by Jackie Olson
The thing that scared me was that I worried if my husband had secret feelings for Carla as well. If he did, then our relationship had absolutely no hope. If he didn’t, then why would he do something so intimate with her?
I felt torn up inside as I sped back to our house. Scott, that man I live with, was home with the kids. He was playing basketball outside with Oliver when I arrived. It was a bittersweet moment as I saw them playing together. Scott didn’t look bothered at all. Madison was in the grass with one of her dolls. I didn’t want to spoil the moment, but I knew I couldn’t hold in my words very long. I got out of the van. Everyone gave me a general wave and continued on with their activities.
“Madison,” I said, calling her over and dealing with her first. “Can you get your favorite toys and put them in the van? We are going to go to Grandma’s.”
“Grandma’s?” Madison asked. “Why?”
“Grandma misses us,” I said. “Go fast so Grandma isn’t sad for very long.”
Madison ran into the house.
“Time out,” I said, tapping my hands together to the boys.
“What’s up?” Scott asked.
I ignored him. “Oliver, I need to you to go get some clothes. We’re going to visit Grandma.”
“What about school?”
“We’ll worry about it tonight,” I said.
Oliver shrugged. “You’re weird, Mom.”
“I know,” I said.
Scott was looking at me closely. “What are you doing?” he asked. “Where did you go?”
“I’d prefer we have this conversation in private,” I said, “not where any neighbor who cares to be nosy can see.”
“Just tell me where you went,” Scott’s voice was low and gravely. I could tell he was upset.
“Just come with me,” I said, my voice angrier. We went upstairs to our bedroom, and I shut and locked the door behind us. “I went to pay a visit on Carla.”
“I knew you went in my phone!”
“Don’t worry,” I said, my voice sarcastic. “I was just doing the kind thing and taking her back her lost property.”
“I can’t believe you would go behind my back, and. . .”
“Just shut up!” I shouted. I was breathing heavily, and I took my time before I continued. I never wanted the kids to hear us arguing. “You are the liar here. You cheated on me, and you lied about it.”
“What did Carla tell you?”
“She told me the truth, and don’t try to deny it! Her story made sense. What woman after you telling her to leave the house would then take off more clothing and wait around for you? You’re a liar, Scott!” The tears started making their way down my face again. “Why would you do that to me? To us? To our kids? Don’t you have any control? What do you feel for Carla?”
“I don’t feel anything,” Scott protested.
“Oh, so that’s what you do with women you don’t care about?”
“Just tell me what she told you.”
“She told me that you were in the kitchen cooking together, and it just ‘happened.’” I threw up my hands to emphasize the air quotes. “She said everything happened, Scott.”
Scott was silent as I cried.
“So stop making excuses and face up to what you did. It’s so much worse now that you lied. I can’t ever trust you again,” I said.
“Don’t say that,” Scott protested. “You’ll be fine soon. I made a mistake.”
I didn’t even know what to say to this trickster, this man to whom I had given everything. “You’ve betrayed me,” I whimpered out like a child. Scott stepped toward me and tried to hug me, but I pushed him away. “Don’t come near me!” I spit out. “You don’t get to have sex with another woman then hug the problem away! We’re going to my mom’s house. Don’t talk to us. Just keep being a pastor, if that’s what you want to call it.”
I stomped around the room, throwing some items in the still half-full bag from the soccer tournament. I left Scott staring after me as I gathered some clothes from Madison’s room. I hurried outside and saw Oliver bouncing the basketball. Madison was sitting on the front step picking grass apart.
“Let’s go!” I tried to call out cheerfully.
“Is Daddy coming?” Madison asked.
“Not this time,” I replied. “Not ever,” I muttered under my breath.
Chapter 4
My kids were very silent on the way to Grandma’s. I looked back at them a few times. Oliver was playing on his DS, and Madison was carefully dressing her doll. They seemed fine. Maybe I was just going crazy with the stress, so I was seeing something wrong with my kids. My mom was not expecting us, but she was happy to usher us inside.
“Something’s wrong, Eileen,” my mom said.
“I nodded. I’ll tell you when the kids go to bed.”
My mom took the kids to the playground behind her house, and I got some time by myself to think through the crazy events of the day. I was finally able to think through each story without breaking down in tears. It wasn’t what I had ever expected, having been in such an amazing relationship with this man, but life would go on. I would not die, even though the pain threatened to take over my body. I had two amazing children, and they needed me.
“God,” I said, praying for the second time since I had found out. “I really need some help right now. My heart loves Scott, and I couldn’t stop loving him even if I tried, even in the midst of this.” I was silent for a few minutes. “God, that doesn’t mean I should subject myself to this, does it? I know we are married before Your eyes. I know that divorce is not an option, but I don’t know how I can continue cooking and cleaning for this man as though I am not scarred. Please, I need help.”
I fell asleep on the couch, exhausted from my runaway emotions that day. That night, I tucked my kids into bed a little bit early. I told them they would need to wake up early so we could get to school on time. Oliver was not happy about that.
When I went in to tuck Madison into bed, the same bed I would be sleeping in that night, we prayed as we always did. Her eyes popped open afterward, and she looked at me solemnly. “Mommy, what’s sex?”
My mouth may have dropped open a little bit, but I tried to keep my reaction inside. Kids are very observant. “Where did you hear that word?” I asked cautiously.
“When you and Daddy were talking,” Madison said.
I closed my eyes a took a deep breath, not yelling at her like I wanted to do, but answering her question in a manner that would satisfy her without making her even more curious. “It’s what happens when a Mommy and Daddy have a baby.”
“Oh, so I can’t do sex yet?” Madison asked.
“No, it’s for husband and wife. Besides,” I said, touching her little tummy. “No baby can fit inside here.”
Madison laughed. “I’m going to have seven babies when I’m a mommy.”
“Good night, baby,” I said, kissing her forehead. I escaped from the bedroom then shook my head. Scott’s decision was already affecting our kids. Madison had learned a new word, one that a little girl her age should never know.
I sat up late, talking to my mom and getting her advice. She told me that I should keep my distance for now and work through it with God by my side.
“You’ll find that even when your closest friend on earth has betrayed you that God is waiting right there for you to come to Him.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said. I told her about Madison’s question, and she was just as bothered by it as I was.
“That’s a shame,” she said. “I want you to remember that no matter how frustrated you are with Scott, you should never talk about it with Madison or Oliver. It will skew their view of him, and you don’t want that. Work this out with Scott, and once you have decided what to do, then you can decide what you want to tell them.”
“What do you mean: what I want to do?”
My mom shrugged. “You are not forced to stay in a relationship with an unfaithful man. The Bible even says, in one of the Corinthians
I believe, that one of the few reasons you can ever get a divorce or leave your husband is in a case of unfaithfulness.”
I swallowed. That hadn’t even crossed my mind as a possibility. I had just wanted to get away from him to think. “But if I do that,” I said cautiously. “He might lose his position at the church.”
My mom shrugged. “There are consequences for each decision we make.”
I swallowed and thanked her for her advice. I wanted to sleep right now, but in the morning, I wanted to talk through things with Scott.
Chapter 5
Once I dropped the kids off at school, I drove over to my house. Scott was getting ready to head out the door. He saw me drive the van up, and he waited on the front porch.
“Good morning!” he said. “You came over.” He looked surprised.
“I just want to talk to you and figure things out, okay? So, let’s figure it out.”
“I’m really sorry,” Scott said, talking fast. “It was wrong. I know it. I gave into temptation, and then when the opportunity came to lie, I gave into it. It was completely wrong on my part, and I know that. I just want to take responsibility. I will tell you up front. That was the only time.”
“You’ve been completely faithful to me other than this time?” I confirmed.
Scott nodded. “I promise.” He took both of my hands in his. “I’m not going to lie to you anymore.” He wiped his face with one hand, and I saw that he was sweating in the heat. “Please, please, please, can you possibly find it in your heart to forgive me?”
I had been trained in this. No matter how much you were hurt, you had to forgive. I slowly nodded. “Yes, I forgive you.” Surprisingly, the words made me feel as though a ton had been lifted off my chest. Scott me pulled me toward him, and I fell into his embrace with almost no resistance. It just felt too right to be in his arms. I forced myself to gently push him back.
“I forgive you, Scott, but. . .”
Scott shook his head. “You can’t forgive someone but hold onto something. You have either forgiven me or you haven’t.” His preachy words made me feel angry.
“I have forgiven you. I know what’s in my heart, but that doesn’t mean I’m coming back to sleep in your bed tonight.”
At that point, Scott stopped trying to pull me into an embrace. “What are you talking about? We’re going to move forward. Besides, the kids are going to think something is strange if you’re staying at your mom’s. Are you planning on keeping them from seeing me?”
“No,” I said evenly. “You are welcome to see them, but I am not going to share a bed with you. I just need some time to think through things. Please, give me that,” I said gently.
“I cannot believe this,” Scott said. “I get it. You’re hurt. But we’ve been married for fifteen years. Doesn’t all that trust outweigh the hurt you feel right now?”
“No,” I said gruffly, taking a step back from him. “Do you want to know why? All the trust we have now is broken. I don’t have it sitting, weighing up against the hurt I feel.”
Scott shook his head. “Fine, you are making this decision, but I’ve done everything I can do. I can’t go back and change anything that happened. There is nothing else I can do to make it better.” Scott glanced at his watch. “I have a nine o’clock appointment at the church.”
“Right,” I said, stepping aside and letting him walk to his car. It felt strange as I stood on the porch and watched him leave. There was no ‘have a good day’ or ‘I love you.’ I missed it, but I knew that I couldn’t miss it right then. I needed to figure this out without his words manipulating my thoughts.
I went in the house and gathered a few extra things. I knew the kids would get suspicious, and I didn’t know what to tell them. I didn’t want them worrying if it wasn’t necessary, but the feeling in my stomach said their worrying might be necessary. I loved Scott, but I couldn’t be hurt again. I had to do something that would protect me against further damage. What hurt the most was that Scott was always the person I went to with these types of problems.
I picked the kids up from school, and they instantly protested when I took them to my mom’s house again. They didn’t like the change in routine. Oliver was more astute than Madison, and he asked where his daddy was. I answered him as honestly as I could.
“Oliver, right now, Daddy has a problem. I want to help him, and the best way I can help him is to let him have a lot of time alone with God.”
Oliver didn’t accept my answer. “But, we’re going to go back, right?”
“Of course,” I said. I wasn’t planning on abandoning the house I had made into our home.
We stayed at my mom’s for the whole week, and Scott never came by. I was mostly disappointed. I wanted him to at least show some interest in the kids and not let our argument get in the middle. Both children were disgruntled, and I decided it was high time I take them home. I needed to talk with Scott and tell him what I had decided.
When we reached the house, Scott wasn’t there, but that was okay. I waited until he got home, at about seven that evening. The kids were so excited to see him that they threw themselves at him. He instantly became distracted with them, and I left them downstairs alone. He came up to the bedroom later. I was serious, and my tears were long gone.
“I want to talk to you,” I said.
Scott waited patiently for me to continue. I was very busy with the load of laundry I had run, and it took me a while to get to my point. I knew once I said what I was going to say that there was no going back and making a different decision.
“I hope you’re going to keep this civil,” I said. “I don’t want a divorce. I promise, but I want some more time separated from you.”
“You want a divorce that is not on paper?” Scott said.
I shook my head. “I want to come back to you. I really do.” I wanted to hug him right then, but I knew that would destroy everything I was saying. “But I need something from you first. I need you to find some sort of counseling that has to do with cheating on your spouse. I know there is something out there about it. Once you have done that, maybe in a month or two, we can talk again. I can’t be with you right now.”
“Of course,” Scott said. “I know it doesn’t change things, but I’m really truly sorry.” He paused, and we both took deep breaths. “I assume you want to live in the house.” He was switching over to business mode. I knew that was his way of trying to move past hurt.
“If you don’t mind,” I said. “Just for the kids’ sake. You’re free to come and go. . .” I trailed off, not really sure what I was offering.
“I’ll do it,” Scott said. “I’ll do anything you ask, because getting you back it worth it.”
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, and I nodded. I pulled Scott into a hug, and I held him tightly. I loved Scott, and that would never change.
But I had to make the decision that was best for our family.
BONUS STORY
PART ONE
She felt a mix of relief and despair as she watched the Boston skyline fade away. She felt a mix of relief and despair. She knew she would never come back to her beloved hometown. There was nothing left for her there. In fact, all she had left fit into a small carry-on bag. Her life had shattered, and most of the pieces had blown away in the wind.
She grabbed her phone and read Colt’s email again.
I am a simple man. I own the Lone Moon Ranch in Helena, Montana. I’ve lived here all my life. I am 26 now. I am looking for a wife, someone who can take over the household duties; cooking, cleaning and such. Also, to assist with various chores around the ranch. I need someone who is not deterred by early mornings and not afraid of hard work. In return, I will make sure you are well-taken care of. I am seeking a partner, not a companion. Please contact me if you have questions.
He didn’t include a photo and she never asked for one. It didn’t matter what he looked like. She appreciated the fact that he sounded very businesslike in his email. That’s what this was �
� a business deal. She had placed an ad on a mail order bride site - not for love, but for security. Colt fit the bill. He needed a wife and she needed an escape. Of course, he had no clue what she was escaping from. She hadn’t been completely honest with him about her past.
She tossed her phone back into her purse. She rubbed her thumb against her ring finger as she laid back against her seat and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to think about Nick. But he was always there, lurking just below the surface. She could picture his dark eyes and dangerous smile. When they met, he made her feel alive and invincible. Loving Nick was like grabbing hold of a lightning bolt. He had lit her up and then burned her to ashes.
They got married a month after their first date. Nick was wild and impulsive that way, and she couldn’t deny him anything. But Nick was also a drunk and a gambler. He got so wasted on their wedding night that he passed out in the hotel lobby. Three months in, he had blown through all her savings. He became violent and erratic when the money ran out. He isolated her from her family and her friends so she had no one to help her. And she couldn’t leave him. They were each other’s obsession even though he scared her. But then one night he crashed into another car and almost killed the driver. She could picture his face the day of sentencing. Six years. And the way he looked at her the last time she went to visit him, to tell him she had filed for divorce. She lied to him and told him it was all his fault. But she couldn’t lie to herself. She knew she was just as much to blame. Maybe he struck the match but they had both danced within the flames.
Their 2-year marriage had stripped her of everything. She lost her condo, her car, and even her job. Her parents had both passed way, and both her brother and sister had given up on her. She needed to start over. And there were worst ways to do that than a beautiful ranch in Montana. So, she bought a plane ticket and a new dress using the only credit card she had left and swore to do her very best to not look back.