by L. S. Scott
I pushed my plate away and leaned back in my chair. He sucked in a breath and held it in anticipation of my tirade. It didn’t come. I looked deep in his eyes, holding them for several seconds before speaking.
“I love you,” I declared. He released his held breath.
“I love you too baby. I know you’re still mad at me, I can see it in your eyes.”
I just stared at him in silence.
“We might as well talk about it now and get it over with,” he said.
I shook my head. “No. It’s over,” I said softly. He looked at me doubtfully.
I pushed my chair back and got up and stepped to him. He pushed his chair back to allow me to stand between his legs. He wrapped his arms around me. I looked down at him, running my fingers through his hair, trying to hide the sadness squeezing my heart.
“What is it,” he asked worriedly.
I climbed onto his lap, straddling him, and took his lips in the slowest, deepest kiss, a kiss full of goodbye.
After a couple hours of lovemaking, full of unspoken apologies and farewells, we drifted and slept soundly in each-other’s arms. It was a little after 4:00 am when I woke. Thirty minutes later I stopped at our bedroom door to look back at him, sleeping peacefully.
“Good bye baby, I love you,” I whispered as a tear slid down my cheek and I turned and walked out.
My heart ached as I walked down the hill to my old Ford that had been parked down by the barn since I got the Bronco. I tried not to think about how he was going to react when he woke and I was gone. I tried not to think about how he would feel abandoned again. Visions of a sad little boy, with tear filled blue eyes, bombarded my thoughts. But I did what I had to do. He was unwilling to compromise. If I was going to have any control at all over my own life, I had to take it now.
I stopped at the gas station in town to fill up and count my money. Jaron always gave me more than I needed each week, so I had over $200 saved up for a rainy day.
“Mornin Natalie, you’re out bright and early,” Mr. Wilson greeted me when I paid for my gas. He had owned the only gas station in town since I was a kid.
“Yeah, road trip,” I said vaguely, smiling as I set some snacks on the counter.
“Where to,” he asked making small talk.
“Gonna visit Jake,” I answered absent mindedly.
“Well you be careful,” he said sincerely, handing me my change.
“Yes sir. Have a good day,” I called over my shoulder, the bell ringing as I walked out the door.
I drove for a couple hours before my phone rang for the first time, close to 6:30 a.m. I had started to leave it behind, but was afraid to head out on such a long road trip in my ancient truck without a cell phone. I knew who it was, but I looked at the display anyway. I set it down and let voicemail pick up. It was the first of many calls. They came in ten and fifteen minute increments, nonstop, until I finally turned the ringer off and threw it in my purse. I couldn’t talk to him, my resolve wasn’t that strong. He would have me turned around and headed home within minutes.
I had been driving for over three hours when I crossed over into Oklahoma. I stopped at a gas station for a bathroom break and to top off my tank and to make the dreaded phone call to Jake. The phone rang and I said a silent prayer he would answer. I had never been to his house and had no idea where I was going.
“Hello,” he answered in a groggy voice.
“Wake up sleepy head,” I said, overjoyed he had answered.
“Hey, why you calling so early?” I could tell he already knew something was amiss.
I bit my lip, willing the tears away. “I’m in Oklahoma Jake.”
“What?” His voice was suddenly clear and alert. “What’s the matter?”
“I left Jaron and I need directions.”
“You’re driving all the way to Texas by yourself?”
“I didn’t know what else to do,” my lip started quivering. “I snuck out this morning.”
“Did he hurt you?” I could hear the ire and concern in his voice.
“No, I’m okay,” I said, glancing at the bruise on my cheek in the mirror. If I couldn’t cover it with makeup, I would worry about explaining it when I got there.
He didn’t question me anymore, just gave me the directions to the town he lived in. We made plans to meet at Wendy’s for lunch, estimating that I should be rolling into town around noon. Before I hung up, my phone was lighting up with another call from Jaron. I let it go to voice mail. I gave it a few minutes then checked my mail box. There was twelve voicemails. I took a deep breath and started listening to them.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, but you better get your ass home. Call me now.”
“Where the hell are you at? And why aren’t you answering me? You’re about to piss me off Natalie. Call me back.”
“You have half an hour to get your ass home then I’m coming to look for you.”
“God Dammit Natalie, answer the fucking phone. I know you’re not at Tiffany’s. I swear to God if you’re with someone else…”
I clicked the phone shut. It was too hard to listen to. It wasn’t the words but the anger and hurt in his voice that had my stomach tied in knots. I fired up the old Ford and returned to the interstate, eager to put as many miles between us as possible, before I chickened out and turned around.
It was close to 1:00 pm when I rolled into McAllen, Texas. Jake’s directions were excellent. I got there without getting lost one time and Wendy’s was right on the main drag. Jake only lived a few blocks away and was there in minutes after I called to let him know I made it.
“Hey bub. I made it. I’m sitting in the Wendy’s parking lot,” I said, proud of myself.
“Awesome. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“K.”
“I love ya sis.”
“Love you too.” I hung up and swallowed the huge lump in my throat.
My phone vibrated in my hand. Another call from Jaron, but when I looked at the display it was Tiffany.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Natalie,” she said breathlessly.
“Who’d you expect?”
“What the hell is going on,” she quizzed, her voice full of concerned confusion.
“Why,” I asked.
“Because Jaron came here looking for you all crazy eyed.”
I sucked in a deep breath, “I left him.”
“What? Where are you?”
“Texas,’ I said flatly.
“Oh. My. God. It must’ve been pretty bad for you to take off to Texas.” I heard her voice crack, worried that he had hurt me.
“I’m okay Tiffany; it’s about the whole college thing.”
“Okay, well call me if you need me?”
“I will. Love ya.”
“Love you too Nat.” I hung up and waited for Jake.
After an emotional parking lot hug, we went in to have lunch. He sat across from me stewing over the bruise on my face, but listened quietly as I told him the whole story.
“It was an accident Jake. He didn’t mean to hit me.”
He snarled and shook his head.
“He had his hands on you, forcing you to do something you didn’t want to do. If he wasn’t man handling you to begin with, it would’ve never happened. I swear Natalie. You’ve got to stop defending him.”
“I know,” I agreed looking out the window, paranoid that he would somehow find me and be pulling up any minute.
“So, what now?’
“I don’t know. I just had to get away so I could come up with a plan. Graduation’s next week, I’ll have to go back and then I have to figure out what I’m going to do about college. I’ve got to get my financial aid worked out and register.” I buried my head in my hands, overwhelmed.
“It’s gonna be ok, sis. Hey, at least you have your choice of schools. I’m really proud of you.”
“Thanks.”
Jake spent the whole day showing me around. It felt so good to hang out
with him again. I didn’t realize how much I missed him. We ate dinner at the best little bar-b-q place, then went over to his friends to hang out a bit. He proudly introduced me to everyone.
“Wow Mills. It’s clear to see who got all the looks in the family,” his friend Dylan joked, patting him on the back and extending a hand to me.
“Back off Dylan,” he snapped.
It was fun to get a look into Jake’s life. It hit me hard how completely separate our lives were. I started to seriously consider staying and decided I would sleep on it before I even mentioned the possibility to Jake.
After a long and emotional day, I settled into Jake’s small spare room. I lay in the full size bed staring at the ceiling, barely able to make out the shape of the light fixture in the dark. I wondered what Jaron was doing. A lump formed in my throat at the thought of him sitting at the dinner table alone, his knee bouncing nervously waiting for me to walk through the door.
I had just closed my eyes against the ache, when my cell buzzed from the night stand. The light from the display glowed bright in the dark room. I looked over, already knowing what the display would say. I fought the urge to answer and let it go to voicemail. I had already deleted all the voicemails of the day so I wouldn’t be tempted to listen to them because the increasingly panicked sound in Jaron’s voice was starting to get to me. Seconds later I checked for the new message, but there wasn’t one. Just as I set the phone back on the table, debating whether or not to turn it off completely, it gave a short buzz. A text came through.
“I’m not mad. Please come home. I love you.”
Unable to hold them back any longer, the tears rolled down my cheeks. I buried my head in the unfamiliar pillow and cried myself to sleep.
I slept in and after a late breakfast, sat down at the computer in the small dining room and began surfing the college websites. Jake had just showered and dressed and was asking me what I wanted to do for the day, suggesting some horseback riding at a friend’s ranch. I shrugged off the suggestion. I had spent too much time riding with Jaron and knew it would only have me thinking about him even more. He was just about to move onto to another idea, when the door- bell rang, followed by an insistent knock. Jake strolled to the door to answer it. The muscles in my chest constricted in anticipation as I stilled and listened from around the corner.
“Is Natalie here,” his voice was low and strained with held back emotion. I swallowed hard and took a long deep breath to fight the nervous nausea in my gut.
“No,” Jake growled in a tone I had never heard from him.
“I know she’s here Jake. Natalie?” Jaron said cool but impatient, calling out for me.
“She ran away, all the way to Texas to get away from you. Can’t you take a fucking hint?”
“Natalie!” Jaron shouted around Jake.
I heard shuffling and stood, moving closer but still hidden from view.
“You have ten seconds to get in your truck and take your ass back to Arkansas,” Jake warned his voice full of contempt.
“Or what,” Jaron’s patience had found its end. His voice was a threatening hiss through his clenched jaw. “Natalie!” his cry for me grew louder and more distressed.
I stepped around the corner into view just as Jaron took a step in the door and Jake fisted his fingers in the front of Jaron’s shirt. The two stood bowed against each other, chests heaving with building animosity.
Jaron saw me over Jake’s shoulder and froze, his eyes locked with mine. They were rimmed in red with dark circles under them. He kept his hands at his side as Jake tried to push him back, but couldn’t budge him. I walked to Jake’s side to break his hold as Jaron stared blankly into my eyes.
“Let go Jake,” I ordered softly.
“Just go back inside Natalie, I’ll handle it. Let me handle it,” Jake implored. Jaron’s eyes never left mine and he remained silent.
“Jake, please, let go.”
My brother took a deep, disgusted breath and let go of Jaron’s shirt with a little push for good measure. Jaron ignored him, still regarding me with his deadpan stare. Jake turned and went down the hall, mumbling something under his breath. Jaron’s hand rose toward me and I stepped back, wary. He snorted with a pained expression.
“How did you find me,” I managed.
He raised his arm and propped his forearm against the door frame and pressed his thumb to his temple.
“I will always find you Natalie.”
His words sent a shiver down my spine because deep down I knew they were true.
“Why would you leave me like that,” he asked, pained.
His eyes searched my face, taking in the full effect of the elbow he had landed unintentionally.
“You know that was an accident,” his brows stitched together sorrowfully.
“You lied to me. You’re unwilling to compromise or let me make any decisions for myself. It’s always all about what you want. I can’t get a job, I can’t to college…”
I shook my head, chewing my lip contemplatively. He watched me closely.
“I’ve worked my ass off for the chance to go to college and I am going. You showing up here don’t change that.”
His shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes. His jaw clenched. He stood up straight and opened his eyes.
“Ok. Go to college, get a job, what-ever you want, just please, come home.”
My brows rose in surprise. He stood in front of me defeated and cooperative, a first. I resisted the urge to jump into his arms.
“How do I know you’re telling me the truth and you won’t change your mind when we get home?”
“Natalie I promise. Please, let’s just go eat lunch and talk about it.”
He took my hand in his and rubbed his thumb across my knuckles. My body rejoiced at his touch, against my will. I nodded.
Jake wouldn’t look at me as I told him I was going with Jaron. He just waved his hand goodbye. Jaron opened the driver’s side door for me and like a trained blue heeler, I started to load up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him, his tensed body melting around mine, his hand fisting in the back of my hair. Without speaking, after a long embrace, he released me and allowed me to climb in.
Lunch started out tense and emotional, sitting in a secluded booth in a small country diner. We talked quietly and hushed when the waitress approached or someone walked by. Jaron held my hands in his in the middle of the table, tightening his grip when the conversation became strained or upsetting. By the time the food came, he had convinced me to come home. That he wouldn’t raise any hell about me going to college, even offering to pay for it at one point, which I refused.
I wasn’t very hungry due to my late breakfast and shared Jaron’s fries instead of ordering anything.
“You sure that’s enough,” he asked, referring to the few fries I managed to eat.
“Yeah, I just had breakfast not too long ago.”
He looked at me suspiciously, worried that I was not eating because I was still upset.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes Jaron I’m sure.” He let it go.
Jaron sat in the truck as I said my goodbye’s to Jake. He was disappointed and doubtful, but didn’t bother throwing a fit, knowing it would be a waste of time and energy.
“I love you Sis.” He touched the bruise on my face and shook his head, dismayed. “Don’t let him hurt you.” Worry lines creased his forehead.
I smiled reassuringly. “I won’t Jake, he doesn’t. It was accident, I promise.”
I hugged him goodbye and walked away saying a silent prayer that it was the right decision.
We left the old Ford behind and I think Jaron was happy about it,one less thing tying me to someone else. The five hour drive home was more fun than I anticipated. We talked and giggled and he held my thigh tightly in his hand almost the whole way. It was clear he was just relieved and happy that I would soon be back home with him, where I belonged.
He unloaded my bag and carried it in for me. My jaw dro
pped when I walked through the door. The place looked like a tornado had torn through it, a very destructive tornado. There were several holes in several walls. The kitchen window above the sink was busted out and a shattered drinking glass still lay in the kitchen floor.
I swallowed hard as I walked slowly down the hall into our bedroom. The closet door was ripped off, the bathroom door hanging on one hinge and all the pillows and covers were ripped off the bed and tossed in the floor.
Jaron followed me silently and put my bag on the bare mattress. I turned to look at him in disbelief. His mouth opened as if to say something, then closed, then opened, then closed again. He finally just shook his head and shrugged and looked down at the floor.
“Jaron,” I said, half scolding half questioning.
“I’m sorry. I’ll get it all cleaned up,” he said, going straight to work on the covers piled in the corner.
I grabbed his arm and pulled him to me, visions of him desperate and panicked, pacing and destroying things filling my head. I had done this to him, left him here without explanation, and abandoned him. His arms encircled me, holding on for dear life. I felt his breath hitch, holding back a sob.
“I’m sorry baby,” I whispered, stroking his back.
“Please don’t ever leave me like that again,” he begged, his voice sounding small and wounded.
I just shook my head. Suddenly consumed with the need to feel him, I lifted his shirt over his head. He clutched my face between his hands and kissed me feverishly, as if we had been apart for months.
“Don’t ever, ever leave me like that again,” he cried against my lips.
“No, never again,” I promised, pulling him down to the mattress.
Chapter Eighteen
Everyone I loved came to my graduation, even Mom. Jaron, Janna and Greg sat on one end of the auditorium, Jake and mom the other, but at least they were all there. Mom gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, while Jaron stood silently behind me. Jake praised and hugged me and smiled at me adoringly before turning his attention to Tiffany.
I turned on my heel to Jaron, Janna and Greg standing behind me. Jaron took my breath away, in his crisp white shirt and dark denim, a fresh haircut and no cap. When he pulled his head up and caught me looking at him, he smiled. I ran and jumped in his arms not giving a damn who was watching. He hugged me up and lifted me off my feet.