by Joan Jonker
Eileen ran a hand through her frizzy hair. ‘I’m fed up, Bill! There must be more to life than just bed an’ work!’ She leaned her elbows on her knees and looked him in the eyes. ‘How about comin’ into town with me on Saturday? Christmas is not that far off, an’ we could look for somethin’ for the kids’ presents.’
‘You know how I hate going into town, chick! You’d be better going on your own, you’d get round quicker.’
‘Bill, yer’ve been ’ome six months, an’ the furthest yer’ve been is the Vale and Walton Road! Apart from doin’ you good to get out, don’t yer think I’d like to go out with me ’usband now an’ again?’
Bill cast his eyes down. ‘All right, chick, if that’s what you want, we’ll go to town on Saturday.’
Eileen walked down the street, her arm linked through Bill’s, her face creased in a wide smile as she waved and shouted greetings to neighbours who were standing at their front doors. She felt on top of the world. And Bill looked good, too. He was still thinner than he used to be, and of course his white hair made him look older, but to Eileen he looked very handsome in his demob suit. It was like old times waiting at the bus stop, then being helped aboard by her husband. And on the journey into the city she kept the conversation going, pointing out bomb damage and the boarded-up shops. ‘But I see all the Mary Ellens are back! Look!’ Eileen’s head turned each time they passed one of the side streets off County Road and Rice Lane, to where the barrow women stood with their carts full of vegetables. They were part of Liverpool, with their long black skirts and black woollen shawls. And their voices, singing out ‘two lemons for a penny’, or ‘here y’are, love, carrots penny a pound’, added a bit of colour to the busy area. When they stepped off the bus in Clayton Square, Bill grabbed hold of Eileen’s arm. But she was too busy waiting for a break in the traffic to notice the fear on his face. Pushing her way through the crowds of people, and pulling Bill behind her, Eileen didn’t stop until they were outside Reeces. Only then did she notice how pale his face was. ‘Are yer all right, love?’
Bill struggled inwardly to get a grip of himself. How did you explain that even after being home for six months, he couldn’t forget those five years of being caged in by barbed wire, when the only people you saw were your comrades and the prison guards. He wasn’t ready yet to mingle with the hordes of shoppers in the centre of Liverpool, not without the past coming back to haunt him.
Eileen looked concerned. Perhaps she’d done the wrong thing, making Bill come with her. ‘I know, let’s go in ’ere an’ ’ave a cup of tea and a toasted teacake, eh? Yer used to like comin’ to Reeces, didn’t yer?’
Bill followed Eileen up the steps to Reeces self-service cafeteria. He felt faint and his heart was thumping like mad. But he was determined he wasn’t going to let Eileen down. She’d been so looking forward to this, he wasn’t going to disappoint her. God knows, she got little enough out of life as it was.
It was crowded in the cafeteria and all the tables were occupied, but Eileen wasn’t to be put off. Bill looked as though he needed to sit down, and she stood by the entrance till she saw two people gather their shopping up. ‘There’s a table, Bill!’ Eileen pushed her way forward and beat another couple to the table. She’d have been prepared to fight for it with Bill looking so pale. ‘You sit down, love, an’ I’ll go to the counter.’
The table was near a mirror, and as Eileen slipped her coat off, she caught sight of herself. She closed her eyes to shut out the vision of this huge woman, in a navy and white spotted dress, who looked as big as an elephant. Although she was hot and sweaty, Eileen hastily put the coat back on and made her way to the queue formed at the counter.
All the joy had gone from the day now. It’s no wonder Bill doesn’t fancy me, Eileen thought as the queue moved forward slowly. No man would fancy someone as big and fat as me.
When her turn came, Eileen ordered a pot of tea and two toasted teacakes. Her actions automatic, she loaded the plates and cups on to the tray she’d picked up at the end of the counter, and paid her money to the girl at the till. And as she walked back to the table she wished she could shrivel up inside her navy edge to edge coat. It was with difficulty she swallowed the teacake which tasted like straw, and feeling that every eye in the crowded cafe was on her, she couldn’t wait to get out of the place.
‘Are you all right?’ Bill asked. ‘You’ve gone very quiet.’
‘I’m fine!’ Eileen lied. ‘Got to give me mouth a rest sometime, yer know.’
Outside on the pavement, Bill asked, ‘Where to now?’
‘We’ll ’ave a look round the shops, eh? I see most of them ’ave been done up ready for Christmas.’
Eileen walked by Bill’s side, making no effort to link arms. Her brain was filled with wild thoughts. He’s probably ashamed to be seen out with me! Who’d want a wife built like a battleship?
Bill looked sideways and thrust his arm out, ‘Stick your leg in, chick!’
‘Yer don’t want me ’anging on to yer! I’ll wear yer into the ground!’
‘Don’t be ridiculous! Stick yer leg in in case we get split up in the crowd.’ Bill waited for the feel of Eileen’s arm and squeezed. ‘That’s better! I wouldn’t be able to find the way home on my own. It’s so long since I was down here, and Liverpool’s changed that much, I’d get lost.’ Bill was puzzled. Eileen had been full of life one minute, then down in the mouth the next. He couldn’t make it out. He couldn’t understand what had happened to make her change, but change she certainly had. And all in the space of minutes.
They wandered round the shops that had escaped the bombing of the May blitz, but Eileen had lost interest. When Bill pointed out a book that he thought Joan would like in her Christmas stocking, Eileen mumbled that she’d come back another time and get it. ‘Me feet are killing me,’ she told him. ‘Let’s make tracks for ’ome.’
‘Don’t you want to buy something for yourself?’ Bill asked. ‘Let me treat you to a present?’
Eileen looked away. Money can’t buy the only present I’d like right now, she thought. And that’s to be nice and slim, so I could wear a glamorous nightie and make yer fancy me. ‘Not today, Bill, but ta very much. Yer can buy me something next time we come down, but I’m not in the mood right now.’
They stood at the bus stop, never a word between them. Bill racked his brains for something to say that would bring a smile to his wife’s face, but he’d never known her like this and didn’t know how to cope. They sat in silence on the journey home, and it was only when they were walking up their street he thought of something that might open her up. ‘I thought Vera was going to bring her husband round when he was on leave? His two weeks must be nearly over by now.’
Eileen shrugged. ‘He goes back on Monday, so she might bring ’im round temorrer. If she doesn’t, I won’t lose any sleep! I’ve never liked Danny an’ I never will.’
Chapter Nineteen
‘Oh, I forgot to tell you when you got home from town yesterday, our Rene and Alan came with Victoria.’ Maggie wasn’t going to say she hadn’t forgotten at all. It was the sight of Eileen looking so dejected and moody that had put her off. And her daughter wasn’t much better today. She was quiet, and she’d hardly touched any of her dinner. She’d expected them to come home talkative and loaded with Christmas shopping, but they came back empty-handed and barely speaking. Eileen’s excuse was that she had a headache, and the same excuse took her to bed early leaving Maggie and Bill listening to a play on the wireless. Maggie did think of asking Bill what was wrong, but decided against it. Better to leave man and wife to sort out their own affairs.
‘Are they all right?’ Eileen settled on the couch, leaving a wide space between her and Bill, while Maggie made for her small arm chair under the window. She smoothed the cloth covering the small table at the side of her, and fingered the embroidery which she’d spent hours working on before her husband died. Never a day passed when she didn’t look at the cloth and think of the man she’d adored
, who was taken from her in the prime of his life.
‘Victoria’s got a cold,’ Maggie answered, ‘but apart from that they’re fine.’
‘Victoria’s always got a cold, but it’s their own fault! They’re terrified of the wind blowin’ on ’er, so consequently she catches cold at the least thing.’ Eileen tried to dislodge a piece of meat stuck between her back teeth. ‘If they ’ad a couple more kids, they wouldn’t ’ave so much time to fuss over Victoria an’ she’d come on like a house on fire.’
Bill tutted. ‘That’s their business, chick, not ours.’
‘Oh, God, ’ere we go again! Can’t I …’ Eileen’s words were cut off by the rat-tat on the front knocker. ‘This will probably be Vera and Danny. Be an angel, Mam, and open the door for us.’
But there was no Danny … only Vera and Carol. ‘Where’s your feller?’
Eileen shuffled forward to the edge of the couch and gathered Carol in her arms. ‘I thought he’d be with yer.’
‘He got the early train back to camp this morning.’ Vera averted her eyes. ‘I thought you might be expecting us, that’s why I’ve come to tell you.’
Carol struggled from Eileen’s bear-like grip and rushed to Bill, showering his face with kisses. ‘Uncle Bill!’
‘Yer want to watch this daughter of yours,’ Eileen grinned, ‘she likes the men too much!’
‘She doesn’t take after her mother then.’ Vera hovered near the door, her anxious eyes on Carol. ‘Don’t let her make a nuisance of herself, Bill.’
‘For cryin’ out loud, Vera, will yer relax! Park yer backside down an’ make yerself at ’ome.’ Eileen noted Vera’s jerky movements and the darting eyes. She certainly didn’t look like a woman who had had her husband home for two weeks after a two-year separation. Mind you, Eileen pulled a face, I don’t suppose I do, either! Oh, well, it’s a hard life if you don’t weaken! ‘We expected yer to call while Danny was ’ome,’ Eileen broke the silence. ‘What ’appened?’
‘Well, you know what it’s like! He was out every day visiting his parents and going to see his old mates at the dock. The time just flew over.’
Aye, Eileen thought, that’s all me eye and Paddy Martin! I bet he’s spent the whole time in the boozer, like he always did. And I’ll lay odds that he never took you or Carol over the door. But this was no time for saying what she thought … not with Vera looking so miserable and Bill sitting there all ears. ‘Were the boys glad to see him?’
‘He didn’t half get a shock when he saw them.’ Vera managed a weak smile. ‘They’re both taller than him now.’
‘An’ did Carol remember ’im?’
Vera shook her head. ‘He’s been away too long.’
‘D’you want a cuppa, Vera?’ Maggie put her hands on the arms of the chair and pulled herself up. ‘I’ll make us all one.’
Another rat-tat at the door brought Maggie back from the kitchen. ‘Who can that be now?’
‘Mam, if I ’ad eyes that could see through brick and wood, I’d be earnin’ a fortune on the stage.’ Eileen lumbered to her feet. ‘Just put another cup of water in the kettle while I go an’ see who it is.’
But Maggie stayed put until she heard Eileen greet Arthur Kennedy, then she retreated to the kitchen to add more water to the kettle.
‘Hello, Bill, Vera!’ Arthur raised his voice. ‘Good afternoon, Maggie!’ Maggie’s head popped round the door. ‘I’ll swear you can smell a cup of tea a mile away.’
‘That’s all I come for!’ Arthur chuckled. ‘You make the best cuppa in Liverpool.’
‘Sit down, Arthur.’ Bill took Carol on his knee to make room. ‘Say hello to my little friend.’
‘Hello, sweetheart.’ Arthur bent to kiss the upturned, smiling face. ‘I wondered if you’d like to come for a pint, Bill?’
‘Course ’e would!’ Eileen spoke before Bill could answer. ‘Yer’ve got an hour before the pub closes.’
Maggie appeared, hands on her hips. Her face was set in a frown, but there was laughter in her voice. ‘If my tea’s so good, why go for a pint?’
‘Well, I’ve worked it out so I can have the best of both worlds. I can go for a pint with Bill, then come back for a cup of your delicious brew.’
Carol kicked up a fuss when Bill and Arthur went out, so Eileen called the girls in from the entry where they were having a game of tag. ‘Take Carol up to the corner shop for some sweets, then when yez come back yez can go upstairs and play till yer dad gets back.’
When the girls came back their lips were black from the liquorice sticks they’d bought. But for once Eileen didn’t complain. She gathered their games together and sent them upstairs to play in their bedroom. It was then Maggie pleaded tiredness and said she’d go and lie down for an hour. It was an excuse to leave the two women alone so they could talk in private. It didn’t take a blind man to see they both had things on their minds, and they’d talk more openly without her there.
Maggie, with the wisdom of her years, was right. As soon as they were alone, Eileen sat at the dining table and pointed to the chair opposite. ‘Park where I can see yer, Vera! I’ve got a kink in me neck an’ I’m goin’ cross-eyed tryin’ to see yer.’
They faced each other across the table, and Eileen grinned. ‘Now, let’s have it, kid! I gather from yer clock that Danny’s leave wasn’t all sunshine an’ roses.’
Vera closed her eyes, her shoulders sagging. ‘He’s not changed, Eileen. It was all a show he put on before he went in the army. I thought it was too good to be true, but I went along with it for the sake of the children. Anything for a quiet life, that’s me, fool that I am.’
‘What happened while ’e was on leave?’
‘I didn’t see that much of him! He was out every day as soon as the pubs opened and I didn’t see him again until nearly midnight!’
‘Yer mean he never took yer anywhere?’
‘He never took any of us over the door! Not that that worried me, because I didn’t want to go out with him. But I was upset and angry that he never bothered with the children.’ Vera blinked rapidly. ‘I hate him, Eileen! God forgive me, but I hate him. The only time he bothered to even talk to me was when he was cadging money off me to go boozing with his cronies.’
‘The bastard!’ Eileen clenched her fists. ‘Yer mean he never kisses yer, or says nice things to yer?’
‘Danny’s never said nice things to me, Eileen. He’s always been the same. He’d come in from the pub, rotten drunk, wake me up if I was asleep, take what he wanted without a by-your-leave, then turn over and go to sleep. Never one word of love or affection would ever cross his lips. And I used to put up with it because I didn’t want the kids upset. I put up with all the beatings as well, because of the kids.’ Vera blew out a deep sigh. ‘Remember that time Harry caught him giving me a beating, and Harry took him outside and belted him one? Well I swore then that Danny Jackson would never lay a hand on me or the kids again.’
‘He’s never ’it yer again, ’as he?’
Vera sat still for a while, then, slowly, she undid the buttons of her blouse and whipped away the silky scarf she’d had tied around her neck. She slipped the blouse off her shoulder to reveal red and blue ugly bruises running from her neck to her breasts, and across her shoulders. ‘This is a bit of Danny’s work!’
‘Oh, my God!’ Eileen gasped, ‘what did ’e do that for?’
‘Because I resisted his amorous advances.’ Vera buttoned up her blouse and re-tied the scarf. ‘He came in rotten drunk every night, stinking of beer and cigarette smoke. I wouldn’t let him touch me, just having him next to me made me feel sick. But you don’t say “no” to Danny Jackson and get away with it, as you’ve just seen.’
‘I’d bloody kill ’im if I could get me ’ands on ’im!’ Eileen pounded the table. ‘Why didn’t yer come round ’ere, kid? If I’d of known, I’d ’ave gone and sorted ’im out meself, or told Harry. Harry would ’ave given ’im what for, that’s for sure!’
‘No, I’m not getting m
y friends involved. Even the kids don’t know about this,’ Vera pointed to her neck, ‘and I’m not going to tell them.’
‘But they must ’ave ’eard yer fightin’,’ Eileen said, ‘they only sleep in the next room.’
‘I don’t think so, ’cos our Colin would have come in if he’d heard. I didn’t scream out or anything, I just suffered in silence. And d’you know what, Eileen?’ Vera cupped her face in her hands. ‘I wasn’t even frightened! I was so determined that Danny wasn’t going to get what he wanted, he could have killed me before I gave in to him.’
‘I wish I’d known, Vera! I’d ’ave been round there like a shot if I’d known what ’e was doin’ to yer.’
‘I know you would, Eileen. But Danny Jackson is my problem, not yours. I’ll deal with him in me own way.’
‘What about when ’e gets demobbed? Yer’ll ’ave a hell of a life with him, then.’
‘If I had the money, I’d move house before he comes home. But without money, where would I go to? I can’t get a job because of Carol, and our Colin only brings home peanuts! Even when Peter starts work after he leaves school at Christmas, I couldn’t expect two young boys to keep me. I’d be making them grow up before their time, making old men of them. And I’m not going to do that.’ A ghost of a smile crossed Vera’s face. ‘Anyway, Danny might solve the problem for me! He told me a few times that if I wouldn’t give him what he wanted he’d find someone who would.’
‘He probably meant that as a threat, but if it was me I’d be hopin’ it was a promise,’ Eileen grunted, her fat face flushed with anger. ‘Of all the good men that got killed in the war, Danny Jackson ’ad to come through without a scratch. They say the devil looks after ’is own, an’ it’s bloody true!’
‘He might have come through the war without a scratch, but he hasn’t gone back off leave without one,’ Vera told her. ‘I didn’t just lie there letting him do this to me without retaliating, I can tell you! His back is scratched to pieces, and he’ll have to come up with some good excuses when his mates see him. He can’t say he bumped into a door, like he did when Harry gave him that black eye.’