She had known something was wrong when she looked into his eyes. There was nothing there, nothing, just two empty black holes. She knew it was useless to appeal to him. There was no one inside to hear her! He was like a shell, with all the inner being drained away by the poison which had destroyed her hope for the future; he was the charred remains left behind by the firestorm that had consumed her happiness. But she would find out what had gone wrong. Somewhere there was a key, and it had to do with Aberdeen and the Duke’s camp. She didn’t know how she would do it, she didn’t care who or what stood in her path, but she must get to the English camp and talk to Cumberland. She didn’t care about the war or whose side anybody was on. All she only cared about was Gavin, and she wasn’t about to stand aside while someone attempted to destroy his love for her.
When Gavin returned to his senses two days later, he was sitting astride his horse on the ridge above the river where they had thrown Ian’s rifles. For a moment he didn’t know where he was or how he had come to be there, but gradually the numbness left his brain, the thick clouds began to evaporate from his memory, and the wall of pain descended upon him with annihilating force. A part of him wanted to return to that state of nonexistence, to that land of the living dead, but Nature would no longer shield him with her protective cocoon. From now on he would have to bear the full weight of the pain.
It was well past mid-afternoon, but he did not turn his horse toward home. There was no reason; there was nothing but emptiness at Estameer now. No, there was something worse. There was the memory of what he had almost captured, the memory of a dream nearly fulfilled, of paradise tasted but snatched too soon from his grasp. There was also bitterness and disappointment, and he could see no chance that there would ever be anything else.
He struggled to clear his mind of the fog that obliterated the better part of two days. He had to remember what had happened. He knew Sara was gone, the feeling of numbness in his heart told him that, but he had to remember why. Somehow he knew he was the cause, but he couldn’t recall what he had done. Then he remembered the Earl.
Why had he decided to go to Aberdeen? If Cumberland was so worried about why Gavin had armed the men of Estameer, he could have come to see for himself. But it was too late to think of that now. He had gone, and his father had sown the seeds of doubt and disillusionment, seeds he knew would fall on fertile ground. Damn him! Would he never be free from the curse of being that man’s son? Only when you cease to believe everything he says, a voice whispered to him. You have within yourself the power to break the shackles that bind you to him. Sara gave you the key, but you are the only one who can use it.
Sara! He hadn’t meant to utter that name aloud, and he was shocked at the sound of his own voice. It was like a wild and untamed cry, like the wail of a wounded animal. What had he done? What had he said to her? He couldn’t remember. It was as though a heavy veil was drawn across his mind shutting out everything that happened that afternoon.
The kiss. He remembered a kiss, but she wasn’t kissing him; she was kissing Ian. Gavin shook his head, but the image wouldn’t go away. But Sara wouldn’t kiss another man, no matter how much she wanted to, not while she was married to him. But she had kissed Ian! He had seen it, and his father had warned him … he forced his mind to abandon the rest of the sentence. He would cast his father’s accusations from his mind. He would never think of them again.
Why had she kissed Ian? She hadn’t told him. You never asked her, never gave her a chance to explain, the accusing voice whispered as he remembered more and more of that afternoon. She was guilty, Guilty, GUILTY! Then why did she welcome you so joyfully? It was deceit. Then why did she look so shattered, when you told her to leave and promised to see that she got her money? If that was all she wanted why did she look as though she wished she could die? The closer Gavin came to Estameer and the more he remembered of that nightmare, the more his doubts grew.
Once again his father had played him like a harp. He had pulled the right strings, and Gavin’s fear and his habit of cutting people off from himself had done the rest. Only this time, something inside Gavin would not let him believe Sara was the deceitful she-devil his father had painted. There was some truth to the accusations she had wanted control of her money, she must have made that pact with the Earl, Ian was at Estameer, and she was kissing him. But as damning as those facts seemed to be, Gavin could not put aside the feeling that he had missed the true meaning of all those things. He kept remembering Sara’s spontaneous smile whenever she saw him, her unquestioning welcome of his embraces, her continuing effort to learn to please him, the fact that everyone she met liked her immediately, and he was certain that there was an explanation for all his questions, that if he would only listen to her, she would explain away all his doubts.
Then, just as suddenly, he knew he didn’t care whether or not she could explain what she had done. He loved her, and that was all that mattered. It was the single most momentous moment of Gavin’s life, even more so than when he finally unmasked his father’s true character. That had almost destroyed him; now it was possible that he might someday be whole again.
For years he had lived in a virtual paranoiac fear of falling in love. He had expected something terrible to happen to him—he wasn’t sure exactly what—but the rush of euphoria, of pure happiness, caught him completely by surprise. Then so many things happened at once, he started to feel so many things for the first time, it was like being an entirely different person. It was as though he had been seeing life in reverse; where there had been shadow, now there was gleaming light. Gavin could see that he had been backing away from everything he had ever wanted, and that only Sara’s love had been able to change the direction of his life. He could only marvel at the tricks the mind could play on a person who let hate and fear rule his life.
Obviously he had loved Sara for a long time. Why couldn’t he have seen it? Had he simply refused to see it? And she loved him. He had no doubt of that any longer. If she had been tempted by Ian, if, then it was partially his fault for taking so long to recognize and return her unselfish outpouring of love. It was possible she had grown tired of waiting, but after the way she greeted him, Gavin’s heart wouldn’t accept that. However, his brutal treatment of her when he found her with Ian may have achieved what his blindness could never achieve. It may have killed her love.
He must find her; he must tell her that he loved her more than life itself. He wanted to shout it to the whole world, to let them know what a fool he had been, but he contented himself with turning his horse for home.
Gavin was astounded at the way his heart leapt for joy, the moment he decided he had to find Sara. He cautioned himself to reserve his feelings. While he didn’t believe Sara’s actions were as black as they had been painted, he might find that neither was she wholly without blame. He didn’t know if he could live with only part of her heart, but he knew he could not give her up. Not ever.
Mary and Tom were both in the great hall when he returned. “Where is my wife?” he asked immediately, but their silence answered his question. They looked bereaved, like someone had died. “Where is she?”
“She went with Mr. Fraser and his cousin,” Mary answered. There was accusation in her tone, but there was also fear and bewilderment. “They left before dinner two days ago.”
Gavin turned to go, but Tom called after him, “There’s a note.”
“Why didn’t you say so, man?” Gavin called, his habitual decisiveness returning at last. “Where is it?” Tom took a twisted piece of paper from a vest pocket, but Gavin’s eagerness faded when he saw it was not Sara’s handwriting.
Your Lordship,
I know I shouldn’t be writing to you this way, especially not after what you did to my mistress, but I had to have my say. I never did think you were good enough for Miss Sara, but she could never see anything but good in you. No matter how wonderful everyone else was, including Mr. Fraser and that nice young Prince, they couldn’t measure up to you in her eyes.<
br />
And look how you repaid her faith. She took care of Mr. Fraser out of the kindness of her heart, but you could only see bad in it. You ought to know she could never turn anyone away who was hurt. She never turned you away, did she? She was always insisting you was hurting inside when nobody else could see anything but meanness in the way you treated her. After all she did for you, couldn’t you trust her even a little bit?
She’s going away now, and if I have anything to do with it, she’ll never come back. She still wishes you the best, but I wish old Peg’s hound dog had got you.
Betty
Gavin didn’t know how he could feel worse, but he did. Betty’s letter seemed to point up all the things he had realized, only they seemed much more devastating when coming from someone else. He balled up the letter and shrugged off the extra burden of guilt as he tossed it into the fire. He knew more fully than Betty how badly he had mistreated Sara, but if he bad learned one lesson during these months, it was that living with the past could very easily destroy the future.
“I’m going to bring Lady Carlisle home,” he announced to Mary. “See that her rooms are gotten ready.”
“She left orders that her things should be packed up and sent after her,” Mary told him uneasily.
“Put everything back exactly as it was.” He had almost reached the door before Mary’s voice called him back.
“Is she really coming back?” Mary asked.
“I’ll never set foot on Estameer again, unless she’s at my side,” Gavin assured her, and Mary broke into a smile of relief. She knew Sara was coming back now. The young master would sooner die than be banished from Estameer.
It was Colleen he saw when he reached the Fraser’s home, and her greeting was anything but friendly.
“I suppose ye have come tae ask after yer wife?”
“Where is she?” Gavin demanded impatiently. The strains of the last few days were beginning to tell on him, and he had no time for Colleen.
“She’s no’ here. She’s gone,” Colleen said, eying him in a way Gavin found uncomfortable. “But I am.” She drew closer, until she could rub her generous bosom against his chest, but her eyes held a dangerous challenge, one Gavin couldn’t fathom.
“I want to see Sara,” Gavin said, taking Colleen by the arms and putting her from him. “Where is she?”
“I said she’s no’ here.” Colleen drew near and started to rub herself against Gavin once more. “There’s nothing tae keep us from acting like we used tae.” Again her body issued the invitation, but Gavin would have sworn her eyes defied him to accept. Well, he didn’t have time to figure out what was wrong with Colleen. Let Ian or her uncle worry about it. He had to find Sara.
“I don’t want anyone but my wife,” Gavin said, once more taking Colleen by the arms and placing her at a distance. “Now tell me where she is, or I’ll ask someone else.”
“And what would ye be wanting with her this time, no’ tae yell at her some more, I should hope? For I’m telling ye, Gavin Carlisle, I’ll no’ have ye treating that woman shabby again.”
Gavin wondered if he was losing his grip on reality. Just a week before, Colleen had helped kidnap Sara. What was she trying to do now? “I want to talk to her,” he said.
“Like ye did before?”
“No, not like before,” Gavin replied angrily. What right did Colleen have to interrogate him? “I just want to ask her to explain why she—”
“Explain!” cried Colleen. “Why don’t ye explain tae her why ye came storming into that room like a madman, ordering her out o’ the house, tried tae kill poor Ian, and him with sword wounds just knitting, and then threw her clothes onto the floor. Why don’t ye explain that?”
“I know I leaped to some stupid conclusions,” he began, feeling himself getting angry at Colleen. He didn’t have to explain anything to her. “I want to try to understand now.”
“Ye have never understood anything about women, any kind o’ women, Gavin Carlisle, and I doubt ye ever shall. All ye can see is the hair, the face, and what she will be like in bed.”
“Dammit, Colleen, I haven’t got time to stand here—”
“Ye had better take the time, or ye will never learn the whereabouts o’ yer wife from me.” Gavin was startled by that threat. “Do ye have any idea how hard she worked tae make herself into what ye wanted her tae be? Of course ye don’t. Ye were too taken up with yer own worries. Tis a fool ye are, Gavin Carlisle. Ye don’t deserve her. That’s what I told her. I do no’ doubt she will have ye back, poor lassie, but no’ unless ye go crawling on yer belly, begging her forgiveness.”
“I don’t intend to—”
“I’ve no doubt ye don’t, and I hope she shows ye the door,” Colleen said forcefully. “And all the while she was doing her best tae keep ye from knowing she had the sickness, just because she didn’t want ye tae be bothered.”
“The sickness?” Gavin repeated, all at sea.
“The morning sickness, ye daft man. Lady Carlisle is carrying yer baby.”
Gavin could have survived a blow from Colleen’s fist better than he withstood the news that Sara was pregnant. He thought his legs were going to collapse under him at any moment, but he managed to pull himself together as Donald Fraser entered the room.
“Has Colleen told ye were tae find yer wife?” he asked.
“I was getting around tae it,” she replied peevishly.
“I willna have this family causing any more trouble for the Carlisles,” Donald roared at his niece, his anger formidable for such an old man. “Ye and yer cousin have done enough damage already. Tell him and be done with it.”
“Ian has taken her tae Inverness. She plans tae seek asylum with the Prince.”
Sara sat waiting for Prince Charles Edward Louis John Casimir Silvester Maria Stuart. She had been in Inverness since yesterday, securely lodged and carefully attended to, but her thoughts were many miles away at Estameer. She might as well have been in a mountain cave, for all she knew of her surroundings. Her whole mind was on Gavin, and what she could do to heal this breech. Many times during the last two days, she had relived those few terrifying minutes that had destroyed her peace and driven her from her home. All she had now was hope, and she held on to that with frantic desperation.
Gavin didn’t understand, she kept telling herself. Something terrible must have happened, because she had never seen him like that, not even when his mother died. Once he understood, once she could talk to him, things would be different.
She would not allow herself to think of the consequences if he didn’t. She had always loved Gavin, but she had realized in the last few weeks that what she had felt for him as she was growing into a young woman was merely a shadow of the love she held for him now. As she had come to know the extent of his love for Scotland, Estameer, and its people, and to understand his loyalty to his friends, even when they disagreed with him about the Prince, she began to see him as much more than a devastatingly handsome man whom fate had made her husband. Along with love and physical attraction came respect for his principles, and admiration for the way he held to them, even in the face of enormous pressures. This new prospective of her husband was given further impetus by the regard accorded him by both sides in the conflict. And if his work with the coal mines was any indication, he could become every bit as successful in business as his father.
And then there were those nights, those wonderful glorious nights, she had spent in his arms. Even now she would smile as she remembered little intimacies they had shared, the wonder of discovery as she became more familiar with her body and its reaction to his. It had made her feel warm and safe, had made her feel like she belonged, as nothing had done since her father’s death. And he had been more than kind to her. He had wanted to come to her bed, wanted to please her.
Then there was the look she had seen growing in his eyes over these last weeks, a look of trust and love, a look she vowed she would see in his eyes once more, if she had to turn Scotland inside out to f
ind the key to his wild behavior. She had almost despaired of anyone loving her as Gavin did, and now that she had seen his love for her come alive in his eyes, she would not rest until it lived there again. And it was for his sake as much as hers. She knew he felt cheated and betrayed, and that unless she could restore his faith in her love, he would have difficulty putting any meaning into his life. And as selfish as she was for her own happiness, she knew restoring Gavin’s belief in her love would give him much more than love. It would give him back his life.
Then there was the baby, though how she could save it until last she didn’t know. She was becoming accustomed to the sickness; it came every day, just as regularly as the sun, to remind her there was a life other than her own depending on Gavin. Whatever her feelings, she owed it to her unborn child to see that it was born into a family, with a father and a mother who loved each other, as well as the child. She had plenty of evidence in Gavin of what a selfish and manipulative parent could do to a child, and she was determined it would never happen to her baby.
“You’ve lost some of your bloom since I last saw you,” the Prince said, as he entered the room where Sara waited for him.
“I carry my husband’s child, and suffer from the sickness,” Sara explained. “You do not look well yourself, your Majesty.”
“Aye, I’ve been sick, too. In fact, Clementina gave me orders to remain in bed until she returned, but I could not let you arrive in Inverness without seeing you. It seems that both our causes have come upon disquieting times.”
“I hope yours is only temporary.”
“I greatly fear we shall have the answer to that question before I’m fully recovered. You know that Cumberland has left Aberdeen?” Sara nodded. “I’m told his army is more numerous than my faithful Highlanders. I know none of them have the heart of these courageous men who have risked everything for me, yet I know that heart and courage do not always carry the day. Is it not so?”
Sweet Temptation Page 30