by Tim Dorsey
Serge gave a quick salute, and they ran for the Barracuda.
EPILOGUE
A ND THAT’S THE STORY.
Thirty seconds to airtime. One of the hospitality ladies is pinning an EDITH name tag on me like I’m in kindergarten. They say they can’t tell us apart.
We can hear the TV audience applauding now. It’s time. They’re leading us down the hall. They pull open the curtains. Here we go again.
“GOOD EVENING. I’M Bill Maher and welcome to a special expanded edition of Politically Incorrect. By now you’ve probably all heard what happened down in Tampa, Florida, the third best place to live in the United States…”
(Audience laughter)
“…It’s the story of a neighborhood’s decay. Wild parties, kidnappings, drunkenness, fast cars, deviant parlor games. So I guess next year they’ll be ranked number two…”
(Audience laughter)
“Let’s all give a big hand as we meet the neighbors we’ve reunited. The Davenports. It was their home that was invaded. They’ve since gone into real estate speculation, bought up all the vacant properties on the street and made a killing…”
(Applause)
“Jim and Martha, welcome…”
“Thanks, Bill. Martha and I would like to dispel some of the rumors…”
“Meet Ambrose Tarrington III, the kidnap victim. A millionaire in the eighties who went bust and now has a six-million-dollar movie deal. He’s since gotten remarried—nudge-nudge—and is here tonight with his new wife, Edith Grabowski, and her bridesmaids, the E-Team.”
“Thanks, Bill. I—”
“Hey Edith, how’s the sex life?”
“Better than yours.”
“What a live wire!…Next is John Milton, now a highly sought-after workplace expert. John, I understand you were the consultant behind the recent demolition of the Consolidated Bank Building. Nice to have you.”
“Thanks.”
“Nothing else to say?”
“Well, I was going to point out—”
“I direct your attention to the television set on the side of the stage, where Rocco Silvertone is with us live from prison, where he is serving a life term for kidnapping…”
“We’re going to appeal.”
“But what about the evidence? The thinly veiled ransom message you left on that answering machine?”
“I can explain—”
“We also have with us the five college students who were renting across the street. They’ve since dropped out of school, opened up a chain of voyeur dorms on the Internet, gone public and retired. Is this where the institution of the neighborhood is going? We’ll all just stay inside and watch each other on computers?”
“We hope so.”
“Finally, we have Agent Mahoney, who cracked the case wide open. I understand your boss wasn’t exactly grateful and gave you your walking papers. But you were quickly snatched up by the Metro-Dade Police Department, so the story has a happy ending…. Agent Mahoney, we’ll start with you. What the hell kind of crazy neighborhood was this?”
“No different from a million others in Florida.”
“So they’re all like this? Is that some kind of indictment?…Jesse Jackson?”
“The real question is how do we come together and heal…”
“C’mon! Aren’t we all getting just a little too touchy!…Carrot Top? Your thoughts?”
“I think this is a slippery slope…”
“Then what does that say about us as a people? Or does it say anything at all?…Howie Mandel?”
“Everyone’s got an agenda now. You can’t say anything without stepping on toes.”
“Does anybody have a problem with that?…Penn and Teller?”
“We don’t have a problem with that.”
“Do we even need neighborhoods anymore?…Jewel?”
“We have to draw the line somewhere…”
“Oh, come on!…Jimmy Breslin?”
“I remember in the summer the whole neighborhood would sit outside the Fifty-sixth Precinct and open up the fire hydrants…”
“So the answer is mob rule?…Ice Cube?”
“I think there’s a double standard here…”
“Hasn’t the neighborhood been a myth for a while now, anyway?…Michael Douglas?”
“I disagree. When I was growing up, my father—”
“Mike, come on! Sex addict? Give me a break!”
“That was uncalled for.”
“Anybody got a problem with that?…David Crosby?”
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Hold on. We have a phone call. It’s someone we’ve been trying to get in touch with for a while…Serge, what’s going on?”
“Same old same old. Trying to find this dentist who owes us some money.”
“Serge, I understand you’re a big advocate of family neighborhoods. You’ve heard what the celebrities have said. Are they even in the ballpark?”
“Fuck celebrities.”
(Audience gasp)
“Well (chuckle), that’s why we call it Politically Incorrect…. So what’s your take? Are neighborhoods a thing of the past?”
“It’s anyone’s ball game right now. The parents have home-field advantage, but the numbers are with the pin-heads.”
“I guess I know who you’re pulling for.”
“Whom.”
“(Chuckle) Maybe we should call this ‘Grammatically Incorrect.’”
(Audience laughter, building to applause)
“My hat’s off to ’em. I considered starting a family myself, but I had to admit that I’m just not made of the same Right Stuff alloys like Jim and Martha.”
(Gunfire and squealing tires in the background)
“Why do you say that?”
“I’ve watched them up close. It’s a nerve-shattering daily routine raising a family with all the bozos running around today.”
“You couldn’t handle it?”
(Screaming, shattering glass)
“No way. You have to have balls of steel for that kind of work.”
“Well put.”
(Sirens, “Freeze! Police!” More gunfire)
“Bill, gotta run.”
Click.
Acknowledgments
Appreciation is due to my agent, Nat Sobel, and my editor, Henry Ferris, for patience and understanding as I proceed in my career with the grace of a blindfolded five-year-old going at a piñata.
About the Author
Tim Dorsey was a reporter and editor for the Tampa Tribune from 1987 to 1999 and is the author of the novels Florida Roadkill, Hammerhead Ranch Motel, Orange Crush, Triggerfish Twist, The Stingray Shuffle, and the upcoming Cadillac Beach. He lives in Tampa, Florida. Visit his website at www.timdorsey.com
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors
PRAISE FOR TIM DORSEY
“IS AN INSANE COMIC ANGEL WITH URANIUM FOR BRAINS AND FIFTY HEARTBEATS A SECOND.”
James W. Hall, author of Buzz Cut
TRIGGERFISH TWIST
“ROUSING…
Tim Dorsey has become quite adept at leading readers on a madcap romp through Florida’s finest and foibles, mostly its foibles…He lures the reader in with absurd humor, ludicrous situations, and even some affection for the state he calls home…Dorsey knows how to get your attention…and quite often a belly laugh.”
Chicago Tribune
“IMAGINE THE VIOLENCE OF EDNA BUCHANAN MARRIED TO THE SKEWED WORLDVIEW OF DAVE BARRY. NOW YOU’RE READY TO MEET TIM DORSEY.”
Booklist
“TWISTED FUN…A MUST READ…
The action unfolds at what some might call breakneck speed but which Dorsey fans…will quickly recognize as another sprint on the beach.”
Tampa Tribune
“BIZARRE…HILARIOUS…
It’s safe to say that there is no other state in the nation quite like Florida. It has alligator wrestling, pregnant and swinging ‘chads,
’ manatees, and the largest collection of authors writing edgy, offbeat thrillers anywhere. The quirkiest of them all might be Tim Dorsey…Dorsey’s plot ricochets like a bullet in a bank vault, and there are enough squirrelly characters to fill several John Waters movies…Ultimately, Dorsey’s story shows that Florida is more than a state, it’s a state of mind—and one that could use a prescription for Lithium.”
Denver Rocky Mountain News
“A BRILLIANT SATIRIST.”
Providence Journal
“INSANELY CREATIVE…
Dorsey keeps the good bits coming…His novels feature an astounding variety of lowlifes…It’s always a blast to spend time in Serge’s company (providing you don’t make him mad).”
Albany Times-Union
“WHILE HIGH JINKS AND HUMOR
ARE PARAMOUNT,
Triggerfish Twist is oddly grounded in reality. These characters are spitting images of real Floridians…So what’s up with Florida? Ask Dorsey. He sees it like a native.”
Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel
“CARL HIAASEN, JAMES HALL, ELMORE LEONARD…THESE GUYS FIRE BULLETS. DORSEY MAKES SURE HIS GUN IS FILLED WITH HOLLOW-POINT.”
Sarasota Herald-Tribune
“DORSEY IS COMPULSIVELY IRREVERENT AND SHOCKINGLY FUNNY…
For readers with a high threshold for prurience and violence, Dorsey’s books are definitely funny ha-ha.”
Boston Globe
“SERGE IS DORSEY’S FINEST CREATION:
He may be crazy, but he knows his stuff…It’s a sweet relief to discover that Dorsey can keep up with himself. Heaven knows nobody else can.”
Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel
“IT’S TOUGH TO MAKE A HOMICIDAL MANIAC A SYMPATHETIC HERO, BUT DORSEY PULLS IT OFF.”
Raleigh News & Observer
“A BLAST…
We’re in Dorsey’s world here…and we wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Miami Herald
Books by
Tim Dorsey
TORPEDO JUICE
CADILLAC BEACH
THE STINGRAY SHUFFLE
TRIGGERFISH TWIST
ORANGE CRUSH
HAMMERHEAD RANCH MOTEL
FLORIDA ROADKILL
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
TRIGGERFISH TWIST. Copyright © 2003 by Tim Dorsey. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of PerfectBound™.
PerfectBound™ and the PerfectBound™ logo are trademarks of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Microsoft Reader March 2006 ISBN 0-06-116083-0
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