by Amanda Harte
Dwight clenched his jaw. This was absurd. He was in an operating room where men’s lives depended on his skills. They needed his total concentration. He could not afford to be distracted, thinking of how beautiful Carolyn was or how sweet her lips had tasted. After all, he was a grown man, not a moonstruck youth.
“Forceps.” This time Dwight was careful to grab the instrument by the very end, as far from Carolyn’s fingers as was humanly possible. There! He was once more on an even keel. The little shock had been a momentary aberration, nothing more.
The rest of surgery was uneventful, as he and Carolyn worked to bind wounds and stave off infections. It was amazing, Dwight realized, how well they worked together. It was almost as if they choreographed their steps as carefully as the Castles, those dancers she kept talking about, did. Except for that one moment when he had reacted so oddly to her touch, they had functioned as a team, moving with precision, never faltering. It was, other doctors had told him, something they had never before seen. When he had first heard one of his colleagues’ comments, Dwight had wondered what had caused the difference. Now he knew. It was Carolyn. She was special.
“Are you ready for dinner?” he asked her when they were scrubbing their hands at the end of the day. Though he had tried to keep the thoughts at bay while they worked, there was no longer any reason to deny that he had been looking forward to spending some time with Carolyn. Her gentle humor would keep him laughing. Carolyn had told him that laughter healed. After yesterday and the way laughter had turned into something wonderful, something that healed him in ways he had never even dreamed possible, he now knew he wanted to laugh every day.
But Carolyn, it seemed, did not agree. She shook her head slowly. “I promised to visit Corporal Seymour,” she said.
Dwight raised an eyebrow. There was no reason she had to go to the wards now. “I stopped by this morning,” he told her. “The corporal is doing well.”
Though she nodded in acknowledgment of his assurance, it was clear that Carolyn was determined to make the visit now. And though she said nothing more, Dwight sensed that she was unwilling to dine with him today. It was, he tried to tell himself, understandable. After all, yesterday had been an extraordinary day for both of them. Perhaps she needed time to adjust to all that had happened.
“Would you like to join me on my rounds?” he asked when they had finished their shift in the operating theater the next day.
Carolyn gave him a little smile as she shook her head. “I need to write Ed a letter,” she said.
Ed. Of course. Dwight tried to quell his disappointment that writing a letter was more important than being with him … and the patients, of course. It was foolish to wish Carolyn were free. After all, it wasn’t as if Dwight wanted to marry her himself. Carolyn wouldn’t be the perfect doctor’s wife the way Louise would have been. Carolyn was too much of a distraction, and her impulsive actions would undoubtedly cause problems. Dwight was a man who liked his life neatly arranged; Carolyn would wreak havoc with that arrangement.
He knew that. But knowing that Carolyn was engaged to another man and that, even if she were not, she was not the woman for him, didn’t stop his mind from moving in unexpected directions. He thought about her during the day, and even sleep provided no respite from his fantasies. Last night he had dreamed of a woman coming out of a pleasant house. Though he had never seen the house before, somehow Dwight had known that it was his house, the one he had bought for his family. And when he woke, he realized that it was Carolyn he had seen leaving the house, her backward glance telling him that she lived there, too. It was foolish, of course, to have dreams like that, for they could never come true. Nevertheless, Dwight could not deny that he had awakened with a smile on his face after he had dreamed of sharing his life with Carolyn.
The sun was shining the next morning. It was, Dwight told himself, a good omen. Though she might dance in the rain, Carolyn loved sunshine. Surely she would agree to accompany him when he walked into Goudot. But she did not, and this time the reason she gave sounded like a feeble excuse.
It was not his imagination. The first two days, he had thought it merely coincidence that he and Carolyn were not in the dining room or the staff lounge at the same time. Now he knew that it was a deliberate move on her part. She was avoiding him. She could not avoid him in the operating theater, but she could—and did—ensure that they did not meet anywhere else.
Dwight frowned as he realized there was only one reason for her changed behavior. The kiss. It was as clear as today’s sky that she regretted it. He ought to regret it, too. After all, she was engaged to Ed. He had no business kissing another man’s fiancée. But, try though he might, Dwight could not regret the sweetest moment of his life.
Dwight was back from his excursion into Goudot. Carolyn made certain of that before she grabbed her cloak. The last thing she wanted to do was inadvertently meet him, when what she needed to do was to distance herself from him. It was supposed to be getting easier. By now she should have been able to relegate that one afternoon to its proper place, a tiny spot buried deep inside her memory. Carolyn had heard that memories faded with time. Unfortunately, try though she might to ignore it, this one wouldn’t be banished.
The rain that had stopped for a few hours began again, and that only made it worse. Though Carolyn had once dreaded rain, now she could not help smiling when it came, for the sight of rain triggered memories that she could not dismiss. Rain reminded her of Dwight. More than that, it reminded her of that magic afternoon when they had danced in the rain. The worst part was, she didn’t need rain to bring that scene to the forefront of her mind. No, indeed. Each night she dreamed of Dwight and how wonderful it had felt to be held in his arms. Each night, they were dancing. And each night she relived the kiss they had shared. It was wrong. Carolyn knew that. She was engaged to Ed. She loved Ed, and Dwight was … just a friend.
Carolyn furled her umbrella and shook it before she entered the candy store. She had come into town to buy something for Ed. Though she had tried her best to make her correspondence cheerful, his last letters had seemed so filled with foreboding that she wanted to do something special to help boost his spirits.
“I’ll take some of that.” Carolyn pointed to a tray of licorice. When she mailed it to Ed, she would remind him of how they used to sneak pieces from his mother’s candy jar, forgetting that—unless they were very careful—they would have sticky residue on their fingers and mouths that would betray their theft. Ed would laugh. At least she hoped he would.
As she paid for the candy, Carolyn spotted the display of tinned toffees. Though she had worried about his reaction, Dwight had been visibly pleased by the gift. How he had laughed when he’d seen the dancing couple on the lid! Carolyn smiled at the memory, then bit her lip. Thinking of Dwight was like a disease, and no matter what she did, she seemed unable to find the antidote. She had to! Somehow she had to stop the memories. It wasn’t right that everything she saw or did reminded her of times she and Dwight had spent together. She couldn’t continue to live this way, torn between her traitorous memory and her sense of honor.
When she returned to the hospital, Carolyn went to the wards. Though she no longer performed any of the aides’ functions, she enjoyed visiting the men. Sometimes she would write letters for them, but most often she would find three who would play a game of Parcheesi with her. For men like Corporal Seymour who were confined to their beds, the game seemed to provide a welcome respite from staring at the ceiling.
“Where’s the doc?” Corporal Seymour asked as Carolyn opened the Parcheesi board and pulled out the markers.
“Yeah,” the man in the next bed chimed in. “We don’t see him with you any more.”
Carolyn kept a smile fixed on her face. There was no point in telling the men that she was deliberately distancing herself from Dwight, that that was the only hope she had of ending those all too disturbing dreams. “Our schedules are different now,” she said as calmly as she could. Thank goodnes
s her voice did not quaver. Carolyn knew her cheeks were flushed, but perhaps the men would not notice. It was annoying that the mere thought of Dwight made her heart flutter and brought a flush to her face.
Corporal Seymour shook his head as if he recognized the lie. “C’mon, Nurse Carolyn. You can’t fool us. I reckon you and the doc had a lovers’ spat.” A lovers’ spat! Carolyn’s face felt so hot that she was certain it was as bright as a strawberry. A lovers’ spat, indeed! Preposterous!
Though Carolyn said nothing, Corporal Seymour adopted a stern expression. “Take my advice. You better kiss and make up.”
Kiss Dwight? That was the last thing Carolyn would do. Once was enough. Once was more than enough. Carolyn glared at the men. She thought they were her friends; instead, they had turned into tormentors, teasing her with images of things that could never be.
When Carolyn remained silent, the second patient chuckled. “’Course,” he said, “if you’re lookin’ for a new fella, I’d be mighty glad to volunteer my services.”
This conversation had gone on too long. Carolyn handed the dice to the corporal, hoping he’d take the hint and start playing. Instead, he turned to his partner, “Shucks, Fred. We ain’t got a chance. Can’t you see she’s still wearing that ring?”
Though she had hoped that the men would tire of the subject, it seemed that they needed to be reminded of the true situation. “I’ve told you that I’m engaged to a soldier. He’s from my hometown, and his name is Ed.”
“Does Ed know how you and the doc moon over each other?”
Carolyn shook her head in denial. “Dr. Hollins and I are friends. That’s all.” Of course it was.
The man named Fred gave her a piercing look. “Didn’t your granny tell you it was wrong to lie? C’mon, Nurse Carolyn. We may be wounded, but we ain’t blind.”
Carolyn stared at the two men, horrified. It had been one thing when they had hummed “The Wedding March.” Though that had bothered her more than it had Dwight, she had still thought it harmless entertainment. But that had been before. Before the dance. Before the kiss. Before the dreams. Now, it appeared, the situation was out of control.
She couldn’t deny that she thought of Dwight far too often. She didn’t moon over him the way Corporal Seymour claimed. Of course she didn’t. But she couldn’t deny that Dwight played a starring role in her dreams and her thoughts. If that was obvious to the men, who else had seen it? The staff? Carolyn shuddered. Then, as an even more frightening thought crossed her mind, she could feel the blood drain from her face. Did Dwight know? Carolyn shuddered again, then straightened her shoulders. She knew what she had to do. No matter how painful it might be, she could not let the situation continue.
“Are you certain, Carolyn?” Miss Pierce leaned across the desk, her expression indicating that she did not approve of Carolyn’s suggestion.
“Yes.” Though it might appear impulsive, Carolyn knew there was no alternative. When she had heard the soldiers talking, she had realized there was only one possible course of action. “I’m worried about my fiancé and my brother,” she said, rationalizing the decision she had made. “I want to be closer to them.”
The head nurse pursed her lips. “Are you sure that’s the only reason?”
Carolyn’s eyes widened. There was something in Miss Pierce’s tone that told Carolyn she knew that being closer to Ed and Theo was an excuse. If Carolyn had had any doubts, Miss Pierce’s reaction would have squashed them. If her feelings were so obvious, Carolyn had no choice. She had to leave. She had to put a physical distance between herself and the reason for those traitorous thoughts.
“Yes,” she lied. “That’s the reason.”
Miss Pierce was silent for a long moment, staring at her steepled fingers. Then she raised her gaze to Carolyn’s and nodded. “If you’re certain that you want to leave, I’ll approve your transfer to a field hospital.” Miss Pierce’s eyes were solemn. “I won’t deny that we’ll miss you here. You’ve done what no other nurse was able to do, which is to satisfy Doctor Hollins. I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know, but I won’t stand in your way if you feel you can serve the men better at the front.”
“I do.” They were only two words, a simple response to Miss Pierce’s question. But as she heard herself pronouncing them, Carolyn’s mind transported her to a far different setting. For a second, she was no longer in the head nurse’s office. Instead Carolyn pictured herself in a church, her hand clasped in Dwight’s as she repeated those words in a very different context. Carolyn clenched her fists in frustration at the direction her thoughts had taken. There was no doubt about it. She had to leave.
“The transfer may take a few weeks,” Miss Pierce told her. “Until it comes through, you can always change your mind.”
“I won’t.” I can’t!
Chapter Ten
“I don’t believe you.” Helen looked up from her knitting, her brown eyes widening in surprise as Carolyn told her of her conversation with Miss Pierce. Helen had been ensconced in the rocking chair, her knitting needles clicking rhythmically, when Carolyn returned to their room. Though she still had told no one of her pregnancy and could not knit in the common rooms, lest someone guess her secret, Helen spent most evenings working on a layette.
“It’s true. I asked for a transfer to a field hospital.” Carolyn wrapped her arms around her middle, trying to stop the shivers that were wracking her body. A moment ago, she had felt as if she were burning with fever; now she was chilled. It must be something she had eaten. This odd feeling couldn’t possibly be the result of the decision she had made. There was no doubt she was doing the right—and the only—thing she could to cure the illness that had been plaguing her.
Laying down the tiny baby sweater that she was knitting, Helen stared at Carolyn. “You misunderstood me. I believe that you asked for the transfer. What I don’t believe is your reason.”
“That’s simple.” And it was, though that reason made Carolyn shiver again. “I’m worried about my brother and Ed. I want to be closer to the front in case something …” Her voice caught on the words, and she swallowed deeply before she said, “in case something happens to either of them.”
Though Carolyn hadn’t wanted to tell Helen her fears because Glen was also serving in the trenches, she worried about both Theo and Ed. Theo hadn’t repeated his fears about being in a bad situation, but his last few letters had seemed strained, as if he were concealing something. And Ed. Carolyn bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. She was afraid of what Ed might do.
I know I’m a hero to you, he had written, but I don’t feel like a hero. Carolyn, my dear, I want to do something to make a difference in this terrible war.
When she had received the letter, Carolyn had been horrified. No! she had shrieked. She had reached for a piece of paper, intending to write to Ed, imploring him not to do anything foolish. But before she could begin, a convoy of wounded had arrived, and she—like the rest of the staff—had spent the next three days working almost around the clock. By the time she was able to write to Ed, four days had passed.
“I’m worried about Ed and Theo,” she repeated.
“That’s what you say.” Helen’s expression reminded Carolyn of her mother’s when she had caught one of the children in a lie. Like Mama, Helen appeared disappointed and faintly hurt.
“It’s the truth,” Carolyn insisted. Admittedly, it was only part of the truth, but Helen didn’t need to know that. The fact was, she was worried because she had not heard from either Theo or Ed, and the reports from the front indicated that fighting was heavy.
Her roommate shook her head. “It’s bad enough that you’re lying to me. Don’t make it worse by lying to yourself.”
“What do you mean?” Carolyn shuddered again. Was it possible that everyone in the hospital knew of her traitorous thoughts and dreams about Dwight? She shouldn’t have been surprised. Though Helen had never said anything, if Miss Pierce and the patients believed Carolyn was, to use C
orporal Seymour’s words, mooning over Dwight, it was likely Helen had also guessed that Carolyn thought of Dwight far too often. That was one of the problems with the hospital. They all spent so much time together that there were few secrets.
Helen picked up her knitting and studied it for a moment before she looked up again. When her gaze met Carolyn’s, her eyes were serious. “It’s obvious to me that you’re in love with Dwight.”
In love! This was worse than being accused of mooning over him. The blood drained from Carolyn’s face, then rushed back again. “That’s not true,” she insisted. “Dwight is a friend.”
Helen raised an eyebrow. When she spoke, her clipped accent was more pronounced than normal, a sign of how deeply she felt. “You can tell me whatever you want, but in your heart, you know the truth.”
“The truth is that I love Ed.” Even to her own ears, Carolyn’s protest sounded weak.
Surprisingly, Helen did not appear to disagree, for she nodded. “I don’t doubt that.”
She probably should have let the subject die, but Carolyn could not, not when Helen had accused her of self-delusion. “If you believe that I love Ed, why are you insisting that I’m in love with Dwight?”
Helen slipped three stitches to a holder. It was only when she had completed the cable that she raised her eyes to meet Carolyn’s gaze. “As you said before, it’s simple. Loving someone and being in love with him are different.”
“What exactly do you mean?” Her sister Martha had spoken of being in love, but she had never made a distinction between love and being in love. Carolyn wanted to hear her friend’s explanation, for if there was ever a woman who was in love, it was Helen. Her face sparkled and her voice took on a special timbre whenever she spoke of Glen. Not even when she was a newlywed had Martha looked like that.