He grinned, almost radiantly. ‘I’ve never been a muse. I rather like the idea. It makes me feel really valued.’
Jess frowned. ‘Don’t you feel valued because of the work you do?’
‘Pah! Just pushing money around … anybody can do that. But being a “muse”, now that must be rare.’
‘I guess it is. I’ve never really had a regular one before. Apart from an actor in a vampire show once. I drew him a lot at the time. He was a blond though. Not a bit like you, but hot all the same.’
‘Do you have any pictures of him?’
‘Oh no … well, yes, I do. But a lot of my framed stuff and my art materials are in storage, with my gran’s old belongings.’ She frowned again, realising how she’d let her art aspirations lapse in recent years. Circumstances and all that, but still. ‘I’ve not done as much as I should recently. It was difficult to work on anything big when I was looking after Gran, and afterwards it just seemed like too much of an effort to start with paints or pastels and the easel and the whole shebang. I just drew in notebooks to keep my hand in, and signed up for the occasional class, now and again.’
‘You shouldn’t let it lapse, but I can understand why. I used to do all sorts of things before Julie’s death, family activities mostly … but since then, it’s mainly been work, a bit of exercising, and reading and watching television. Pathetic, really.’
‘And the occasional woman,’ Jess pointed out.
‘Yes, the occasional woman.’ He grinned.
So, I’m just a part of one of his ‘hobbies’.
‘A self-indulgence?’
He had the grace to look shamefaced. ‘Yes, you could say that. Sounds a bit despicable, doesn’t it? As if I treat women as a disposable commodity.’
It did. A bit. Yet there were extenuating circumstances.
‘We all have to do what we have to do to get by.’
He gave her a long, considering look. ‘We do. I’ll drink to that.’ He leant across and clinked his glass to hers.
The rosé was delectable, fresh and sweet and fruity. Very, very cool. It wasn’t strong, but suddenly she wished it was, a bit.
‘And you, how do you get by? I … I feel that’s what you’re doing, Jess, getting by. Instead of living life to the full.’
He was right, so right, but the truth hit hard. She’d been marking time so long she’d almost come to accept that as the norm. Waiting for Mr Right. Waiting and hoping that her gran would get better, even long after she’d known that was impossible. And afterwards left with a void where all that waiting and hoping had been. To her horror, tears threatened, but she fought them, taking a deep swig of her wine. No way did she want Ellis to feel sorry for her. It was demeaning, and she wanted to keep things light, and fun for both of them. Focus on the sex weekend.
Her glass was empty and, wordlessly, Ellis reached out with the bottle and topped her up. There was sympathy on his face, but more than that, almost as if he understood the complexity of her feelings, the mirror of his own.
Gah, no getting away from it.
‘Yeah, yeah, yeah … okay, so I am marking time. I have been for months … years … I suppose I’ve just got into the habit of hiding from life.’ The tears welled up again, and this time she couldn’t quell them. ‘How pathetic is that?’
Blinking, she sipped more wine, staring at the shimmering pink. But after a moment, Ellis reached out and took the glass from her, and a moment later, he put a box of tissues within hand’s reach, the same kind he’d given her when they’d first met. Then, he shuffled across and put his arm around her, easing them together back against the pillows.
Oh hell, don’t blubber, you silly sod!
Jess crammed half a box of Kleenex against her face. She tried to sit up. She wanted to create distance between the beautiful, glamorous man at her side, and herself, the snivelling, spluttering, unattractive wreck. But Ellis wouldn’t allow it. He increased his cradling hold on her, wrapping both arms around her, and raising one hand to stroke her hair and encourage her to bury her face in his towelling-clad shoulder.
Oh God, it felt so good. She needed this! She had Cathy and other friends that she talked to. She spoke on the phone with Mel, her sister, often. Mel visited whenever she could, so it wasn’t as if she was without people in her life.
But none of that was the same as the simple comfort of arms around her, the hugs she’d lost when the woman who’d brought her up had died.
Alas, though, the relief of being held only freed the floodgates of long held-in weeping. Grabbing on to Ellis with one arm, and blotting her face continually with her free hand, Jess surrendered herself to it. If being a weeping ninny temporarily dissolved whatever attractiveness she’d had for him, so be it. Ellis wasn’t shallow, and he knew pain himself. She’d never imagined she’d release emotion like this with any man, not even the eventual Mr Right, but with Ellis McKenna, it seemed okay.
After a moment, as the storm began to abate, it dawned on her that Ellis was talking quietly to her, his voice gentle and soothing. Most of his discourse seemed to consist of ‘hush’ and ‘it’ll be all right’ and ‘let it all out’, and other variations on that theme, but even though it made her feel slightly like a hysterical child or a panicking pet or something, she relished the warm, nurtured feeling it gave her. An educational sex weekend was all well and good, but there was a lot to be said for a bit of good, old-fashioned TLC too.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said at last, when her voice came out normally instead of accompanied by hiccups. ‘You must think I’m a total idiot and about as sexy and seductive as a floor mop.’
‘You’re a strong, compassionate woman with real feelings. I’m honoured that you’d open up to me. I prefer that. I prefer honesty and a real person rather than someone who brushes the deep stuff aside and just acts like a sex kitten all the time.’ He reached out and smoothed her hair out of her eyes. ‘You’re beautiful on every level, Jess Lockhart, believe me.’
‘What, even with red eyes and a red nose?’ She managed a smile. She couldn’t help it. The sheer glow of him would lift the lowest of spirits, even if she thought he was probably bullshitting her a bit.
‘Even then.’ He gathered up some of the tissues and tossed them in the general direction of the waste bin by the bedside table. Most of them went on the floor, but he seemed not to notice. ‘And believe me, Jess, I do know how you feel and I respect those feelings. You lost someone you love, just as much as I’ve lost Julie and Annie and Lily.’ He pursed his lips, as if fighting emotions of his own.
Wondering if the two losses were comparable, Jess still nodded.
‘Thank you, Ellis. Thank you for being a very decent man.’ She paused, aware that she’d stirred up his own grief for him. ‘I didn’t mean to come here and remind you of … of what you’ve lost too. Some kind of fun sexy companion to distract you from all that, aren’t I? This is supposed to be an erotic education weekend, not my misery-fest.’
‘There’s plenty of time yet. And we’ve got to pace ourselves, haven’t we?’ His beautiful eyes twinkled. ‘It’s quality not quantity that’s preferable, I think … Don’t you?’
But it’s all quality with you.
She didn’t say it, but nodded in agreement. ‘Quite right, Mr Sex. Especially for a novice like me. In the novels they go at it hammer and tongs for hours on end. It’s a wonder the heroines can walk sometimes, the amount of action they’ve had.’
Ellis laughed softly. ‘I’d rather have you in a fit state to appreciate my mad sex skills, Ms Lockhart, than gratuitously over-fucked, just to slake my appetites. And right now, I think it would be nice to get some sleep, and refresh our batteries for a deliciously sensual and educational day tomorrow, eh?’
Surprisingly, she did feel sleepy all of a sudden. ‘Good idea. But are you sure you want me here? I don’t mind sleeping in a guest room or whatever, if you need your space.’
‘I’m quite sure. Do you want a spot more wine, to help you sleep?’
But was she ‘good’? she wondered as they made their preparations for sleep. She’d shared a bed with him before, but somehow now, it seemed so much more intimate here. Back at home it’d been casual, almost accidental, but this was a conscious act of closeness.
And as strange as it was wonderful to a person who’d never shared her bed with anyone ever in her life … except this man.
Yet when she tried to sleep, frustratingly, it wouldn’t come.
Perhaps it was the strangeness of another body in the bed, even though Ellis was not a duvet hog, an over-hugger or a spreader-outer. In fact he slept still and neatly, on his back, with one arm draped backwards over the pillow, like a male model posing for an Old Master. The curtains were open, and moonlight sliced across the room, illuminating him and adding to the sense of a work of art. Moving as covertly as she could, Jess eased up into a sitting position, so she could admire him, feast on his beauty.
Ellis’s handsome face was serene in sleep, and she experienced an almost overpowering urge to reach out and trace its contours with her fingertips. Even in the intense milky moonlight, there wasn’t quite enough light to set about drawing him, but she would have loved to attempt to capture him right at that moment.
He was the perfect subject. His tousled hair, his straight nose and full, sensual mouth framed in that demi-beard that always felt so strangely soft … even when it had brushed her inner thighs when he’d given her head. She’d always believed that kissing and making love with a bearded man would be less than ideal. All that scritchy-scratchiness and stubble. But somehow, with Ellis, the sensation of whiskers only added to the deliciousness of every kiss.
A great sigh gusted through her. It wasn’t just his cute little beard, or his gorgeous eyes, or his superb body. It was far more than that which had dazzled and ensorcelled her in such a very short space of time. It was the man himself, his kindness, his strength and also his vulnerability.
She was obsessed now, she knew it, and more.
Oh, bloody hell. I love you, Ellis McKenna. It’s ridiculous, and I don’t know how it’s happened so fast. I knew I shouldn’t have let you get close. I should probably never have succumbed to you. Never have agreed to the sex education thing …
But inside, it had always been impossible to say no, and now she was in far too deep, hooked too firmly. And possibly forever.
Even if he asked to see her again – to extend their relationship to his customary three or four weeks – it would probably be a good idea to gently part from him after this weekend. It would only hurt more if she didn’t make the break as soon as possible. Right now, he was still mourning his wife, and might always mourn her. And even if, eventually, he got past the most painful stage of his grief, it might not be for a long, long time. It might be years before he was ready to even get close to love again … Years after his interlude with her was long over, long forgotten.
I know I’m not unworthy because I’m not rich or famous. I know I’ve got desirable qualities … and a lot to offer you … but you’re just not ready for me, Ellis, are you? Not yet.
Even though she was trying to keep still and not disturb him, she couldn’t contain another deep sigh.
I’ve arrived too soon in your life to be your second wife.
There. Now she’d said it, if only to herself. She’d barely known Ellis McKenna two weeks, and the parameters of their brief relationship had been clearly laid out from the very beginning …
Just as she’d always known would happen, she’d subconsciously recognised Mr Right the instant she’d first seen him. Fallen head over heels in love in the rain.
Slowly, carefully, she lay down again, closing her eyes but still seeing Ellis.
Mr Right, but Mr Emotionally Unattainable. The man I love who can never love me back.
Ellis sat up in the moonlight and looked down at the woman lying beside him. She was still as a mouse, a vision of breathtaking beauty in the silvery glow flooding in through the gauze curtains at the window. That image of a pure Madonna-like figure came to him again, but still, the tiny, barely discernible frown on her forehead told him she was probably actually awake, or only dozing in the same troubled, shallow sleep from which he’d just surfaced.
What’s wrong, Jess?
He almost said the words, then stalled. What if she said the words he subconsciously feared? The words he didn’t want to hear because he could never, ever reciprocate. Even the idea of reciprocating filled him with guilt. It would be a betrayal. Not Jess’s fault, just his.
You can’t give her anything meaningful, man. You’re empty of all that now. You gave it all to Julie. There’s nothing left for another woman on that score, even if she’s adorable. And you’ll only hurt her if you don’t disabuse her of any false hopes you’ve already given her.
And yet … and yet … he must have her for a little while longer. He was too greedy for her loveliness. A good man would sit Jess down for a firm but gentle chat tomorrow, and suggest that they part as lovers but remain solely friends from now on. He could still help. Still support her in her future goals. She had to stop working at his stupid insurance company because she was totally wasted in that world.
His spirits lifted. Yes, they could be friends. He could be her sponsor. Her own high principles meant she’d cruelly missed out on a formal art education, but he could give her that now. He could open doors for her. Make it possible for her to make a living using her God-given talents in a creative future that fulfilled her.
Oh, really, Mr Philanthropy? While your body is still howling for her other God-given talents?
Even now, with such ‘noble’ thoughts in his mind, he was getting a hard-on. Even knowing it was madness to continue this, his lizard-brain was chanting fuck, fuck, fuck.
As if she’d sensed his inner turmoil, she started to stir, and he almost smiled. She was trying to feign a natural rousing, when they both knew she’d been lying awake, turning things over in her mind, just as he’d been turning them over in his mind too.
‘Can’t you sleep, Jess?’
She blinked, and her eyes snapped open, brilliant with full awareness and no hint of sleepiness. In the moonlight, she gave him a nervous little grin that only increased her irresistibility. It was all unaffected, sweetly natural, but it only made him want her more, even though her delicious body was completely covered, right up to her chin.
‘I did sleep a bit … but I guess I’m just not used to being in bed with another person.’ The little frown pleated more deeply. ‘I like it, really I do, but it’s just different, you know?’
‘True. Very different.’ In an attempt to be altruistic, and do what was best for her, he said, ‘Would you prefer a bed of your own, Jess? You might be able to sleep then. I’ll go to one of the guest rooms, and leave you in peace.’
‘No!’ She reached out for him, her hand warm on his forearm as he sat up. ‘Don’t go. I’m sure I’ll be able to sleep.’ The act of reaching for him had caused the sheet to slip, revealing her breasts. Ellis’s cock lurched to hard, heavy stiffness just at the sight.
Good God, man, you’re an animal.
But he couldn’t help himself. He wanted her so much, and when she moved uneasily, she brushed against him and that made her smile.
‘That might help me sleep.’ Her grin was so sultry, so beguiling. Everything about her dazzled him, especially her deep, innate sensuality. Again, he exulted in being the first man to tap that vein of fundamental sexy womanliness, even though he was far from worthy of the gift.
‘It’d certainly help me sleep.’ He moved in again, pressing himself against her. Her body was warm, fragrant and cuddly. Cuddly but so desirable he could barely see straight. He wanted to enfold her in his arms, rock himself against her, touch her and pleasure her. ‘We should make love like spoons … that’s a nice, drowsy, easy way to do it in the middle of the night. Snuggly … not too athletic. Much more fun than hot chocolate for getting off to sleep.�
�
‘But I like hot chocolate.’
‘So do I, but I like shagging more.’ There were practicalities though. Momentarily he turned away, and plucked a condom from the nightstand. He’d tossed a few there earlier on, and there were still a couple left. ‘Hold that thought while I rubber up.’
He enrobed himself by touch, his lower body still beneath the bedclothes. It was easy. He was so massively stiff. ‘There, that’s better!’ He rolled in close again, throwing an arm around her hips, turning and drawing her to him, her sweet rounded bottom against his aching groin.
If you were a decent man, McKenna, this would be the last fuck. After tonight, you should back away from sex with her. Not let things get too complex. For her sake as much as yours.
He wasn’t sure he could do that. He had to have this weekend. The prospect of it was too exquisite to cut short … but when it was over he would attempt to make a clean, kind break with her, because it was the best thing for her. Now was now though and he had the most divinely seductive woman against him, her body warm and willing. He’d make it sweet and good for her tonight – even if that wicked lizard-brain was suddenly entertaining lurid notions about the firm lobes of her bottom, stroking it and maybe a little light spanking. More education to be imparted there, but probably not by him. Not if he were to do the right thing.
‘Now, let’s arrange ourselves, gorgeous. Tilt your hips and lift your thigh a bit … that’s it. That’s the right angle.’ Guiding her limbs into position, he poised himself at her entrance, and reached around and down to test her readiness. She was a slender woman, and she seemed to fit him perfectly. There was no awkwardness, no arm going to sleep; she seemed to know exactly how to conform herself to him.
And she was wet! Deliciously slippery. He’d been wondering about lube, because this was still all so new to her. But her body was totally prepared to receive him, silky and welcoming. With a further little tilt of her hips, she silently invited him to proceed. So, gripping her by the waist, he did just that.
How to Seduce a Billionaire Page 18