by T Gephart
“Mmmmmm, that feels so good.” I closed my eyes as Alex applied the right amount of pressure as his fingers busily worked massaging my scalp.
“Stop that.” Alex grinned as he gently nipped my ear, “Or I won’t be held responsible for any actions that proceed it.”
“Is that a threat or a promise?” A wicked grin spread across my lips.
“We are in so much trouble!” Alex laughed.
~~~~~~~~
The drive to James and Hannah’s had been uneventful. As promised, I stopped and picked up the bits and pieces to make dinner. I opted for Mexican, getting what I needed to make Tacos and Fajitas. I knew it would be a crowd pleaser and wouldn’t have me relegated to the kitchen all night so I could get lots of Noah cuddles.
We were the first to arrive and I busily set to task in what was the most monotonous part of Mexican - the prep work. Hannah and I chatted as I chopped and diced the various ingredients, putting them in small bowls for later.
James and Alex took Noah into the living room, where they discussed what his position would be when he would finally be old enough to play Gridiron. It was fun watching these two “wild” men so relaxed in the company of a baby.
“So, James tells me you and Alex are going to Australia. Are your family mad that you got married without telling them?” Hannah quizzed as she crunched on a corn chip.
“Don’t really care,” I shrugged. “We’re not close. I haven’t really spoken to them about it other than just letting them know I got married.”
“Lexi, I can’t believe your parents don’t care. Sometimes people just have a hard time showing their emotions. I think it’s great that you are going there and introducing Alex to them. They are going to see how happy you are and it’s going to be fantastic.” Hannah piped enthusiastically.
I didn’t have the heart to try and correct her. For most families this was probably true, but she didn’t know my family and the depth of indifference that accompanied them. Not many people understood. There was only a small selection of my closest friends who knew what my family were like, even fewer had witnessed it first hand. I just didn’t want anything good being tainted by them but I also knew if I was going to move forward with Alex and have a real marriage then I was going to have to show him all of me, even the ugly parts.
“You have an older brother?” Hannah pursued, I could tell the conversation wasn’t easily going to be put to rest.
“Yes, Lachlan. We haven’t spoken in years. He’s a successful lawyer, married, two kids etcetera, etcetera. Not much to say, he’s my Mother and Father’s pride and joy,” I mused sarcastically.
“I never knew you had any nieces or nephews!” Hannah exclaimed excitedly, her beautiful eyes widening in surprise.
“I haven’t seen Will or Ava since they were little.” I tried to volunteer as little as possible, not wanting to relive old painful memories. I had been cut out of their lives just after Ava was born. Will was two and while I had little time for my brother and sister in law, I had doted on my charming nephew.
Lachlan Reed, the older brother I unfortunately shared DNA with, lived in the lofty suburb of Hawthorn. He wasn’t a particularly brilliant or smart man but incredibly driven and had gained his position in life with a lot of “right place, right time” luck. He met Melissa when they were both studying Law. Her family was influential and wealthy and he had seen their partnership as less of a relationship and more of a merger. Melissa’s family had seen Lachlan as a determined and promising “up and comer” so had welcomed their union.
On their wedding day, Melissa stopped practicing Law and morphed into the perfect Stepford Wife. Her dear Daddy kicked in a sizable start up fund for them to build their future. He even gave them an inner city apartment as a wedding gift, which Lachlan later turned over for a considerable profit when the arrival of Will deemed it too small.
Melissa was the perfect trophy wife. She knew her place and never challenged Lachlan and he in turn provided her with a lifestyle she was accustomed too. The fact that neither of them loved each other was a small and insignificant detail; what they had worked. When Lachlan made senior partner at the Law firm he was working in, he rewarded Melissa’s due diligence with a diamond tennis bracelet and hired a Nanny and housecleaner so that she would be free to attend his many required engagements. It also ensured she was able to have her “me-time” so she could take her tennis lessons and coffee catch-up with her debutant friends uninterrupted. To be honest I didn’t really understand why they even had kids, other than to meet some old-school predetermined expectation and a way for my brother to guarantee his legacy.
Lachlan climbed the corporate ladder and Melissa graced the social pages. My lifestyle and lack of direction was seen as a poor influence and an embarrassment to my family. So in a bid to build a perfect life for himself, my brother gave me an ultimatum - stop whoring around, get a real job, shut up and settle down or I wouldn’t get to see my niece and nephew anymore.
As hard as the choice was to make, I walked away. I hoped that one day I would get to explain to Will and Ava that I loved them but no one, not even my over-bearing, perfectionist asshole brother was going to make me feel bad for who I was and the life I was leading.
Alex had learned about my estrangement with my brother shortly after we had reunited. Because he had such a close and loving relationship with his brother Christian, he had questioned me about my lack of family connection. He had looked at me solemnly as I told him of my brother’s fucked up ideas of perfection and how I hadn’t fit the mold. He struggled to grasp how a brother could reject a younger sibling - an idea so foreign for him it was almost unbelievable, but I couldn’t really explain what I didn’t understand. My life was the only one I had known, rejection and disappointment was something I had grown to expect from my family.
Sensing the change in my mood, Hannah let it go. I knew she wanted to push further but I really didn’t want to talk about it and she knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t going to volunteer any further information.
Hannah jumped as a loud thumping noise came from the front door, followed by laughter.
“If they make my baby cry I’m going to kill them!” She threatened as she raced out of the kitchen in the direction of the ruckus. I followed closely, curiosity getting the better of me.
Dan, Jason and Troy, were laughing hysterically as we rounded the corner. “THAT was fucking priceless!” laughed Troy.
“If only we could be there when he notices!” giggled Dan.
“What the Hell?” Hannah asked angrily, looking to the boys for an explanation.
Alex smirked, “I’m not sure you want to hear this ladies, it will make you an accessory after the fact.”
“What have they done?” I hissed as my mind went wild with possible scenarios.
Noah stirred in James’ arms; his little whimpers growing louder as Hannah glared at Dan, Troy and Jason. Alex tired to stifle his smile as he saw Hannah’s anger growing.
She yanked on Dan’s arm. “What did you do? I need to know now!”
“Justice!” Dan laughed.
“Oh Dear God! Where is it?!” Even though Dan hadn’t said anything I knew exactly where this conversation was heading.
“Where’s what?” asked Troy innocently, shooting me a quick wink.
“Don’t play dumb with me. You realize what you did constitutes as petty larceny?!” I fired back.
“Easy Lex, there were no witnesses.” Jason smiled.
“What? What did they do??” Hannah flared wildly.
“You went and got that fucking Lawn Jockey! Didn’t you?” I glared at Dan. Alex wrapped his arms around my waist, amused I had pieced it all together.
“Ok, so we might have re-located it.” Troy volunteered.
“Listen, I couldn’t let that punk get away with that shit. It was a matter of honour. I couldn’t have the fucking Tipptons have the same lawn jockey as my Ma. Something had to be done!” Dan fired back defensively.
“So what did you do with it? Where is it now?” God help me, did I really want to know? How could grown men behave like freaking ten year olds?
“Ok...” Troy commenced, “So Dan has been going on and on about this for fucking days and Jase and I got sick of listening to his bitching so the three of us took a little road trip to Yonkers.”
Jason nodded proudly in agreement. “I was the wheelman, I borrowed my brother-in-law’s truck.”
“Troy and I hid in the back and we did a slow drive by just to make sure there was no one around,” Dan piped in.
“You cased their house?” Alex smirked, thoroughly enjoying the telling of the story.
“Well, we had to do this right. It was a very delicate operation.” Dan responded seriously.
“And, I only agreed to do this if we replaced it with a suitable substitute.” Troy cautioned.
“So when we were sure we were in the clear, we made a second pass. Troy and I jumped out of the back. He grabbed the lawn jockey while I put a massive pink flamingo its place.” Dan rubbed his hands together, showing his satisfaction.
“Ok, so where is it now?” I asked, looking around to see if they had it in tow.
“The Jersey Turnpike,” laughed Jason.
“You know you are massive Tools right?” I laughed, “You have number one albums, sell out stadium tours, have been on the cover of Rolling Stone three times and you just spent an evening kidnapping a fucking garden ornament and driving it to New Jersey.”
“Yep, living the dream!” grinned Dan as he high fived Troy.
I shook my head as they celebrated in their merriment. Alex’s smile flirted on his lips as he whispered in my ear, “And you probably though it was all sex and drugs.”
“Whatever my expectations of this band were, you have by far exceeded them, in every definition.” I laughed.
“Just so we’re on the same page Lex, if anyone asks... we’re saying no comment.” Dan nodded as he wrapped his arms around me in a massive hug.
“Dan, you really are something!” I smirked.
“Now you’re talking!” Dan winked.
“Unhand my wife, Dan!” Alex’s lips twisted into his amazing half grin.
“You’re lucky Lexi met you first, or you wouldn’t have stood a chance Stone!” Dan teased.
“Yeah, that’s the reason she married him and not you!” Troy laughed.
Alex pulled me into his arms, kissing me. “Whatever the reason, she’s mine now.”
Chapter 18 – Ghosts of the Past
There were a few things that need to be worked through before we got on that plane to Australia. Firstly and most importantly, I needed to open up to Alex about my past. While it no longer defined me, it was an undeniable part of my make-up, and I wanted for Alex to know all of me.
I jangled with restless energy the whole day, wondering when would be a good time to broach the subject. I had packed and repacked our suitcases, gone through our itinerary and when I started sorting Alex’s guitar picks according to colour, I knew it was time. I hated the idea of the tranquillity of the last few days being disrupted by my past. Still, I’d promised Matt and I owed it to myself to be free of my ghosts, no matter how distasteful I found them.
Alex loved me unconditionally, it was for this reason I was taking him home and I was willing to dig up my old demons and show him my past, my family, my skeletons. Alex had been patient, he had never pushed those “issues” but he deserved to know it all - he had well and truly earned it, it was time.
I took a long, deep breath as I looked into those magnetic eyes, “Alex, I want to tell you something.”
His gaze darkened slightly, yet he didn’t flinch. He had sensed my anxiety throughout the day but as always hadn’t pressed me further. “You can tell me anything Lexi, you know that.”
I pulled his shirt as I directed him to our bedroom, “I want you to lay with me while I tell you, I want there to be no more walls between us.”
He followed me as we walked through the bedroom door. “Alex... I” I turned as he placed his finger to my lips.
“Lexi, I’m not sure what it is you are about to tell me but I want you to be clear about something before you start. Nothing you say will change my feelings for you. There are no conditions on the love I have for you. I know you have secrets and I want to know all of you, but it isn’t a requirement.”
I took another deep breath and pulled Alex onto our bed. He kissed me gently before kicking off his shoes and then carefully removed mine. I could see he was curious about what I had to tell him but he wouldn’t rush it. A slow smile spread across his lips as he pulled off his shirt, his hands then toying with the waistband of my jeans.
“I don’t want there to be any confusion,” Alex’s low voice rumbled in my ear, “This isn’t an attempt to make love to you, as much as I would relish that.” His fingers slowly moved over my body, removing my clothes. “But I think it’s easier when there are no physical barriers between us. I want to feel your skin against mine while I hold you.”
I nodded as I allowed him to peel away the layers both physically and metaphorically till I was laying beside him naked. Alex stood and slowly removed the rest of his clothing. Watching him undress was so seductive, it would have been easy to forget my resolve to talk and do something entirely different.
Alex’s delicious mouth twisted into a half grin as he read my thoughts. “I know what you are thinking but I started this with different intentions and as difficult as that is for both of us, I think we should try and see it through.” The words were so smooth as they spilled from his lips. Damn he was sexy.
I moved to allow Alex to pull back the covers before joining him underneath. My legs wrapped around him as I lay my head on his bare chest. His hand ran along the length of my arm as he pulled me closer, his lips pressed against my temple as he whispered that he loved me.
I took a deep breath and let the rest of my walls come down. I revisited stories of my childhood, my parents’ emotional neglect, my loneliness. He had heard it before but this time, I didn’t spare any details. He listened silently as I told him how it had shaped me, how it then formed my ideas on family and relationships.
After another deep breath, I told Alex about him. Starting from our first meeting through till the time when his systematic cruel and abusive mental games tore at my self-esteem and left me a shell of a person. I spoke of my embarrassment, my guilt, my confusion and ultimately my numbness as he continued to destroy me, ripping away any shred of self worth I had. I watched as his jaw tensed and his eyes darkened as he listened patiently. I knew he must have questions but he didn’t ask them, instead he held me, his grip tightening as I continued to speak.
I told him how isolated I had been, how I had believed I was not deserving of love and how I understood why it had been easy to reject me.
Alex winced, his breathing becoming more rapid as his body betrayed his mix of emotions. I felt his heart thumping loudly as he bit his lip. He wanted to speak, his body was so tense beneath me, but he still stayed silent.
I continued, explaining how I eventually clawed my way back, stronger and more resolved to not be defined by my past. I refused to be a victim but I was still deeply damaged so had used my “no strings” rule as a fail-safe. I turned my back on the idea of traditional relationships, instead sharing my bed with countless men to satisfy my urges. I would not and could not allow anyone to get close enough to me to ever hurt me again.
My voice grew hoarse as I continued on through the emotional minefield that had plagued me through our initial connection. My desperation to be with him had fought against my self-preservation that wouldn’t allow it.
I laid in his arms naked, emotionally naked. I had told him everything. Every painful, hurtful and horrible memory. My highest highs and my lowest lows. Things no one else had known about me, I told him. For the first time, I wasn’t afraid.
When I finally stopped, Alex’s eyes closed slowly. His chest rose as he took in a l
arge breath, pushing it out though his lips as his eyes slowly opened.
“Lexi, what you endured... what was done to you... I will never understand how anyone could throw away such a precious gift. I have always known how remarkable and how undeniably exceptional you are, but knowing this has taken that appreciation to a new level.”
Alex took another audible breath before continuing, “But make no mistake, if I ever find this worthless excuse for a human being, I will kill him.”
“Alex, that isn’t what this is about. I don’t need you to fight my battles. I’ve already done that. They didn’t win, he hasn’t won. Look at me, I’m here with you despite it all. They didn’t break me.” I needed him to understand. I didn’t need his pity, I just needed him to know the truth. I needed him to know me.
“Lexi, baby. The fact that they didn’t break you is a testament to YOU. It doesn’t make what happened any better. God, I think back to what a selfish ASSHOLE I was, Lexi... I am so sorry.” Alex raked his hands through his hair, his face tense and frustrated.
“Please don’t do that. Analyse everything you ever did or said. We will never last if you second-guess everything. It can’t happen Alex. I won’t have you living through my past as well. You need to let it go, you need to look at me and know I am ok and let all that shit go.”
I had been through this for years and I didn’t want to dredge it up now. It was over, I had finally freed myself from it. The last thing I needed was for Alex to feel the need to go defend my honour. What purpose would it serve anyway? It’s not going to make the asshole who hurt me feel any remorse. Deep down I had to believe that living a good life would ultimately vindicate me.
Alex sat up and shook his head. It was a lot for anyone to take in. Maybe I had left it too long. I could see him struggle with the information I’d given him.
“Say something? Please.” I kissed his shoulder. I needed to get him back, back to the present, back to me.
“Lexi, I’m not going to lie to you. I am having a hard time letting it go. I love you. The thought of you being hurt even though it was in the past, it kills me. I wish there was something I could do that could take it away, somehow erase it for you. It fucking tears me up that I can’t.” Alex took my face in his hands, his eyes were no longer carefree and clear. They were clouded and dark.