A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  What had Ezra seen in those last moments when he held Rosemary in his arms? He must have seen something, because Ezra was changed. He had always carried about him a happy-go-lucky attitude. Now that part of him seemed buried under the surface. Ezra had a seriousness about him, an intensity she had never noticed before. Ezra seemed to have made up his mind.

  Lydia looked away as the last of the dirt was tossed into the grave. The crowd began to mill around her, and people began to whisper to each other.

  “There was something so comforting about the day,” someone said. “We sorrowed but we also rejoiced.”

  Lydia smiled. Yah, that was how it was today.

  “Yah, there was such a testimony at the deathbed, they said. I know I was comforted in my heart when I heard,” someone replied. “It’s such a great sorrow when a young person passes, especially when it’s a girl like Rosemary who had such promise. She had even won the love of young Ezra Wagler. I do so hope the Lord comforts his heart in his loss.”

  “Ezra loved her greatly,” another voice answered. “Rosemary died in his arms, they say.”

  Lydia moved away. In the distance, by the graveyard fence, she saw Ezra and Harvey speaking together. They seemed caught up in an intense conversation. Lydia sighed and turned away. What could Ezra and Harvey possibly have to say to each other? Especially today? The answer wasn’t so difficult to fathom. On the day of Rosemary’s funeral, there was no connection between the two of them but herself.

  Lydia pushed the thought away. She would think no more about this. Thankfully Mamm stood near their buggy, so Daett must be about ready to leave. Lydia pressed through the crowd, nodding and shaking hands with several people. No one engaged her in a long conversation on this somber day.

  Lydia paused to catch her breath when she arrived at the buggy. “Are we ready to go?” she asked Mamm.

  “Yah.” Mamm glanced around. “Daett was just here.”

  Lydia felt a soft touch on her elbow and turned to find Harvey Miller behind her. He appeared flustered. “Can I drive you back?” His voice was a little above a whisper.

  Mamm must have heard and turned to Harvey with a smile. “Harvey. It’s good to see you. Of course you can drive Lydia home.”

  Harvey’s head bobbed. “I need to speak with Lydia. I’ll take her back to the Beilers’ place for the meal. Is that where you’re going?”

  “Yah, we are.” Mamm still smiled. “We’ll see you there.”

  Lydia followed Harvey toward his buggy, where he untied Roger Boy. She climbed in the familiar buggy and Harvey gave her the lines, then he climbed in without making eye contact.

  “Get up,” Harvey called to the horse. The buggy slowly pulled out onto the main road.

  Lydia decided to let Harvey take his time in broaching whatever had prompted this ride to the Beilers’. She waited for a long time as Harvey stared off into the distance, but he finally spoke.

  “Lydia, I want to say that I appreciate your efforts over these past months. You’ve put up with me and my loneliness without complaint. All along I knew you could never love me, or me you, but that was okay. I didn’t expect much out of the relationship. I also knew why you agreed to allow me to take you home, and I knew I should spend time with a woman again. I also knew that a serious relationship with someone would have been too much for me. So I want to tell you, Lydia, that I appreciate what you have done for me these past months. You have helped me move on with life without making me feel like I had to be someone I’m not. Thank you for that.”

  Lydia lowered her head. Harvey had never spoken this many words before. Sometimes he had never spoken so many words in one evening.

  Harvey continued, “You have been kind to me, Lydia. I know you could have scorned me silently, but you didn’t. You showed me the tender side of yourself, and your joy. You were considerate of my strange ways. You stuck with me without a bitter attitude, and you even made me smile when I thought I wouldn’t smile again. You probably think you didn’t give me anything these past weeks, but I know differently. You gave me your best, and for that I will always thank the Lord.”

  Lydia searched for words. “I don’t understand. Why are you telling me this? And what does Ezra…?”

  “Ezra will be taking you home on Sunday evening instead of me.” Harvey hesitated a moment, then offered a lopsided smile. “I don’t suppose you object.”

  Lydia drew a long breath. “I don’t know what to say…or think. Are you sure?”

  “I believe this is what was always supposed to be,” Harvey said. “The story is going around that at the end, Rosemary claimed God sent Ezra into her life for the purpose of loving her during her final battle. I think He sent you to me for a similar reason—except in my case, He sent you so that I could begin to live again.”

  Lydia felt her face blushing at his praise. “I…I…had no idea, Harvey. I don’t know what to say.”

  “There’s no need to say anything, Lydia. Besides, here we are. Whoa!” Harvey called out to Roger Boy. Harvey stopped the buggy along the back barn fence.

  “Thanks again,” Harvey said, as they both climbed down from the buggy. “I really do appreciate what you did for me.”

  “You’re welcome,” Lydia managed. To say “welcome” felt strange. She ought to thank Harvey, but that didn’t seem right. Instead, she looked around and seeing no one, she reached over and gave Harvey a brief hug, then quickly backed away and hurried toward the house.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw another buggy pull in. Ezra’s buggy. At the sight her heart began to beat faster.

  How wise and considerate Ezra had been to allow Harvey to explain himself before speaking with Lydia—if indeed he intended to speak with her. The very notion that it might happen took her breath away.

  Chapter Forty

  Lydia slipped out of the washroom door the following Sunday evening after the hymn singing. None of the other girls gathered around gave her a second glance. There was no reason anyone should think she wasn’t on her way to Harvey’s buggy as usual. They didn’t have to know until the news leaked out tomorrow morning. She had told Mamm about the change in plans, but no one else. Yah, there was still sorrow over Rosemary’s death, but it was subdued by the knowledge that Rosemary was in a much better place. Besides, Rosemary had wanted this very evening to happen. “Open your heart when the time comes,” Rosemary had told her.

  The thought had seemed indecent back then. She would not have pursued Ezra again. Yet Ezra had been firm with his decision to take her home tonight. Otherwise, she would not be headed toward his buggy instead of Harvey’s. Ezra’s change of heart was what eased her conscience. She had noticed the lift of his head in the services today and his occasional glances her way. Yah, much had changed. She would ride home with Ezra tonight and they’d take it from there. The thought that Rosemary’s wish for them might come true made her dizzy. Deacon Schrock could certainly find no wrong if Ezra took her home from the hymn singing. What could he say?

  Lydia found Ezra at his buggy just as he was fastening the last tug.

  “Goot evening,” Lydia greeted him, still feeling a bit awkward, but also excited.

  Ezra was matter-of-fact. “Goot evening to you. Climb in.”

  Lydia pulled herself up and settled on the buggy seat.

  Ezra climbed in and clucked to his horse, and they whirled out of the driveway.

  Just as she had let Harvey speak first, so too would Lydia remain silent now and let Ezra take the lead.

  His face was sober as he began to speak. “I know this is awkward, Lydia. But I think we both need to find out if what Rosemary wanted for us is also what we want for us. Beginning with me taking you home tonight.”

  “Yah, I agree,” Lydia offered. “But you need to know I’ve not exactly behaved myself in the past few months. Just ask Deacon Schrock.” Lydia gave him a quick sideways glance. “That’s why I was going home with Harvey, not because—”

  “I know all about it,” Ezra interrupted.
“But that’s past. Now we have to believe the Lord works things out for the best. I spoke with Deacon Schrock this afternoon, and he agrees with me that you have made your intentions clear about staying in the community. I have his blessing to take you home.”

  Lydia clutched the side of the buggy door and tried to breathe evenly.

  Ezra smiled. “So there will be no dropping you off at the end of the sidewalk tonight.”

  “You sound pretty sure of yourself,” Lydia chided.

  “I am sure of myself,” he said. “But more than that, we have to be sure of the Lord in all this.”

  “We have all changed, haven’t we? We used to be so silly,” Lydia said. “Sandra and I. You’ve certainly changed. I’m not sure I deserve you, Ezra.”

  “It’s not a question of deserving, but of love.” He gently reached over to touch her arm with his free hand. “Can we find love together? I believe we can. Life has touched us deeply with sorrow and left us better for it. At least, I believe that of you.”

  “Of me?” Lydia croaked. “I still feel like I have such a long way to go. You, on the other hand—oh, Ezra, I can’t say more or I’ll cry for sure.”

  “Go ahead and cry. I’ll understand,” Ezra assured her. “After all you’ve been through, you’ve only become better.”

  Lydia’s voice trembled. “Did you know that I backed away from pursuing you so Sandra could have you to herself?”

  Ezra looked a little grim. “You two were the limit, but yah, I knew. I suppose Sandra asked for that after her daett passed?”

  “Yah.” Lydia didn’t dare look at him. “But then Rosemary captured your heart.”

  “And this Rudy fellow captured your heart again.”

  Lydia forced her hand to touch his arm. “Yah, and that was my mistake. You need to know the truth, Ezra. I did love Rudy once, back in our rumspringa time, and yah, I was tempted to return to that love, but I realized it could never happen. If my having loved Rudy changes your mind about me, you can drop me off at the end of the sidewalk and I won’t blame you at all.”

  “I wouldn’t do that, Lydia.” Ezra’s voice was tender. “I’m not that perfect a saint myself. You loved Rudy. I loved Rosemary. I would have married her if she hadn’t passed. Can you live with that? Knowing I loved her and would have married her?”

  “I could never hold such a thing against you, Ezra…if you will really and truly love me now.”

  “Yah, and that’s what this time together must be. For each of us to know for sure that we share the kind of love that is from God. And that we are meant to be together,” Ezra said. He took the turn into the Troyers’ driveway. “Shall I come in then?”

  “You know you can,” Lydia said. “I have apple pie ready, or perhaps only the half that Emma and Rhoda didn’t eat.”

  Lydia waited beside the buggy while Ezra tied Midnight to the hitching post. She took his arm and led the way to the house. At the front door Ezra stayed a step behind until she held it open for him.

  “The couch, I suppose?” Ezra pointed.

  “You can come to the kitchen with me,” Lydia suggested.

  “Did Harvey come into the kitchen with you?” Ezra’s gaze pierced her.

  “No,” Lydia said. “Remember, we were just friends. There were never romantic feelings on either side. He is a decent man and much in need of a frau. I hope he finds someone…soon.”

  “I do too, then,” Ezra said. “And about Rosemary…I loved her, but in God’s plan, it wasn’t meant to be forever. Maybe Rosemary was right all along. Maybe we were given something for a time, something for a reason, something that wouldn’t have happened any other way, or at any other time, something…”

  “Yah,” Lydia agreed. “It was God’s way of comforting Rosemary…and Harvey.”

  “Perhaps we had best leave these things to the Lord. I am here and you are here, and we have apple pie to eat.”

  “Just like a man!” Lydia teased. “It always comes back to his stomach!”

  As she turned to slice the pie, soft footsteps came up behind her and Ezra’s arm slipped around her shoulder. She turned back to him to bury her face in his chest, and the embrace of his arms closed around her. This seemed so right and yet so long in coming. Lydia started to cry. “It’ll be okay,” Ezra whispered into her hair. After a moment, he released his embrace.

  Lydia gathered herself together and continued cutting the pie, then poured them each a glass of milk.

  Ezra took Lydia by the arm and both plates with the other. “Come. The couch is more comfortable.”

  Lydia brought the milk glasses in both hands.

  Ezra seated himself and took the first bite. “This is quite goot.”

  “See, I can cook.” Lydia gave him a triumphant look.

  Ezra laughed. “I never had my doubts.”

  When they had finished, Ezra said, “So, now one important question remains.”

  “Yah?”

  “Can I come again next Sunday evening?” he said, flashing a grin.

  “You can.” Lydia looked deep into his eyes. “I would be pleased, very pleased.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Lydia was hanging out the wash on a Monday morning. Ezra had said he would stop by later to pick her up for a drive over to a small farm he had his eye on. Ezra wanted to know whether she liked the house, and would consider…

  “I’m sure I’ll like it,” Lydia had assured Ezra on Sunday evening. “Whatever you like, I’ll like.”

  “I still want you to see it,” Ezra had insisted.

  More than anything, Ezra probably just wanted to spend time with her. He still hadn’t formally asked her to be his frau, but that was where things were headed. They had both known this would be the eventual outcome ever since Ezra first brought her home from a Sunday night hymn singing.

  Occasionally guilt niggled at Lydia with the thought that she had stolen Rosemary’s boyfriend, but Ezra’s presence always comforted her. Ezra knew where he wanted to go in life, and he wanted her along. Maybe that made everything right enough to say the marriage vows together. Many a woman had married a widower, and she would be doing no worse. She must open her heart fully to the joy of Ezra’s love. How long had she waited for this to come into her life? Too long.

  Lydia hung a shirt on the line. The pinned laundry had begun to move as the breeze stirred. Yah, life moved on, and she must move with it. She was in love with Ezra and Ezra loved her. There was no shame in that. The Lord had made a man to love a woman, and a woman to respond to his attentions. She would say the vows with Ezra this fall.

  Lydia reached into the hamper again, holding the clothespins in her mouth as she struggled with a long dress. Her reputation in the community was back to where it had been before Daett’s financial mess. There was nothing to prevent her wedding day.

  Ezra’s strength since Rosemary’s passing comforted her. Not only his physical strength, but also an inner strength that he had not previously possessed. When Ezra held Rosemary in his arms that dawn, he had seen more of the other side of the river than he admitted. Lydia would have to dig the memories out of him sometime, but she hadn’t dared so far. The matter seemed too sacred to approach yet. Perhaps after their wedding vows, she would ask him.

  Ezra was changed, that she knew, and for the better. Of course she had undergone her own adjustments. Ezra would no longer be impressed with the silly girl she had once been. Neither was she capable of further childish stunts, like the ones Sandra and she used to pull.

  Lydia hung the last piece of laundry on the line and hurried toward the house. Emma was in the kitchen with her apron on and flour all over the table. There was a tidier way to make bread than this, but Lydia held her tongue. Emma had already made up her mind to jump the fence after her rumspringa time was up. But Mamm still hoped to change both of her youngest daughters’ minds. She must not interfere or make things difficult for them.

  “You don’t have to get that look on your face,” Emma snapped. “I know I’m not li
ke you when it comes to baking bread, but neither do I have to be. I’m leaving for a world where they have bread-making machines, or you just buy the stuff at the store.” A look of bliss filled Emma’s face.

  Lydia kept silent as Emma continued. “You could have had the same thing, you know, instead of this boring life we lead. Rudy would take you back gladly.”

  “You should think about coming back yourself,” Lydia told her. “Back to where you belong.”

  “Not a chance!” Emma said.

  “You should join the baptismal class this fall,” Lydia said. “Become a church member and settle down.”

  “No way,” Emma replied as she measured flour into the bowl. “I’d have to learn how to bake bread properly, and put up with an Amish husband who would work me half to death.”

  “Sometimes the hard things lead to the best end,” Lydia said. Emma made a face at her sister and added milk to the bowl, then stirred the contents. “Think about it,” Lydia added as she heard Ezra’s buggy pull in the driveway.

  Lydia washed her hands, grabbed her shawl, and went out to greet Ezra’s waiting buggy.

  “What’s the big smile for this morning?” Ezra teased as Lydia climbed in the buggy.

  “Just glad to get away from washing,” Lydia teased back. “And from trouble-bound sisters!”

  “So you just want to get away,” Ezra said. “It’s not about me.” His boyish grin appeared.

  “Okay,” Lydia admitted. “I was thinking of being with you.”

  Ezra chuckled. “Well, that’s better. Did your mamm object that I took you away from the housework this morning?”

  “Nope. She’s glad I’m with you,” Lydia said.