by Di Morrissey
Chapter Forty-Two
Queenie couldn’t sleep. She felt like she had been attacked in the cruellest way possible — by the man she loved. How could this be happening? She couldn’t cry, she felt only a suffocating pain, as if a blanket had been thrown over her, smothering her, and if she could only pull it off, daylight and sunshine would reveal it had all been a bad dream.
She got out of bed and looked at the clock. It was four in the morning. Slowly she dressed, moving like a robot, unsure of what she was doing or why. She pulled on moleskin pants, her riding boots, one of TR’s shirts that still hung in their shared dressing room, and slung a wool sweater over her shoulders.
She went quietly outside and walked around the garden. A chill wind blew and the sky was clouded. She couldn’t make any sense of it all and the more she thought, the more hurt and confused she became. Her mind conjured up images of her and TR together; it seemed impossible this was the end. The denial in her mind and heart was replaced by a sudden surge of anger, and in a wild burst of anguish she wished he had died. His death would be easier to deal with than this torture.
But then the love she still felt for him, which she knew would never leave her, welled up and swamped all other feelings. She needed to think, to seek some guidance, some help. Surely there had to be another way. She must come to some understanding and acceptance, impossible as it seemed. As if in part response to these questions, it came to her where she might find the answer. She went to the stables where Saskia’s colt was sleeping peacefully in a stall between Honey and Star. Honey pricked up her ears but remained calm as Queenie hurriedly saddled her, filled the water bag and hung it on the saddle. Queenie returned to the kitchen to pack basic food supplies and left a short note for Millie. TR will explain. I need to be on my own for a little while. Q.
At lunch time the following day, Millie returned and began stoking the fire in the Aga. Still puzzling over Queenie’s message, she checked she wasn’t in the house. When Jim came into the kitchen she showed him the note and he hurried outside to look around.
Millie was making tea and toast when Jim returned and shook his head. ‘She’s gone off on Honey. D’you think she might’ve gone to the Quinns’?’
Millie shook her head. ‘She says in the note she wants to be on her own. I have a terrible feeling in my bones, Jim.’
‘You better find TR and ask him what’s going on.’
By early evening Millie was frantic. Across the ranges she could see a storm slowly gathering and instinctively she knew that was the direction Queenie had taken. Now that TR had told her what had transpired between them, she realised Queenie would have been broken-hearted and would, as usual, have taken flight on her horse. She knew Queenie couldn’t contemplate life without TR and she was terrified that she might have done something stupid.
‘TR, you have to find her, bring her back,’ Millie pleaded tearfully. ‘I know something bad is gonna happen to her.’
Jim tried to calm her down. ‘Millie, we don’t know where she went.’
TR looked wretchedly from Jim to Millie, knowing this was his fault. ‘I’ll go and look . . . but she could be anywhere by now.’
‘Get Snowy, he’ll be able to find her. He found her before. Find him, TR, and take him with you.’
TR couldn’t bear the sight of Millie’s tears. ‘Please, don’t cry, Millie. I’ll find her. I’ll talk to Snowy first.’
Jim followed TR as he dashed outside and headed for Snowy’s small cottage. He rapped on the door and when there was no answer, glanced at Jim, who nodded and pushed the door open. In the dim and eerie light of dusk they saw Snowy stretched out on his bunk. He didn’t move and Jim hurried towards him.
‘Snow? Wake up, mate, we gotta problem.’
Snowy didn’t move and fearfully Jim stopped and looked at TR, who rushed to the old man.
‘Snowy?’ He felt for a pulse and lifted Snowy’s bony wrist.
Jim edged over to the bed. ‘Is he . . . ?’
‘He’s still with us. There’s a faint pulse. Snowy, can you hear me?’
Slowly the old man’s eyes opened and he turned his head towards TR and Jim. ‘Queenie . . . she’s out dere agin,’ he whispered.
‘Take it easy, Snow. Go slowly,’ said Jim, taking his hand and giving TR a questioning look.
TR shook his head slightly and bent closer to the old man’s face. ‘Snowy, I’ll find her. Where do I look?’
‘The cave, where you first come t’gether.’
TR looked desperately at Jim. ‘I don’t remember. I don’t remember any cave.’
Jim held his old friend’s hand between his own. ‘Snow, you’re gonna have t’tell TR where it is. I’ll help him.’
Snowy’s eyes closed, but his voice became a little stronger. ‘On the eastern hillside above the dead end of the creek between Tingulla and Ambush Hill.’ Jim nodded at TR, understanding the directions. ‘Halfway up . . . big rock overhang . . . little cave under it. That’s where she’s makin’ for. It’s your special place. You go by y’self, TR.’
Jim went to protest, but glancing at TR’s and Snowy’s faces, he knew better. Snowy still had his eyes closed as if seeing something in some other place. ‘I’ll sketch it out for you,’ said Jim to TR.
‘Snowy, do you want Millie to get the doc for you?’ asked TR, knowing that the old man would refuse.
Slowly the old Aborigine’s eyes opened, and he struggled to focus, but his face was peaceful with the hint of a smile about his mouth. ‘No, but mebbe she might wanna come ’n’ sit with me . . . You git on yer way, TR.’ He reached up and TR clasped the old man’s hand, struggling to hold back his own tears. ‘You tell her, TR, you tell her old Snowy bin lookin’ out fer her.’
‘I will, I will. I’ll find her, Snowy, we’ll be right.’ He patted his hand and turned away as Snowy’s words came strongly with sudden energy. ‘You keep followin’ that mornin’ star, him see yer right.’
TR went straight to the stables and began saddling Star as Jim handed him a torch and explained the directions. ‘You gonna be okay, TR?’
‘Get Millie to throw some tucker in a bag and I’ll need a coat,’ said TR. Jim pointed to the peg on the wall where TR’s old Driza-Bone hung beside an empty peg.
TR swung into the saddle, wincing slightly with pain, and took the canvas bag Millie handed him. Jim stood beside her, holding her arm.
‘You watch out for the old man,’ TR said, reaching down to shake Jim’s hand.
‘Travel safe, TR. I know you gonna find our girl,’ sniffed Millie.
‘I’ll do my best.’ TR swung the horse around and cantered into the fading light.
Queenie had ridden through the day, making camp once and eating a simple meal. She knew where the riverbed was, the gully where they’d herded the brumbies, but finding the cave would be more tricky. She camped the night, sleeping fitfully, and set off into a clouded dawn. Through the morning she and Honey rode towards the gathering storm and by midday it had caught up with them, overtaking and sweeping around them in a battering volley of rain and wind. There was nowhere to shelter so Queenie continued through the streaming rain as the storm intensified. Honey was nervous and in the terrible conditions she stumbled more than once. Queenie tried to soothe the horse, but her own fears were growing. Honey sensed them and twitched fretfully.
Soon the storm and blinding rain blotted out all but a step or two ahead of her. Queenie had worked her way down into the gully and crossed the creek bed, now she was working her way to the cave that had sheltered her and TR one special night long ago. But Honey was not sure-footed in the rain, and as a spear of lightning struck a tree next to them, she reared and her hooves hit a log and she lost her footing.
Queenie came off, and Honey sprawled and rolled onto her back. Suddenly everything around Queenie was happening in slow motion and history was repeating itself — a small girl falling from her crashing horse in a storm.
Queenie screamed aloud, ‘Snowy . . . Snowy . . . ’
TR rode all through the night and by the middle of the next day he could see the storm to the north gather strength and explode. After a few hours he rode into the tail end of it, the rain lashing him and the horse. TR was exhausted and in agony — in the cold and the wet his injured leg had seized up — and it was difficult to see the landmarks Jim had given him. But by dusk the rain had eased and TR found his way to the creek as night fell. The water was running fast but not deep. TR splashed across it and looked up at the sloping hillside. Somewhere up there was an overhanging rock and a cave, and hopefully Queenie, dry and safe.
Slowly and painfully TR dismounted and looped the reins over his arms and began to lead the horse in a zigzag pattern up the muddy, slippery hillside. Why had Queenie taken off for this godforsaken spot, why couldn’t she have worked out her problems closer to home? What was he going to say to her when, hopefully, he found her? He had a lot of respect for this beautiful woman but he couldn’t change anything he’d said to her.
Queenie dragged herself up the hill, her ankle throbbing, sending spasms of pain shooting up her leg. She couldn’t see Honey anywhere, which meant she had been able to move and had headed for safer ground. Operating on instinct, Queenie moved slowly towards the shelter of the cave.
In the moonlit night, with the help of the torch Jim had given him, TR could make out trees and boulders. Shining his torch on the bush around him, he didn’t notice where he was walking and he stumbled slightly. He fell to his knees and jerked on the reins, bringing Star down to his knees, knocking TR to the side. It was a small fall but TR hit the ground hard. Cursing, he shook his head as Star struggled to his feet in the slippery and muddy undergrowth.
TR felt dizzy as he sat up, groping for the reins. He put his fingers to his temple where a throbbing pain had begun. He grabbed the reins and hauled himself to his feet. Doggedly TR set off up the hill leading his horse. He had barely gone a few metres when he felt like someone had come behind him and slammed a fist into the back of his head. He recoiled in shock, reeling and confused. His head felt as if it would explode and he put both hands to his forehead to ease the pain. Suddenly he saw a series of different coloured lights flick on and off, but he quickly realised they were not before him, but inside his head. He could hear a faint hum. He shook his head to clear it and everything stopped. All was silent and for a second he thought he was deaf. Then the sounds of the wet bush and storm returned. He felt light-headed but okay, and he moved on.
It took him ten more minutes until he spotted the overhanging rock and picked his way towards it. It was cold now the storm had passed over. The dripping bush was still as if all about was holding its breath, waiting for the dawn and the warmth of the sun.
TR stopped suddenly. Rushing towards him was a tree . . . the sound of galloping hooves . . . He felt himself falling . . . The picture before him went black. Then he saw Queenie’s face . . . a serious youthful face, shaded by an Akubra hat pulled low as she sat on a splintery railing watching young people on buckjumpers.
TR stared at the entrance to the cave. He hesitated before going forward and then to one side he heard a twig crack. Star lifted his head, staring intently at the cave. TR shone the torch in an arc and Honey walked into view, her reins dangling. TR hurried forward and stopped again. He felt dizzy and scenes and images spun before his eyes like the unravelling of a swift and confusing movie. He waited until the spell had passed and went to the cave entrance. He caught Honey and tied her and Star to a nearby branch. He was shaking and his legs felt as if they would barely support him.
The cave was pitch-black and TR shone the torch round the entrance then hunched down and moved into its depths. He shone the light around again and then saw, in a far corner, the dark shape lying on the floor. In the flickering beam of light, Queenie lay on her side, both arms clutching a leg. There were scratches and dried blood on her face. He reached down and felt her face and pulse and she moaned slightly. She was unconscious and in some pain. He ran his hands along her body and found that her ankle was badly twisted but nothing seemed to be broken. She must have crawled in here and passed out.
TR hurried outside and brought in his small bag and the swag Queenie had on Honey. He unrolled it and threw the thick blanket across her, and headed back outside to try and find some wood that was dry enough to light a fire. He pulled strips of paper bark from a tree, to get to the dry layers to use for kindling and by the mouth of the cave, protected by its overhanging rock, he found a solid dry branch which he dragged inside.
Queenie stirred and lifted her head, thinking she must be dreaming. A small fire crackled in the cave and beside it sat TR, hugging his knees and watching her. She started to sit up and TR was quickly at her side.
‘Take it slowly, you took a bit of a spill by the looks of it. Seems to be a family habit these days.’ He smiled tenderly at her. ‘How do you feel?’
‘My ankle is very sore. My head aches a bit. My shoulder is stiff.’ She stared at him, unsure of his mood. ‘Why are you here? How did you find me?’
‘When Millie found you’d gone, she went into a tailspin. Said it was all my fault you’d taken off, we were both being stupid and the very least I could do was get out and find you. I had no choice, you can’t argue with Millie,’ he grinned.
Queenie looked at him curiously. ‘How did you know where to look?’
TR’s face clouded. ‘Snowy knew. He described this place, how to get here like he could see it. Queenie, I don’t think Snowy is going to make it. He seemed to be fading away. It was like this was his last task,’ added TR gently.
Tears sprang to Queenie’s eyes. ‘Oh no! I must go to him.’ She flung back the blanket and struggled to get up, but sat back down with a painful gasp as her ankle caved in under her.
TR went to her and put his arm around her shoulder to support her. He spoke quietly. ‘Queenie, I don’t think you’ll make it in time. I think he was hanging on until he knew things would be all right.’ Queenie turned her head away and bit her lip as TR spoke with difficulty. ‘He told me this was our special place and it is. Queenie, something happened out there . . .’ He closed his eyes and paused for breath.
Queenie touched his hand. ‘TR . . . do you remember this place?’
He looked at her, his deep blue eyes filled with the love she always knew was there. ‘How could I forget . . . the rainstorm, the flooded river, losing the brumbies, dragging ourselves in here, how cold we were.’ Queenie began to shake as he spoke and he wrapped his other arm about her. ‘How I held us to keep warm and how I kissed you for the first time . . .’ Here he lowered his face and touched his lips to hers, then went on. ‘How I made love to you . . . and how I knew I would never, never, let you out of my life.’ He paused again, crushing her to his chest, his fingers tangling in her hair as he began to cry.
‘Queenie can you forgive me . . . to think I nearly lost you, that I nearly walked away from the love of my life . . . I’m stunned how close I came. Forgive me, Queenie, I didn’t know, didn’t remember anything. Now I see it all. It’s like all these long months have been telescoped into seconds. How hard it has been for you, yet you stuck by me, loyal and loving. Oh, Queenie . . .’
Queenie drew back, her deep green eyes full of tears as she studied his face. Gently she wiped away a tear from his cheek with her finger. ‘You remember. Do you remember . . . everything?’ Her voice was a whisper.
TR nodded. ‘Just out there, such a small bump I took, and I felt dizzy and then it was like a warm flush spread through me, like I was filling up and suddenly it was as if a light had been turned on. Everything was back in place. I was totally calm, it’s like waking up I suppose.’
Tears were spilling from Queenie’s eyes as she smiled at him. ‘It won’t go away again? We’re going to be all right?’
TR drew her to him again. ‘Yes, my darling, everything’s going to be all right.’
As their lips found each other, Millie, sitting by Snowy, saw him smile and sigh and become stil
l. She patted his hand. ‘G’bye, Snow. You done good, old man.’
And above Tingulla, above the cave where Queenie and TR clung together, the morning star shone in the pale lilac sky like a jewel.