“I’m so sorry Jessica,” he said. “That really was throwing you into the deep end. I’ve been dealing with this for so long that I forget it’s all brand-new to you. I hit it big when I was about your age and I’ve had a decade to get used to the crazy. I can’t imagine how that must’ve looked to you.”
I looked up at him and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Damn it. I was not going to do this. I was not going to lose control. I was not the jealous type!
And yet here I was, definitely feeling just a little bit jealous of all those girls who were taking a small piece of him. Sure I’d gotten one hell of a big piece of him, but I still had this ridiculous worry that if all of those girls took those small pieces of him then there was a chance one of them might take away the whole thing from me.
I wiped a tear from my eye. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being ridiculous.”
“No, not at all,” he said. I just have to remember that you’re not used to this life. Not yet.”
That sent a thrill. Yet? That implied there was a future to this. Only at this point I didn’t dare hope for something like that. We’d only just met. Sure we seemed to have really clicked, but I wasn’t going to hope for too much. Hoping meant the crash would be that much more painful when it eventually came. Focus on the convention. On the here and now.
“No,” I said. “I have no right to act like this. It’s not like we’re actually dating or something…”
His hand moved out and cupped my cheeks. I felt like I was on fire where his hand made contact with my body. His thumb stroked my cheek and I felt another thrill run through me. It seemed like life was one thrill after another when I was near him.
“Aren’t we?”
“Are we?”
“I know where I am on that Jessica,” he said. “I flew you across the country so I could see you. I just had one of the most intense experiences of my life with you in that hotel suite. You’re the one who calls that particular shot though.”
I smiled and decided it was my turn to do a judicious changing of the subject that he seemed to be so fond of doing himself. I certainly knew how I thought I felt about him, but I didn’t want to say it. Not this soon. Not when we’d only really met one another for real for the first time earlier today. Giving voice to what I felt seemed stupid, headstrong, the kind of thing that would chase him away if I actually said it.
“We’re going to be late to your next event if we don’t get a move on,” I said.
He blinked and I resisted the urge to giggle at the look on his face. Let him enjoy a taste of his own medicine. Let him feel the frustration of somebody changing the subject when important questions were being asked. I could prove to him that he wasn’t the only person in this relationship to have a little bit of frustrating mystery.
Relationship? Was that how I was starting to think of this? I guess if I was completely honest with myself that’s what I was hoping was happening here, though I was still reluctant to call it that. There was something inside me that was saying I’d ruin everything if I went ahead and said it prematurely.
“I suppose you’re right, we’d better get a move on.”
The next meeting was less eventful than the Q&A. It was a meeting with his publishers which was interesting because they were talking about the next book, or rather how the next book had failed to materialize after two years.
After a little shouting at the beginning it quickly devolved into talk of sales figures and how much money everybody in the room was making which really didn’t interest me at all. I got a few glances when I trailed in behind Sean, but after that everybody pretty much took it as a matter of course that he’d bring a random girl along with him to one of these meetings.
I knew I was being ridiculous, I knew I was reading too much into their reaction, but I couldn’t help but worry at their nonchalance about me showing up to that meeting. Were they acting so nonchalant because Sean Taylor was the one who brought me, the big boss who controlled all the purse strings, and there wasn’t anything they could say about it one way or another?
Or were they acting so nonchalant about a girl showing up to that meeting because that was the sort of thing he did at every convention? Was I just the latest piece he’d brought to a parade in front of them before he whisked me away to do more of this Cinderella at the ball routine to dazzle me into letting him into my pants?
Damn it! Why did I keep thinking like this? Why did I keep letting these thoughts intrude?
Thankfully that meeting was a fast one. Both because it was ridiculously boring, I did get a couple of glares when I pulled out my phone as though I was some sort of corporate spy using my feminine wiles to get secrets out of them, so I put it away and sat in bored silence.
Mostly I was relieved that the meeting was over quickly because that meant I wasn’t alone with my traitorous brain for very long. I could concentrate on how nice it felt to have his arm wrapped around mine. I could concentrate on how nice it was just being with him after so much time getting to know one another online.
I glanced at my phone after we got out of that meeting and was surprised to realize it was getting pretty late in the day. I looked up to Sean. “So are we getting close to the end of the schedule? Maybe we’re getting close to going back to the hotel room?”
“Just one more thing today,” he said. “We have the opening day banquet in the convention center. I have to give a speech and then we’re done. You do get a free meal out of it though.”
My stomach rumbled at the mention of food. We’d been going full tilt all day and I hadn’t even had a chance to grab a quick snack while we were moving around the convention center. I wouldn’t mind having a quick meal.
“Free food sounds good,” I said. “Is it anywhere near as nice or as expensive as lunch?”
Sean chuckled and shook his head. “I’m afraid not. It’s your typical hotel catering stuff. Twenty bucks of cafeteria quality food that the hotel charges fifty bucks a plate for because they can.”
My stomach growled again. “Whatever. At this point I’d be willing to hunt down a cow and kill it with my bare hands if it meant getting a steak.”
Sean chuckled again as we emerged from the tunnels under the convention center into a massive room set up like a banquet Hall.
“You might have to hunt down that cow. I don’t think steak is even on the menu. That would cost extra,” Sean said.
“Whatever. Where do we sit?”
“There’s a table right near the front. It’s mostly people from the publishing company and a couple of high level volunteers who’ve been helping out. But I made sure they got you a seat front and center right next to me.”
I smiled. “Sounds good to me.”
So I found myself sitting at a wide round table near right in front of the stage where Sean was supposed to give his big speech. He made sure I was situated and then he disappeared to get ready for his speech. Though he promised there weren’t going to be any of the shenanigans like earlier when he was wearing that ridiculous costume.
Despite the roller coaster ride that was today, despite how overwhelming it all was, and most definitely despite how I’d had that little breakdown under the convention center earlier in the day, I was feeling pretty good about myself. The day was actually ending on a high note. Aside from my breakdown and the occasional bout of crippling insecurities there’d been no major disasters and I was actually feeling pretty damn good about myself and how things were going with Sean.
Those good feelings lasted right up until the moment I felt rather than saw somebody sidling into the empty chair next to me. I turned and my heart nearly stopped.
It was her. The girl I’d seen up on stage. Obviously one of the convention volunteers, and a fairly major one if she was able to get a seat at this table.
And rather than glaring at me like earlier when she was on stage she was smiling. A smile that definitely didn’t reach her eyes. I was immediately on guard.
20: Insecurities
/> Okay. I didn’t know who this girl was. Maybe I’d imagined her glaring at me or something. I tried to think the best of people. To give them the benefit of the doubt.
“Hi,” I said.
That smile grew even wider. “Hi yourself.”
“I’m Jessica,” I said.
She looked me up and down and some of that hostility was back in that look. Who the hell was this girl, and what the hell was her problem that she kept looking at me like that?
“I don’t really need to know your name,” she said.
I blinked. Okay. So that was kind of rude. No, that was more than rude. What the hell was this girl’s problem? But I didn’t want to make a scene. Especially since we had a table full of convention volunteers and people from the publishing company sitting around us. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass Sean in front of the people he worked with. To get a reputation as the crazy girl he was dating or something. So I kept my voice down.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She looked me up and down again and a look of sympathy crossed her face. Only I didn’t believe it for a moment. Just like with the smile on her face earlier that sympathy never quite reached her eyes. She looked decidedly insincere. I was starting to wonder if this girl had the capacity for genuine emotion. My hackles were certainly raised. I was starting to feel the same as earlier when jealousy got the better of me and I nearly launched myself across a convention hall to claw at one of those crazy girls.
“Oh honey,” she said, her voice dripping with false sympathy. Though there was a twinkle in her eye that said she was enjoying this. “None of the convention staff ever bothers to learn the names of the girls he brings to these things.”
I felt a chill run through my body. I felt as though I’d been punched in the gut. On the one hand I didn’t trust this girl any further than I could throw her, and even though she was pretty petite I wasn’t nearly strong enough to toss her very far let me tell you. Only what she’d just said hit too close to home. It was too close to all the worries, all the insecurities that had been running through my head ever since I first discovered who my mysterious online stranger really was. All the worries I had about why he’d ever be interested in a girl like me came crashing down around me at her words.
A wide grin split her face as a sickly expression crossed my own face. A predatory grin that was the first genuine emotion I’d seen from her since she sat down. I felt like she could see the mix of insecurities and worries running through my head. Taking over. Making me short of breath as I spiraled dangerously close to a full-blown panic attack.
“You’re lying,” I said.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” an announcer said up on stage. “Sean Taylor!”
Sean strolled out onto the stage with a huge smile on his face. He looked amazing. He looked dazzling. He looked so delicious. He didn’t look like the kind of guy who would deceive a girl for a one night stand at a convention, but then again when I’d known him online he didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would lie about every little detail about his life either.
If he was willing to lie about who he was who’s to say he wouldn’t be willing to lie about other things? It’s like the worst-case scenario centers in my brain were going into a tailspin, spiraling out of control, and now that I had the smallest bit of confirmation I couldn’t resist those thoughts. They were threatening to overwhelm me.
The girl reached out and placed a hand on my own. She looked me straight in the eyes. “I wouldn’t tell you this if I didn’t think you needed to hear it.”
“Needed to hear what? I said you’re lying!”
I don’t know why I kept saying that. Perhaps I wanted to protect myself. Only no matter how many times I said she was lying it didn’t chase away my doubts. If anything it just confirmed them. Magnified them.
The people sitting at the table were starting to notice something was going on. They were turning to look at us. Turning to look at me in particular as though I was crazy. I glanced up to the stage and Sean looked down. Drawn no doubt drawn by my shout. I blushed, but I didn’t care. His eyes moved to the girl sitting next to me and I saw something replace the confusion on his face.
Fear.
That fearful glance when he saw who I was sitting next to was enough to cause the entire fantasy world I’d been building up around me over the weekend to come crashing down. That fear told me everything I needed. He was afraid of me sitting next to her. No doubt afraid she was going to tell me exactly what she was telling me right now. I turned back to her.
I didn’t want to hear anything she had to tell me, but I at the same time I had to hear it.
“Tell me what you’re talking about,” I said.
Her eyes darted up to the stage and she flashed a triumphant smile. I had no doubt Sean was still looking down at us, but I didn’t turn to see. Let him look. Let him see the truth finally coming out.
“I was sitting exactly where you were a couple of years ago. He wined and dined me, did the whole fan girl meeting her hero routine, and then at the end of the convention when he got what he wanted he tossed me aside.”
My breathing was coming in labored gasps. Everything she was saying sounded so close to the truth I’d been afraid to admit to myself. It was finally happening. That other shoe I’d been afraid of this entire time was finally stomping down on me, on the silly dreams I’d constructed, and it was stomping down with one hell of a vengeance!
I put my head in my hands. I couldn’t believe I’d been so naïve. He’d lied about so much. Why would I assume he was telling the truth when he acted like he actually had feelings for me? I was nothing more than another convention conquest, and I felt used.
I needed to get the hell out of here. I didn’t even want to go back up to the suite, but it was the only option. Even if it did have the taint of what we’d done there twice today. Maybe Samantha would let me stay in her room while I figured out a way to get home. She could at least enjoy the suite. We had it for the rest of the weekend after all. I didn’t want to be anywhere near it though. I didn’t want to be anywhere near any location where he’d be able to find me easily. Where I’d be at his beck and call. The last thing I wanted was to be in a hotel suite purchased for me so I could be nothing more than a glorified booty call for the duration of the convention weekend!
“I know it’s a lot for you to deal with,” the girl said. Her voice dripping with false sympathy. I needed to lash out at something. And she was convenient. I pulled my hand away from her.
“You can shut the fuck up!” I screamed.
I was surprised at how loud I was. Loud enough that the publishing people and convention staff sitting at the table weren’t the only ones who turned and stared this time. No, more people were starting to realize there was a cat fight brewing. Sean even stopped his speech for a moment and looked down. It was a nervous and fearful glance that just served to further cement in my mind that this girl talking to me and telling me the truth was the last thing he wanted to happen.
“What’s your problem?” she asked.
“You’ve been glaring at me all day long! Don’t act like you’re not happy that you’re chasing me off! Maybe he did use you and drop you a couple of years ago, but you’re not telling me this out of any sympathy or the goodness of your heart. You’re telling me this because you can’t stand the idea of another girl with him!”
“Well sorry I tried to help you, you crazy bitch!”
I had a feeling that if she’d gotten a little too close to home telling me the truth about Sean then I’d also hit a little close to home speaking the truth to her about her motivations for telling me all this. No, this wasn’t the kind of girl who would tell me something like that out of some altruistic desire to help. She was looking to get at the new girl. Only I wasn’t going to be the new girl for much longer. She could have the lech.
The devastatingly handsome and charming lech. Even through my anger it was difficult for me to stay angry when I had all
the warm fuzzies saved up from the past couple of weeks to counterbalance it.
I needed to get out of here. I needed to hold onto that anger.
I stood, nearly sending my chair flying as I did, and flew towards the back of the room. I needed to get the hell out of here, and I needed to get the hell out of here now. I felt tears welling up and the last thing I wanted was to start sobbing in the middle of a massive banquet hall like this. The last thing I needed was to make even more of a spectacle of myself than I already had. I’m sure this was already going to become a piece of convention lore. The day two of Sean Taylor’s women got into a catfight and one of them ran out of the room sobbing.
The thing that hurt the most wasn’t hearing the truth from that girl. It wasn’t that everything had finally come crashing down around me when I spent the day pretending I was in the middle of some fairytale. Pretending something like that could happen to a girl like me.
No, the thing that hurt the most was that he didn’t stop his speech. He kept nattering on about how he created the Elassa series and making excuses for why the latest book was taking so long. What he wasn’t doing was running across the convention hall to try and stop me. He wasn’t doing anything to try and hold onto me even though he could obviously see me leaving.
I was being a silly girl though. I don’t know why I was expecting that. It was so ridiculous. Rushing down to tell me everything I just heard was wrong? That it was all a misunderstanding? That he wanted to be with me? That was the kind of thing that only happened in cheesy romance books, and I was strictly a fantasy and science-fiction kind of girl.
I paused at the hall doors and turned around to look at Sean one final time. Most of the convention center had no idea what was going on. Most of that crowd had no idea that my world was being destroyed. Samantha wasn’t even around to keep me company. No, I was all alone, tears welling up in my eyes, as he continued talking about how wonderful he was and how wonderful his stupid Elassa series was and why the next book would totally be worth the wait.
Boy Meets Geek Page 16