Need to Love You

by Megan Smith

He waggles his eyebrows. “All of it.”

  Shaking my head I laugh. I’ve never had a problem with him eating but now that he’s growing so fast his stomach is like the bottomless pit.

  “Good morning,” Andrew greets us all as he walks into the kitchen freshly showered. He drops his briefcase by his seat before walking over to Elle and kissing her on the cheek. My lungs constrict. Jackson used to do that to me every morning while I stood at the front door with a cup of coffee and his lunch for the day in my hands. He’d kiss me, tell me he loves me, pat me on the ass and was out the door in the next second. It’s funny how so much has changed over the last few months.

  “Morning,” Andrew says to Alex and me as he takes a seat to the right of me.

  “Grandpa, I’m going to school today,” Alex says cheerfully.

  Andrew reaches over and ruffles Alex’s hair. “So I’ve heard. You have to make sure you eat all your breakfast so that you can pay attention in class.”

  Alex turns his head to look at me for confirmation. “You got to listen to Grandpa, he’ll teach you a thing or two.” I wink up at Andrew over top of Alex’s head.

  The rest of breakfast is pretty quiet with Alex humming beside me while he eats. When he’s done I take him into the bathroom to wash his hands, face and also to style his hair that he insist I do.

  “Alright, let’s go get your shoes on then we have to go so we aren’t late.”

  Alex grabs a hold of my hand as we walk out of the bathroom and into the living room to grab his shoes. As I’m putting them on I just happen to glance up at him and he smiles. “I’m going to miss you, Mommy.”

  I give him a sad, watery smile. “I’m going to miss you too, bud.”

  Don’t cry, Chloe. Don’t let him see how sad this really is making you to drop your little boy off for his first day of school.

  After I finish tying his shoe I pat his knees. “Alright, let’s get out of here. Go grab your book bag by the front door and I’ll be right behind you.”

  I run back up to bedroom to grab my purse, phone and keys. I want to text Jackson so bad to make sure that he’s up and already out the door but I won’t. I need him to prove that he can at least be the great dad to Alex that he’s always been. I have to put a little bit of trust in him when it comes to our son.

  Elle is talking to Alex when I approach and they both turn their heads towards me. “Let’s get out of here.”

  Elle kisses Alex on the forehead then he holds the door open for me. We walk to the car, I get him all buckled up in the backseat and then head off towards the elementary school.

  When we pull into the parking lot about fifteen minutes later I spot Jackson’s truck parked in the back row. I turn down the same row and park in the empty spot beside him. Jackson holds his hand up in greeting as I pull in but I just ignore him. Alex unbuckles himself from the seat and waits while I get out to open his door.

  I can feel Jackson behind me before I see him. Alex yells, “Dad!”

  “Hey, buddy,” Alex pushes past me to get to him. “I missed you.”

  Jackson bends down to pick Alex up as he throws his arms around his dad’s neck. “I missed you, too.”

  Jackson stands back up and glances over at me smiling. My body leans towards him before I even realize what I’m doing to kiss him on the lips. We both pull back with surprised looks on our faces, shocking the hell out of the both us. It’s such a natural feeling for me to kiss him though, just like breathing. He’s my other half. Sometimes I think you take the little things in life for granted until one day you sit back to realize that in the blink of an eye everything can change. I never would have thought that a simple kiss could make me just want to throw the whole argument out the window no matter how small or big it is — or even how painful his words cut me to my very soul. I know that I can’t do that this time. Not with knowing how Jackson really feels about our relationship.

  I bring my hand up to my mouth letting my fingers run over my lips. Jackson winks and then holds his hand out for me while still holding Alex. “Let’s get you to class.”

  I hesitate to grab his hand but do it anyway for Alex’s sake. The three of us walk into the school like we’re a happy family even though we are anything but that right now. Teachers, secretaries, and who I assume is the principal are all standing along the hall as we walk past guiding us where we need to go.

  “Hello there, handsome,” a teacher at the end of the line greets Alex. “What classroom are you on the lookout for?”

  Alex grabs a hold of Jackson’s neck harder burying his face. I smile and hold my hand out. “Hi, I’m Chloe, this is my husband Jackson, and this little guy is Alex Cahill. We’re looking for Ms. Sanders’ Kindergarten classroom.”

  Jackson grips my hand so hard I almost snatch it away, but before I can even turn my head to find out why he did that he lets go completely.

  The teacher shakes my hand. “Nice to meet you, I’m Mrs. Johnson. Ms. Sanders’ class is all the way down at the end of this hall on the right hand side.”

  “Thank you.” We step away so that the next family can find out where they are taking their child.

  As we continue down the hall, I shift my head to the side. “Is everything okay?”

  Jackson doesn’t say anything; he just gives his head a tight nod. We get to the end of the hall where Jackson squeezes Alex before attempting to put him down. “Come on, bud, you’ve got to go into your classroom to meet all your new friends.”

  “No,” he says defiantly.

  I frown to Jackson. I had a feeling this might happen once we got here. I rub Alex’s back trying to sooth him. “You’re going to make so many new friends today. Do you want mommy and daddy to walk you into the classroom?”

  “Yes,” Alex says. He’s still got a death grip around Jackson’s neck.

  I step into the class first and a beautiful woman greets me with an amazing smile. “Hello, I’m Ms. Sanders.”

  I return the smile knowing once Alex gets used to everything around him he’s going to love his teacher. “Hi, I’m Chloe, this is Jackson and this is Alex.”

  Ms. Sanders walks around to the back of Jackson so that she can see Alex’s face. “Hi,” she says in a soft and gentle voice.

  “Hi,” he says back lifting his head just a little so that he can see who he’s talking to.

  “I have some coloring books and crayons over here on the table. Would you like to come with me?” She reaches forward and rubs Alex’s arm.

  Alex turns his head to me. I smile and nod my head. He’s always making sure he’s got permission to do something. While I love that he does it, I also wish he was a little bit more independent. I want him to grow up with confidence, never doubting each step he takes in life.

  Alex lets go of Jackson and his dad gently puts him down. Jackson kneels down and holds his hand out for a high five. “That’s my boy. We’ll see you after class, okay?”

  “Alright.” A hint of the nervousness he has about agreeing to go with his teacher evident on his face. That little lip quiver, the one that says to me, ‘Mommy, I’m really trying to hold back my tears’ shining in the whites of his eyes.

  “Love you, bud.”

  Ms. Sanders holds her hand out for Alex. “Love you, too.” Together they walk over to a table with another little boy. She pulls a chair out for Alex to sit in beside him and then gives him a sheet of paper and some crayons.

  Jackson slides his arm around my back and rests it on my hip. I flinch causing Jackson to frown at me. It’s not that the feeling of his arm around me doesn’t offer comfort; it’s just the fight from the last few days and all the pain he caused me is still just simmering under the surface. I don’t hold grudges but the verbal wounds he inflicted on my heart are just too much to forget about.

  Ms. Sanders walks back over to us once Alex is set up. “He’ll be just fine. It’s always the first few days of jitters.”

  “Yeah, he’ll be just fine.” I glimpse up to Jackson who is just openly staring
at Ms. Sanders. Honestly, it’s making me feel about two feet tall right about now. I know she’s beautiful with her long blonde hair, stunning blue eyes, that dreamy smile, and nice boobs but I am still his wife the last time I checked. Shouldn’t he be looking at me like that?

  “Well, thanks for helping us with him. I’ll be back later on to pick him up.”

  Ms. Sanders flashes me another smile. “He’ll be in great hands.”

  I smile back before turning and walking out of the classroom while Jackson continues to stand there and stare at her. I get just out of the door way before I hear Ms. Sanders ask Jackson if everything is alright. I don’t wait for an answer because that’s an awkward situation and, to be honest, I want to get the hell away from Jackson quickly before he can ask if we can talk. I had put on a game face to get me through this morning and now that Alex is out of sight I’m getting the hell out of dodge too.

  I get about a quarter of the way to the car before I hear Jackson calling my name. “Chloe!”

  I stop but don’t turn around. I don’t want to cause a scene, especially not here at Alex’s school.

  “What?”

  I lift my head, cross my arms over my chest and look straight ahead.

  “Chloe, please talk to me.”

  “What do you want from me, Jackson? You made it pretty clear the other day that I was and am ruining your life.”

  Jackson’s pleas cause me to do a double check my emotions, “Chloe, please…”

  Before I can even respond Jackson places his hand on the small of my back ushering me over to his truck. I lean against his truck just near the wheel well; he opens the passenger side and reaches in. I take a step back. He’s insane if he thinks I’m going anywhere with him so he better not even try to put me in there.

  When he shuts the door he frowns holding a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee. “I picked you up a coffee on my way here.”

  I stare at it as my mouth waters. I so need that coffee right now after barely getting any sleep. Plus, I’ve got a lot I want to get done today.

  “It’s pumpkin,” Jackson gives me an enigmatic smile.

  My hand shoots out to grab it before he can take it back. Pumpkin coffee, pumpkin anything is my weakness and he knows it. I flip the lid open, moan as the aroma filters into my nose and then take a big sip not caring if it’s too hot. I’ll deal with the burnt tongue later.

  Jackson’s one eyebrow is raised. “Good?”

  “So good.”

  I bring the coffee back up to my mouth to take another sip.

  “Baby,” Jackson leans forward to push a stray piece of hair out of my face. “Please come home so we can talk about everything.”

  I shake my head without even giving it a thought. I’m not ready.

  “You can’t live at my parents’ forever.”

  I turn my head knowing he’s right.

  “At least come back to the house with Alex tonight. If you aren’t comfortable with me staying there I’ll leave. It’s not fair to you and Alex not to be in your own house.”

  My heart flutters. ‘Your own house’, it’s funny because the last time I checked Jackson was the one who paid the mortgage. Yeah, my name is on the mortgage, so on paper it’s mine too but that’s not the point. I don’t feel like it’s mine anymore. It’s not the home I once loved; it’s not the home that I fell in love with because of all the work it needed to be a home. The way I see it now, it’s just a house with four walls. Jackson made me feel like I don’t belong there.

  “Please…”

  Please don’t make me regret this decision, Jackson. I can’t just think of myself anymore. Everything involves Alex and he deserves the moon so I say, “Okay.”

  Jackson takes a step closer to me and leans down to kiss my forehead. “Thank you,” he whispers before stepping back.

  My eyes fill with tears from how sweet he’s being. Where has this Jackson been the last few months?

  He tips my chin up and uses that same hand to wipe the corner of my eye. “Regardless of what I said the other day,” he swallows hard, “I love you no matter what.”

  My breathing comes out as a shudder before the tears fall freely.

  “Fuck,” he says before taking the cup of coffee from my hand and placing it on the hood of his truck. He turns around to open his passenger side door before quickly slamming it shut again. His face is red, his eyes are wild. “Follow me home.” It’s an order not a question.

  I go to turn around to grab my coffee but Jackson places both his hands on my hips. I’m getting whiplash from the back and forth. One minute he’s so sweet and the next he’s so angry.

  “Damn it, I love you so fucking much it hurts, Chloe.”

  Taking a deep breath I close my eyes before remembering where we are. “Let’s go back to your house.”

  Jackson’s grip on my hips is painful. “Our house, do you hear me, our fucking house, Chloe. Say it.”

  I cover Jackson’s hands with my own.

  “Say it, damn it.”

  I whisper, “Our house.”

  Jackson leans in and kisses me on the neck. “I love you.”

  He’s said it three times now, not that I’m counting or anything, and I have yet to say it back. He needs to gain that back from me.

  He kisses me once more before removing his hands and walking backwards towards the front of his truck. “Don’t make me come and find you.”

  Goosebumps break out across my heated skin.

  “Chloe…”

  “I won’t,” I respond just above a whisper. I so would since he deserves it after all but I won’t this time because things are explosive between us right now. When things are explosive, it’s so, so good.

  I climb into the driver’s seat and strap my seatbelt on. The belt brushes over my left taut nipple and I have to bite back a groan. “Get it together, Chloe, it’s a damn seatbelt.” It’s been a few weeks, maybe even a month, since Jackson and I have had sex. I need this release and it’s the least that he can do for me right now. It doesn’t mean that I forgive him for what he said to me though.

  I pull up to the house, cut the engine and sit there for a second as Jackson leans against the back of his truck staring at me. If I’m going to run from what I know is about to happen I have to do it now.

  Biting my lip, I turn my head towards the front door before returning my gaze to meet Jackson’s eyes. His head is tilted to the side trying to read me. Before I can figure out if I’m going right or left he’s at my door opening it.

  “I told you, you aren’t running and I know that’s what you’re thinking right now.”

  I pull the keys from the ignition and toss them in my purse. “I wasn’t running.”

  “I’m sure you weren’t,” Jackson mumbles.

  Together we walk to the front door where Jackson opens it, holding it open for me. I slide past him going right into the kitchen. It’s the safest place to talk. As I walk back to the kitchen I notice how clean the house is, it wasn’t like this before I left. When I pass by the laundry room I notice the piles of clothes on the dryer. Damn, he even did the wash. Needing just to see how far he really went with all this cleaning I dip off into the bathroom. I close and lock the door behind me. I take in the room, the tub is sparkling white, there is no tooth paste stains in the sink from Alex and he’s even wiped down the toilet. Where the hell has my husband gone?

  A knock sounds at the door startling me. “I’ll be out in just a minute.”

  Glancing into the mirror at myself I see my cheeks are flushed, eyes are a vivid blue and my lips are a little red since I keep biting on them. It’s a habit I so need to break. “What are you doing, Chloe?” I ask myself aloud hoping I’ll answer myself back.

  I know no one is perfect. Jackson and I are proof of that since we did things a little backwards with having Alex first and then getting married. Can I really fault Jackson for the way things are between us? A marriage is a two-way street. I’m not perfect by any means. There are things I could and
should even do every day, but I don’t. There are things that Jackson could do as well. Does he take care of a lot of things for us as a family? Yeah, he does. But don’t I take care of a lot of things too? Does Jackson warrant the reason to think that he always needs to take care of me? Yeah, he does. I have no one else I can depend on besides him. Yeah, I have the Cahill family which welcomed me with open arms but they aren’t mine. The only ones I view that way are Jackson and Alex.

  Another knock comes. “Chloe, open up.”

  I close my eyes; take a deep breath before I open the door.

  “Is everything okay?”

  I nod.

  Jackson reaches for my hand to pull me to him. “Let’s go into the kitchen.”

  I’m so thankful he read my mind about the kitchen and not anywhere else in the house.

  “Have you eaten yet?”

  “Yeah, your mom had the works for us when Alex and I came downstairs this morning.”

  He nods his head. “I’m just going to make a shake since I’m not really that hungry anyway.”

  Jackson pulls his phone out of his pocket. He taps it a few times and low, sensual music starts to play. It’s nice, relaxing, calming. I lean up against the counter watching him pull the stuff out that he needs to make his shakes as emotionally I let go, washing all the feeling from my body all but the one that is humming, the need for my husband, the want for him making me want him in more ways than I can count in this moment.

  Jackson takes a strawberry and cuts the top of it off. He grips it between his fingers then turns towards me. He brings it up to my lips where I open my mouth and sink my teeth into the sweet fruit.

  “Hmm…” the low hum escaping my lips as I watch the reaction Jackson has from this dance of foreplay that we are performing.

  A low guttural groan comes from deep within Jackson. He takes another step closer standing in between my legs. His lips hover just over mine.

  My emotions are screaming at me from all different directions. I want to know what the hell that was back at the school. I want to know if he truly means what he said to me. I want to know if he wants us to be over or if he wants to fight for us.