by Joan Jonker
Bill had watched all the hustle and bustle silently. He’d made no comment when told the priest was coming, which gave Eileen hope that the visit would go smoothly. But now Bill looked towards his daughters, having heard their complaint. ‘You seem to forget that Billy is older than you. He leaves school next week, and starts work. So don’t set him up as an example of what you two can do or not do.’
Eileen was fed up sitting with her arms folded, waiting. After rushing round like a blue-arsed fly, here they were sitting like lemons! ‘I’m goin’ to put the kettle on! I swallowed me tea that fast before, it didn’t touch me throat.’
‘I’ll give you a hand.’ Maggie followed her daughter into the kitchen. Keeping her voice low, she said, ‘Now you can just explain where you’ve been today! Bill might have believed you were at Mary’s, but I don’t! I’m not as green as I’m cabbage looking, and I’ve known you far too long to be taken in by a lie.’
Eileen was saved from answering by a loud rat-tat at the front door. ‘I’ll go!’ She had a smile on her face when she opened the door, but it didn’t reach her heart. Father Younger was one of the old-fashioned priests who preached fire and brimstone, and all his parishioners were afraid of him. And if the kids didn’t want to go to Church on a Sunday all you had to do was remind them that Father Younger would be at the school tomorrow asking those who hadn’t been to Mass to put their hands up. That never failed to do the trick.
‘Come in, Father!’ Eileen pressed herself back against the wall to allow the priest to squeeze past. ‘Sorry I wasn’t in when yer came before.’
‘I believe you were up at the Sedgemoor’s?’ Father Younger twirled his old-fashioned, round-crowned hat, in his fingers. ‘I hope they are keeping well?’
‘They’re fine, Father!’ That’s not a lie, anyway, Eileen thought. And if it is, it’s only a little white one.
The priest greeted Maggie and the girls with a nod of his head before standing in front of Bill. ‘It’s good to see you again, Mr Gillmoss.’ Bill shook the hand that was held out to him, but stayed silent.
‘Here yer are, Father.’ Eileen touched the back of a dining chair. ‘Sit down and take the weight off yer feet.’
The two girls watched the proceedings, wide-eyed. They were in awe of the tall, gangling priest, who never seemed to smile. Many’s the time they’d felt his wrath when they didn’t know the answer to a question he’d asked them from the Catechism. He was very handy with the cane, too! When you got six of the best off Father Younger, your hand would still be stinging hours later. In fact, many of the kids would rather tell a lie than get the cane off the heavy-handed priest. They reckoned, and prayed, that Our Lord would be more lenient with them than Father Younger!
‘I haven’t seen you at Church since you came home, Mr Gillmoss!’ The piercing eyes turned from Bill to Eileen. ‘Nor you, Mrs Gillmoss!’
‘No, Father, I’ve been …’
Bill’s voice, stronger than she’d ever heard, cut off her words. ‘For your information, I have no intention of ever, ever, setting foot in a church again!’
Eileen and her mother stared at each other in astonishment, their eyes asking what had come over Bill? He’d always been a softly spoken, mild-tempered man, not given to outbursts of anger such as they’d just heard. ‘I can’t believe you mean what you say, Mr Gillmoss,’ the priest leaned nearer, ‘and I’ll ask God to forgive you for saying it.’
‘God!’ Bill spat the word out. ‘What God? If there was a God, why would he allow wars to happen? Why would he allow men to kill and torture each other? Why …’
Eileen stood up abruptly, knocking the chair to the floor. ‘I think it’s time for the girls to go to bed! Come on, you two, up those stairs!’
‘Ooh, ay, Mam.’ Joan’s face, like her sister’s, was as white as a sheet.
‘Why did me dad say that?’
Eileen rubbed her forehead and sank on to the bed. ‘I don’t know, love!’
‘We won’t half get it in the mornin’!’ Edna nodded knowingly. ‘He’ll ’ave us out in front of the class an’ tell everyone what me dad said!’
‘No, he won’t, sweetheart!’ Eileen gathered them both close. ‘Father Younger knows yer dad’s not well, an’ he won’t take it out on you two, ’cos I won’t let ’im!’
‘You won’t be there!’ Edna reminded her. ‘He will take it out on us, Mam! Me dad ’ad no right to say what ’e did!’ She rested her head on Eileen’s shoulder and whispered, ‘There is a God, isn’t there, Mam?’
‘Of course there is, sweetheart!’ Eileen’s head was swimming. She had no idea Bill felt so bitter against the Church. Why didn’t he say something before Father Younger arrived and she could have stopped the priest from coming in? Then again, there was a lot she didn’t know about Bill these days.
‘You two get undressed while I ’ave a listen.’ Eileen opened the door a crack and listened. She could hear voices raised in anger, but couldn’t make out the words. Then she remembered her mother was down there, in the thick of it. She should go down herself, but she couldn’t. How could she take sides, when one was her husband, the other a priest? No, better not get involved! She wasn’t going to argue with her Bill, and her upbringing wouldn’t let her speak out against everything she’d been taught to believe in.
‘Get yerselves into bed, and don’t worry!’ Eileen pulled the eiderdown over them and tucked them in. ‘If Father Younger says anything to yez tomorrer, tell ’im I said to see me! Okay?’ Eileen looked back from the door to see two pairs of wide eyes staring at her from behind the bedclothes which were pulled up to their chins. Poor things, they looked terrified! ‘Tell yez what, how about me tellin’ yer a story till yez go to sleep?’
Eileen was half way through ‘The Boy On A Dolphin’ when she heard the slam of the front door. The girls’ eyes were drooping, so she let her voice drone on for a few more minutes until she was sure they were fast asleep. Then, with butterflies in her tummy, she made her way down the stairs.
When Eileen entered the room, Maggie stood up. She looked at Eileen, shrugged her shoulders and sighed. ‘I’m going round to Vera Jackson’s for half an hour. I met her at the shops this morning and she asked me to call round sometime for a chat.’ Vera Jackson had been one of Mary’s neighbours before she married Harry and moved to Orrell Park. It was through Mary that Eileen had met Vera and they’d become good friends. Vera’s husband, Danny, was in the army, and when she was feeling lonely, she would often call round to Eileen’s with her seven-year-old mongol daughter, Carol, who was adored and spoiled rotten by Eileen and her mother. Maggie reached the door and turned. ‘I’ll take the key in case you two want to go to bed before I get back.’
Eileen waited for the sound of the door closing before turning to face Bill. ‘Well, what was that all about?’
‘What was what all about?’
‘Oh, come off it, Bill! All this shoutin’ at Father Younger about there bein’ no God, and you not goin’ to church any more!’
‘I told him the truth! It’s the way I feel, and there’s no use pretending otherwise!’
‘But why?’
‘If you’d seen what I have, you wouldn’t have to ask!’ Bill tore a strip from the Echo and leaned forward to light it from the fire. He puffed on his cigarette till it was lit, then threw the paper in the grate. ‘I’m not asking you or Ma, or the children, to stop going to church, if that’s what you want, but don’t expect me to go.’
It’s taken an argument over God to get him talking to me, was Eileen’s thought. But now we are talking, and he’s got some of his feelings off his chest, it’s about time I aired mine.
‘I told you a lie today.’ Eileen folded her arms and pinched nervously at the fat on her dimpled elbows. ‘I didn’t go to Mary Sedgemoor’s.’
‘Where did you go then? And why did you have to lie?’
‘Because if I’d told yer, yer wouldn’t ’ave let me go.’ Eileen rested her elbows on her knees, her face level with Bill’
s. ‘I went to see Arthur Kennedy.’
‘Arthur Kennedy?’ Bill looked puzzled for a second, then he remembered the man Alan had introduced him to when they’d got off the train at Lime Street station. ‘What did you go to see him for?’
‘I thought he might tell me somethin’ that would explain why you’re behavin’ the way yer are.’
‘But I don’t even know the man!’ Bill threw his cigarette into the grate. ‘And what d’you mean, the way I’m behaving?’
The chair creaked as Eileen shifted her weight. ‘Bill, the man who left here to go in to the army was my husband! The man who came back is a stranger!’ Tears started to form, but Eileen was past caring. She was fighting for everything she valued most in the world.
‘Not once, since yer came back, ’ave yer cuddled or kissed me, or told me yer love me! An’ for five years I’ve been tellin’ the kids about how marvellous their dad is, and they were so excited when they knew yer were comin’ ’ome! But the only time yer speak to them is when yer tellin’ them off!’ Eileen sniffed loudly, the tears now streaming down her face. ‘The kids are all mixed up, like me! We don’t know what we’ve done wrong!’
Bill dropped his head. ‘It’s not you, chick! You’ve done nothing wrong, neither have the kids! And I do love you, all of you! But I can’t help the way I am! It’s like living through a nightmare, every day and all day! I can’t get out of my head some of the atrocities I’ve seen, and the way some of me mates died!’ Bill raised his face and Eileen could see his suffering. ‘I know I shouldn’t take it out on you or the kids, but I can’t stop meself!’
‘Then let me help you! Don’t keep me on the outside, Bill, let me in, where I want to be! Tell me what the prisoner of war camp was like, and keep telling me, over an’ over again, till yer’ve got it out of yer system!’
‘You have no idea what it was like, chick, or you wouldn’t be asking! They talk about man’s inhumanity to man, but I never believed there could be such barbaric, evil people in the world.’
Eileen used the hem of her dress to dry her tears. ‘I’m glad I went to see Arthur Kennedy, ’cos it’s brought us closer together! He told me some of the things he ’ad to endure, but ’e did say that the camp ’e was in was a lot better than others he’d heard of.’ Eileen almost blurted out what Arthur had come home to, but decided against it. Perhaps some other time! Right now Bill’s problems were more important. ‘Come on, sweetheart! Marriage is all about sharing … the good things and the bad. Share yours with me.’
It was half past eleven when Maggie quietly closed the door behind her. She expected Eileen and Bill to be in bed, but she saw a shaft of light coming from under the living room door, and as she reached the bottom stair she heard Bill’s voice. It wasn’t raised in anger as it was when she heard it last, but low and even.
Maggie gripped the banister and pulled herself over the second stair which was given to creaking. It was about time her daughter and Bill sat and talked to each other, and Maggie didn’t want to interrupt. Although Eileen had never complained, Maggie knew how unhappy and worried she’d been since Bill came home. Please God that was all behind them now.
Eileen heard her mother come in, but her eyes never wavered from Bill’s face. In the last two hours she’d heard such tales of cruelty that her blood ran cold. She couldn’t take it all in … men kept in cages like animals, others beaten senseless … it was a wonder Bill didn’t go out of his mind! And she could tell by the way he kept stopping, that he was holding a lot back for fear of upsetting her.
‘D’you remember me telling you about the man I’d made friends with on the day I joined the army?’
‘Yer mean Mick Sullivan? Of course I remember ’im! Yer always mentioned ’im in yer letters?’ Eileen saw a cloud pass over Bill’s eyes. ‘Why?’ Bill could no longer contain his emotions. He dropped his head in his hands and his body shook with violent sobs. Frightened, Eileen ran to kneel in front of him. Stroking his hair, she begged, ‘What is it, darlin’?’
Gulping for air, Bill shook his head. ‘Leave me for a minute.’
As she waited, Eileen took in the thin fingers and the sharp shoulder blades sticking out beneath his jacket. She wanted to break down, to scream out that no man should have to go through what Bill was going through. He hadn’t done anything to deserve this! But Eileen knew she had to be strong for both of them. So gently stroking his hair, she waited. Bill breathed in deeply, and when he spoke his voice was so low Eileen barely heard what he was saying. ‘The last time I saw Mick, he was being dragged away by two guards after they’d beat him nearly senseless. I never saw him again after that, and neither did anyone else. He was one of the many who disappeared mysteriously, without any explanation.’ Bill shivered as though someone had walked across his grave. ‘But Mick’s screams as they were dragging him away have been ringing in my head ever since that day. And I think they’ll be with me until the day I die.’ His eyes pleaded with Eileen for understanding. ‘That’s why I can’t stand it when the girls laugh and scream.’
Eileen held him in her arms. ‘Oh, Bill, I’d do anythin’ to take all this hurt away from yer, yer know that don’t yer?’ She rocked him like a baby. ‘But I promise yer, sunshine, that together, we’ll come through this.’ When Bill’s sobbing eased, Eileen struggled to her feet. ‘Come on, let’s go to bed. Tomorrow’s another day, and I know every day’s goin’ to get a bit better from now on.’
Chapter Twelve
‘There’s no weekend overtime, Eileen!’ Harry watched the smile fade from the chubby face. ‘They’re slowing production right down!’
‘Blimey, Harry, just when I need the money more than ever! I knew it was bound to ’appen sooner or later, but I was ’oping the work would last until Bill was fit enough to find a job.’ Eileen pushed the turban back out of her eyes. ‘It’s my money we rely on! Bill got a few bob when ’e was discharged, but that won’t last very long, and all he’ll get now is peanuts! And when our Billy starts work, his money won’t go very far. By the time I give ’im his pocket money, pay ’is bus fares an’ carry out, there’ll be nowt left!’
‘You should be all right for another six months’ work here,’ Harry said to reassure her. ‘Even though they’re running production down, it’ll be a while before they shut down completely. And a lot of women are asking for their cards already, so I can’t see them having to sack anyone till the factory closes altogether.’
‘Oh, that’s a blessing!’ Eileen mopped her brow. ‘For a while there I thought we were goin’ to end up on the parish!’
‘Oh, by the way,’ Harry watched her face closely. When he’d told Mary yesterday that Eileen wasn’t her usual chirpy self, Mary had insisted on going to see her today. Harry wasn’t too sure that was wise, and he waited now for Eileen’s reaction. ‘Mary said she might pop up and see you this afternoon.’
‘Great!’ Eileen beamed. ‘Tell ’er I’ll ’ave the kettle on!’
‘Yer’ve ’eard me mention Mary Sedgemoor, ’aven’t yer?’ Eileen asked as she bustled round tidying up. ‘Well, she’s comin’ this afternoon, so yer better behave yerself.’ She bent to wag a finger under Bill’s nose. ‘She’s a crackin’ lookin’ girl, so keep yer eyes in yer ’ead, an’ yer ’ands in yer pockets! Okay?’
‘Yes, boss!’ Bill still didn’t feel up to meeting strangers, but he didn’t have the heart to disappoint Eileen. She was doing her best, God knows, but he needed more time. More time to forget, more time to gain back a feeling of self-respect, and more time to gain some confidence.
Eileen leaned on the brush handle. ‘An’ ’er ’usband’s bigger than you!’
Maggie popped her head round the kitchen door. ‘You could always stand in front of Bill! If Harry hit you, he’d bounce off!’
‘Ho, ho! Very funny, Mother dear!’ Like her mother, Eileen felt as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. The gloomy atmosphere that had pervaded the house over the last weeks had been partially lifted. There was still a long wa
y to go, but the start had been made. Even the secret that Bill had shared with her last night couldn’t dim her happiness. It was just another hurdle they’d cross together.
‘Bill, my sweet one,’ Eileen’s posh accent came into play, ‘would you mind very much moving your feet, so hi can brush hunder them? Thank you hever so much!’
‘Cooeee!’
‘Here’s me mate now, so get ready for an eyeful!’ Eileen whispered, before calling, ‘Come in, Mary!’ She rushed to the kitchen to put the brush away and when she came back the first thing that hit her was the look of bewilderment and shock on Mary’s face as she stood uncertainly by the door looking at Bill.
‘This is the feller yer’ve been fed up ’earing about for the last five years! He’s lost a bit of weight since ’e went away, but he’s still as ’andsome as ever!’ Eileen kept on talking to cover up the tension as she introduced her best mate to Bill.
Eileen wasn’t joking, was Bill’s first thought, Mary certainly is a lovely girl. And when she turned her shy smile on him, he knew instinctively that she was as gentle and modest as her smile. She and Eileen were as different as chalk and cheese in every respect, but it was obvious they were very fond of each other.