by Toby Neal
“Dwight stopped me. He told me that I’m the cure, that he had injected me with the latest vaccine. If I died, so would everyone else.” She looked up at Cash.
His eyes widened. “That’s what he meant, saying that you would be the mother of the new race?”
“I guess that was part of it.” Jolene looked down at the frilly nightgown. She played with the sleeve, rubbing the itchy lace between her fingers. “I’m so happy you’re alive. But, I don’t think I can be with you.” She looked up at him. His brows were drawn together, his eyes almost navy blue, hidden in the thicket of tousled wheat-gold curls. “I don’t deserve you, Cash. I deserve to be alone.” She took a shuddering breath. “I want to be alone.”
The only way to free him was if he thought she was doing it for herself. Cash had spent his life trying to save other people, and if he felt bad for her, then he’d just throw her over his shoulder and carry her out of the burning building of her regrets.
Before Cash could answer, Jolene turned and raced up the steps of the inn. Maud tried to speak to her as she burst through the front door, but Jolene sprinted up to her room.
She fell onto the bed, sobs racking her body.
Cash knew the truth now. If he came to her room, told her that he loved her anyway, if he forgave her and still wanted her, maybe with the passage of time she could forgive herself.
If not, she was lost. Alone. But with a vital mission. She had to get to the Haven, no matter what happened between her and Cash.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Cash
Cash stared after Jolene as she ran up the steps of the inn, her frilly nightgown held up to her knees. The door banged shut behind her.
He should go after her.
He should try to understand what she had just told him, talk it out more.
Instead he took a step backward. And another, and another.
Tiny nudged him with her nose. Matted and filthy, her tail low, the tiredness in Tiny’s soulful eyes smote Cash.
The hopped-up aftermath of the raid drained from his body as suddenly as the sight of Jolene safe in the truck had filled it with excitement. A multitude of tiny bruises cried out for attention now. Through the entire raid, Cash had felt invincible, as if surrounded by a bulletproof shield. And he had been, uninjured even after shooting half a dozen men. He had felt that invincibility before, dropped into the hot zone of a forest by helicopter, or running into a burning building.
Guns. He still hated them.
Irrelevant thoughts floated around in his mind, a last-ditch effort to protect himself from the pain of Jolene’s words.
I want to be alone.
He knew the power of pitting himself against an enemy and imagining no outcome but victory. Even so, he had no defense against the arrow Jolene had just shot straight through his heart.
He headed for Jeb’s house where he and Tiny could bathe.
Jeb, still pumped from the raid, returned as Cash finished his shower. “Everyone is looking for you, Cash. We’re celebrating. You’re the man of the hour!”
Cash forced a smile. “I just needed to get cleaned up and rest a bit before I joined the party.” The lie rolled off his tongue easily. He had no intention of joining any celebration. In fact, he planned to leave quickly and quietly, like he always did.
Easy come, easy go.
Jeb showered, changed and returned to the party.
Hours later, fed and rested, Cash left a note for Jeb. “I’m out hunting. You all were great and should be proud. Grimesville is the best little town in the world.”
Cash squelched the stab of guilt he felt as he finished the note and anchored it with an empty mug. He gathered his hunting gear and ghosted out the door into the dark.
Tiny slept on the front porch, her thick coat still damp from her bath. But she lifted her head and rose eagerly at the sight of Cash holding his bow and slinging the quiver of arrows onto his back.
Tiny fell into step beside him as he walked out of Grimesville in the deep navy blue of new morning. Passing into the woodland cathedral he loved, Cash’s body settled. This was where he belonged. He was just another link in the food chain.
Tiny put her nose down and snuffled, searching for a scent. The crisp brown leaf litter crunched under Cash’s feet, emitting sweet dry smells. Early birdsong wove in and out with the gentle sound of the wind in the almost-bare branches.
Tiny picked up a scent and moved after it slowly, stopping repeatedly to find it again on the leaves.
The scent wasn’t fresh, but that wasn’t the point of this trip anyway. He just needed to get away.
Cash followed Tiny, his body on autopilot, his mind turning over recent events.
The sights and sounds of the raid echoed in his mind. The images, memories and experiences ached like bruises on his psyche. The sight of Jolene in bed with Hank hurt like an open wound, raw and painful.
“I am the cure.” Her words came back to him, along with a mental image of her holding a gun to her own head.
Sunshine’s desperation for escape, her willingness to take her own life, made his heart so sore that he thumped his chest to relieve the pain.
She had married Hank in an attempt to preserve the vaccine she carried—what a terrible dilemma. No one should have to bear it.
Sunshine had bravely told him the whole truth, and his head raged with internal conflict.
She’d confirmed his worst fears.
Sunshine had walked down that aisle coerced not just by her brother, but by her own conscience as well. She cared enough for Hank to pledge herself to him in the future and protect him from Cash’s wrath.
He dropped to his knees in the shadow of a slender, pale birch tree, and leaned his aching head against its trunk. Birches had always reminded Cash of nymphs; he imagined they took tree form in his presence but continued on their magical way once he passed. Cash slid down into the sweet, rustling leaves at the tree’s base, and curled his body around the trunk, holding tight.
Eyes closed, Cash breathed in the scents of the forest as he released his anger and feelings of betrayal. Sunshine had not let him fight for her at the cabin when Dwight first surprised them. Instead she’d sacrificed herself to spare him, a vain effort. Digging his nails into the supple bark of the sapling, he released the pain of watching her walk down the aisle to wed another man. He exhaled the shocking sight of her in bed with Hank.
Finally, he prayed that the men he’d killed would find peace.
In the empty space afterward, with nothing but exhaustion and the hollowness of a life without Sunshine, Cash heard his brother Nando’s voice as clearly as if he stood over him.
Cash’s eyes were closed, but he saw Nando looking down at him. His brother, the heart of the family, stood with hands on hips. He wore his favorite Phillies T-shirt and apron stained with tomato sauce, his weekend uniform.
“She loves you, Cash. Sunshine didn’t know you could save her against those odds at the cabin. She gave herself up in exchange for your life. The woman almost killed herself when she thought you were dead. And she cares enough about total strangers to marry a nasty skinhead in order to protect the vaccine for others. So, bro, seriously, what the hell are you doing out here in the woods feeling sorry for yourself?”
Cash lifted his head, looking around blearily for his familiar, handsome, dark-haired brother. But, of course, Nando was gone. Tiny panted as she rested beside him, and a cardinal sang in the distance.
Cash sat up, knuckled his eyes, and thought about how Sunshine must be feeling.
She must be hurting so bad, worse than he was.
She’d be wondering if he planned to revert to his old ways. Would he always be that guy who ran away from responsibility, from leadership, from love?
But a life without Sunshine wasn’t worth living, and he understood, all too well, the impulse she’d had to reach for a gun and end it all.
Cash stood, dusted the leaves off of his clothes and picked up his bow and arrows. “Let’s
go, Tiny.”
Tiny threw her head up suddenly, her ruff rising. She gave a deep woof, and bolted.
“No, Tiny! Dammit!”
But the big bear dog had caught a scent and bounded through the woods following it. Cash ran after her.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jolene
A knock brought Jolene’s head up from between her arms. Maud stood in the open doorway, her head cocked, her eyes soft. Jolene swiped her face and forced a smile. “I’m okay.” Her voice was hoarse and wavered.
“If you were okay, I’d be very surprised. You’ve been through a lot.”
The sympathy in Maud’s voice and the understanding in her eyes brought fresh tears to Jolene’s aching eyes.
How much more could she cry?
Maud crossed the room and sat down next to Jolene, wrapping her arms around the younger woman. Jolene leaned into her, too tired and sad to resist the comfort offered. Jolene inhaled deeply, her diaphragm shuddering on the exhale.
“It’s okay to be upset. That was rough, back there.”
Jolene shook her head, wiping her face against Maud’s shoulder. “No. I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay.”
“You and Cash broke up?”
“I guess so.” Jolene struggled with the words. Breaking up? It felt more like breaking apart, cracking, crumbling, dying.
“Honey, you are in absolutely no frame of mind to be making any kind of decisions about your future. First, you need a bath and some clean clothes. Then sleep. In the morning, we can talk all this through.”
Jolene sat back and looked at Maud. The woman smiled as she cupped Jolene’s cheek. “It’s okay, honey. Sometimes life comes at you like this. But it’s rarely as bad as you think it is.”
Jolene hiccupped a small laugh. “I’m pretty sure that, this time, it is as bad as I think it is.”
Jolene slept hard and dreamlessly, wearing a pair of Maud’s husband’s pajamas. He’d passed from Scorching early, one of the town’s first victims. Maud mentioned it casually as she’d handed over the blue flannel pajamas.
Jolene woke late and made her way downstairs, following the scent of coffee and pancakes. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she had descended these same steps after spending her first night with Cash. That morning she’d felt free. This morning she felt like a prisoner again.
She’d regained her memory, escaped her brother, and found a community. But the cure that coursed through her veins carried its own weight.
Jolene knew that she should be grateful. The cure had prevented her suicide. With the right help, in time, her blood could save future generations.
Wasn’t that a gift?
She walked into the kitchen and Maud turned from the stove where she was making pancakes. “You look better.”
Jolene tried to smile but her face refused to comply. A cloak of depression had wrapped itself around her in the night. It had kept her sleeping, and even though she was awake, it cocooned her now.
Life without Cash felt meaningless, worthless, useless.
Grief at her brother’s death circled close, but Jolene’s heart had no room to spare for it. In time, perhaps, she’d feel pain at the loss. But really, she’d already grieved the loss of her brother. That boy died long ago, killed by hate and prejudice. The man Cash had struck down last night deserved to die. He was no kin to Sunshine.
Maud handed Jolene a cup of coffee and shooed her over to the table. She slumped into a chair. When Maud placed a stack of pancakes in front of her, she didn’t even pick up the fork.
“You have to eat.”
Jolene shook her head. “I’m not hungry.” She sipped her coffee.
Maud put her hands on her hips. “I thought a good night’s sleep would bring your head around. I heard what you said to that boy last night.”
“Then you know why I can’t be with him.” Jolene’s secret revealed tightened the robe of pain around her. But it didn’t change how Maud treated her, giving her coffee and pancakes just the same as before Jolene offered herself to a skinhead.
Maud barked a laugh. “Hell no, I don’t see why you two can’t be together.” She sat down across from Jolene and took her hands. The woman’s weathered skin reminded Jolene that she was still young, and cemented her responsibility for the health of the human race. How could a gift be this heavy a burden?
“You know what my Harold said to me when he asked me to marry him?
Jolene shook her head. She didn’t want to know. She didn’t want some sweet platitudes, some ‘love will conquer all’ story. Because love did not conquer all.
Hate had won.
Wasn’t Scorch Flu proof enough of that?
“He told me there would be good times and hard times. And he promised in the hard times he would love me more than ever.”
Jolene refused to make eye contact. She didn’t want to encourage Maud or hear anything more, but Maud continued. “Well, these are the hardest times we’ve ever had. I think most people left on the planet would agree.” Jolene focused on their clasped hands, feeling Maud’s heartbeat, knowing that she was responsible for this woman’s life. “And Harold is dead.”
Her statement dropped like a stone. Jolene looked up, holding Maud’s gaze. Her eyes were hard, no sign of a tear. “The love of your life is alive.”
“I know,” Jolene whispered. “But he doesn’t want me. I don’t deserve him.”
Maud dropped her hands and stood up, her movements quick and angry. “What a load of bullshit!”
Jolene hung her head, the shame of what she’d done washing over her again. The memory of Cash’s face when she told him she wanted to be alone still smote her.
“Stop being a martyr. You’ve got enough on your plate without adding to it.”
A martyr? Jolene looked up, anger sizzling in her gut, trying to burn away the thick depression. “I had to tell him the truth.”
“But you lied to him!” Maud yelled. “You told him you wanted to be alone. I’ve never heard such a bald-faced lie in my entire life. Sure, you needed to tell him about your agreement with Hank. But did you have to tell him right after he’d saved your life? You couldn’t thank the man first?” Maud began to pace around the room. “And then you tell him you want to be alone. You send him packing!” Maud faced Jolene, hands on hips, again. “You don’t get that luxury. You’re the cure. We’ve got to find scientists who can use your blood to help develop the vaccine so it can get out where it needs to go. You’re the cure for the Scorch Flu, mankind’s best hope for survival, and you want to be alone!” She threw up her hands and spun away, taking deep breaths, clearly trying to calm herself.
Jolene sat back in her chair, absorbing the truth of Maud’s words.
She had lied to Cash. Jolene had thought she was doing Cash a favor by giving him the option to choose freedom, when really she’d made the decision for him. It was crystal clear now. Last night Jolene hadn’t even wanted to be around herself and couldn’t imagine that anyone else would want to be, either.
But here she was in Maud’s kitchen, a stack of pancakes in front of her, and a cup of coffee steaming beside her plate.
“You’re right.” The steadiness of her voice surprised Jolene. “Thank you, Maud.” She stood up and Maud turned to her.
“So what are you gonna do about it?”
“I’m gonna talk to Cash. Right now.”
“Last I heard he was over at Jeb’s house.” Jolene turned to leave but Maud called her back. “You need some clothes.”
Wearing another pair of Maud’s hand-me-down jeans and a purple flannel shirt, Jolene jogged through town to Jeb’s house. Her heart raced as she climbed the steps to his porch and knocked on the door.
Hopefully Cash would understand and forgive her.
Of course he would.
The sweetest, most wonderful man in the world wouldn’t turn her away. He’d rescued her and inspired a whole fricking town to join him!
She knocked on the door again, and it eased open. She po
ked her head in and called out. A muffled response from the kitchen, “back here.”
Jeb sat at his kitchen table, sipping a cup of coffee and looking at a piece of paper. “Hey Jeb, Cash up yet?”
Jeb looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. He handed her the sheet of paper. She read the brief note. “Is he coming back?” Jolene’s voice was high and unnatural, terror squeezing her chest. What if she’d missed her chance? Not only to make amends with Cash, but also to get to the Haven and the researchers who resided there?
“I don’t know.” Jed shook his head. “You two have a fight or something?”
Jolene nodded. “Yes. I did something seriously stupid.”
Jeb nodded, his eyes watching her. “Guess you’ll figure out a way to make amends.”
Jolene stumbled back through the house and off the porch to the sidewalk. Jeb lived on a residential street, surrounded by other modest homes, half of which were boarded up. At the end of the block, the forest began.
Somewhere out there Cash and Tiny were hunting. Would they just keep going? Had her rash words left Cash with no reason to return? What if he never came back? Her heart squeezed.
But no matter what, she had to get to the Haven and the scientists there.
Jolene looked at the note in her hand again. She had to find him! But how? She stared at the woods. Her body started walking, taking the lead, as it always had with Cash. Jolene let herself follow that intuition, trusting that it would find him even as her mind screamed that she’d missed her chance.
Chapter Thirty
Dwight
Dwight rubbed his chest, the raised scar of the swastika a familiar bumpy ridge. The tenderness of the deep bruise over his heart where that asshole had shot him ached when he pressed into it, but Dwight’s bulletproof vest had saved his life.
His paranoia had paid off.
Dwight never went without the vest. On more than one occasion he’d considered giving it up, but this incident proved his instincts were correct. A brief smile pulled at Dwight’s lips. He could tell his men that God had saved him. They loved that crap.