by Beth Manz
Blair closed his eyes again, reaching up to cover them with a shaking hand. His stomach lurched and he swallowed against the threatening nausea. Grant is still loose. It was his worst nightmare, coming true again. I can't take this anymore! I can't!
Jim's gentle hand continued to move across his hair, stroking gently, the only source of comfort and security in his pain-filled world. "It's all right, buddy," he whispered down to him. "It's all right."
Blair shook his head. "It's not all right," he protested brokenly. "Not this time." Opening his eyes, he looked at Jim, working hard to keep his emotions under control. "I know I told you before that we should take this one day at a time.... But now...Jim, I just can't go forward knowing Grant's coming back. I just...I can't take this anymore."
Jim's hand stilled against Blair's head and the sentinel leaned close, his face only inches from Sandburg's. He stared down at the young man, the light blue eyes filled with compassion...and with determination. "He's going to be caught, Blair," Jim promised. "He won't get near you again."
Blair let out a low sob. How often had they thought that before? How often had they believed they could beat the doctor at his own game? Could protect themselves from him? Blair stared up at his partner, too weary of spirit to even be embarrassed by the tears he felt slipping from his eyes. "I know you want to believe that, Jim," he whispered sentinel-soft, "but I can't anymore. I just can't."
/
/
/
Jim stood outside the door to the infirmary and listened to his guide's steady heartbeat. It had been nearly twenty-four hours since Sandburg had opened his eyes but the kid still hadn't told him what had happened with Grant. The sheriff had asked for a statement but the details Blair had given him were sketchy at best--he'd been abducted and held hostage until he escaped. Jim hadn't pressed for more because he hadn't felt Blair was ready. It was obvious that emotionally his partner was on edge right now, having a hard time dealing with the fact that Grant was still free. That Grant would be coming again....
That's why he's so quiet, so closed-off, Jim reasoned. Once I get him home he'll feel a lot better, a lot safer. The sentinel hoped he was right because he missed his partner's characteristic optimism and exuberance. He missed Blair.
If only I had some news on Grant. The man had managed to disappear again and it unnerved Jim. He hadn't been more than a room away from Blair since arriving in Stadler and until Grant was found he planned to make sure he stayed as close to his partner's side as was humanly possible.
But I will find Grant. I won't rest until I do.
Taking a deep breath, Jim pushed the infirmary door open and stepped into the small room. "Good news," he said brightly, heading toward the chair his partner was occupying. He fought to keep his smile from slipping as he took in the gray pallor of Blair's skin, the defeated droop of the kid's shoulders, the dullness in the normally expressive eyes. "The doctor says I can take you home," he said with forced cheerfulness. "Just as long as you check in with your own doctor tomorrow."
Sandburg merely nodded, a ghost of a smile flickering across his lips then disappearing completely. "That's great, man," he said without enthusiasm.
"I even managed to get a set of clothes for you," Jim continued. "The sheriff retrieved most of your stuff from Grant's house and brought it here." He held up Blair's pack. "So we can leave whenever you're ready."
Blair pushed himself wearily to his feet and crossed slowly to the bed where Jim had deposited his pack. But as he reached for the bag, Jim placed his hand on his arm, stopping him.
"Chief," he began, not knowing if this was the right time to bring up the subject, but needing to say what was on his mind-what had been on his mind since he'd first heard Blair was missing: "I know why you went off with Grant. I...I know you did it for me. But Chief...you were wrong to do that. You shouldn't have--"
"Jim," Sandburg cut in, his wide blue eyes imploring, "I know what you're going to say, but I really can't handle a lecture right now. Not about that."
Jim could feel the tremors that ran through his guide's body, could hear his elevated heart rate, knew this had been a mistake. But before he dropped the conversation completely he wanted his partner to know one thing.... "You're too good a friend, Chief."
Blair dropped his gaze, swallowing hard as a tear slipped from his eyes and tracked slowly down his cheek. Jim reached up and silently wiped it away. The young man closed his eyes and turned his face away, obviously embarrassed.
"Hey," Jim began, grasping Blair by the upper arms. "I didn't mean to upset you...."
But Blair shook his head. "You didn't. I'm just...I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything, I guess."
"No," Jim disagreed softly. His guide's downcast posture and expression tore at Jim's heart. Slowly, he moved closer and drew Blair to him. The young man stepped into his embrace, clung to him almost desperately, and Jim wasn't surprised when Sandburg lost control of his emotions and began to weep brokenly against his shoulder. Jim tightened his hold on his friend, offering him his strength, his comfort.
"Blair," he spoke softly into the soft curls beneath his chin, "please talk to me. Tell me what happened."
Sandburg was silent for a long time, standing within Jim's embrace, his body trembling. Then slowly he pulled away, reached up to wipe at his nose and eyes. "Please," he whispered, turning haunted eyes up to his partner. "Can we not talk about this right now? Can we just go home? That's all I really want to do right now. Just go home."
Part Six
Blair lay his head against the truck's passenger side window, relishing the temporary relief the cool glass provided against the headache that was beginning to pound in his skull. He closed his eyes and wished he could go to sleep. Go to sleep and then wake up to find that Marcus Grant and his cruel games had all been a dream. Just a terrible nightmare...something conjured up by his overactive imagination and acted out during his slumber.
But it wasn't a dream. Marcus Grant was real. And he would be coming back.
He bit back a low sob, aware that Jim would be monitoring every sound he made, and concentrated on taking several deep, calming breaths. In and out, in and out. Unbidden and unwanted, memories of Grant hovering over him washed through his mind, destroying all his efforts at achieving inner calm. He could practically smell the man, could almost feel the loathsome fingers touching his hair, his skin. In that instant, he was afraid to open his eyes-Grant's lingering presence seemed so real that he truly feared he'd look up to find the doctor leaning close, his smug expression set, his condescending smile firmly in place...
Gasping involuntarily at the mental picture, Blair's eyes snapped open, the image instantly vanishing. Wearily, he reached up and scrubbed at his face and eyes, wishing he could scrub away all traces of Marcus Grant as easily.
"Chief," Jim said from beside him. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Sandburg answered too quickly. He spared a quick glance in Jim's direction, giving him what he hoped was a reassuring look. "I'm good," he lied, turning his attention back to the road in front of him.
"I'm right here, Chief," Jim said in a low voice, concern lacing the words. "You're safe. We both are."
Blair nodded mutely, swallowing against the tide of emotion that threatened to overcome him.
"I know it's not very comfortable in here," Jim said a moment later, "but why don't you see if you can get some rest?" He pushed his jacket, which was laying on the seat between the two men, in Blair's direction. "You can use my coat as a pillow."
Slowly Blair picked up the coat, folded it into a neat square, and placed it against the passenger side window. Leaning into the soft folds, he closed his eyes and tried once again to rid his mind of the nightmare that was Marcus Grant.
He bit at his lip, determined to keep his emotions under control. But he knew it was only a stopgap measure. His emotions were too raw, too close to the surface. He felt as if he didn't even know himself any more.
Everything is different now.
>
Grant had always been a threat, but never before had he managed to steal a part of Blair like he had during the week at the cabin. And he'll be back, the rational side of his nature reminded him. No more kidding yourself, Sandburg. Grant's coming after you again...as much as you may still want to deny it, you know there'll be a next time...
Again, he bit back a sob. Because in his heart he knew...the next time he simply wouldn't have the emotional or physical reserves to survive. The next time Grant would win....
/
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Jim exhaled a slow, inaudible sigh of relief as the freeway sign marking the exit for Cascade came into view. Beside him, sitting in the truck's passenger seat, Blair shifted ever so slightly. Jim glanced at him. His partner had fallen asleep nearly half an hour ago, his head pillowed by Jim's jacket, his arms crossed over his chest.
Jim savored the sound of Blair's soft breathing, his resting heart rate. Because he knew when Blair awakened again, the calm that now enveloped him would disappear, replaced with worry. Fear.
But it was Blair's hopeless attitude that concerned Jim most of all.
Ellison hoped that going back home to Cascade, to the loft and to his friends, would help Blair get past his fear and anxiety, help him put his abduction by Marcus Grant behind him. You mean his latest abduction. Jim clenched his jaw at the words...and the truth behind them. In the time since Jim had met Blair, the kid had been through a lot. But nothing compared to the relentless pursuit by Marcus Grant.
During all those weeks of living under the threat of Grant's return, Blair had never once slipped into despondency. But now.... Jim wondered for what seemed like the thousandth time just what had transpired at that house in the woods. And he feared that until Grant was caught and put away, his partner would never be the same.
As he slowed the truck, steering toward the exit to Cascade, Blair groaned softly and sat up. He stretched carefully and looked over at Jim. "Sorry, man," he muttered. "I'm pretty lousy company, huh?"
"You were missing for almost a week, Chief." He reached over and patted briefly at Sandburg's leg. "You can sleep around the clock if you want-just as long as you're here, safe."
Blair nodded his head and gave Jim a grateful glance. Then he rubbed at his eyes and looked out the window at the passing scenery. "We're almost home," he said softly, and Jim could hear the relief in his voice.
"Yeah. I called Eli while you were sleeping," he told Blair, glancing across at him to see how the kid would react to the news. Twice in Stadler, Jim had tried to get Blair to call Eli, but both times he'd told Jim he was just too tired. As he watched, Blair dropped his gaze to his lap and stared at his hands. "He's going to meet us at the loft," Jim continued. "He's anxious to see you."
"I'm anxious to see him too," Blair admitted quietly. Looking over at Jim, he added, "Does he understand why I didn't talk to him on the phone?"
"He understands," Jim assured his partner. "Believe me, all he wants right now is to see you."
Blair nodded. "That's all I want too."
As Jim exited the freeway and steered toward downtown Cascade, he noticed a disturbing change in his partner. Blair had become nervous, fidgeting slightly in his seat. Jim wasn't sure if he was just anxious to get home or if he was scared of what might be waiting for him there.
"I also talked to Simon," Jim continued, hoping the news would help settle some of Blair's fears. "The APB on Grant has been extended to cover the tri-state area. Every cop and FBI agent in the Northwest will be watching for him."
But Blair didn't react to the news-Jim detected no relief on his face, no release of tension, nothing. He just continued to sit quietly and stare ahead blankly.
Jim reached over and placed his hand against Blair's arm. "Isn't that good news?"
"Yeah," Sandburg muttered, but there was no emotion behind the word, no relief.
"Sandburg, he's not going to get near you again."
His partner turned on him, the unexpected fire in the dark blue eyes causing Jim to withdraw his hand. "Don't say that, Jim," Blair spat out, showing more emotion than he had since Jim had gone to Stadler. "You can't promise that! No one can, so don't say it."
"Blair--"
"He was in my hospital room after Mitchell attacked me," Sandburg informed the detective, his words clipped. "Did you know that?"
Jim blinked several times at the surprising news. "No," he admitted finally.
"He was. He told me when we were at that house together. So somehow, during everything that was going down with Mitchell, he managed to get into my hospital room without any of us knowing about it." Blair gestured with one hand, dismissing Jim's promises. "So don't tell me you'll protect me because you can't. No one can." He bit at his trembling lower lip, reached up to press his fingers hard against his eyes.
Jim reached over and placed a hand on his knee, gripping gently. "Chief...." Beneath his hand, Blair was trembling again.
"I'm sorry," Sandburg choked out, dropping his hands away from his eyes but keeping his gaze lowered. "What happened with Grant is not your fault. You didn't make me go with him. No one did."
"But you did it for me, Sandburg," Jim whispered, the hand on Blair's knee tightening.
"And I don't regret that," Blair admitted softly. "I could never regret that. I really thought I was doing the only thing I could and I still believe that. But Jim, the idea of him ever getting near me again.... I just can't deal with that, man. I think...I think if that ever happens, I'll lose it completely."
/
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/
Eli opened the loft's front door as he heard the elevator arrive on the third floor. Seconds later Blair and Jim emerged from inside the small car. Eli's heart pounded hard in his chest as he watched the young anthropologist approach. Blair was thin and he looked pale and weak, beaten down, his normal exuberance gone.
He pushed his shock at Blair's appearance aside and summoned a warm smile. "I'm so happy you're home," he said as Blair stopped in front of him. Then, moving closer, Stoddard drew the young man into his arms, hugging him tightly but careful not to hurt him. He was surprised when Blair leaned into him and rested his head against his shoulder. They stood that way for several minutes, just outside the door of the loft, Blair making no move to disengage himself from the professor's arms.
"Hey, buddy," Jim said at last, reaching out to place his hand on Sandburg's back, "why don't we get you inside."
Without uttering a word, Blair pulled away from Eli and crossed the hallway into the loft. Eli looked up at Jim, worrying gnawing at his stomach.
"He's just tired," Jim offered, but Eli could hear the concern behind the words, knew that Blair's odd behavior went much deeper than that.
What did Grant do to him?
Eli followed Blair inside, watched as the young man trudged to the living area and dropped listlessly on the couch facing the balcony.
"Chief," Jim called out as he set his backpack down just inside the door. "You hungry? I could go out and pick up some food."
"That's sounds like a good idea," Eli piped in when Blair remained silent.
"Whatever you guys want," Blair muttered beneath his breath.
Eli turned back to Jim. "Do you want me--"
"No, I'll go." Ellison stepped closer, lowered his voice. "Eli, he won't talk to me. I'm going to be gone for half an hour or so. Maybe you can get him to talk to you while I'm out."
Eli glanced across at Blair. The young man sat in the same spot, staring ahead, not moving. He looked back up at Jim. "I'll try."
As soon as Jim left, Eli turned toward Blair again. He still hadn't moved. "Blair?" he said, "do you want something to drink? Some tea, perhaps?"
At the mention of tea, Blair closed his eyes and sagged against the cushions at his back. Eli frowned, crossing quickly to him.
"Are you all right?" The professor sat down beside Sandburg and rested a hand gently on his knee. "What's wrong, my boy?"
Blair opened his
eyes and stared over at Eli, his gaze tired and remote. "It's nothing."
"No, something's bothering you. What is it?"
Blair continued to stare at the professor, his eyes revealing the internal struggle he was having. Finally, after several long seconds, he shrugged and dropped his gaze to his lap. "It's just the tea, that's all. When you asked me if I wanted tea...Grant made me tea."
"I see," Eli mused aloud. "Bad memories, eh?"
"You could say that." Blair looked up at Eli again, the pain in his eyes tearing at the professor's heart. "Dr. Stoddard," he began hesitantly, then stopped.
"What is it?" Eli asked kindly, scooting a bit closer. "You know you'll probably feel better once you talk about what happened...."
Blair closed his eyes briefly. "Jim asked you to talk to me, didn't he?"
Eli nodded. "He's worried about you, Blair."
"I know. But...well, there are some things I just don't want him to know." He bit at his lip as he looked at Eli. "I couldn't talk to you on the phone," he whispered, "because Jim was there. He would have heard...." He shook his head, wiping at his eyes.
"Heard what?" Dr. Stoddard asked. He didn't understand Blair's wish to keep his partner in the dark about what had happened to him. Usually Blair took comfort in Jim's concern and support. But this time....
Fear gripped Eli. Never in the past had Grant done anything...inappropriate to Blair. But as the young man beside him continued to weep silently, Eli's fear rose. What can't Blair tell Jim?
"Blair," he began softly, "whatever happened with Grant...whatever he might have done to you...." His voice trailed off as he watched Blair's reaction to his words.
Sandburg looked up, his brow creased slightly in confusion. "Professor-"
"Jim will understand," Eli added quickly. "He loves you, Blair. We both do. And we're both here for you. I just want you to know that, to believe it and not worry that things will change because they won't--"
"Dr. Stoddard," Blair cut in, stopping Eli's rambling assurances. "He didn't touch me. Not in the way you're worried about. This has never been about anything but control for Grant."
Eli swallowed hard as relief spread through him. Blair was not...mishandled. Wonderful news! But if that wasn't what he was trying to hide, what was?