by Susanna Carr
“What?” Sydney stared at him and spread her arms out wide. “What are you talking about? When have I treated you like that?”
Matthew paused. He’d figured that Sydney had trusted him because he had no power over someone as sophisticated as her. But she hadn’t acted as if he was beneath her. Sydney had treated him with respect. It had all been in his head. He was the one who’d believed he had nothing to offer her. And when he’d read the notebook, all of his insecurities had magnified.
She held out her hand. “Please give me my notebook.”
He hesitated. “Sydney, I acted out your fantasies because I wanted to give you pleasure. I wanted to be the one who gave you what you longed for, but I knew you wouldn’t tell me what your fantasies were.”
“I’m not listening anymore.”
He took a deep breath. He had to make her listen. He had to make this right. “When I read what you had written, I was so damn thrilled that you felt the same way about me as I felt about you. But I was nervous, too. Intimidated.”
She dropped her hand. “About what?”
“I was worried that I couldn’t meet your expectations. That I would ruin your fantasies.”
“That’s crazy. You have no reason for concern. And if you were so worried, you would have followed the fantasies step-by-step. You improvised. You took the fantasies to the next level.”
“They weren’t just your fantasies,” he said quietly. “They were mine.”
“Then why do I feel like I’m the one who has been exposed?” Sydney said as she flattened her hand against her chest. “I’m the vulnerable one.”
“Because you weren’t ready to share how you felt. But that’s not like you, Sydney. You go after what you want, but you didn’t go after me.”
“I explained to you what I just went through with my ex. You know why I’ve been holding back.”
“But that’s not the whole reason.” He finally understood it. Now, when it was too late. “You didn’t share your fantasies with me because you didn’t really trust me. Did you think I would deny you? Or did you think I would ruin your fantasy?”
“I think you should give me my notebook right now.”
He opened the drawer and pulled out the notebook. Matthew held it out for her. She grabbed it but he didn’t let go. “Sydney, I never meant to hurt you.”
“How was I supposed to feel after you read this and used it against me?”
He let go of the notebook. “I didn’t use it against you. I wanted to give you your fantasy. What can I do to fix this?”
“Nothing,” Sydney said as she whirled around and left. “Don’t even try.”
6
SYDNEY WISHED SHE COULD feel numb. It had been two days since her confrontation with Matthew but the anger continued to swirl inside her. She felt vulnerable and exposed to the one person who mattered most. And he’d used that information for his own gain.
She curled herself into the sturdy lawn chair, gripped her wineglass a little tighter and watched her friends sit at her patio table and read the notebook. It was quiet in her backyard and the sun was just beginning to set. There was no place to hide.
But she didn’t have to hide with Isabel and Laura. She’d written the diary for them. She’d been trying to prove a point. A point that she seemed to have forgotten in the process.
“Wait, wait,” Laura muttered, grabbing the edge of the paper as Isabel tried to turn the page. “I’m not done yet.”
Isabel rolled her eyes. “This is why I suggested we read it at separate times.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” Laura asked as she continued to read.
“You’ve probably read enough to get the idea,” Sydney said.
“Are you kidding?” Isabel protested. “We’re at the point where X takes you in the front of his pickup truck.”
“You make it sound much more romantic than it actually is,” Laura said.
“It’s not me in the truck,” Sydney reminded them. “Although all of Seedling seems to think so.”
“And X is not Matthew Stone?” Laura teased, arching her eyebrow.
Sydney stared down at her wineglass. “Let’s just say he was the inspiration.”
Laura leaned back in her chair. “I hate to admit it, Isabel, but Sydney’s proved her point. It’s quite possible that The Secret Diary of an Anonymous Victorian Lady is made up.”
Isabel sat up straighter. “No, I refuse to believe that.”
“If you didn’t know this was fake,” Laura gestured at the notebook in Isabel’s hands, “you’d believe Sydney and X did all of this around Seedling.”
“Maybe they did.”
Sydney didn’t respond. She had lived out some of those scenes. At the time she’d imagined it was because she and Matthew wanted the same things. She believed they had the same fantasies.
That should have been her first clue. Men had different fantasies. Different ideas when it came to romance. With men, all was fair in love and war.
Isabel slapped the notebook onto the table. “I’m telling you, Hazel and Ernest were real. It’s obvious.”
“I’m willing to agree they were real people, but I don’t think the events mentioned in the book are real. Hazel could have been a repressed woman who had fantasies about someone unattainable. She could only experience her erotic ideas by putting them down on paper.”
“No.” Isabel shook her head. “That would have been too risky. What if someone had read her diary? Look at what happened even centuries later to Sydney.”
Laura made a face. “Writing down fantasies is too risky but having sex in the carriage house isn’t?”
Isabel gave a huff of exasperation. “Hazel was caught up in the moment. The man she desired wanted her. Her joy was palpable on every page.”
Sydney paused as she took a sip of wine. She understood exactly what Isabel was talking about. The joy of finding someone who you wanted to be with all the time—and knowing they felt the same way. The happiness that radiated from you even when you were alone. The love that wrapped around you as a couple, shielding you. Those emotions were missing from her fake diary because she only experienced them after she wrote the erotic scenes.
“I was wrong,” Sydney said slowly as she set down her wineglass. “Hazel and Ernest are real.”
Laura’s mouth dropped open. “What are you talking about?”
She turned to Isabel. “I’m so sorry I challenged you on this book. I was so determined that no secret love affair could be this sweet and hopeful. It’s because I didn’t have that. I had never been in love like that. Happy and confident. Safe in the knowledge that someone adored and cherished me. Head over heels in love like Hazel.”
“Are you kidding me?” Laura said in a squawk. “You’re changing your mind because Hazel sounded happy in her diary?”
“No, Hazel was in love, and it came through in how she described Ernest,” Sydney explained. “In what she said about his touch and his behavior. If someone was going to fake that, why would they bother? They know most people would only concentrate on the sex.”
“Well, yeah,” Laura said, gesturing wide with her arms. “That’s the best part.”
“We’ll agree to disagree on that,” Isabel said.
“So...” Laura drawled as she tried to understand, “now Hazel feels more real to you because you are just as head over heels in love with Matthew?”
“Laura!” Isabel jabbed her elbow in Laura’s side.
“Love?” Sydney’s voice was high and tight as something close to panic gripped her chest. “No, I can’t be in love with Matthew. How can I be?” She’d thought he wanted to spend every waking moment together and adored her the same way she adored him. Now she wasn’t sure if any of that was true. “He is not the man I believed he was. The Matthew I dreame
d up wouldn’t have read my diary.”
“Wasn’t really a diary,” Laura muttered.
Sydney rubbed her hands against her face. “Okay, my private thoughts. And then he used them.”
“Against your will?” Laura asked.
“Of course not!” Her skin tingled as she remembered how hard Matthew had worked to give her pleasure. Sydney cleared her throat and pushed back her hair from her warm face. “He said he was intimidated because I’m supposedly too sophisticated. Can you believe that?”
“Yeah,” Laura and Isabel said in unison.
Sydney sat up straight. “Seriously?”
Isabel waved the question away. “Matthew has wanted you since the day you showed up in Seedling. You say he stayed away because journalists shouldn’t fraternize with politicians, but maybe that wasn’t it. Have you considered that he didn’t think he had a chance with you?”
Sydney leaned forward in her chair. “That’s ridiculous. He’s Matthew Stone. He has no problems getting the women he wants.”
“That’s true,” Laura said, “but you’re not most women around here. I’ve never seen you flirt. In Seedling, if a woman wants a man she just grabs him and finds the nearest dark corner.”
“Only you do that, Laura,” Isabel said.
“None of this excuses Matthew for what he did,” Sydney said. “He should have told me that he had my notebook. He shouldn’t have read it.”
“Agreed,” Isabel said. “I mean, if Matthew had written down all the ways he was going to seduce and romance you, you wouldn’t look at it.”
Sydney pressed her lips together. She would have been deeply curious to know how Matthew would court and woo her. “I wouldn’t go that far,” she admitted. “I might have taken a peek.”
Isabel took a sip of wine and continued, “And if you knew what his idea of a perfect date might be, you wouldn’t make sure it went off without a hitch. You wouldn’t make sure his dream date came true.”
Sydney shook her head. “There is a big difference between a dream date and an erotic fantasy.”
“Oh, Sydney,” Laura said with a cluck of her tongue, “then you are not dating right.”
Isabel jabbed Laura in the side again.
Sydney raised her hands. “I get it. It is possible that Matthew made a big mistake because he wanted to—”
“Satisfy you.” Laura scooted away from Isabel’s elbow. “And how did you repay the favor? You accused him of having an ulterior motive.”
“He might have one,” Sydney said.
“Oh, please, this is Matthew Stone we’re talking about,” Isabel said. “What you see is what you get.”
“That’s true.” She had seen Matthew at his best and at his worst. He wasn’t perfect but he was a good man. Sydney had been deeply surprised that he had her notebook because it was unlike him to be deceitful. She knew he regretted his actions, not because he got caught, but because it wasn’t honest.
Sydney’s shoulders slumped. “I messed up. I immediately assumed it was a repeat of what happened with my ex and I reacted. But Matthew didn’t need help romancing me. He does just fine on his own. I’m the one who needs a playbook, now more than ever. He’s not going to have anything to do with me.”
“I’m not so sure,” Isabel said. “He’s probably going out of his mind thinking of a way to get you back.”
Laura nodded. “I’ve never seen him so lovesick before. Miss Doris said she doesn’t know whether to hug him or put him out of his misery.”
“Don’t tell me that!” Sydney said. She didn’t want to cause Matthew pain. “What am I going to do to make this right?”
“Show him that you understand how he feels,” Laura advised. “He took a risk even though he wasn’t sure whether it would make him lose his only chance or make him king of the world.”
“So that means I should take a risk? Just go up to him and ask for a second chance?” Her stomach twisted as she imagined how badly that would go.
“No, you have to do something really bold. Make it very clear that you want him,” Laura explained. Her eyes widened as she decisively set down her wineglass. “You know, Matthew has acted out some of your fantasies...”
Sydney’s breath caught in her chest. “I don’t like where this is going.”
“Right, Laura,” Isabel said, warming up to the idea. “It’s only fair. Is there any fantasy that Matthew might have? Something that you can act out for him?”
Sydney felt her skin heat as she recalled Matthew mentioning one of his fantasies. All it required was a trench coat and a brazen attitude. She had neither.
“I think she knows one,” Laura whispered to Isabel.
“I...I...” She already felt vulnerable. She wasn’t sexy enough to follow through on Matthew’s fantasy. What if she got it wrong? What if she ruined it? “I’m not sure about this...”
“Even better,” Laura said. “Matthew put himself out there for you. Why won’t you do the same for him?”
“Because he’s not happy with me right now,” Sydney said. “He’s going to reject me.”
“No, he won’t,” Isabel promised. “He’s going to be so thrilled that he won’t remember what you argued about.”
“This is where our book club selection comes in handy,” Laura said excitedly. “Follow the suggestions outlined at the end of the How to Seduce a Man book and he won’t even remember his name.”
* * *
“OH, THIS WAS a bad idea,” Sydney said, her wobbly voice echoing in the empty corridor as she stepped out of the elevator. She slowly faced the mayor’s office suite. How did she get herself into these situations? Why did she listen to her friends?
After today, she was placing a ban on all book club experiments.
Taking a deep breath, Sydney rolled her shoulders back and marched through the doorway. Her spindly heels clicked against the floor and she was afraid her feet were going to fly right out from under her. That would be disastrous especially since she wasn’t wearing anything under the cherry-red raincoat.
She wished she had practiced the bold walk a little more, but her friends refused to waste any more time, declaring it a stalling tactic. Of course it was a stalling tactic! There was a lot riding on her surprise meeting with Matthew. If she botched it, she wouldn’t get another chance.
She walked up to the desk in the reception area and offered what she hoped was a breezy smile to Matthew’s assistant. “Hello, Tanya.”
“Sydney.” Tanya slowly took in Sydney’s appearance and her gaze rested on the raincoat’s short hem that revealed Sydney’s bare legs. “You know it’s not going to rain this week, right?”
“So I’ve been told.” Sydney kept her smile. “You would not believe how many people are aware of the weather forecast.”
“Well, Seedling is an agricultural community. Are you wearing anything under that?”
“Of course,” she lied.
“If you say so.” Tanya glanced at her calendar. “I don’t have you on the schedule today.”
“My mistake, Tanya,” Matthew said, standing at the threshold of his office door. “I forgot to mention it to you.”
Sydney turned at the sound of Matthew’s voice. Her heart did a tumble as she spotted him. He wore his usual flannel shirt, T-shirt, jeans and boots, but his smile was missing. She saw the shadows on his face and there was no spark in his eyes as he looked at her.
The hope pressing against her skin shriveled. He didn’t even notice that she was acting out his fantasy. Or, worse, he just didn’t care. The raincoat rubbing against her thighs felt even shorter and she resisted the urge to pull down the hem.
“Matthew,” Tanya said with a touch of annoyance. “How many times—”
He raised his hand as if he was giving a pledge. “I know, I know. I’ll do better.
Why don’t you come inside, Sydney?”
She hesitated. Retreat would be the best option. She should come up with an excuse for a quick exit. But she’d regret not following this through. She had to give this crazy idea her best chance. “Thanks,” she muttered. She was clumsy in her stilettos though she tried to stride confidently into Matthew’s office.
“Nice raincoat,” he commented as he closed the door behind her.
“It’s Laura’s.” She gripped the sash.
“I should have guessed,” Matthew said as he walked to his desk.
“The shoes are Isabel’s. Who knew, right?” she said with a nervous chuckle as she shifted from one foot to the other. “She said we were the same size. She lied.”
He sat on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms. “Why are you here, Sydney?”
Her hands flexed at her sides. “Isn’t it obvious?”
Matthew’s jaw clenched as his gaze traveled down the length of her body. “No.”
“Really?” She thrust a hand in her curly hair. “Wow, I really suck at this. You see—”
“Are you setting me up for something?” Matthew asked coldly. “Trying to take one of my fantasies and use it against me?”
Sydney’s mouth gaped. “No! I wouldn’t do that. Do you think I’m the kind of person who would?”
“No,” he said with a weary sigh. “But you were really angry when you found out I had your notebook. I know my apology wasn’t enough and that you don’t trust me.”
She took a step closer to him. “Matthew, I’m the one who is sorry. I’m embarrassed that I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I know you’re not the kind of person who would use my personal information against me. You would never play those games.”
“I should have given you the notebook the minute I got it from Miss Doris,” he said.
“And I should have given you some indication of how much I wanted you,” Sydney said. “I should have told you.”
Matthew shook his head and gripped the edge of the desk with his hands. “No, you did nothing wrong. Don’t take any of the blame. You had to keep quiet for your job.”
She swiped her tongue along her bottom lip and took another step toward Matthew. “If I have to hide the fact that I’ve fallen for you, then I need to rethink my job.”