by Amanda Harte
And so was hers. But now as they approached the station in Goudot, it returned, more powerful than ever. Carolyn could taste it, and she could feel the way her heart thudded, pumping dread through her body. What if he … ? No! She wouldn’t think about that. She was doing what she had to do. Surely it would turn out all right.
“So what does your granny say about this hospital?” one of the men asked as the train began to slow for the station.
The train jerked, and Carolyn lost her balance. It was only by grabbing a pole that she managed to keep from falling onto the floor. When she was once more upright, she grinned at the man who’d asked the question. “I reckon she’d tell me to count my blessings that the hospital is stationary.”
The men laughed. One of them held up his hand and began to turn down each finger. “I’m counting my blessings,” he told another.
Though she made no outward sign, Carolyn was counting her blessings, too. They had arrived. Dwight was here. And maybe …
“Nurse Clothespin!” The orderly who met the train couldn’t hide his surprise. “I didn’t know you were coming back.”
Carolyn shrugged as she climbed down the iron stairs and helped a patient into one of the waiting wagons. It was only a short walk from the station to the hospital. If she started now, she could reach the hospital before the wagons were loaded with patients. She could see Dwight that much sooner. It was a tempting thought, but Carolyn would not desert the men she had cared for all night. “I just decided to come back yesterday,” she told the orderly. “I need to get these men to the operating theater.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
The sky had lightened almost imperceptibly as the train had approached Goudot. Now, though the day remained cloudy, it was officially dawn. Carolyn closed her eyes for a moment, remembering how Ed and Theo had described the pleasure of climbing out of the trenches each morning at dawn. Neither of them would see another dawn.
Carolyn forced a smile onto her face. Though there would always be an empty place in her heart caused by the loss of Theo and Ed, crying now would do no good and would only upset the men she had tried to cheer.
Think of the future, Carolyn, she admonished herself. Think of Dwight, she repeated as she accompanied the men to the operating theater. The man she thought about and dreamed about was intent on suturing a wound when Carolyn entered the room where they had spent so many hours together. She knew that look on his face. Until he had taken the final stitch, nothing short of an earthquake would attract his attention.
Holding a finger in front of her lips in the universal signal for silence, Carolyn tapped the assisting nurse on the shoulder. “Let me,” she mouthed. Though the woman’s eyes widened in surprise when she recognized Carolyn, she nodded and flashed Carolyn a conspiratorial grin.
“Another suture.” Dwight spoke without looking up, his hands moving with the grace and assurance Carolyn had always admired.
The operating room was filled with patients and staff. The clank of instruments against metal, the sounds of soft moans and firm commands, the smells of antiseptic and infection told Carolyn this was an ordinary morning. And yet it was not. For her, this was most definitely not an ordinary morning.
Carolyn felt her pulse accelerate. It would be only seconds before Dwight saw her. What would he do? Would he order her out of the operating room? It was possible after the way she had hurt him that he would not want to speak to her. Carolyn struggled to keep a smile on her face. She couldn’t give in to her fears. That would be another mistake.
Wordlessly, she handed Dwight the suture he had requested. Perhaps he recognized her hands. Carolyn wasn’t sure. All she knew was that something caused him to look up. She saw the recognition in his eyes and something else, a fire that she couldn’t identify. Was it anger? Or was it something else? Please, she prayed silently, let him not be angry. Let him still care. Let him … She took a deep breath, then allowed herself to think the words that had haunted her ever since she had told him good-bye the last time. Let him still love me.
When Dwight finished suturing the wound, Carolyn bandaged it as she had so many other wounds in the past. The lethargy that had plagued her at the field hospital was gone, replaced by an undeniable sense of excitement and accomplishment. Along with the pain of grief she carried everywhere, it also felt good to be back here, working with Dwight again.
As Carolyn prepped the next man for surgery, he gave her an imploring look. “Don’t let him take my arm.” The soldier gestured toward Dwight, who was studying his chart.
Carolyn managed a reassuring smile. “Doctor Hollins is the best. If anyone can save your arm, it’s him.” She kept her gaze on the patient’s face, willing him to believe her. Confidence and a positive attitude were powerful weapons in the healers’ arsenal. Perhaps if she could convince this man, she could also convince herself that today would have a happy ending.
“I bet you say that to everybody.”
Carolyn heard the doubt and fear mingled in the patient’s voice. “My granny taught me not to lie.” The small sound that came from Dwight’s direction might have been a snicker. Carolyn ignored it. What was important now was helping the man on the stretcher. “Granny said a liar was like a week-old fish.” As she had hoped, the man’s eyes, which had been clouded with apprehension, brightened at her analogy. “Everyone can smell it, and no one wants it around.”
This time, there was no doubt that Dwight was laughing. So, too, was the patient. “You sure don’t smell like no fish,” he said. “You smell better than a bunch of flowers, so I reckon you’re not lying.”
Carolyn made a mocking curtsey. “Thank you for the compliment, kind sir. Now, you just relax.” Although he did, she could not, for she knew what was ahead. While she wanted the shift to end so that she could talk to Dwight, at the same time Carolyn dreaded the prospect. What would she do if he refused her?
For the next few hours, she worked mechanically, handing Dwight the instruments he needed, joking with the patients when she could, trying desperately not to think of what she would say when the last of the men was treated. At times, she felt almost as if she had never left, but she had, and that made a difference. Though she and Dwight still worked well together, there was an undeniable distance between them that had not been there before.
Margaret was right. Carolyn had changed. They all had. Change didn’t have to be bad. Carolyn knew that, and yet she could not dismiss the fear that Dwight had changed so much that he no longer loved her. She wouldn’t think of that. Not now. What mattered now was helping Dwight save these men.
When the last patient was wheeled out of the operating theater, Carolyn turned to Dwight. “I need to talk to you.” To her chagrin, the words came out almost like a croak. She hadn’t realized how difficult it would be to pronounce such a simple sentence, but her throat had closed, refusing to let the sounds escape.
Though Dwight looked at her, she could read nothing in his expression. The hazel eyes that had haunted her dreams were hooded, and his lips were set in a straight line, neither frowning nor smiling. “Certainly,” he said. “Shall we go to the lounge?” He might have been speaking to a post for all the emotion he displayed.
In the past, they would have spoken as they walked through the hallway. Today they were silent. Carolyn’s heart was beating as fast as a hummingbird’s wings, making her wonder whether she would be able to force a word through her lips. Calm down, she admonished herself as she tried to keep her breathing deep and regular. She couldn’t give in to panic. Not now.
By some small miracle, the lounge was empty, and they moved instinctively, or so it seemed to Carolyn, to the chairs that they had occupied so many times in the past. When they were seated, Dwight leaned forward ever so slightly. His expression no longer inscrutable, she saw sympathy in his eyes. “I heard about your brother,” Dwight said gently. “I wish there were something I could say to ease your pain.”
Carolyn gripped the chair arms, trying to gather strength. Who woul
d have thought this would be so difficult? She had never dreamed that baring her heart would tax her physically as well as emotionally. “Theo’s not the reason I’m here.” She took a deep breath, exhaled, then took another. She didn’t expect Dwight to make this easy on her, not after the way she had rejected him, but Carolyn prayed that he would listen and understand. She met his gaze, hoping he could read the sincerity in her eyes. His own expression was once more unreadable. Though the grandfather clock chimed the hour, it was a measure of Carolyn’s distress that she could not have said how many times it rang.
“I’ve done a lot of thinking since the last time we were together,” she told Dwight. Somehow, the words came out clearly despite the turbulence of her thoughts. Dwight nodded, although Carolyn didn’t know whether he was agreeing or simply encouraging her to continue. In either case, she had no choice. She had resolved that she would not stop until she had said everything that was in her heart. That was the only way she knew to try to correct her mistakes.
Carolyn tightened her grip on the chair as she continued to look at Dwight. “I know I hurt you, and that was wrong.” Thank goodness, her voice no longer quavered. Though so much depended on Dwight’s reaction, she would not let herself cry, for she wanted his love, not his pity. “Hurting you was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made.”
Dwight’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly when he heard her admission. Though his lips remained in a straight line, he hadn’t been able to hide the fact that her words had touched a cord inside him. Carolyn chose to regard that as a positive omen. At least he hadn’t refused to listen to her. At least he seemed to care.
“I wish I could undo that day,” Carolyn continued. “I know that’s not possible, but …” She felt a moment of panic as her voice trailed off. Though Dwight was staring at her intently, she had no way of reading his thoughts. For a second, she was tempted to run away. She had known this moment would be difficult, but even her worst fears hadn’t prepared her for the reality of facing Dwight, of opening her heart to him, of facing possible rejection. Was this how he had felt, each time he had asked her to marry him?
Carolyn swallowed deeply. She was not a coward, she told herself. She could do this. She had to do this. She swallowed again, then opened her mouth to ask the question whose answer would determine her future happiness. “Dwight, will you …”
Before she could complete the sentence, he interrupted. “Will I dance with you in the rain? Of course.” A smile teased the corners of his mouth, and Carolyn took that as another good sign. If Dwight, the man whom the nurses had believed was born without the ability to smile, was now smiling, it had to be a positive omen.
“That was not what I was going to ask,” she said. Her question was far more serious—and infinitely more important—than an invitation to dance in the rain.
As if he understood, Dwight nodded. Though the smile had disappeared, his eyes were no longer cool. Instead, they blazed with fire, a fire that began to warm Carolyn’s heart.
“I hoped that wasn’t your question,” he said. He leaned forward and took her hands in his. “Carolyn, I’ve made mistakes, too. I let my pride and anger take over. That was wrong.”
His mistakes were nothing compared to hers. When Carolyn opened her mouth to tell him that, he shook his head slowly. “Let me,” he said. For a moment Dwight was silent. He held her hands gently, and Carolyn knew that if she wanted to pull them away, he would not stop her. But she did not pull away. Instead, she tightened her fingers around his, trying to tell him without words that she never wanted to let him go. She would not reject his caress any more than she would reject him. That was one mistake she would not repeat.
Dwight looked down at their hands. When his eyes met hers again, Carolyn saw an emotion she recognized in them. Hope. Dwight hoped. So did she. Oh, how she hoped!
“I can’t undo my mistakes any more than you,” he said, “but perhaps we can put them behind us.” Carolyn nodded, unable to speak. Was he going to say what she hoped he would? He had told her he would never say those words again, and yet there was no mistaking the emotion she saw blazing from his eyes.
Dwight smiled at her and said, “Carolyn, I love you.”
They were the words she had wanted to hear. She had dreamed of this moment; the thought of it filled her waking hours; now, the warmth that flooded Carolyn’s heart shocked her with its intensity. Three words, eight letters. Who would have dreamed that they held the power to heal so many wounds, to turn a day from gray to glorious, to make the future seem bright and shining?
“These last weeks have been horrible,” Dwight said, his eyes closed with remembered pain. “I felt as if nothing had any meaning, because half of me was gone.”
The look he gave her said he hoped she understood. Indeed she did. Carolyn swallowed, then found her voice. “I know. That’s how I felt, too.” The emptiness had been worse than anything she had felt before. When she had been alone in the past, she hadn’t minded, but that had been before she knew how wonderful it was, being with Dwight. Dwight had made her complete; without him, she was only a shell.
He rose, tugging her to her feet, then looked down at her, his eyes once more serious. “I know I told you I wouldn’t ask again, but I need to know. Do you love me, Carolyn?”
Surely he had never doubted that. But he had. His expression told her that he had not believed her when she had told him she loved him. All that he had heard was her rejection. Now was her chance to correct one of her mistakes.
Carolyn gripped Dwight’s hands, willing him to believe what she was about to say. “Oh, Dwight, I love you. I love you more than I ever dreamed it was possible to love a person. I love you with all my heart.” Carolyn looked into those hazel eyes that she loved so dearly, searching for a sign that he understood. Dwight’s smile and the warmth that filled his eyes told her that this time he heard—and believed her.
“Then will you share all my tomorrows?” he asked. The note of uncertainty in his voice wrenched Carolyn’s heart, for it was a measure of how deeply she had hurt him. Even now, when she had declared her love, he wasn’t sure of her response.
She smiled and nodded, her heart so filled with emotion that she wasn’t sure she could speak. But she had to. She had to ensure that Dwight knew she would never again reject him. “There’s nothing I want more,” she told him.
To Carolyn’s surprise, he chuckled. “There’s something I want more. I want to marry you.” Dwight’s face turned serious again. “Will you marry me, Carolyn?”
This time, there was no hesitation. “Yes, my darling! I want to marry you more than anything on earth.”
As she moved into Dwight’s arms and turned her face up for his kiss, the happiness that had been building inside Carolyn burst forth like water from a broken dam, flooding her with a joy deeper than anything she had ever experienced. No matter what the future brought, nothing could take away this moment, for in this moment, Carolyn had found her heart’s desire: the man she would love for the rest of her life, the man who could turn sorrow to happiness, the man who would laugh with her as they danced in the rain.