by Steve Alten
"We are, my lord."
"Then you may call your first witness."
"Call to the stand, Mr. Angus William Wallace of Drumnadrochit."
Angus turned, gave me a wave, and was sworn in.
"Mr. Wallace, what is your relationship with the deceased?" He was a friend and one-time business associate."
"Describe your business dealings with Mr. Cialino for the High Court."
"Cialino Ventures wis interested in constructin' a five-star resort, hotel, an' holiday apartments on a parcel o' land my ancestors owned overlookin' Loch Ness. I selt him the land, which wis tae be paid in installments. He owed me for the last payment, but he'd been puttin' me off for weeks. So I went ower tae his site an' we went for a wee walk tae chat."
"And?"
"An' the lyin' bastard telt me he wis short o' cash, which wis crap, bein' that he'd jist bought his mistress a fancy new diamond necklace no' two days earlier."
I glanced at Theresa Cialino, who seemed unfazed about the mistress comment.
"Johnny didnae ken it, but I saw his tart wearin' it when they left the jewelers together. Quite a piece of ice for that piece o' ass. Ye willnae catch me payin' for—"
"Objection!" The prosecutor was standing. "My lord, the victim's personal life is not on trial here."
"Sustained," said the judge, his dour expression intended as a warning to Max.
Max signaled for Angus to ease up. "What happened after Mr. Cialino told you he was short of cash?"
"He claimed he'd pay me after the resort did some business, an' if I didnae like it, it wis too bad, that wis the price o' doin' business wi' the Cialinos. So I hit him."
"You struck Mr. Cialino?"
"Aye, square in the nose. Didnae break it, but I drew blood, an' he stumbled back a few steps, cursin' up a storm, then he twisted his ankle on a tree root an' tumbled ower the edge, right intae Loch Ness."
"What happened next?"
"I dropped tae my knees an' looked ower the slope. John had surfaced an' wis treadin' water. He wis in fair shape, though blood wis pourin' frae both nostrils. I called oot, 'and that's the price o' doin' business with a Wallace, ye cheatin' bastard.' Suddenly, the water came alive wi' salmon, must've been hundreds o' them. Some were leapin' straight oot o' the water, a few smackin' John right in the heid. Made me laugh, it did, but then… then the sun slid behind a cloud an' I saw it."
"It?"
The benches creaked in unison as the public leaned forward to listen. "Aye. A huge animal it wis, long an' serpentlike, had tae be at least fifteen meters, an' it was circlin' John an' thae salmon like a hungry wolf. Grayish in color, or maybe broon, hard tae tell 'cause it wis stayin' jist below the surface, an' visibility in the Loch's like lookin' through a dark lager. I could jist make oot a bizarre dorsal fin runnin' the entire length o' its body, almost like a horse's mane. John couldnae see the creature, but he could feel its powerful undertow as it circled, an' he grew all panicky, callin' oot tae me for help."
"What did you do?"
"Nothin' I could dae, for whit happened next happened awfy fast. The sun appeared again an' splattered across the surface, blindin' me in its reflection, so that I lost sight o' the beast. An' then …" Angus paused, pinching the bridge of his nose with a quivering hand.
"Go on."
"Then John let oot a cry… a terrible wail it wis, the most awfy sound I ever did hear, only it ended abruptly as the creature grabbed hold an' dragged him under frae below, an' the two o' them jist disappeared."
The courtroom erupted in a hundred conversations, some people laughing hysterically, others aghast, howling and swearing like they'd seen the Holy Ghost. The widow Cialino bit her lip and covered her face in her hands, and more than a few of the older ladies fainted dead away.
Me? I just sat there, incredulous.
The judge banged his gavel for quiet, nearly breaking it in the process. "Let me remind you that this is the High Court. Another outburst and I shall order this courtroom cleared!"
The silence became deafening, no one, save me, wanting to leave.
The judge turned to Angus, a skeptical look on his face. "Mr. Wallace, are you actually testifying, under oath, that you witnessed Mr. Cialino devoured by… by the Loch Ness monster?"
"No' devoured, m'lord, but snatched an' dragged below, absolutely."
I closed my eyes, praying not to see any purple spots.
Angus turned to the jury, reciting a well-rehearsed speech. "I seek no alibis for my actions. It wis wrong o' me tae strike my friend an' business associate, an' I never meant him tae go ower the cliff, that wis an act of God. But I've been sworn tae tell the truth, an' this is whit I've done. No matter whit ye may think, I saw that beast, an' he saw me. Whether he intended to snatch John Cialino or did it by accident, we'll never ken, but snatch him he did, an' he took him straight under, never tae be seen again. The Polis can drag Loch Ness frae now tae my hangin' day, but they'll never find nothin', mark my words, an' I'll never change my testimony, for it's the truth, so help me God."
The judge banged his gavel again, silencing the buzz, then requested all attorneys to join him immediately at his bench for a conference.
The courtroom exhaled and the media's feeding frenzy officially commenced. Reporters typed furiously on laptop keyboards and Blackberrys as fast as their cigarette-stained fingers could move, while others frantically called their editors on cell phones, demanding front- page space in their evening editions.
The judge chastised Maxie with a hard scowl. "Mr. Rael, I warn you, if you intend on turning this trial into a three-ring circus, I shall hold you in contempt and burn your barrister's license."
"My lord, the accused has given us his account of what happened, and we intend to prove it to the jury."
"That I'd like to see," scoffed Jennifer Shaw, the assistant prosecutor.
As I watched them talk, my mind underwent sort of an out-of-body experience. Was I really here in Scotland? Had my father actually testified that the victim had been dragged below by the Loch Ness monster?
And what part was I to play in this, Angus's latest charade? The attorneys took their seats.
It was time for Act Two to begin.
"Lord Advocate, would you care to question the witness?"
"Indeed we would, my lord." Mitchell Obrecht shot back, his voice booming through the two-hundred-year-old courtroom. "Mr. Wallace, I've been a prosecutor for twelve years and a barrister for eight before that, and in all my years, I've never heard such a ridiculous, fantastical testimony as yours. The legend of a water beast in Loch Ness has never been proven in fourteen centuries, and even if accepted as a mystery, no accounting has ever been documented of a person actually being attacked."
"Ye're forgettin' the Pict warrior Saint Columba saved. An' there's plenty more attacks that remain documented only as drownings."
"Nonsense, ridiculous. What shred of evidence do you offer to back such a claim?"
"At this juncture, only my word."
"Your word? Do you take us all for fools, Mr. Wallace, or are you merely—"
Maxie interrupted. "Objection, my lord. If the Lord Advocate has a question for the witness, he should ask it, and not use this as an opportunity to practice his closing remarks."
"Agreed. Get on with it, sir."
But the prosecutor had nothing to add, for how does one prove or disprove a legend in a court of law?
Max Rael was about to show us.
"Call to the stand, Mr. Calum Forrest of Invermoriston."
A tall, thin Scotsman in his late sixties took the stand and was sworn in.
"Mr. Forrest, what is your present occupation?"
"Head water bailiff o' Loch Ness."
"And how long have you held this position?"
"Ten years an' two months, but I wis assistant bailiff for seventeen years prior."
Max retreated to his table and removed a document from a manila folder. "Mr. Forrest, would you explain to the High Court the contents of
this document."
Calum Forrest took a quick glance. "It's the accident report I supplied ye wi' several weeks ago."
"The accident report of Loch Ness?"
"Aye."
Max handed the document to the witness. "My lord, we'd like this document marked Defense Exhibit A."
"So be it."
"Mr. Forrest, how many drownings were there at Loch Ness last year, and feel free to use the report as a reference."
"Last year? Nine."
"And the year before?"
"Five."
"And the year prior?"
"Six."
"And if you were to estimate an average year of drownings at Loch Ness over the last two decades, excluding the past nine months?"
"Be aboot the same I'd say, roond aboot half a dozen."
"In your opinion as water bailiff, why do so many people drown at Loch Ness?"
"Well, the Ness is vast, o' course, an' she's cold… real cold. A lot o' tourists dinnae realize jist how cold she is 'til their boat tips an' in they go. Only takes aboot a minute or two of exposure before the whole body starts shuttin' doon."
"And what might cause a boat to tip?"
"Could be lots o' things. The Great Glen's like a giant wind tunnel, sometimes blowin' waves mair than two tae three meters high. If ye get in trouble oot there, there's no' many places tae dock. Plus ye get yer usual crazies overdoin' it wi' the alcohol, that makes for lots o' problems."
"Do you usually recover the victims' bodies?"
"Almost never. The extreme cold an' high peat content sink almost everythin' like a rock, an' that's a long way doon. If ye ever drained Loch Ness, ye'd probably find hundreds o' skeletons stuck in the bog."
"So, prior to this year, Loch Ness averages about a half dozen drownings each season."
"Now tell us how many drownings have been reported so far this calendar year."
"Seventeen."
I felt my scalp crawl as the courtroom buzzed again.
"Seventeen drownings? Seventeen you say?"
"Aye, an' tourist season's no' even in full swing."
"Why the sudden change, Bailiff Forrest?"
"Wish I kent why."
"And no bodies?"
"No, sir. As I said, the frigid water temperatures prevent bloatin'. Loch Ness… she dinnae like tae give up her dead."
"Any other unusual happenings around the Loch?"
"Aye. We've been getting' overloaded wi' reports aboot missin' animals, by that, o' course, I mean domestic pets, dogs mostly. Golden retrievers, dachshunds, poodles, shepherds… name a' breed, an' I can check my list an' tell ye whit's missin'. We've posted signs aboot keepin' them chained up at night, but often, they break loose an' chase after rabbits an' squirrels."
"Thank you, Mr. Forrest. Anything else?"
"No… I dinnae think so."
"What about Nessie sightings?"
"Oh, we aye get them, nothin' unusual there."
"But more than usual?"
The water bailiff hesitated. "Perhaps."
"In fact, according to your own log, you've received over fifty sightings since late January through May, is that correct?"
"If it says so in my log, sure. Disnae make them real, though."
"Understood. No further questions."
"Lord Advocate?"
The two prosecutors conferred with one another. "No questions at this time, my lord."
"Very well. Any other witnesses, Mr. Rael?"
"Just one, my lord. Defense calls to the stand Dr. Zachary Wallace."
A hundred heads swivelled in my direction as my jaw muscles locked in place and my throat squeezed tight.
"Dr. Wallace?"
I looked up to see my no good bastard half-brother pointing me out to the judge and Court Macer.
"Dr. Wallace, you will proceed to the witness stand immediately." The Court Macer was standing over me now, but I still couldn't breathe, my lungs refusing to draw a breath.
Mitchell Obrecht was objecting, and I silently rooted him on. "My lord, Her Majesty's Advocate has not been informed of this defense witness, who is, in fact, directly related to the accused."
"Mr. Rael?"
"My lord, the fact that Dr. Wallace is related to the accused will have no bearing, once we hear his testimony, which is vital, not just to my client but to Scotland entire. The fact is, my lord, up until a few days ago, Dr. Wallace and the accused had not seen each other nor even spoken for seventeen years and we were not even sure he was coming, prior to late last week. For the record, my lord, Dr. Wallace was given no forewarning that he would be called to testify in these proceedings, and would not have come had he known. As you can see, he is obviously perturbed by all this, and as such, we request that the High Court consider him a hostile witness."
Hostile witness? Thirty seconds alone with Max and I'd be up for murder myself.
"I'm going to give you some latitude, Mr. Rael, but proceed with caution, I warn you."
"Thank you, my lord."
Amid much clatter, I was escorted to the witness box, then sworn in. Angus watched me from behind the prosecutor's table, a smug look of satisfaction pasted on his face.
Glancing around the courtroom, I was surprised to spot True MacDonald, dressed in his Sunday finest, watching me proudly as if attending my graduation.
"Sir, would you state your name and current address for the record."
"Zachary Wallace. Prior to this trip, I was living in a motel in South Beach, Florida."
Max took over the questioning, and I stared at him, filled with a malice once reserved only for my father. "Dr. Wallace, where were you born?"
"Drumnadrochit."
"And how long did you reside in the Highlands?"
"Until I was nine."
"Why did you leave?"
"My parents divorced."
"The accused, Mr. Angus Wallace, being your father?"
"Biological father."
"What is your current occupation?"
"Technically, I'm unemployed."
"I, uh, see. And why is that?"
"Because I don't have a job, asshole."
The judge banged his gavel to stifle the laughter, much of it coming from True. "The witness will conduct himself properly or be held in contempt."
"Let me rephrase. What is your chosen occupation, Doctor? In what field did you earn your Ph.D.?"
"Marine sciences."
"And your present age?"
"I'll be twenty-six in two months."
"My lord, for the sake of time, I'm going to read the highlights of Dr. Wallace's credentials, just so the court understands why we've summoned this witness." Retreating to his table, Max removed several sheets from another manila folder and began reading aloud.
"Graduated with honors from Washington High School in New York… at the age of fifteen. Accepted an academic scholarship at Princeton, where he played football and graduated with honors while earning both a bachelor's and master's degree in marine biology. Received his doctoral degree from the University of California at San Diego… all this before the ripe old age of twenty-three. In the last four years, Dr. Wallace has authored three papers published in Nature and Science and has patented two underwater hydrophonic devices, including one that was used successfully six months ago to locate a giant squid, this in the waters of the Sargasso Sea. In 2003, Dr. Wallace was listed among the Top 100 scientific minds in the world and was on his way to earning a second doctorate from Florida Atlantic University while he taught courses and lectured. Am I leaving anything out, Dr. Wallace?"
"You forgot to mention I had a crush on my tenth-grade math teacher."
That one drew another stern look from the judge. "Last warning, Dr. Wallace. If you insist on making a mockery of my courtroom, you'll be doing it from a jail cell."
The ridiculousness of my predicament got to me then, and I started to snicker.
The judge banged his gavel and cited me for contempt.
Max jumped in before I c
ould extend my jail sentence to two nights. "Our humblest apologies, my lord. As you can see, the witness is a bit unnerved at having to testify at his own father's murder trial."
"Get to your point, counsel, or I shall dismiss this witness and toss you in jail along with your client."
I winked at Max, enjoying a small token of revenge.
"Dr. Wallace… the accused claims to have witnessed John Cialino dragged below by a large water creature, a creature often referred to as the Loch Ness monster. As a doctoral candidate at Scripps, didn't you once author a scientific paper on this same species?"
"No."
"No?" Max strode back to his table, returning with a Xeroxed copy of a report. "I have it right here, Loch Ness: A New Theory. Written by Zachary Wallace, Scripps, 1999. You are Zachary Wallace, yeah?"
"Listen, Mr. Rael, I don't know how you managed to obtain a copy of this document, but it's essentially an unpublished dissertation."
"Why unpublished?"
"My dissertation committee rejected it."
"Rejected? On what grounds?"
"On the grounds that legitimate scientific bodies aren't interested in chasing legends, and they don't like their doctoral candidates chasing after them, either."
"Still, the report certainly makes a good case for Nessie's existence."
"The paper merely highlights Loch Ness's uniquely isolated ecosystem and—"
"Oh, I think it does a wee bit more than that. If I may," Max thumbed through the dissertation to a previously marked page, "And I quote, The true mystery of Loch Ness lies in its relationship with the North Sea and the Great Glen. The Great Glen was forged 380 million years ago when a sixty-mile fault line fractured, creating a huge trench that split the Highlands geology from southwest to northeast. From this gorge, present-day Loch Ness was created, when a massive glacier advanced through the Great Glen some twenty-thousand years ago. As the ice melted and sea levels rose, Loch Ness may have actually existed as an arm of the North Sea. This theory is backed by recent discoveries of sea urchin spines, clamshells, and other marine material made in deposits recovered from the bottom of the Loch. However, once the glacier fully retreated ten thousand years ago, the land rose in an isostatic rebound and the waterways separated, perhaps trapping a few large sea creatures in the process.' End quote."