Wasn’t that the most common question after you fucked up?
She reached over and touched my arm. “Of course I do. Just tell me. We can work through whatever it is.”
I smiled and hoped that was going to be the case for us. “I have to tell you something and you aren’t going to like it. In fact, you may never want to see me again.”
She rolled her eyes, like I was exaggerating. “Will you just tell me?”
I laced our hands together and stared down at her fingers. My stomach was in knots and I could feel a burning in my throat like I was fighting back tears. Since I’d done this to myself, letting my dick decide my actions, I had no one to blame but me. It was so hard to say it; to tell the person that I loved so much the heart wrenching truth. “Kar, I fucked up.”
She kept holding my hand, except I could tell she was starting to get a sense of where my conversation was going. “What do you mean? I just saw you a couple days ago.”
“Just promise me that you’ll hear me out. Just let me tell the whole story before you say anything. No matter what I say, I need you to promise me that.” It was wrong of me to ask her that, but she needed to know everything.
“Bastian, you’re really scaring me.”
“There’s no easy way to say this, Kar. When you left, I was just trying to keep myself busy with work and school. I mean, there was enough going on in my life that it wasn’t that hard to let you go so you could go off and pursue this dream. I was so proud of you. I’d never want you to give up your dream because of me, babe. You should know that by now. That’s why when you left, I honestly believed that you were going to move on and find someone there that could offer you more than I could. I had no idea you were waiting for me, you have to believe that.”
She pulled her hand away. “Spit it out, Bastian. I know you didn’t drive out here to beat around the bush. Please, my heart can’t take anymore.”
The more I hesitated, the more I reconsidered telling her the truth. I had to do this. I couldn’t be that asshole who could live his whole life with that type of secret. Before I even knew it, I was up pacing around her room, completely naked. Karrie sat up and turned on the light. I kneeled down in front of her side of the bed. When she leaned over and kissed my head, I just lost it. I laid my head in between her knees and refused to look up into those beautiful eyes of hers. The thought of her hating me forever was stripping my every bit of self-composure. She’d never heard me cry before and initially she seemed sympathetic. She played with my hair while I let everything out. Finally, I sat up and looked right at her. “I was with other people, Kar. It happened after you were already here. It was only a few times and it meant nothing, I swear.”
Tears welled in her eyes and I could tell that this wasn’t what she expected to hear. She shook her head and started to cry. “No…no, you told me there wasn’t anyone else. I asked you before. Why would you lie to me if it meant nothing? Why would you lie to me at all about this? I can’t believe I thought we could really make this work. Why would you give me false hope when I came to visit? Why not just tell me that we couldn’t get back together?”
I held my finger up to motion for her to give me a minute to answer. “I do want to be with you, Kar. I swear I do. Look, I get why you’re mad, but…”
“No! I don’t think you do get it. Do you have any idea how happy I was thinking that you hadn’t been with anyone else? I actually believed that you were waiting for me just like I was waiting for you. All along, you were hooking up with some random person or people. Do I know who it was? Tell me I don’t know them, Bastian.”
I covered my face with one of my hands and just shook my head. “It wasn’t planned, you have to know that.”
She pushed my hand away from my face. Even with a face full of tears, I could tell she was losing her cool. “Who was it then? If it was nothing, then why lie?” I tried to touch her leg, but she shoved it away. “No! You don’t get to touch me right now.” She pushed me down on the floor. “Start talking!”
I held my hand up in the air again, this time praying she didn’t throw a remote or cell phone at my face. Jesus, I hadn’t even told her the worst part yet. How could I have thought this was going to end decently? “I slept with Mrs. Smith. She seduced me one day after I was done cleaning. I swear I said no. I kept saying no, but she wouldn’t back off. You were gone and I just, I just did it. Kar, please…”
“You slept with a married woman that I introduced you to? How could you do that? How many times? How many times have you slept with her?”
“Do you really want the details?” I knew she didn’t and they weren’t even important. She fell down onto her pillow and began to sob. Reluctantly, I climbed on the bed beside Karrie and put my arm around her. “Babe, I know you hate me right now, but…”
“I trusted you,” she sobbed something else but I couldn’t make out her words.
“I’m so, so sorry. I had no clue you were going to come back to me the way you did. I never would have done that if we were together, you have to believe me.”
She pulled her body away from me and sat up. I watched her wipe the tears from her eyes, before looking directly at me. “You drove all this way to tell me that you slept with your client? I’m not an idiot, Bastian. So what happened? Did her husband come in and catch you? Are you in some kind of trouble? God, I sat in the same room with that bitch and all the while, she had fucked my boyfriend. What a common whore. I feel like such an idiot!”
I tried to touch her, but she pulled away again. “You’re right, Kar. I didn’t just come here to tell you that. I came here to tell you that I slept with other women and now I’m being blackmailed because of it. If I didn’t tell you, she was going to. I couldn’t have that happen. I can’t let you go on thinking that I’m being this great boyfriend, when I have this huge secret I am keeping from you. If I could take it back I would, but I know it isn’t possible. I came here so you could break up with me in person. I couldn’t tell you over the phone, like some loser would. I needed to be able to explain. I needed to tell you face to face how much I love you. I…”
“Shut up! Just shut up! How could you come in here, sleep with me, and then tell me all of this. You didn’t want to be a loser, but the only loser I know right now is you. Get the fuck out of my apartment and stay the fuck out of my life, Bastian.”
I stood up and started getting my clothes on. She had her hands over her face as she began to cry again. Once I got my shoes on, I climbed over the bed again and got close to her ear. “You are the only woman I have ever loved, Karrie. I know I fucked up, but I need you to know that. I slept with you tonight because I knew I would never be able to make love to you again. I wish you never left to come to New York. None of this would have ever happened.”
She jumped up off the other side of the bed and pointed right at me. “Don’t you dare blame this on me. Get out right now! Get the fuck out of here.”
It hurt so bad to see how much I had hurt her, but in the long run I knew it was the right thing to do. At least my mother would be proud of me, when I was old and fat and living back at home because I never could find anyone that was as great as Karrie. Don’t get me wrong, I understood that with the exception of Mrs. Jones giving me head, I never cheated on my girlfriend. My friends were going to call me a pussy, but as I made my way back to my Jeep, the only thing on my mind was finding a way out of this mess and somehow figuring out a way to win back my devastated girlfriend. Now that she was out of harm’s way, I could focus on the next part of my plan.
I’d never been pissed at my dick before. I was pretty pissed now, though. When people tell you to keep your dick in your pants, do it!
I sat in my Jeep for a while watching the sun come up. I wanted to see Karrie heading out to her job, but she never came out of her apartment. I wondered if she saw my vehicle and refused to go near me. Just as I started to pull away, I heard a knock on the passenger side window.
Karrie stood there, wrapped in a robe. Her h
air was pulled back and her eyes were still swollen. I reached over and opened the Jeep right before I turned off the ignition. She climbed inside, but said nothing at first. I leaned my head against the steering wheel, knowing damn well it was best for me to wait for her to speak.
“I came back to visit you because I was feeling guilty about hooking up with a guy I’d just met. I figured you were out doing the same thing and I wanted to clear my conscience. I should have told you, but Mark told me to keep my mouth shut and I listened to him. As hurt as I am about what you did, I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt. Bastian the thing is, I love you and being with that other guy made me realize just how much. I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to forget about it. I called work and told them I was sick and my roommate just left for work. Why don’t you come inside and we can talk about what happens now.”
I wanted to be pissed at her, but how could I be? I’d done so much worse. Hell, I fucked a chick in her ass on her front lawn. If that wasn’t some seriously fucked up shit, then I didn’t know what was.
As messed up as it was, her sleeping with some random guy was the only reason she was sitting in my Jeep. Sure, it hurt, but it also gave me hope.
Chapter 18
Karrie made us a fresh pot of coffee and filled two cups before coming to join me on the couch. She sat on the other end, but lifted her feet so they were almost touching me. “I still can’t believe you drove all this way to break up with me.”
“If it’s any consolation, I didn’t want to break up I just knew it was going to happen.”
“I guess what hurts the most is that we’re also friends. I feel like losing you is losing so much of my life. Bastian, I know you aren’t that guy, so I want you to tell me everything. Just tell me how it all began and why it continued. Then I need you to tell me why you feel like you’re in trouble, because I am a little concerned that something bad could happen to you and as mad as I am, I couldn’t deal with that if it happened.”
I grabbed her foot and started to play with it. When she didn’t pull away, I felt relieved. “I told you about Mrs. Smith. I’m not going to get into details, but it happened a few times. .”
Karrie spit her coffee across the room and looked right at me. “Oh my God! You are kidding right now?”
I pulled one of the letters out of my pocket and handed it to her. “I never asked for it, but every time it was in there. Then she got her neighbor to be a client and that’s when everything got crazy.” I looked at Karrie and realized this was probably too much for her to hear. She gave me a half smile, letting me know it was okay to continue. “It was only those two women. I was with the neighbor once and then I met her crazy ass daughter, who is blackmailing me. She took pictures of me with Mrs. Smith and threatened to show them to you if I didn’t sleep with Mrs. Smith and her mother again. I looked into things and discovered that her stepmother won control of all of their money and I think she is trying to prove she is unfaithful to her father. Since I refused to go through with it, I knew it was only a matter of time before this all blew up in my face. I swear, none of them mean anything to me. She has pictures and claims that she is going to overnight them to you to punish me for not helping her. Kar, I couldn’t let you open that envelope without talking to you first. Look, I have no idea if I will ever have to see any of them again, but I had to see you first.”
She got up and paced around the room. She needed space, but I wasn’t ready to let her out of my sight again. I could tell she was both hurt and confused.
“Bastian, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you. Sure, I’m upset about everything, but none of that was the person that I know. Part of me wishes I could punish you for hurting me, but that would just be immature. The rational thing for us to do is work through this somehow. Since I obviously know what you did, it isn’t like that little bitch can hurt you.”
“I wasn’t worried about her hurting me, I was worried about her hurting you. I knew what I did and what I deserve, but you don’t deserve any of this. I appreciate that you love me, Kar. I also understand why you don’t want to be with me anymore.” It hurt to talk about. As angry as I was, in the big spectrum of things I couldn’t imagine not sharing my future with Karrie. It was different when we broke up before. I wanted her to live her life. Her coming back and asking me to try changed all of that.
“I never said that we were over. Yeah, I’m totally pissed at you. I’m not stupid and I’m definitely not naïve. I just feel like I have loved you for too long to let you go because some little slut wants to ruin you. Fuck her. If she thinks I would just sit around crying, she’s messed with the wrong chick. I have no problem heading to Maryland and beating that little bitch’s ass.”
I let out a little laugh, while Karrie stared with a serious face back at me. Her arms were crossed and I knew that she had taken her pain and turned it into revenge. Have I not mentioned that she was a fighter? Yeah, she was pretty much the last girl I would ever want to get into a bar fight with. She is one of these girls who is always so calm and laid back. She can take a lot, but given the right amount of bullshit, she will tear someone apart. “Well, I don’t need you fighting my battles. Do you really think we can work things out?”
She walked up close to me and held out her hand. “Come back to bed with me. I’m exhausted and I need you to hold me. I need to feel what they never got to feel. I need to feel your love.”
I held her hand all the way back to her bedroom. We both stripped down to our underwear and climbed back into her bed. When she saw me getting on my phone, she seemed to get worried. “Babe, I’m emailing my professor about the final I’m missing. I need to see if I can make it up.”
“You missed a final to come see me? You can’t risk your future like that.” She looked so shocked.
“Kar, the most important thing about my future is you. Just imagining losing you made me see that. I wouldn’t want to relive any of this, but knowing that it made me see how important you are to me, kind of makes it worth it. As long as we get to stay together, of course.” I finished sending the emailed and leaned up on my elbow to face her.
She did the same thing and just looked right at me. “Thank you for being honest with me, Bastian. I can’t name one other man that would have done what you did. It’s one thing that I’ve always admired about you. It’s why I just want to move forward. As much as I want to break up with you, I just know that I’ll never find anyone like you. So for now, I’m going to cut you off from sex. No nookie until I say.”
“You just said nookie.” I started laughing.
She slapped me on the chest. “Don’t be a dick! You are seriously cut off. You really did hurt me.”
“I said I was sorry. You hooked up with some random dude, too. You can’t cut me off if I cut you off first.”
She turned around and backed herself up to my body. While in the spooning position, she reached around, pulled my arm over her waist, and intertwined our fingers. “Just sleep with me and be quiet. I’m too tired to argue.”
I don’t think either of us planned to sleep the day away, but when I woke up it was dark outside and I realized that was exactly what had happened. Karrie was still asleep in my arms so I pulled her closer into my chest. Feeling her body next to mine in such a loving position made me feel relieved. We were far from being perfect, but the fact that I was still this close to her was enough to hope for the best.
I kissed the back of Karrie’s shoulder, letting my lips drag over her creamy skin. At first she didn’t move, but soon began to stir as I continue kissing her. “What time is it?”
“No clue. It’s dark out.” I kept my arms around her even as she turned to face me. I took my chances and leaned down to kiss her.
She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t exactly reciprocate either. As I pulled away, I saw her smiling. “Sneaking in a kiss before I was awake enough to know what you were doing?”
I kissed her forehead. “I don’t have to sneak. If
I want you, I’ll have you. You can say it’s all about our love and our friendship, but there is something else about me that you can’t get enough of.” I started laughing halfway through the comment and she covered her face with her pillow.
“In your dreams!”
“No, in yours!”
My phone started to ring, so I reached over to the bedside table and answered it.
Hello?
Who am I speaking with?
You called me. Who is this?
This is officer Travis with the Baltimore City Police Department. I’m calling about a phone call you received last night from Mrs. Genevieve Smith. Do you recall having that conversation?
Yeah, I work for her. She was telling me that I didn’t have to come in tomorrow to work.
And your full name is?
Sebastian Young.
Did Mrs. Smith give you an explanation why?
What the hell was going on? I didn’t know what else to tell the guy. I didn’t even know what he was calling for.
No! She just told me not to bother coming in.
According to the phone records, it appears that you were on the phone for several minutes. Perhaps you discussed something else during that time?
What was this dude getting at?
I told her that I was going to go to New York to visit with my girlfriend. She also worked for Mrs. Smith and liked to know how she was doing. What is this about, officer?
Just a couple more questions. When was the last time you saw Mrs. Smith?
Oh shit! I didn’t know how to answer that. Was I supposed to admit that I met her privately to discuss being blackmailed?
I guess it was the last time I worked at her house. A few days ago. Actually, I didn’t really see much of her because she was spending time with my girlfriend. Is everything alright? Is she in some kind of trouble?
Mr. Young I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but Mrs. Smith was found dead this morning.
Diary of a Male Maid Page 11