another mimosa. His plan to cut himself off after two drinks had already left and gone. Tony accepted yet another refill without regret - so what if he was a little tipsy by the time the little get together was over? He had to enjoy himself somehow.

  He tipped his head back to gulp down his drink and as he lowered the glass he caught Marcia’s eye. She gestured with her head for him to step out with her and he excused himself.

  The two walked out front door as the rest of their group stayed engrossed in good conversation peppered with bacon and sips of coffee. For whatever reason, just the sight of the people at his table made Tony hunch up his shoulders and shove his hands in his pockets.

  “What is up with you?” Marcia asked as they stepped outside. “I’ve never seen you in such a foul mood.”

  “I guess…” He looked away for a moment, shook his head a little, then turned back to Marcia. “I guess I just get defensive when my straight friends set me up with someone just because he’s gay. I mean, this guy and I can’t even have a casual chat. What made you think he would be a good match for me?”

  She shrugged. “You’re both single teachers. I thought it was worth a shot. I guess he needs Hal nearby to help get his confidence up. When those two are together at the house, I can't get a moment’s peace.”

  Tony sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry, hon. It’s not your fault. The truth of the matter is I’m still hung up on that new principal at my school.”

  “Samuel?” Marcia asked, surprised. “I thought that wasn’t going anywhere.”

  “Neither did I, but, I don’t know, I feel like he wants to be with me. Like, it’s there, in the room in the air around us whenever we’re together. It’s like I can hear his subconscious calling out. It’s making me completely insane.”

  She pulled a face as she took him in, nerves and all. “Wow. Looks like it. But, honey,” she said, taking his hands in hers, “what can you do? He is a part of your administration! If the two of you get together, it will be a nightmare.”

  “I know,” Tony agreed, slumping down a little where he stood. “I know what you're saying is the truth and I can’t seem to move on.”

  She put her hands on either side of his face. “You will, sweetheart. You’re strong. You’ll get through this.”

  “Thanks, coach.”

  She laughed a little and poked him in the ribs. “Now come back in with me. I’ll switch places with you so that you don’t have to listen to all that silence.”

  They joined the group and Tony got to know a few acquaintances of Marcia’s, but he didn’t feel drawn to anyone for anything more than a chat. The conversation was nice; the mimosas were sweet and bubbly and Tony had no problem easing into the fray. By the time he stood up, his legs were weak from sitting and drinking for s
o long.

  He made it to his bed and collapsed, buzzed and content, full of the happiness that came with eating in a group. However, it didn’t last. His buzz and his contented smile fizzled as he thought, “I bet it would have been much more fun with Samuel.”

  He didn’t have any more dreams about his new boss, but he fantasized about him during the waking hours. Tony wasn’t sure if it was the forbidden nature of the relationship or the oddities Samuel exhibited every day, but he couldn’t seem to stop salivating for the man.

  The next week, Tony worked hard not to be attracted to his vice principal, but he found it an almost impossible task. Every time Samuel chuckled at a softball joke during a meeting, anytime he sat in a chair and put his hands on his legs, the way he adjusted his glasses, all of it made the fire inside Tony burn brighter and stronger than he’d ever imagined possible. The flame danced and twisted, but it never went out.

  One day, Samuel came up behind him and put a hand on Tony’s shoulder to say a simple “Excuse me.” The feel of that palm on his shoulder made a shock of electricity zap through Tony’s body and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and refused to go down during the rest of the day.

  He had to talk to him, had to hear his voice. “Maybe if I could just see him do something clumsy or hear him say something off-color, that would change my view of him,” he thought. His mind was full of images from the after-school program where the kids opened to Samuel on a deep level and thanked him for listening to them, a thank you which meant the world to their vice principal.

  Seeing all those emotional breakthroughs and heartfelt moments must have clouded Tony’s vision. Yes, that was the problem. The man spent all his time masquerading as a saint. Who wouldn’t love him?

  He saw Samuel walk into the teachers’ lounge and decided to follow. The man had to be a total bore during his break. No one ever said anything interesting in the lounge.

  Tony walked in just as the sound of energetic laughter erupted from the room. The only one not laughing was Samuel, meaning it was he who had just brought the house down. Samuel winked at Tony over his coffee mug and Tony’s heart twisted in agony.