The Times
The British builder’s mug of tea is as much a part of his tools of the trade as his shovel or electric drill. Tony Aldous, of London, told the Guardian of the days when he worked on a building site:
‘A galvanised bucket of dubious cleanliness was half filled from a hosepipe and a packet of tea, half a packet of sugar and a tin of condensed milk was added and then brought to the boil. ‘A matter of taste,’ said Mr Aldous, ‘but it certainly laid the dust’.
Guardian
Great Britain, once epitomised by the stiff upper lip, modesty and minding your own business, has been replaced by a land of burger-eating binge drinkers, pornography addicts and followers of so-called celebrities. The 2007 Lonely Planet guide says:
More Britons vote in TV talent shows than in elections.
Sherwood Forest now has more tourists than trees.
Rudeness and lack of generosity tarnish Britons.
They have a poor dress sense and are noisy, untidy and are miserly tippers.
Without doubt you can find great food in Britain… It’s just that not all Brits seem to like eating it.
The Times
Britons have voted Stonehenge the most disappointing tourist spectacle in the UK. Also on the list are:
Blackpool Tower
Land’s End
Diana’s Memorial Fountain
The London Eye
Buckingham Palace
White Cliffs of Dover
Big Ben
The problem might be that people come to the most well known sights with expectations already raised too high – and an unrealistic desire to see them minus the crowds.
Guardian
In August 2007 Southwold on the Sussex coast was named in a survey as the quintessential British holiday resort. The survey looked at factors that people thought made resorts uniquely British and Southwold topped the poll because of its traditional beach huts, its large choice of fish and chip shops, a working lighthouse, donkey rides, plenty of deckchairs, amusement arcades, scenic countryside – and rude postcards.
The availability of fish and chips was considered the most important factor.
Daily Telegraph
David Joss Buckley, of London, didn’t think much of August 2007, and wrote to the Guardian:
‘South London, August 21. First hot-water bottle of the year. Is this a record?’
Guardian
Ralph Hawkins, of Ware, Hertfordshire, wrote how he met tea made by the method described by Mr Aldous when on his first guard duty on national service. Kept hot on the stove all night it became the colour of dark mahogany ‘with a taste all its own’. The guard commander called it ‘desert tea – without the sand’.
Guardian
August 2007 was a wicked month. Wet, cold, windy. 80 coaches brought 5,000 French people to Margate, Kent, for ‘a taste of the real England’. They were greeted by ‘gunmetal skies, horizontal winds and a blattering drizzle to sample the traditional British seaside pursuits of huddling in bus shelters and picking sand from their sandwiches.’
The Guardian printed a picture of French visitors sitting on towels on the damp sand underneath a sign which said: ‘Welcome to Margate’s Main Sands. Deckchairs and Sunbeds for your Pleasure and Leisure’.
Roger Latchford, deputy leader of the local council, said: ‘I did a sun dance with our events team. Regrettably it doesn’t seem to have worked.’
Guardian
The Daily Telegraph gathered together some definitions of a British gentleman:
A man who still uses the butter knife even when dining alone.
A man who has never previously heard your joke.
A man who believes a woman when he knows she is telling lies.
A man who can play the bagpipes but doesn’t.
Daily Telegraph
Following stories that more and more Brits are leaving to live abroad, the Daily Telegraph published Thirty Reasons to Stay in Britain. Reason number one was that there is never a problem getting a Polish plumber, followed by:
You can’t get a decent chicken tikka masala anywhere else.
A day at Lord’s, the most civilised sporting venue in the world.
Cheese rolling in Gloucestershire. Bog snorkelling in Wales. Barrel burning in Lewes. No one does bonkers traditions like they do here.
Best place for barbecuing in the rain.
Daily Telegraph
The British do not like folk messing about with their beloved icons. Hence all the hoo-ha when marmalade-loving Paddington Bear was depicted enjoying Marmite sandwiches.
‘What next?’ wrote Keith Whitford, of Cornwall, ‘Desperate Dan tucking into spinach and ricotta pie?’
‘Whatever next?’ wrote Colin Bath, of Somerset. ‘Pooh and peanut butter?’
The Times
To see Paddington eating a Marmite sandwich somehow undermines the marrow of our being.
It is like seeing Winston Churchill lighting up a pipe.
Independent on Sunday
Elaine Davies, of Somerset, wrote: ‘The furore could have been avoided if the advertiser had depicted Paddington enjoying my favourite: Marmite and marmalade sandwiches.’
The Times
What a splendid lot of old-fashioned traditionalists the British are. A report which looked at the changing face of UK society showed people yearning for the return of:
Rag and bone men
Bus conductors
Bobbies on the beat
District nurses
Many would like to see the back of:
Congestion zones
Speed cameras
Outdoor smoking areas
Bus lanes
Outdoor urinals
Smelly hot dog vendors
In a report called Local Life by the Somerfield supermarket chain there were also some who favoured the return of the stocks, witches stakes and heads on spikes.
Daily Telegraph
When a newspaper invited readers to submit new designs for the backs of British coins, one reader suggested: ‘A couple of yobs dancing on a car bonnet or a trio of legless ladettes in the gutter.’
Daily Telegraph
The Daily Telegraph reported that Havant Borough Council in Hampshire was ‘facing rebellion’ after switching the brand of tea it serves. One member said: ‘I do not think it should be forced upon us. We are British after all.’
Daily Telegraph
In 2007 Prime Minister Gordon Brown had ‘a simple wheeze’ – a motto to capture what makes Britain great. Early efforts collected by The Times included:
Britain – a terribly nice place
Stubborn to the point of greatness
Less stuffy than we sound
Turned out nice again
Sorry, is this the queue?
Dipso fatso bingo asbo Tesco
At least we’re not French
The Times
Peter Long, of Southampton, thought the motto capturing the spirit of our modern nation is: ‘What’s in it for me?’
The Times
The winning entry in a survey to find a ‘national motto’:
No Motto Please, We Are British.
The Week magazine
Cerne Abbas (population 800), a Dorset community watched over by a 180ft chalk figure of a naked giant, has been identified as Britain’s most desirable village. Despite its small size it has two tea rooms, a Post Office, a primary school, a new village hall, sports fields, a doctor’s surgery, a 14th century church – and three pubs.
The Times
When Roger Cooper was released from an Iranian prison after serving more than five years he said: ‘Anyone who has attended an English public school and served in the British Army is quite well prepared for a spell in a Third World prison’. David Staples, London N8.
The Times
Madonna says she is delighted to be living in Britain – partly because Britons ‘…are not as rude and obnoxious as Americans’. She also thinks English swear words are ‘mor
e charming and more colourful.’
Daily Mail
The English section of the guests’ information notice in a third floor hotel room in Copenhagen read: ‘In the event of fire, open a window and announce your presence in a seemly manner.’
R. A. Morley, Southport.
The Times
The British, who like to believe that the Germans have no sense of humour, found it difficult to swallow the crack made by Tilman Hanckel, the new cultural attaché at the German Embassy in London. Hanckel told a BBC interviewer: ‘I came to London in July. In a way, it’s my first Third World posting’.
Daily Mail
The Daily Mail accompanied its report on this story with three anti-German jokes and three anti-English jokes – including these two.
Why did the sun never set on the British empire? Because God would never trust an Englishman in the dark.
What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Daily Mail
Rude, narrow minded, not very sexy and the food is rubbish. Meet the British as seen through a Reader’s Digest poll in 19 European countries. But at least they thought that we had the best sense of humour.
The Times
Arrogant, rain sodden, narrow-minded, old-fashioned, white-skinned pacifist toffs. Meet the British as seen through the eyes of American teenagers surveyed by the British council.
But most of the students polled could not name the four components of the United Kingdom and one said: ‘I don’t think they kill each other as much as we do.’
The Times
The Europeans polled by the Digest also thought that Britain had contributed more to the world than anyone else – ‘although this seems based on our invention of football, not our great feats of discovery, adventure and exploration’.
The Times
The shipping forecast, broadcast four times a day by the BBC, has become cult listening, much loved by thousands of listeners who have never boarded a ship. The forecast is an eccentric list of winds in sea areas around Britain and has become like a familiar poem that defines British cultural heritage. It has inspired poetry, literature, works of art and tea towels. So there is much anguish that the name of one of the sea areas is to be changed from Finisterre to Fitzroy. It brings no comfort that the name Fitzroy has been chosen in memory of the founding father of the Met Office, Admiral Robert Fitzroy, who allegedly committed suicide in 1865 after forecasting the weather wrong.
Guardian
Foreigners often mock the British for the way in which we go on about the weather. What they fail to realise is that our weather is just a damn sight more interesting than anybody else’s. Foreign weather is so utterly predictable that it is simply not worth talking about. Where else but in Britain can one wake up on July morning not knowing whether to put on a sweater and sou’wester or a T-shirt and shorts.
Daily Telegraph
The English are completely mad with their pets. It’s not unusual for police forces to be mobilised to save a cat or dog from drowning.
French writer Agnes Catherine Poirer in her book Les Nouveaux Anglais
Daily Mail
Next day the Daily Telegraph reported that fireman Doug Little saved a hamster with the kiss of life in a smoke-filled flat in Portsmouth.
Daily Telegraph
Agnes Poirer’s book also suggests that British society – including the upper class – is almost entirely reliant on alcohol and complains that in too many pubs the food comes straight from the microwave after days in the freezer. ‘Unremarkable wines are the norm.’
But, without doubt, the British are still the funniest, particularly about sex, which is complicated, clumsy and tortuous.
Daily Mail
The Guardian’s coverage of the Poirer book quotes her on the British being the kings of eccentricity: devotees of the queue, ardent monarchists, fanatical darts players, weather obsessives, and eaters of toast with baked beans in tomato sauce.’
The British Library’s acoustics are perfect. When one eminent reader broke wind there the cacophony ricocheted around the building with appalling ferocity, like a sniper’s bullet. Being terribly British, no-one said a thing.
Observer
‘It’s amazing – while 94 per cent of the British public insist they don’t use cannabis a third of us know someone who does’.
News of the World
Many Britons remain reluctant to give up their yards and inches to comply with EU instructions to go metric. Graham A. Feakins of London SE24 was delighted to report that ‘on a road sign near me there is a low bridge said to be 3.5 metres high, 70 yards ahead.’
Independent
‘We are still the second most important country on Earth. The trick of maintaining such influence, of course, is to go around pretending to be very bumbling and hopeless and self-deprecating, a skill at which we excel.’
Boris Johnson, who was elected as Mayor of London in May 2008.
Daily Telegraph
CHAPTER 5
MEDIA MADNESS
Astrological magazine to close publication ‘due to unforeseen circumstances’…
Duncan Campbell’s Diary in the Guardian picked up on a Sun story about a man who wanted to be a woman – and cut off his testicles.
BUILDER CHOPS NUTS AND BOLTS was the headline, and this reminded Campbell of a policeman who did the same and carried on being a copper. His headline was NO NOBBY BOBBY KEEPS HIS JOBBY.
Guardian
MAN WITH FALSE LEG HIT WITH TOILET LID
Watford Observer headline which was a strong contender for Headline of the Week in the Guardian Diary on August 30 2007.
The case of a man who mistakenly used a tube of super glue instead of haemorrhoid cream was raised in a Commons committee as an example of unacceptable press intrusion after a tabloid newspaper ran the story under the headline:
JOHN’S GONE POTTY AND GLUED UP HIS BOTTY
Daily Telegraph
The Press Association reports that a woman who was found headless in a laundry bag had died from neck injuries caused by a sharp instrument.
Guardian
Headline on a story about the 1957 Trans-Antarctic expedition:
VIVIAN FUCHS OFF YO THE ANTARTIC
Ken Battersby, Millom, Cumbria.
Daily Telegraph
The World Association of Newspapers ran full-page ads in May 2007 under the headline: PEOPLE SAY THE SILLIEST THINGS. It included:
Smoking kills. ‘If you are killed you’ve lost a very important part of your life.’ (Brooke Shields)
‘When your back’s against the wall it’s time to turn around and fight’ (John Major)
All papers
The Guardian Diary’s Headline of the Week competition produced this strong contender from the Stranraer and Wigtownshire Gazette:
MAN WHO KILLED BEST FRIEND WARNED TO BEHAVE
Guardian
It was followed by ‘a first class effort’ from the Star of Malaysia:
STUDENT MAY BE SUSPENDED FOR STRANGLING HIS TEACHER
Guardian
Rupert Murdoch became concerned about the size of the drinks served up by the Sun’s first editor, Larry Lamb. He complained: ‘I don’t mind them drinking my Scotch, but do they have to drink it out of goldfish bowls?’
Sun
Former Daily Express editor Derek Marks once tried to phone the editor of the paper’s William Hickey gossip column at four in the afternoon. When he was told that the editor was still at lunch he demanded to know when he went to lunch. He was told, perfectly truthfully: ‘Yesterday, sir’.
Sun
A policeman told an Old Bailey jury that when he saw a man holding up a Guardian very close to his face he thought it was ‘rather strange behaviour’. Judge Martin Stephens, QC, interjected: ‘Reading the Guardian, you mean?’
Guardian
‘The old pouffe blamed for the fire at Douglas Cottages, as reported last week, referred to an item
of furniture and not the owner’.
Dunoon Observer
Some recent headlines:
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
SCHOOLS DROP-OUTS CUT IN HALF
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
Timothy Haas, Reader’s Digest
Peter Ackroyd was 23 when he walked into the office of the Spectator magazine in 1973 to ask if he might do a review. The then editor, George Gale, asked if there was anything which might affect Ackroyd’s suitability. ‘A bit of a drinking problem,’ said Ackroyd. He was hired on the spot as literary editor.
Daily Telegraph
There are many jokes about how mean the BBC can be. A Times reader recalled how a learned professor, on being told that his talk had been accepted for a fee of £25, was said to have replied thanking the BBC with words to the effect: ‘I enclose a cheque for £25.’
David Townley, Banstead, Surrey. The Times
The true inspiration for the BBC’s Flowerpot Men has been a source of dispute for years. The main cause of controversy is the word ‘flobbadob’. One of the men involved in the dispute claims that the word was invented by him and his brother to describe the sound they made when breaking wind in the bath.
Independent on Sunday
The Astrological Magazine announces that it is to cease publication ‘due to unforeseen circumstances’.
The Times
A Brighton Argus reader sent the paper a photograph of an exquisite rainbow over the seafront. They printed it in black and white.
Guardian
K. B. Thomas, of Shepperton, Middlesex, writes of a Northern Nigerian tribal chief being apprehended for eating the local tax inspector. ‘How much duller life will be when one can no longer alight upon such a sentence in the Daily Telegraph’s inimitable Obituaries page.’
Barmy Britain Page 4