by T Gephart
“You.” I gave him a weary half smile.
“You are such a liar.” Alex laughed, pulling me tighter against his naked chest.
Ok so technically NOW I was thinking about him as I pulled my leg up to his hip, looking at him underneath my lashes.
“You trying to distract me?” mused Alex as he ran his thumb down the bridge of my nose before resting it on my lips.
“Me?” I asked innocently, unable to hide my amusement.
“As much as my ego would love for you to be thinking about me 24/7, I know that it is highly unlikely, especially given your obsession with shoes. So. What were you thinking?” Alex gently tapped my temple as his sparkling eyes stared into mine.
I could see he wasn’t going to let this go, the truth is my mind was a jumble. Sometimes I was sure I had some undiagnosed condition like ADD. I had been replaying the events of the day as I always did, my internal audit of the hours gone by. It was both a comfort and a curse, there was no off button for my brain and I only slept when everything was sorted and compartmentalized. One thought I couldn’t explain was Alex’s reaction to the cupcakes.
I had initially wanted to ask him about it but then with the drive, our sordid romp in James and Hannah’s pool house and the party it had slipped from relevance. But there was something about his expression that I couldn’t let go. I knew he was holding back, almost like the day of his father’s funeral when he walked away from me, from us. I knew it was deeper than an issue with swirled frosting.
“What was with you and the cupcakes?” I blurted out, not realizing I’d actually vocalized my thoughts.
Alex looked at me, bewildered. “Is there any precursor to that random thought or am I supposed to fill in the blanks?”
“Earlier, when you came to my apartment and you saw the cupcakes,” I clarified, filling Alex in on my internal conversation, “you had a strange look on your face, sort of like the day you walked out on me.”
Alex swallowed, “Baby you know I didn’t want to leave you, I thought I had no choice. I thought you didn’t love me. I should never have walked out on you. I should have told you right there and then that I loved you. ”
“I know baby, we both made mistakes back then. I’m not mad, just seeing that look again earlier made me think that maybe you are having second thoughts?” I tried to keep my emotion in check but that look concerned me.
“You think I’m going to leave you?” Alex pulled away suddenly, his hands gripping my arms tightly. “Lexi, NO. I have no second thoughts. My only thoughts of that time are what an ass I was for pushing you away. I will never leave you again. The only way we won’t be together is if you walk out on me.” His gaze intensified as he spoke almost as if he was trying to convince me telepathically as well as orally.
“Then why the look?” I asked, not willing to let it go.
“I want children Lexi. Not now, but someday I want a family. I want to be a father.”
My blood froze, FUCK. Kids? Did I even want kids? I had been so convinced that I would never have children. It just wasn’t for me, I hadn’t even considered that it might be a possibility. My own childhood had been a freaking disaster, I did not want that for another human being. I did not want to repeat my Mother and Father’s mistakes. I had been so careful about never falling pregnant accidentally despite having an extremely active sex life.
“I... I... don’t know Alex. I don’t think... I would make a very good mother.” I stumbled through my words not knowing exactly what to say to him.
Alex’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You would make an outstanding Mother. You are strong, dedicated and determined. You are smart and beautiful and have the most amazing heart. Look at the gift you gave Hannah and James. The inscription, how can you think you wouldn’t be a good mother?”
“Because my family are fucking lunatics. It’s different for you. You grew up with a family who cared. To mine I was an inconvenience, an accident, a hindrance. I barely speak to them. They hate me and I’m not real fond of them either.” I felt the anger build inside of me. I couldn’t help it, thinking about those people brought out the worst in me.
“Lexi, I’m sure your family don’t hate you. How could they hate you?” Alex asked unable to comprehend how it was possible that a Mother and Father could feel that way about their own flesh and blood.
“They are Assholes, the lot of them Alex. Trust me, they are toxic and hateful. Everything I am today is in spite of them. The best thing I ever did was leave home. At least now I can tolerate them in small doses, but that is it. There is no place for them in my life.”
It felt good to finally tell Alex about my family, but I knew he wouldn’t understand. How could he? It was so far removed from what he had experienced, it was inconceivable that parents would reject a child.
“So your fear is that you would repeat their behaviour? That somehow it’s a genetic trait?” Alex struggled to come to grips with what I had told him.
I shrugged but I guess that was it, what if I was genetically predisposed for it? What if my maternal instinct didn’t kick in? You hear stories in the animal world where Mothers actually eat their young. My brother had two children and from all reports he was just as inattentive as my parents had been. What if I was hard-wired to hate him or her? How could I take a gamble like that and potentially fuck up lives? Alex would never forgive me, he would never get over the fact I was a terrible mother. He would be as perfect a father as his had been and as mine had not.
“You are not your parents. Put all that aside, the fact that you think you defective DNA. Do you want a family?” Alex paused for my response.
“The idea of it... yes. I love kids. Kate has four boys and I was there through most of their childhoods. I love the fact they are little people, with their own personalities, their own ideas.”
I did love kids. I had been the cool baby sitter to Kate’s foursome a bunch of times. I let them stay up a little later and taught them to play poker instead of Monopoly. They loved me and I loved them. But having your own was another story.
“Then it’s a possibility?” Alex looked hopeful.
“Alex, I don’t know. This is obviously important to you. I don’t want you to resent me if I can’t.” I couldn’t just lie to him, not about something this important.
“I told you, the only way we are breaking up is if you leave me. I want a family Lexi, I want children, but I want them with you. It’s not interchangeable. I can’t just find someone else and feel the same way. I promise I won’t pressure you but I want you to at least consider it. Think about it.” Alex ran his hand up my leg and brought it to rest on my hip. “It’s a long way off and think of all the fun we can have practicing.”
“Now who’s trying to distract whom?” I slid my hand down his chest, tracing the definition of his muscles.
“We’re both as bad as each other.” Alex’s grin widened.
“No, you are the bigger tease!” I panted.
“I beg to differ, I believe I still have your panties.”
Alex’s weight shifted so that he was now laying on top of me.
“And yet here you are, still talking,” I baited him further, the anxiety and tension of the earlier conversation no longer taking priority in my mind as my body sought a different kind of solace.
Alex’s lips twisted into his usual mischievous half grin as he slid further down the bed and licked the inner edge of my thigh.
“I have something better in mind for my mouth.”
A small moan escaped my lips. This was much better than talking.
~~~~~~
“Here is our itinerary, the keys and Matt’s details. He’ll be here a couple of weeks before we get back. I’ll have my phone on all the time except when we are in the air.”
I packed the last items into my hand luggage as Taylah sleepily yawned as she read the list in front of her.
“Relax, I got you covered.”
“Thanks Tay... I’ll be back in two months.” I threw my arms
around her as my door buzzer sounded.
“That will be one of the Men in Black. Better not keep them waiting, they have important things like Aliens and shit to handle rather than dealing with your tardy ass. ” Taylah smirked,
I couldn’t help but laugh at her nickname for Power Station’s security. She wasn’t far off the mark. They were constantly dressed in black, eyes shielded by dark sunglasses and they never smiled.
“I’ll email you from Rome. Say bye to Dave for me!” I grabbed my suitcases as I hurried out of my apartment.
DarNell was waiting in front of my apartment building in a black Escalade. Alex and the band were meeting me at the airport. I wanted to get there early and make sure any last details had been handled.
“Good Morning DarNell,” I chirped a little too enthusiastically as he helped me load my suitcases into the back of the car.
“Mornin’,” grunted DarNell.
I’m guessing he wasn’t a morning person. I had been up since 3 a.m. and was running high on adrenaline and caffeine. This was my first international press tour with the band and I was at the helm. I was wired and excited and had not been able to sleep. Knowing this, I had told Alex it would be better for him to spend the night at his own apartment. He’d protested, insisting that he would help me release my pent up energy but in the end I had won, pulling the “I’m the publicist, don’t argue with me” card.
I checked my watch. 6 a.m. Our flight wasn’t until ten but I knew there would be paparazzi and fans at the airport awaiting our departure and I expected check in would have its challenges.
The traffic was never light in New York, even at 6 a.m. The hustle and bustle of the city was at full force as taxis and cars jostled for position on the roads and the blaring of horns by impatient drivers peppered the morning air.
I settled into my seat and flicked through my iPad to check up on emails. There were a few from back home from Kate, Emma and Anna and for the first time in a long time I was actually a little homesick.
I missed my friends. Each one of them contributed something different to my life and while I loved my new life, I was slow in building new “female” friendships. I had Hannah and Taylah of course, both of which I adored and I saw my former colleague Sydney from time to time but other than that I was too busy to socialize. Hmmm I think I was going to have to rectify that on my return. Having Matt on board would at least allow me the luxury to attempt to have some free time.
DarNell pulled up to the curb-side drop off zone at JFK Airport as I slid my iPad back into my Michael Kors tote.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to park the car and accompany you in, Lexi?” DarNell turned, skeptical of my decision to have him drop me off. I was glad he had finally stopped calling me Ma’am and despite his steely disposition I think DarNell quietly had a soft spot for me.
“Just help me get my bags out of the back and I’ll see you when you return with the guys. Alex isn’t with me so the going rate of photos of me goes down.” I smiled as I unhooked my seat belt.
DarNell flicked his hazard lights on before stepping out of the Escalade and opening my door.
“I don’t know Lexi, this seems to go against my better judgement. There are some crazies out there. These fan girls who think if they bump you off they’ll have a chance with him. I’d feel more comfortable if you would let me at least get you through security.”
“DarNell, I’m a big girl and there is more security in this airport than at my apartment so I highly doubt that would be possible. Anyway, I’m not averse to bitch-slapping a slut or two. If they feel the need to take me on, I’ll be fine,” I assured him as he lifted my suitcases out of the car.
He shook his head, clearly disagreeing with me but smart enough not to argue as he placed the last of my luggage at my feet. A baggage service officer happily came over and helped me lift them onto a trolley, while I did my tenth check for my passport and tickets.
“I’ll be back in an hour. Be Alert.” DarNell warned as he hesitated at the driver’s side door.
“Thanks DarNell, I’ve got it from here” I waved back, handing the helpful curb side assistant a generous tip.
I watched the break lights disappear before I turned to go through the glass doors of the Airport. A couple of photographers snapped pictures of me as I entered, following me to the check in counter.
“Where’s Alex, Lexi?”
“Give us a smile Lexi.”
“Lexi, this way.”
“Lexi, are you and Alex moving in together?”
The two bottom feeders took turns in trying to garner my attention. I ignored them as I always did when I was not actively working. It was kind of ironic the relationship I had with them. I needed them and yet still needed to maintain control. I knew my relationship with Alex made me newsworthy however I had no desire to have my picture plastered all over People magazine. I was glad I’d taken my time this morning, at least I’d look half decent in these photos.
I handed over my tickets to the Airline representative who even at this time of the morning was immaculately presented and was wearing the largest smile I’d ever seen. Seriously, do they teach that “look” in some kind of class? It seemed like every Airline customer service representative had the same over enthusiastic smile. Either that or their hair had been pulled too tight which was always a possibility gauging by woman in front of me.
“Hello Ms Reed, early check in?”
“Yes, we have a group booking but I’d like to check my bags in now if I can.” I handed over my travel documents as I read her nametag - Mandy.
“Of course Ms Reed, I can check your bags through now. Your seating allocation has already been completed. You can go relax in our lounge with our other first class guests if you like until it’s time to board your flight.” Mandy quipped a little too cheery for my liking.
I guessed she’d probably seen the name attached to the booking and knew it was only a matter of time before James, Alex, Troy, Jason and Dan appeared. Either that or the fact I had my own troupe of traveling happy snappers following me had alerted her to the fact that I was more than mere “staff”.
I smiled politely before heading into the private lounge, content in the knowledge that the photographers only had a few more moments to capture their money shot before I disappeared from view.
A tall, athletic man stood by the entrance of the lounge. His well-cut suit only helped accentuate his spectacular physique. His hair had been buzzed to a zero so he had the mere suggestion of hair; his brown eyes constantly surveyed the surroundings. He may have been dressed well, but there was no denying he was the security, designed to keep the non-desirables away from the privileged beautiful and wealthy people.
“Ms Reed.” he greeted me, his relaxed smile lighting up his dark brown eyes.
Another time and place I would have definitely been attracted to him. I strained my memory bank to recall if I knew if him. He seemed to know me. Let’s face it, my post Alex break up days had seen me in bed with quite a few men of a similar description… all of which I never saw more than once. Was this one of my one-night stands?
He held open the door as I walked through, his smile widening as I stepped closer. Really? Who the fuck was he? I really needed a better mental filing system. My curiosity got the better of me as I stopped just inside of the doorway.
“Sorry, have we met?”
He closed the door behind me. “No, I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you.”
The look of familiarity did not leave his face, nor did his sexy smile. Was he flirting? I had been in relationship with Alex for months now and was a little rusty at reading the signs. I probably should have walked away and chalked it up to harmless flirting but there was something in his eyes that left me lingering, curious.
“Tyler.” He held out his hand taking my pause as an opportunity to introduce himself.
“Lexi.” I took his hand and shook it.
“I know who you are.” He bit his lip subtly as his ey
es flashed up and down my body.
“Oh you do, do you?” I questioned. I was never really good with waiting and I wanted to know what exactly Tyler was fishing for.
“You’re on my list.” Tyler leaned closer, the unmistakable scent of Hugo Boss cologne wafted through the air.
“The passenger manifest?” I asked.
“No, you are my free pass.” His tone was low, yet excited.
His free pass? I’m his fucking free pass? Isn’t the whole idea of the free pass for it to be a celebrity? A model, an actress, a singer?
“My girlfriend has a thing for Alex, I picked you. I think I’m getting the better deal.” The door was no longer getting any of Tyler’s attention.
“Ahem…” a throat clearing pulled our attention back to the entryway. “Well, Lexi. What a pleasant surprise!” slithered Marcy, a smug smile plastered across her face.
I struggled to suppress the urge to slap her fake, over inflated collagen lips. “Marcy, I wish I could say the same. However I have heard that Airports are teeming with parasites and germs so really not so shocking to see you here in your natural habitat.”
Tyler bit his lip as he tried not to laugh. I could tell he was hoping that we might get into an all in catfight, hopefully rip our clothes off in the process.
“What’s so funny?” Marcy boomed, clearly not amused.
“Sorry Ms Bryant.” Tyler coughed, walking back to his post at the door.
“As for you,” Marcy turned to me, her fake welcoming demeanour long forgotten. “He’ll tire of you like he does all other women. You are nothing special. Alex needs a woman who’s going to fit into his lifestyle, he will come to his senses and when he does I’ll be waiting for him.”
Marcy had shown her hand. I had suspected all along she would want Alex back. She had no idea what Alex and I had, what we were. She, like other people, had speculated that the fact I wasn’t from the same social circle would ultimately be our undoing. How little she knew him. It wasn’t about who I was but what I was that made him as attracted to me as I was to him.