Doctor O’Keeffe came around a while later. This was the bit that I was dreading. I knew by his face that it was serious before he even started to talk.
“How are you doing, Eva?”
“I’ve been better.”
“Congratulations on your baby girl.”
“Thank you.”
“She’s doing very well, I believe.”
“She’s a little fighter by all accounts.”
“Well, I’m sure you want to know how the surgery went – we managed to debulk some of the mass but it wasn’t as successful as I had hoped. Unfortunately we had to do a total abdominal hysterectomy. In the meantime I will send the biopsy to the lab to confirm whether or not it is malignant.”
“Right, so it’s a waiting game until then?” Noel asked, giving my hand a quick squeeze.
“Yes, I’m afraid so – hopefully we will know more soon. In the meantime try and get some rest. I know it’s easier said than done but your body has been through a lot and an operation like that will take a lot out of you. You will be tender for a while too so just be careful getting out of bed not to put pressure on the wound.”
That evening they brought me up to the neonatal intensive care unit in a wheelchair. I was pushed along the vinyl corridor with my drip trailing beside me. I was still woozy after the surgery. Noel was beside me.
I was shocked by all the beeping machines and wires everywhere, the clinical starkness of the room.
“Oh God!” I shrieked.
“It’s okay – parents always get a fright when they come in here for the first time.” The special care nurse came over to me. “It looks worse than it is. You have to remember that all these machines are helping your baby. She’s over here.”
I was pushed along behind her and I saw my beautiful baby girl. She had a pink hat on her head and was wearing a nappy which seemed to cover up most of her tiny body, but otherwise she was naked. The needles and tubes sticking out of her were frightening. She looked lost – a tiny baby inside a huge incubator.
“Look, Noel, look at how small her hands and feet are!” All my other children had been born at full term so I had never seen a baby so small before.
“She’s small but perfect,” the nurse said to me softly over my shoulder. “She’s strong.”
“What will we call her?” I turned to Noel.
“Well, I was thinking of this while I was waiting for you to come round. How about Aoife? It means beautiful.”
“It’s perfect for her. Can I touch her?” I asked the nurse.
“Of course – she would love to hold her mammy’s hand.”
I slotted my hand in through the holes of the incubator. She immediately curled her small fingers around my index finger like she knew who I was. I wrapped the rest of my palm around her small hand and held it in mine. I felt such a surge of love for her – it was like my heart swelled again just like it had with the others. I thought of all the heartache and worry over the last few months but I knew I had done the right thing.
Chapter 38
I tossed and turned all night long waiting for the time to come when I would know the biopsy results. I saw every hour on the clock. I wasn’t sure what to expect but, from the sound of it, Doctor O’Keeffe wasn’t confident it would be good news. I tried to stay positive but it was hard in the early morning darkness when everything seemed so bleak. I almost welcomed the lights being switched on at 6 a.m. and the sound of nurses bustling around getting ready to start a new day.
A lady came in pushing the breakfast trolley. She put the tray on the table at the end of my bed and pushed it up towards me. The smell of the scrambled egg was nauseating – even the sight of the melting butter on the toast made me want to vomit. I pushed the table away as best I could without stretching my stitches.
“Morning, Eva – are you not in form for your breakfast this morning?” June came in sunnily and stood beside me.
It was the same every morning – sometimes I might pick at a slice of bread or have a yoghurt, but for the last few mornings I couldn’t face eating anything.
I shook my head.
“Do you want me to take it away for you?”
“If you wouldn’t mind, thanks.”
“Well, I know you’re anxious to speak with Doctor O’Keeffe. He has just started his rounds so he should be with you soon.”
“Oh thank God – the worrying and not knowing is a killer.”
“I was talking to the nurse on duty in special care last night and she said Aoife had a good night and they hope she’ll be breathing by herself soon.”
“Oh that’s good news. Thank you, sister.” My heart surged with love for Aoife. I longed to be able to cuddle her properly, away from all the tubes and wires and this blasted hospital.
She left me alone then and no sooner had she pulled the curtain back along on its track when Doctor O’Keeffe pulled it back and stuck his head around. My heart started thumping at the sight of him.
“Good morning, Eva. How did you sleep last night?”
“Not great.”
“Well, I hope you’re taking all the pain relief available to you?”
I nodded.
“So . . . I have your results here.” He tapped his folder. “Would you rather I waited until Noel gets in?”
“No! C’mon – spit it out. I’m going out of my mind with worry here.”
“All right. I’m afraid, as feared, the lab results have confirmed that the growth is malignant. I’m sorry, Eva – I truly am. What we’re dealing with here, is ovarian cancer. Our next step is to assess how far advanced it is and whether . . .”
I sank my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes. This was not what I wanted to hear. He talked to me some more about our next steps but I didn’t hear what he was saying and I didn’t even notice him go back out of the ward.
June came in soon after and fixed the sheets on the bed.
“How are you doing?”
“I just can’t believe it, I can’t take it in.”
“I’m sorry it wasn’t good news, Eva – it always comes as a shock to get news like that. Is Noel coming in soon?”
Noel had been trying to come in to visit during the day since Aoife was born.
“He’ll be in in a while – Seán had a football final this morning so I wanted him to go to it – so at least one of his parents would be at the sidelines to cheer him on.” I could hear the bitter edge in my own voice. I felt I had missed out on so much over the last few weeks.
“Well, that’s good. Look, I know it’s not easy but try to stay positive, Eva – treatments are very advanced nowadays. It’s not like it used to be when the C-word meant a death sentence.”
“I know,” I said wearily.
“We’re just going to take you down for your scan now, dear.”
“Scan?”
“Didn’t Doctor O’Keeffe tell you? He told me he did – he wants to check for metastases to see if the cancer is localised to the ovaries or if it has spread.”
“Oh sorry, I just zoned out after he told me the biopsy results.”
“Of course you did, love. You’ve had a lot to take in today. Once you have the results of the scan back Doctor O’Keeffe will have a better idea of what we are dealing with and he can plan your treatment accordingly.”
I was glad I’d been alone when he told me – it gave me a chance to get my head around it before I saw Noel.
When he came in that afternoon the familiarity of my husband brought it all to the surface and the tears started instantly.
“What is it, Eva – is everything okay with Aoife?”
“Yes, don’t worry, she’s fine – she’s doing great.”
“Well, what is it then?”
“My biopsy results came back –”
“And?”
“I have cancer, Noel.”
“No, Eva – please tell me this isn’t happening. Oh Eva!” He broke down.
As he sat there, heaving in the chair beside me, it was
unnerving.
“This whole thing is a nightmare – what did we ever do to deserve this?”
“I know, love, I know, but we just have to stay positive.” I knew it was a platitude but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. “Cancer isn’t a death sentence any more. There are lots of treatments for it nowadays.” I knew that I was copying what June had just said to me but I couldn’t think of anything else to say to him.
That evening Doctor O’Keeffe came around to give me the scan results. He pulled the curtain around me again. I was really starting to despise its old-fashioned terracotta-and-yellow floral fabric. Noel was sitting beside me and he reached out for my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
Doctor O’Keeffe nodded to me and then turned to Noel. “Good evening, Noel.” He didn’t sit down.
Noel mumbled hello.
“Okay, well. I haven’t good news, I’m afraid . . . the scan has shown secondary metastases on your liver and lungs . . . what we are dealing with here is an advanced form of ovarian cancer. I would like to treat the remaining tumour – the part we couldn’t get with the surgery – and metastases with further treatment asap, I’m afraid.”
I was too stunned to speak. From my limited knowledge of the disease, I knew that once cancer had spread to other organs it wasn’t good news. I had heard of people in Ballyrobin being diagnosed with cancer but when it had spread, that was it, it was curtains then.
“I would like to start chemotherapy treatment as soon as your body has had a chance to regain some strength after the surgery.”
“And then what?”
“We will then see how well it has responded to the treatment before deciding on our next steps.”
I looked at Noel, watching his whole face changing as it registered with him what the doctor was saying. It felt like they were words for someone else.
Doctor O’Keefe talked me through all of the side effects that I had heard about – nausea, exhaustion, susceptibility to infections, hair loss, loss of appetite – and I tried to make a joke of it, saying that the loss of appetite might be a good thing but they had both looked at me like I was daft so I had shut up pretty quickly again.
Long after Doctor O’Keeffe and his white coat had left, his words were still ringing in my ears. Noel and I sat in silence, ruminating over our own thoughts, and then one of us would speak and then we would go silent again.
We went up to visit Aoife, Noel pushing the wheelchair. I needed to be close to her.
The special care nurses said she was doing very well. She was breathing by herself now which was great for her prematurity but she was being fed through a tube until her sucking reflex developed some more. We watched her stretch out her little body, arching her tiny back and straightening her skinny arms above her head. I reached into her little world and gently stroked the soft skin on her hand and the downy skin of her arm. Metastases, secondaries, chemo – the words kept playing on a loop inside my head. I didn’t understand most of what he had said, only that it definitely was cancer and it had spread. And judging by his reaction it wasn’t looking good.
“You’re strong, Eva – you will beat this,” Noel whispered to me as we both stared in at our tiny baby daughter. “There is no way, after all you’ve done to get Aoife here safely, I’ll let you be taken away from us – no way. You’re like Aoife, you’re a fighter.”
“I hope you’re right, Noel, I really do.” The tears started up again.
He leant over me in the wheelchair and pulled my head in against his chest as if he could protect me there.
“Is everything okay here?” It was the special care nurse.
I pulled back from Noel’s chest and wiped my eyes.
“Yes – sorry, we’re going now.”
Noel wheeled me back down to the ward and helped me back onto the bed. Even that short activity had left me exhausted.
“We have to tell the kids,” Noel said.
“But they already know.”
“C’mon, Eva – they haven’t got a clue how serious it all is. They need to be told. If things get . . . worse . . . well, it will come as an awful shock to them.”
“Not yet, Noel – can we just wait and see how the chemo goes – there’s no point in worrying them unnecessarily. They’ve been through a lot lately.”
He sighed heavily. “All right, it’s your decision,” he said, putting his hands up in the air.
Noel brought the children and Mam in to see me the next day. They all wanted to see the baby and I felt awful telling them that they weren’t allowed into the special care unit. So instead they sat on various chairs around the bed.
After a few minutes I could see the boredom starting to kick in again. Seán asked me when I was coming home and I said soon. I could see Noel’s disapproving look from the corner of my eye. Kate sat there sullenly, with her Walkman on that she had got for Christmas last year. The music could be heard buzzing through the headphones so it must have been blaring. She had dark eye make-up on, thick-pencilled eyeliner and charcoal eye shadow – if I didn’t know her and just saw her in the street, I would find her intimidating. The contrast was harsh against her blonde hair and pale skin but I said nothing. I asked Noel to bring them all down to the coffee shop for a bit – he knew that I wanted to talk to Mam on my own. I could see the kids were delighted. They were fed up of this place. I couldn’t blame them – I was too.
“How are you feeling today, love?”
“Still sore and tender. I managed to walk a bit earlier on but I was knackered before I even got out of the room.”
“Well, take it easy now, do you hear me?”
“I just want to get Aoife and myself out of this place.”
“Well, you’ll both be able to come home soon.”
“I have cancer, Mam.”
“Ah no, Eva, no!” She pressed her fingers into my hands. It hurt.
I nodded and then I couldn’t help it, tears filled my eyes and started spilling down my face.
Her first reaction was to start praying and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it would take a lot more than prayers to cure me now.
I asked her to keep an eye on Kate. I knew she was a typical teenager feigning indifference but I also knew her well enough to know that she was finding this whole thing very hard.
I just needed to get well enough to be allowed home to get everything back on track again. Noel was doing a great job but he was being pulled in ten different directions between coming in to visit me, worrying about our new baby, keeping the three of them at home out of trouble during the summer holidays and then trying to run the farm so we could keep a roof over our heads.
Mam said another prayer before she left and blessed me with her rosary beads.
Chapter 39
The surgery had taken a lot out of me. I felt weaker than I had felt since the whole ordeal started. My body no longer had to support a baby, part of the tumour had been removed yet I felt at my lowest. I hadn’t expected that. Doctor O’Keeffe told me that he wouldn’t start the chemo until my blood counts had improved and I was a bit stronger. The time passed very slowly, the days were long as I waited in limbo until I could start my treatment to fight the disease.
I would go up and sit with Aoife and marvel at how much modern medicine can do for tiny babies. She was growing much stronger and I was allowed to hold her now and I would spend hours cuddling her in my arms. And I missed the kids desperately. It just felt like one hurdle after another. I worked hard at trying to get my body stronger. I would eat small amounts of food and sleep whenever I could – I didn’t have much else to do anyway.
After I had started my first round of chemo, Doctor O’Keeffe said there was no point in keeping me in hospital any more. I was delighted to be allowed go home after weeks of being on St Brigid’s ward. I would still be in and out of the hospital every day to see Aoife but she was nearly at a weight where they would let her come home with us soon. I willed her to keep growing strong. I just wanted to get some n
ormality back into our lives. I felt if we could just get her home then everything would be so much better – no more driving to the hospital and back, nearly an hour each way, over bouncy bog roads.
I told Noel not to tell the kids that I was coming home because I wanted to surprise them. As soon as I got in the door though, I realised that things had changed drastically with Kate. She hadn’t been in to see me in two weeks. Her heavy eye make-up was only the start of it. She walked into the kitchen with a nose ring and nearly had a heart attack when she saw me in the room.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“Well, thanks for the nice welcome home!” I said sarcastically. “What’s that thing in your nose? I told you that you weren’t allowed to get one of those.”
“You can’t just come home after weeks away and start giving me orders.” She was angry and I knew she was taking it out on me.
“Oh yes, I can, Kate, I’m your mother. I may not have been around for the last few weeks but this is still my house and my rules apply.”
“‘My house and my rules!’” she mimicked.
I was only just home and I didn’t want to ruin it by getting into a fight with her so I let it go.
Seán and Patrick came running into the room and over to me and gave me big hugs.
“Where’s Baby Aoife?” Patrick asked.
“She’s still in hospital but she should be home very soon. She’s thriving now. She’s even taking her feeds by mouth, would you believe!”
“You won’t be going back there then, Mam, will you?” Patrick asked.
“No, love, that’s it now.”
Noel glared at me.
“How can you lie to them like that?” he said after the boys had gone off outside to play football.
“I didn’t lie.”
“You haven’t told them the truth! For all you know you might very well need to go back in. It’s not fair to only give them half the picture, Eva.”
“Ah stop Noel, I’m only home – I don’t want to fight with you. You never told me about Kate getting her nose pierced!”
The Last Goodbye Page 20