Need to Love You

by Megan Smith

  I shake my head. “No, and anyway, if she’s that scared of this ex-boyfriend of hers then hooking up with someone would be the last thing she’d want to do.”

  Chloe doesn’t say anything else. The only sound in the whole house that can be heard is the filter from the fish tank. She’s absorbing everything I told her. I just sit here and give her as much time as she needs.

  “You know that,” Chloe clears her throat, “this doesn’t mean that we’re a hundred percent okay again, right?”

  “I know.” I didn’t think it would be but I am hoping that we can move past it regardless of how ever long that takes. I just want to know that we can be fixed.

  “You’ve said some pretty screwed up things to me. Yes, I’ve accepted your apology but I haven’t forgotten that you still said them.” Her eyes turn glassy with unshed tears. “I’m so hurt by all this, Jackson.”

  I watch a tear slip from the corner of her eye. I reach up to wipe it away with my thumb. Chloe turns to look at me and it breaks my heart. I’ve hurt her bad.

  I pull her into my arms, she comes willingly, and I tell her I’m sorry over and over again while she cries. I even tell her I love her and Alex more than anything and I’ll do whatever she wants help us get through this.

  When she’s done crying she wipes her eyes with the back of her hands. Her eyes are red and glossy, the tip of her nose is red and her cheeks are tear stained.

  “We need help, Jackson.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Counseling, marriage counseling.”

  That takes me back a bit. “I know I said I’d do whatever you want but how is a shrink going to help us?”

  “They help you work problems out when we can’t do it ourselves. We can’t fix what happened between us. When you told me how you felt, how you always needed to take care of me and love me and all that, you didn’t just say that out of anger. You’ve felt that way for a long time.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “It is.” She deadpans. “I’m afraid of ever having to feel like I have to rely solely on you ever again. I went out and got this great job with a law office making good money considering I don’t have any experience. I did that for me, for us as a family. As for you always feeling like you’ve had to take care of me, you don’t need to feel like that anymore either. I’m a big girl and can take care of myself.”

  “It’s not that.” My voice rises, “I just felt like I couldn’t give you enough, not that I don’t want you relying on me.”

  Chloe bites down on her lip, her eyes watery again.

  “I want to give you the world, Chloe. I want to give you everything you ever want. I was pissed at myself because I couldn’t do that with the money I make.”

  “And now you don’t have to do that anymore.”

  I’m losing my temper now because she doesn’t understand what I mean.

  “You can’t give me everything I want.” Chloe looks down and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she’s looking at her childless stomach. “Sometimes things just weren’t meant to be.”

  I grip the leg of her chair to turn her in my direction. “I know how badly you want another baby, I do too, but sometimes it’s just not in our cards.” Emotions start to clog my throat. “That’s the other thing I was talking about. I know you wanted a baby, we tried our hardest, but that is something I can’t give you either. I hate that I can’t give that to you.”

  Chloe sniffles. “I know you tried but that still doesn’t fix all the other problems.” I try to talk but she beats me to it. “If you want us to work this and everything else out we need help.”

  “You’re giving me an ultimatum?”

  She nods.

  I don’t like this one bit. I don’t want to talk to some stranger about our problems.

  Chloe places a hand over mine. She’s pleading with her eyes.

  I take a deep breath and let it out. “Fine, whatever it takes.”

  It’s worth it.

  Chloe

  After our talk we went back to his mom’s house. Jackson wanted me and Alex to come home but I told him I needed to wait just a little bit longer. I needed to ease back into this and not just jump feet first. I learned that lesson.

  Andrew, Elle, Jackson and I sat around talking while Alex was watching television in the living room. I wasn’t going to tell Andrew and Elle anything, but Jackson told them what happened. I saw the disappointment in their eyes and I also saw the understanding. They never told Jackson that he was wrong, or that they were disappointed, instead they told him that they were proud that we were going to get some help. It’s not every day that someone admits they need it. Jackson gave me all the credit for that.

  Together we were both let in on a little secret of Andrew and Elle’s. They, too, saw a counselor years back. Elle was having a hard time with Andrew being gone for work all the time and dealing with four kids all alone. Andrew said it was the best thing that they ever did. It wasn’t the easiest but it was worth it. After celebrating years and years of marriage I’ll believe them. Elle gave me the number to Dr. Russell and said we’d love her.

  The following week I was able to schedule a marriage counselor session.

  After work on Wednesday I stop by the daycare to pick up Alex. I had to run him home to Elle so that I could meet Jackson at Dr. Russell’s office by six.

  “How was your day, bud?”

  Alex is kicking his feet in the back seat to the music. “Good!”

  “Grandma is going to watch you for a little bit so daddy and I can go to the doctor, okay?”

  He nods his head. I’m not sure if he was acknowledging me or nodding to the music.

  When I pull up in front of the house, Elle is out front waiting for us. I climb out to unbuckle Alex’s seatbelt. I help him out of the car, kiss his cheek and say, “Be good, okay?”

  Elle waves back at me.

  I hop in the car and drive the twenty minutes to Dr. Russell’s office. I hope Jackson was able to get out of work on time today. I haven’t been able to talk to him all day because my cell phone wouldn’t charge. I hate not having a functioning phone. I feel like I’m going to miss out on something. I don’t know how we ever lived without them.

  Finally arriving I spot Jackson’s truck in the parking lot. That puts me at ease. I was secretly scared he wasn’t going to show up. I pull into the spot next to him, turn the car off, grab my purse and climb out of the car.

  Jackson is waiting for me when I exit and leans in and kisses my cheek. This is the first time he’s kissed me since our talk and it shocks me a little.

  “How was work?”

  Smiling brightly, I answer, “It was really busy today.”

  “Same with me too, the work orders were flowing in all day.”

  Jackson opens the door for to walk into the office. I give the receptionist our name and she asks us to have a seat. I’m a little nervous but Jackson looks like he’s about ready to bolt. His knees are bouncing and he can’t sit still.

  “You okay?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  I nod and flip the page to the magazine I’m looking at. A few minutes later a door opens. A couple steps out and thanks an older lady who is standing behind them.

  “I’ll see you two next week.”

  “Thanks, Dr. Russell.”

  Dr. Russell smiles over at me. “Chloe and Jackson, are you ready?”

  I place the magazine back on the table and stand. Jackson and I follow behind her into another room. There is a dark blue couch placed in the middle of the room with a matching high back chair off to the side. They both face a big bay window that overlooks the park below.

  “How are you guys doing today?”

  Jackson runs his hands down his pant legs. “I’m doing well.”

  I reach over to take one of Jackson’s hands in mine to help calm his nerves. “I’m doing well too.”

  “So can you tell me why you are here today?”

  For the next hour Jackso
n and I talk and answer questions as they are asked. I picked up on Dr. Russell only asking questions and not giving advice pretty quickly. By the end of the session I realize how brilliant she is in that way. I caught on that she doesn’t like telling people what is and what’s not going to work. She just asks a question and allows us to work through them. We didn’t get into anything really important just some basic things about one another.

  When our hour is up, Dr. Russell takes her wire rimmed glasses off and sets them on her notebook. “I think today went very well but I think I’d like to set up a few individual sessions as well.”

  Jackson looks to me in a panic.

  Dr. Russell chuckles. “A little worried what I might figure out about you, Jackson?”

  He laughs nervously. “No, not at all.”

  Dr. Russell nods. “Sometimes in individual session I’m able to help you more. I can pull more out of you when you aren’t worried about hurting your spouse’s feeling. I can also find any underlying issues too. It’s perfectly normal and I think that both you and Chloe will benefit from it.”

  “Okay,” Jackson agrees.

  “Okay, then let’s get you back in here next week and also schedule some one on one time too.”

  Jackson stands and offers me his hand. Dr. Russell is watching our every move like a hawk. After setting up another appointment we head out to our cars. We linger for a bit while I tell Jackson about needing some help with Alex when his school is closed two days this month along with his daycare for Thanksgiving break. He agreed to take him one day while I take the other.

  “What are you doing Friday night?”

  “Nothing except working during the day.”

  Jackson tucks his hands in his front pockets. “Would you want to go see a movie with me?”

  I bump my shoulder into his. “I’d love too.”

  “Pick you up around eight?”

  “Sounds good just let me check with your mom and dad to see if they can watch Alex for us.” I feel bad always asking for help with Alex but Elle assures me they don’t mind at all.

  “Alright, I guess I’ll let you get home to Alex. Tell him I said I love him and I’ll see him tomorrow night.” Jackson has been taking Alex every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday for a little while.

  “Will do.”

  I lean forward to kiss Jackson’s cheek before getting into my car.

  He gives me a little smirk that makes me want to melt. “I’ll see you later.”

  Later that night, when I’m lying in bed I reflect back on the day and I fall asleep with a smile on my face. Maybe things will turn around for us after all.

  Friday afternoon while I’m sitting at lunch with Valerie, I get a text message from Jackson asking if he can pick me up at seven instead of eight because he changed our plans a little. Then I get another text right after that telling me that he already talked to his mom and she was still fine with watching Alex an hour earlier. I told him it was fine with me and that I’d see him later.

  “What’s got you smiling?” Valerie asks before taking a bite of her pizza.

  I toss my phone back in purse. “Jackson’s taking me to the see a movie tonight.”

  “That’s sweet.”

  I feel kind of bad that I never opened up and told the girls about my issues with Jackson. While they’re turning out to be great friends it’s just something personal that I want to keep to myself. No sense airing laundry, even when it’s just a bit rumpled and not full-blown dirty.

  “Renee’s baby shower is this weekend, are you going?” All the girls from the office were invited to her shower on Sunday. I’m excited to see her again. I know it’s only been a week but I really miss her around work.

  “Yup, I’ve got to run out on Saturday and pick up something.”

  “Yeah, I’m going tonight after work.”

  We finish up our lunch and then head back to the office.

  Around ten of seven I hear the rumble of Jackson’s truck coming down the street. Elle and Andrew took Alex out to dinner so I’ve been sitting downstairs waiting for Jackson to arrive. I slip my jacket on, grab my purse and then walk outside to meet Jackson.

  After shutting the door I glance up to see Jackson walking towards me with a dozen roses.

  He takes the few steps up to the porch. “These are for you.”

  “Aww, thank you,” I take the flowers from him then lean in and kiss him on his cheek. “Let me run back in and put these in water.”

  I unlock the door, set my purse on the little table by the front door and walk back towards the kitchen. I’m looking through the cabinets because I don’t know where Elle stores her vases. Jackson enters the room, goes to the pantry, opens the door, reaches in and pulls out a vase. “Here.”

  I shake my head. “Who would have thought to check in there?” I take the vase from Jackson, fill it with water and place the flowers in it.

  “So, what theater are we going to?”

  Jackson smirks. “It’s a surprise but we need to get out of here if we don’t want to be late.”

  I quickly arrange the flowers then we’re walking back out the door minutes later. Jackson opens the passenger door of his truck for me. It’s something he rarely does for me. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He shuts the door and jogs around the front of the truck to hop in the driver’s side.

  We pull out of the driveway and head down towards the highway. Jackson leans forward and turns the radio on. He flips through the stations and then turns it off when he can’t find anything to listen to. It’s a little awkward between us right now but I hope it’ll go away soon. I feel like this is the first time we’re going out on a date or something. Jackson doesn’t feel like my husband, more like a boyfriend.

  “How was work today?” He asks breaking the silence.

  “It was good. I’m learning something new that Valerie asked me to help her with.”

  He nods. “That’s good. Is Valerie your boss or something?”

  I forget that Jackson doesn’t know this part of my life. He’s heard me talk about it and has asked about it a few times but never for details until now.

  “Valerie is one of the paralegals for two of the attorneys I work for. From time to time she needs help with things so I’m there to help.”

  “You like it there?”

  “Yeah, I really do.”

  “That’s good.”

  “It is.”

  We’re quiet for a little while longer but Jackson tells me we’re almost there. I think I have an idea where he is taking me but I’m not one hundred percent sure until he pulls up to it.

  He glances out of the corner of his eye. “You remember this place?”

  I smile big, I can’t help it. “Yeah.”

  “I thought it would be fun.”

  “Yeah,” I bite down on my lip to hold my smile back.

  Jackson pulls up to the teller of the drive-in theatre and pays the entry fee. We drive up a little hill and past some trees before the big screen comes into view. It was an old rundown little place when Jackson and I came here years ago. Now it looks like they put some money into it and it seems to be doing well with the amount of cars that are parked.

  We pull around to one of the back rows where trucks, SUVs and vans have to park and find a spot at the end of the first row.

  Jackson parks the car and then slides his seat back. “Did you eat dinner?”

  I shake my head. “No, just grabbed a little something when I got home because I figured we eat after the movie.”

  He grabs his phone the motions towards the big screen. “We can order dinner from our phones and then I’ll go grab it once it’s ready.” On the screen it lists the instructions on what to do to order food and where to pick it up. “Here,” he hands me his phone.

  I glance at the choices and pick one before returning his phone back to him. He taps a few times on the phone before putting it back in his pocket.

  The awkward silence is back. I’m lookin
g down at my hands and rolling my thumbs nervously around each other until Jackson puts his hands on mine stopping me. I shift my head so that I can see him.

  “Come over here.”

  Jackson pushes the middle seat up so that now the seats are like a bench. I unhook my seatbelt and scoot a little closer. Jackson places his arm around the back of my seat.

  “It feels a little weird between us,” I confess.

  He chuckles, “I thought the same thing too.”

  “I don’t know why it does but it kind of feels like our first real date way back in high school.”

  His arm comes down and his hand rests on my shoulder. “It does and that’s what I wanted.”

  I turn my head so that I can see his eyes. “It is?”

  “Yeah,” he nods. “It’s time I start reminding you why we fell in love in the first place.”

  My heart starts pounding and I’m left completely speechless. All I can do is sit here and look into those eyes that I’ll never get sick of falling into. Turning sideways a little I bring my hand up and cup the side of his face. “I…” I can’t find the words.

  “Shh,” Jackson takes my hands and entwines our fingers. “I’ve had lots of time to think since you’ve been gone Chloe. I’ve pictured myself up and leaving and starting somewhere fresh, but I couldn’t picture it without you and Alex with me. I thought the grass was going to be greener on the other side.” He shakes his head. “I was sadly mistaken. Going out and drinking my problems away isn’t going to solve my problems either. I want you and Alex and nothing is going to stop me from reminding you that you want to be with me too.”

  I’m barely holding back the tears at this point.

  “Do you remember that first time I asked you to come to the movies with me?”

  A tear slides down my cheek and I nod.

  “You were supposed to be studying at the library but then I showed up and talked you into going to the movies with me. We only had about three hours before the library would close and your dad would pick you up. We barely made it back by the skin of our teeth.”

  “I was walking back into the library when my dad pulled up.”