by S. H. Kolee
Simon reacted as if I had physically hit him, reeling back and dropping my hand. He paled and his eyes no longer were filled with concern. They were glinting with pain. His mouth twisted in distaste. "You told me before that you shared more with me than anyone else besides Sarah," he accused in a low voice. "Where does Bob fit in?" Simon almost spat when he said his name.
I cursed myself for telling Simon that before. I felt conflicted, needing to push him away but loathe to hurt him. I tried to do the least damage possible.
"Our relationship is...complicated," I explained. "Bob accepts me for who I am without questions. He doesn't ask and I don't feel the need to explain. We're okay with not taking it beyond that." Even I knew that the relationship between myself and the fictitious Bob sounded pathetic.
Simon grunted in disgust. "So he would just let you spin out of control, no questions asked? He sounds like a shithead."
I couldn't keep a handle on all these sides of Simon. One moment he was sweet and caring, then he was dry and funny, flirting with me. I had seen this angry side to him before and tonight I had witnessed his domineering side. I rubbed my forehead, suddenly feeling exhausted. There was no point to this conversation. The lies about Bob were getting ridiculous. I was fooling myself as well as Simon. I just needed to end this conversation now so that I could break down in private. I had no more fight left in me.
"Simon. I'm not spinning out of control. I have no obligation to explain myself to you. We're friends. Barely that. When you think about it, we've only known each other for two weeks. I do value you as a friend but you have to respect my boundaries. Privacy is important to me."
Simon was staring at me like he didn't recognize me. My heart lurched at the distant cold look in his eyes, but forced myself to face it, knowing that this was what I had asked for. What I needed.
"Barely friends," he sneered. "I'm glad I rate so high. What the hell was I thinking?"
He stood and grabbed his coat and flung open the front door. I stared at the floor, desperately trying to hold in my sobs of pain and regret until he left.
"I was wrong about you," Simon spat out. I looked up at him at his words. His eyes were glassy with a repressed emotion that I didn't understand. "You got your wish, babe. You want to be barely friends? We're barely friends."
Simon slammed the door behind me, leaving me more alone than I had ever felt. I heard his footsteps pound down the stairs and then I was left in silence. I let the pain overtake me, letting myself sink into my sorrow. I would build my walls back up later. Now I let the tears rush down my face, choking me until I felt I would shatter into a million pieces.
I feigned sleep a few hours later when I heard Sarah come home and quietly open my door. She was silent for a few seconds and then shut the door. I opened my eyes and sighed with relief. After Simon had left, I had cried until I felt raw and exposed. I couldn't talk to anybody right now. Even Sarah.
I was exhausted but I was afraid to sleep. Afraid of what was waiting for me. So I fought it until my eyes drifted closed, not even realizing that I had succumbed.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The girl whimpered as a shadow fell on her, the piece of wood held up high. Rivulets of blood were streaming down her face.
"Please!" she cried, holding her hands above her head, trying to shield herself. "Please! I don't understand! I don't understand what's happening!! Who are you?? How-"
The piece of wood came down again ruthlessly, the sound of impact reverberating in my ears.
"No!" I screamed. "Stop it!"
The girl groaned and crumpled onto the ground. She looked as if she was unconscious as I saw the piece of wood lift again.
"Stop!" I screamed desperately, grabbing the sides of my head with my hands, almost ripping out my hair. I willed my legs to move with all my might. I wanted to run to her, to help her, but my feet were rooted to the ground, not following my orders.
The girl's eyes suddenly opened and her head tilted up. Instead of looking groggy with pain, her eyes were clear and shot right through me. She looked straight at me. Saw me. Her grey eyes implored me.
"Help me," she choked out. Before I could even comprehend what was happening, the piece of wood hit her again brutally, knocking her back.
I heard frantic whimpers and realized they were coming from me. I desperately tried to wake up, to pull myself out of this.
I saw the piece of wood drop next to the body, but instead of hearing the footsteps of the attacker walking away, I heard a scrape that sounded familiar. I tried to place the sound and then saw a hand holding a lighted match above the body.
"Nooooo!" I screamed in horror as I watched the hand drop the match onto the body. The girl's clothes quickly caught on fire and soon she was enveloped in flames. I felt the heat of the fire burning my face. I could smell the acrid smell of smoke. And worst of all, I could smell the burning of flesh.
I moaned, rocking my body and holding my head between my hands but unable to shut my eyes. I felt something break inside of me as I saw the girl's body twitching in the fire. I didn't know whether she was still alive and being burned to death, or if her body was just reacting automatically to the fire, the reflexes kicking in. Either way, it was too much for me. I prayed to either wake up or die. It didn't matter which one. I would accept death to escape this.
I was so focused on the burning body that I hadn't realized that the attacker was still there, breathing heavily. Suddenly I saw the monster step into the frame, as if it was being cued onstage. Except it wasn't a monster that turned to look at me. It was the girl, except there was no blood on her. She looked perfectly fine except for the feral grin on her face and the inhuman look in her eyes.
My brain couldn't process this. I had just watched her die. Her body was still engulfed in flames before me. Yet here she was, standing there, staring at me. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? Did this hold some kind of stupid symbolism that a dream interpreter would love to dissect?
Except this didn't feel like some exercise of the mind. This felt real.
The girl smirked and crooked her finger at me in some horrible invitation. She was flipping crazy if she thought I was going to walk towards her, even if I had control of my limbs, which I didn't.
Her face grew enraged as she took a step forward towards me.
"Caitlin!" I felt someone shaking me urgently. "Caitlin! Wake up!"
Sarah's voice broke through the haze and I opened my eyes, feeling as though I had escaped near death. Sarah was leaning over me crying. She had stopped shaking me when I had opened my eyes but now she seemed to be the one shaking.
"Sarah," I said groggily, propping myself up on my elbows. I tried to clear my mind, wanting to reassure her that I was okay but still feeling like I was trapped in a nightmare.
"Sarah, I'm okay." She continued sobbing. My own fear evaporated as I took my first look at her. The lights were on in my room and she was pale and shaking, tears streaming down her face. I reached out to soothe her but she backed away, growing paler. I was confused by her actions, the faint glimmer of fear I saw in her eyes.
"Sarah?"
She shook her head as if to clear her mind and came closer, sitting on the edge of my bed.
"I've never heard you like this, Caitlin," Sarah said in a wavering voice. "You were screaming like you were being killed. It was worse than anything I've ever heard. You were sobbing and begging someone to stop. You were pulling at your hair like you were going to rip it out. I was so scared you were going to hurt yourself."
I reached up and felt the side of my head, feeling how sore my scalp felt where I had gripped my hair.
"I'm sorry, Sarah," I said, feeling terrible that I had put her through this. But that still didn't explain the fear. "Was there anything else?"
She hesitated and then spoke. "At one point, I thought I had been able to wake you up. Your eyes opened and you looked straight at me."
"Okay," I said slowly, not understanding why she was looking so
nervous.
"But-but I don't think you were awake. But you spoke to me."
"What did I say?"
"You told me to get out. To leave you alone. Or I would regret it. You told me that you would hurt me." Sarah looked chagrined, as if it pained her to tell me this. "You called me some names."
"Oh, Sarah," I said, feeling a piercing pain at her words. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Sarah. I couldn't bear ruining the only honest relationship I had. I didn't want her friendship to become another casualty of my craziness. "What did I call you?" I didn't want to know but I had to.
Sarah bit her lip and looked down, playing with a loose thread on my comforter. "You called me pathetic. That I didn't have enough courage to go after who I wanted. You said that I was a loser and would never amount to anything." She looked up at me, her eyes glassy with pain.
I stared at her, not wanting to understand her words. As far as I knew, I had never talked in my sleep. And even if I did, where did those ugly words come from? The words Sarah had said I had flung at her were the exact opposite of the emotions I felt towards her. I was grateful to have Sarah in my life. I was concerned about her feelings towards Grant but only because I worried about them being unrequited and that she would be hurt. The last thing I would criticize Sarah for was not having enough courage to go after who she wanted, considering my situation. Sarah had enough courage for the both of us. I had no courage at all, avoiding the pitfalls of life, like romantic relationships.
"Sarah, I'm so sorry," I said, not knowing how to apologize. Even though I hadn't been conscious of the words I had said in my sleep, I hated myself at this moment.
"You know I don't think those things about you. You're the bravest person I know. You're the one that forces me to face life. If it wasn't for you, I'd be holed up in some dorm room on campus with no friends. I'm so sorry I said those things to you." I felt tears running down my face.
Sarah grasped my hand, her face clearing. She tried to smile. "I know you don't." She creased her forehead. "It's like it wasn't you. I don't know how to explain it. You sounded like you and of course you looked like you." She paused. "But you didn't look at me like you." She shook her head. "If that makes sense."
"That makes as much sense as everything else in my life. Remind me never to make that punch again," I said, trying to break the tension with a joke. I really needed to come up with a better coping mechanism.
Sarah gave me a small smile and then she furrowed her brow again. "After you said...those things to me, you closed your eyes and then you started screaming again. That's when I realized that you hadn't really woken up."
I sighed. What new heights was the lunacy of my mind taking me? I glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost five in the morning. "I think that's as much sleep as I'm going to get. What do you say to pancakes?"
Sarah brightened, looking like herself. "I'm in!"
We made our way into the kitchen, turning on the hallway lights as well as the living room lights. We both seemed to want to fill the apartment with as much light as possible to chase away the shadows. I even left my bedroom light on and Sarah did the same with hers. I resisted the urge to turn on the bathroom light. Even I had my limits of irrational fear.
Sarah watched me as I pulled out the ingredients for pancakes.
"Can I help?" she asked. She gave a wry smile. "I guess a salad wouldn't really be appropriate with pancakes."
I smiled, grateful that the earlier events hadn't make us awkward. "We'll save that for another time. I'd say pancakes are the least I can do after scaring you so badly."
Sarah bit her lip before she spoke. "So what happened last night?"
I wondered how much to tell her as I measured out the flour. I decided to be totally honest with her. It had been hard enough to close myself off from Simon. I couldn't do the same with Sarah.
"That girl," I said. "The blonde that was friends with Jenny. She was the one in my vision."
Sarah inhaled and exhaled deeply. "You said as much last night. Her name is Claudia. She's in the arts and music school with Jenny. Simon too, I guess."
I ignored the part about Simon. "Did you talk to her?"
"Yeah. She seemed nice. Totally normal. Not that she wouldn't be. The people from your visions are just regular people, right? Why did you get so scared when you saw her? You said you felt like she was coming after you."
I nodded. "It was different with her. Normally when I see a person from my visions, I flash back to their vision but I just feel weird around them because it's hard to act like nothing's bothering me. I feel so bad for them in my visions, but in real life, after the shock of seeing them wears off, I just feel guilty. Guilty that my brain imagines them dying."
"It's not your fault you have these visions," Sarah protested, defending me as usual. "What did you feel when you saw Claudia?"
"I felt like she was going to hurt me. Even though she looked normal and was smiling, I felt like she was coming to kill me." I shook my head at my irrational thoughts. "I know it sounds crazy. But at that moment, it felt real. Her eyes looked at me like she was a predator. And she had found her prey. That's why I flipped out and ran. I seriously felt like I was running for my life." The pancakes were forgotten, the ingredients just sitting on the counter as I relived my fear.
"Maybe it has something to do with the visions feeling so real now," Sarah said, looking thoughtful. "You said before that it felt like you were a part of it instead of just watching, detached from it all."
I nodded slowly, feeling bad that I was burdening Sarah with my craziness but needing to talk about it. "It's worse now. I was having the vision of her again when you woke me. But this time she looked at me. She saw me."
Sarah sucked in a sharp breath of air, fear clouding her face. "What do you mean she saw you?"
"She looked straight at me. Not in my direction At me. And she asked me to help her." I shivered at the memory and saw Sarah shudder as well. I instantly regretted telling her. It wasn't fair to drag her into this mess. My mess that my mind had created.
"And then what?" she asked, her voice cracking a little.
I shook my head. "Sarah, I really think it's better if we leave it at that. It's enough to scare the crap out of me. I don't want you scared too."
Sarah pressed her lips together. "No way. You're not shutting me out. If you don't tell me, I'm just going to imagine the worst. It's better if you tell me. Besides, I think it'll help you to tell me."
I debated whether it was a good idea to share everything. I saw the determined look in Sarah's eyes and relented. Usually Sarah respected my desire for privacy when I left out details, but when she set her mind to it, she could be stubborn and steadfast in insisting I tell her everything. And she was right. I would feel better telling her. I needed someone to be a witness to my mind's lunacy.
I relented and told Sarah about how the vision had changed with the fire, and how I had seen the attacker. Something that had never happened before in any of my visions. I wasn't sure if all my visions were of murders because sometimes I was thrust in the midst of their death, unsure if it had been caused by someone. But all the visions were violent. Sarah's eyes widened when I told her the attacker had somehow been Claudia, that apparently I had seen her murder herself, as impossible as that sounded.
She hugged me after I was done, having been quiet as I explained everything. "This sucks."
I grimaced. "You can say that again."
"But what does it mean?"
"It could be nothing," I shrugged. "At this point, I don't know why my mind does the things it does. I'm just hoping it doesn't happen again."
"But it has to mean something," Sarah insisted.
"Maybe it means I'm crazy," I said, not sure if I was joking or not.
Sarah frowned. "Don't say that. You're not crazy." She paused. "Did you tell Simon anything earlier?"
I shook my head, feeling pain bloom in me again at the mention of his name. "No," I replied flatly. "I think I
've finally succeeded in pushing him away."
"Oh, Caitlin!" Sarah said with regret. "Why would you do that? You need people in your life that care about you. And Simon definitely cares about you. Grant said Simon barely finished the song they were singing when you ran out last night. Simon just muttered something about taking a break, and jumped off the stage to run after you."
I didn't want to hear this. It made the pain more acute. But the masochistic part of me didn't interrupt her.
"Grant said he talks about you all the time, asking him so many questions about you that Grant said it gets annoying. He already told me before that Simon doesn't believe Bob exists. Last night Grant told me that he's never seen Simon act this way about a girl. And trust me, he's had plenty of girls chasing after him. Simon's dated but nothing serious. He lets the girl pursue him. He's never pursued anyone. Until you."
Sarah drew in a deep breath after her flood of words and continued, not knowing her words were battering holes in my wall that I would need to patch up later. "Simon really cares about you. I could tell by the way he took care of you last night. Even though he was so bossy about it." She smirked. "Grant said that he wasn't planning on going to Connecticut next weekend for Kendra's birthday because he has a lot of work to do for a class project, but Simon kept bugging him until he finally relented. The only reason Simon wanted Grant to go so badly is because he thought you would be more inclined to agree to go if Grant and I went too. Simon knows you well enough to realize that you would never go with him on your own."
Sarah would have continued but I held up my hand, unable to take anymore. My self-preservation finally kicked in.
"I can't, Sarah." I was desperate for her to understand. "I feel like I'm going crazy. My visions are getting stronger, more real. Simon has been in one of my visions. I'm just lucky I haven't had another one of him since I met him. But I will if I keep hanging around him all the time. I thought I could risk being friends with him, hoping that I wouldn't have another one. But now I know it would debilitate me, especially if I had a vision of him that was so real, like the one I had tonight."