by Joan Jonker
‘Oh dear, yer ’ave got problems, ’aven’t yer, Arthur? Did yer tell Bill all this?’
Arthur nodded. ‘I didn’t intend to, but when we got talking it all just came out. And at least he knows now that there are people with bigger problems than his.’
‘It’s going to be easier sortin’ his problems out than it is yours, I can tell yer that for nothin’!’ There was determination in Eileen’s voice. ‘He’s got no troubles on the home front like you ’ave.’ A loud sigh escaped her lips. ‘I wish I could ’elp yer, Arthur, honest, but there’s not much anyone can do.’
‘Don’t worry, you’ve got enough on your plate.’ Arthur managed a smile. ‘I’ll sort myself out all in good time.’
‘Don’t forget yer comin’ for dinner, will yer? I’ll be puttin’ an extra spud in the pan for yer!’
‘I’ll look forward to it, and I won’t forget to bring a joke with me, either!’
‘Ta-ra, then, Arthur! See yer next week!’
When Arthur was halfway down the street, Eileen bawled after him, ‘Yer’d better bring a few jokes, ’cos there’s not many I ’aven’t heard!’
Chapter Fifteen
Eileen rested her elbows on the table, her hands wrapped around a cup of tea. She’d just finished washing the dinner dishes and when she’d had five minutes’ rest she intended tackling the mound of dirty clothes left on the kitchen floor. Her feet were tired and for a fleeting moment she gave way to one of her fantasies. This one consisted of a fairy godmother, complete with a magic wand in her hand, standing in the back kitchen. With one wave of her silver wand the dirty clothes disappeared, and in the blink of an eyelid they turned up, all washed and ironed, in a neat stack on the sideboard.
Eileen grinned into the tea cup. Wishful thinking, my dear, she told herself. Then answered, ‘Yeah, but wouldn’t it be lovely?’
Her eyes slewed to the couch where Bill sat reading the Echo. He’d been home three months now, and what a lot had happened in that three months! The war in Japan was over, and although the celebrations hadn’t been as big as the ones for VE day, the people had still taken to the streets to celebrate what the Government had called VJ day.
Nearly all the servicemen were back on civvie street, with only small units left in what were the occupied countries. Factories that had been taken over to produce armaments were now being converted to produce goods for the home market. Rationing was still as tight, but more could be had on the black market if you had the money to pay for it. The spivs were still raking in the money, but they weren’t very popular now, especially with the returning servicemen who felt strongly about spivs making money out of the war when they’d been out fighting for their country.
Many of the women Eileen had worked with had left the factory, and half the conveyor belts had been shut down completely. It wasn’t the same without all the old crowd, and Eileen didn’t half miss them. Maisie, Ethel, Sadie … all of them gone! And Jean Simpson had left last month to marry her American, and she’d gone to live in the States.
Eileen sighed inwardly. She’d pack in work tomorrow if she could, but without her money they’d be living from hand to mouth. So it was Hobson’s choice! Through lowered lids, Eileen surveyed Bill. He looked a different man to the one who’d walked through the door that day three months ago. He’d put some weight back on, and his face had filled out and lost that sickly yellow look. But although his health had improved, and the nightmares were less frequent, he was still more quiet and withdrawn than the Bill she’d married. It was as if he was frightened of showing any affection, and when she tried to get near him, he didn’t respond.
‘Any news, love?’
Bill lowered the paper. ‘I can’t believe it! D’you know that Britain and America are giving money to Germany to help them build up their country again? They want bloody shooting!’ Bill swearing was an indication of the anger he felt. ‘Why the hell should we help them? They start a war, kill thousands of people, blow this country to pieces, and we want to give them money! They must have lost the run of their senses! Who’s going to pay to build this country up again?’
‘The world’s cock-eyed!’ Eileen agreed. ‘We’re still on rations, but they can find food for our enemies! I can understand them ’elping the likes of Holland and Belgium, ’cos they’ve ’ad a tough time, but I’m blowed if I can understand why we should ’elp Germany!’
‘Because we’re stupid, that’s why! Anyone would think we started the war!’ Bill rustled the paper. ‘I’ll bet any money that Germany is built back up again before we are. They lost the war, but they’ll win the bloody peace, you mark my words!’
‘Here’s our Billy!’ Eileen smiled when her son walked in. ‘Well, ’ow did work go, son?’
‘We’ve been busy.’ Billy turned to his father. ‘How’ve you been today, Dad?’
‘All right, son!’ Bill thought young Billy grew taller every day. He was only fourteen but must be nearly six foot tall. And in his dirty, navy blue overalls, he looked older than his years. ‘You know, if you grow any taller, you’ll not get through the door!’
‘I’m taller than most of the men in work,’ Billy’s chest swelled with pride, ‘they call me Lofty!’
‘Your dinner’s keepin’ hot between two plates on a pan,’ Eileen told him, ‘but get yerself out of those filthy overalls before yer even think of sittin’ down.’
When Billy had gone to wash and change, Eileen grinned at Bill. ‘Thinks he’s the pig’s ear, since ’e started work. Gives the girls a dog’s life, ’as them runnin’ round after ’im as though he was lord and master. But ’e gives them a couple of coppers every week when he gets ’is money, so they don’t mind.’
‘He’s a good lad,’ Bill said. ‘He never forgets to ask how you feel, or if you want any messages.’
‘He’s not mean, either. He ’as to pay ’is fares out of the seven and six a week he gets pocket money, so ’e doesn’t ’ave that much left! But he still buys you a packet of ciggies, me a bar of chocolate, and gives the girls a couple of coppers.’ Eileen chuckled. ‘Wait till the girls are workin’, an’ you an’ me can sit back and live the life of Riley!’
‘I’ll just be glad when you can pack in work.’ Seeing his wife going out to work was a source of worry to Bill. He was supposed to be the man of the house, and it should be him going out to fend for his family.
‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ Eileen lied. ‘Anyway, it’s not hard work … it’s a doddle, really!’
‘Just the same, it’s not right. As soon as I feel up to it, I’ll get out and find a job, then you can stay home where a wife should be.’
Eileen stared into the now empty tea cup. Just you get better, Bill, that’s all I ask. I’ll willingly scrub my fingers to the bone, as long as you get better.
‘Feel like coming for a pint, Bill?’ Alan asked. He and Rene called at least once a week, and for the last four weeks he’d managed to persuade Bill to go out for half an hour to the pub round the corner.
Maggie had gone to the first house at the Walton Vale picture house, Billy was out with his friends, and the girls were playing in the street. So when Bill and Alan left, Eileen and Rene had the house to themselves. It was the first time the sisters had been on their own for months, and over a cup of tea, they brought each other up-to-date with local gossip and family news.
Eventually the conversation came round to Bill. ‘I must say Bill’s looking a lot better,’ Rene said. ‘Each time I see him he seems to have filled out a bit more.’
‘Seein’ ’im every day, I don’t see the change as much as you do, but, yeah, he ’as put weight on.’
‘And is he all right in himself?’ Rene asked. ‘Are things working out for you?’
Eileen cast her eyes down. No, things weren’t working out, but it wasn’t something she could talk about. Then an argument raged in Eileen’s head. Why couldn’t she talk about it? It was nothing to be ashamed of! And, if she couldn’t confide in her sister, then who could she confide in?
‘There is something, our kid, but I don’t know ’ow to tell yer.’ Eileen’s face was red with embarrassment. ‘Bill would do ’is nut if ’e thought I’d told yer, so give me your word of honour it’ll go no further … not even to Alan!’
‘I promise,’ Rene said. ‘Now spit it out, kid!’
‘I don’t know ’ow to put it, ’cos it’s so personal.’ Eileen played with the handle of her cup. Could she do it? Then she thought of all those sleepless nights, and blurted out, ‘He can’t make love!’
Eileen looked up expecting to see surprise on Rene’s face, instead she saw understanding and compassion.
‘Oh, our kid!’ Rene shook her head. ‘Why didn’t you mention it before, I could have told you you’re not on your own! A lot of soldiers came back from the war impotent. Especially those who were in prisoner of war camps.’
Eileen’s mouth gaped. ‘Go way!’
‘What they went through made them like that. I know because Alan has seen a lot of them, and he told me. They suffered humiliation and degradation, and because they had to put up with it, couldn’t fight back, they felt like cowards.’ Rene stretched across and touched Eileen’s arm. ‘Why didn’t you tell me before now! I could have told you all this and you would have understood! It’ll take time, but eventually Bill will be all right.’
‘Yer mean it’s not something permanent? That he will get back to bein’ normal?’
Rene nodded. ‘Of course he will.’
‘Oh, God, our kid, yer don’t know ’ow worried I’ve been. I thought ’e didn’t love me any more!’ Eileen felt a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. ‘Now I know, I can put up with anythin’!’
‘Seeing as we’re baring our souls, I may as well tell you the lot.’ Rene gave a half smile. ‘I went through the same thing with Alan.’
Eileen gasped. ‘Yer never did! I bet yer only sayin’ that to make me feel better!’
‘Eileen, if I never move from this table again, that’s the God’s honest truth! When Alan came out of hospital, before he had his artificial arm fitted, he wouldn’t let me near him. He was so ashamed, he wouldn’t even get undressed in front of me. And I felt the same as you … I thought he didn’t love me any more!’
When Eileen didn’t speak, Rene went on. ‘I was out of my mind too! I didn’t know where to turn. It went on for two months … two months of hell! Then Alan must have seen what it was doing to me, and he sat me down and explained that he loved me very much, but he wasn’t capable of making love. And once I understood, it made so much difference! Sex isn’t the be-all and end-all, and I didn’t mind as long as he loved me. Then, when he had his artificial arm fitted, I wouldn’t let him go to the bathroom to get undressed. I made him show me how he put the arm on, and I talked openly about it. And I must have done the right thing, because after a while he wasn’t embarrassed any more. Then, slowly, he regained his confidence, and nature took its course.’
‘Our Rene, yer don’t know what this means to me!’ Eileen was near to tears. ‘I must ’ave been bloody stupid not to have thought things out for meself! It’s taken me kid sister to make me see sense!’
‘It’s hard to see sense when your husband turns his back on you in bed, isn’t it, Eileen?’ When Rene saw Eileen’s eyebrows shoot up, she grinned. ‘Oh, yes, I went through that too. And so have thousands of other wives. But it will all come right in the end, if you go about it in the right way. Don’t try to rush things … just be kind and considerate, and, above all, patient!’
Rene wet her finger, ran it across her arched eyebrows. ‘If it helps, you can tell Bill what I’ve told you.’
‘Ooh, I couldn’t do that! Bill would ’ave kittens if ’e thought we’d been talkin’ about ’im!’
‘Please yourself, Eileen, but you might be doing Bill a big favour by telling him. He may be worrying, thinking there’s something wrong with him. If he knows there’s many more like him, and if you can talk about it openly, then he’ll know it’s not such a big thing. But it’s your life, so you must do as you think fit.’
‘I don’t think I could, kid! I ’aven’t got your way with words,’ Eileen pressed a finger in the fat of one of her hands, and watched as the dent filled out again. Almost without thinking, she found herself telling Rene about Arthur Kennedy and his wife. ‘It was when yer said to be kind, considerate and patient, that I thought of Arthur. His wife’s as hard as nails. Not much chance of her being kind or patient. I felt sorry for him before, but now I feel ten times more sorry.’
‘Eileen, you always try to take the world’s troubles on your shoulders. Think of yourself for a change, will you? Get yourself sorted out, then worry about the Arthurs of this world!’
Eileen straightened up and gave a mock salute. ‘Aye, aye, sir!’
It was then they heard Bill’s key in the door, and Eileen put a finger to her lips. ‘Ssssh! Not a word, our kid, please?’
Chapter Sixteen
There was a droop to Eileen’s shoulders as she watched the conveyor roll by. She couldn’t remember ever being so fed-up and downhearted in all her life. In fact she’d been happier when the war was on! For although she’d had the worry of Bill being a prisoner of war, at least she’d had her dreams and hopes to keep her going.
Eileen could feel her turban slipping over her ear, and she pushed it back impatiently. Since she’d had the perm her hair was a mass of frizz and she couldn’t keep the scarf straight even with six hair clips trying to anchor it down. She turned her head sideways and her eyes lit on the woman standing the other side of the conveyor. As though things weren’t bad enough without having to look at that misery guts five days a week. Apart from having a face like the back of a bus, Florrie Maskell had this terrible habit of re-arranging her false teeth every few seconds. And Eileen had to put up with her at break time, too, which was enough to give anyone the willies! If Florrie didn’t have a pain in some part of her body, then one of her family or neighbours did. She seemed to thrive on doom and gloom, and where Eileen used to look forward to break-time, now she dreaded it. She had enough problems of her own without listening to Florrie’s moans and groans. Florrie sensed Eileen’s scrutiny and waved, bringing a flush of shame to Eileen’s cheeks. She really shouldn’t be calling Florrie for everything because it wasn’t her fault Eileen felt so depressed. It was like kicking the cat when you had no one else to take your temper out on.
While she scratched at an itch in the region between her tummy and bust, Eileen decided she couldn’t remember a time when she felt less like smiling. And she was sure she’d never had a temper like she had now, which flared at the least thing. She was moody, unhappy and depressed, and wondered how long she could carry on with things the way they were before she exploded.
After her talk with Rene, Eileen had been full of hope. Her sister said it was nearly three months before Alan had been able to make love to her, and with this in mind, Eileen did everything Rene said she should. She’d been kind, compassionate and patient. But how much longer she could keep it up she didn’t know. She wanted her husband back. Wanted to feel his arms around her in bed, wanted to hear him tell her he loved her. She needed it to keep her sanity.
A sigh escaped Eileen’s lips. She felt like walking away from the conveyor putting her coat on and saying to hell with it. She’d done more than her share and she’d had enough. She was mentally and physically drained.
Eileen sniffed. There was a lump forming in her throat and tears were stinging the backs of her eyes. If she wasn’t careful she’d break down and make a fool of herself. ‘Snap out of it,’ she muttered under her breath, ‘and stop feeling sorry for yourself.’
But she found it harder to talk herself out of it today because there was an extra reason for her sadness. Harry Sedgemoor had gone for an interview for another job, and if he got it she’d be losing the only pal she had left in the factory.
Eileen could understand Harry wanting to find other employment before the factory closed down, but she would
n’t half miss him. He’d been part of her life for the last six years and the shop floor wouldn’t be the same without him.
Harry came to a halt a little way from the machine and stood for a while watching Eileen. She looked so down in the dumps it took some of the shine off his good spirits. Although she’d never said anything, Harry had known her too long not to notice the deterioration in Eileen. Her round fat face had lost its glow, she seemed to be losing weight, and her smile wasn’t so ready. She put on a very good act, but Harry wasn’t taken in by it. And because they were friends as well as work mates, he was worried about her.
Harry coughed to announce his approach. ‘I hope you haven’t been skiving while I’ve been away?’
Her smile forced, Eileen tried hard to put some enthusiasm into her voice. ‘Yer a cheeky bugger, Harry Sedgemoor! Who’s been keepin’ this place goin’ for the last six years? It certainly wasn’t you!’
‘Well, aren’t you going to ask me how I got on?’
Eileen eyed the dimple in Harry’s chin, and although her heart ached, she managed a smile. ‘Yer got the job, didn’t yer?’
‘I sure did! I start two weeks on Monday, as a supervisor.’
Eileen felt like lashing out at the moving shells, knocking them to the ground in one fell swoop. Instead she grunted, ‘If yer put yer ’and down a lavatory, yer’d come up with a gold watch, you would! An’ where is this job, might I ask?’
‘Napiers, on the East Lancs Road. They made aero engines during the war, but now they’re turning part of the factory over to making electrical goods for the home market and abroad.’ Harry’s excitement came over in his voice. ‘I passed the interview with flying colours, and the man even said that when the factory is organised properly, they’ll be looking for men with my experience for managers.’