by S. H. Kolee
My stomach dropped at her words. It was bad enough that apparently Simon had shifted his attentions to someone else so quickly. But for that someone else to be Claudia...the girl from my visions. The girl that had looked at me with such hatred. The girl that I wasn't sure was still the same girl but a...vardoger. How the hell was I supposed to handle all that on a Monday morning?
I tried to keep my face blank as I shrugged. "What makes you think that?" I tried to hide my desperate curiosity.
"Apparently he spent all day yesterday with her," Samantha replied, sounding even more glum if that was possible. "He took her to the Cove where they were looking pretty cozy and then they spent the rest of the day at his place." She turned to me, her eyes assessing me. "I was sure you were interested in him."
I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly, a direct contrast to my heart that was clenching painfully. I guess the Cove was becoming Simon's MO for trying to get into a girl's pants. I shook my head at the uncharitable thought. Simon had never tried to push me in that direction. And I had no right to think badly of him since I was the one that had rejected him. It still didn't make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse.
"Like I said Samantha, we're just friends. Good for Simon."
Oh, my lying heart.
Samantha huffed. "I guess he goes for the goody-two-shoes type." She looked me up and down as she said this. I had the feeling that I should be insulted but I couldn't muster enough energy for it. Without the rivalry of a boy, Samantha was less grating. But not by much.
She kept walking beside me. As far as I knew, Samantha didn't have any classes in the business school, where I was headed. I wondered at Marcus' statement that she didn't have many friends as I gave her a sidelong glance. I wondered if she was a different girl behind all the defenses of her sexuality she put up. Like me. I just had different defenses.
I sucked in my breath as I suddenly caught sight of Simon. But he wasn't alone. He was with Claudia. They were walking a path that would directly intersect ours, probably heading towards the student center. Samantha turned in the direction I was looking at and made a sound of disgust.
"There's the happy couple now," she said with contempt. I wondered if she felt a certain camaraderie with me because she thought we had both been rejected by Simon, assuming that he had rebuffed my advances. I didn't think it was possible for Samantha to believe it was the other way around - that someone would reject a guy like Simon. I had to admit, I couldn't imagine any normal sane girl rejecting Simon. Now, an abnormal crazy girl was a different story...
Samantha lifted her hand in a wave as they drew closer.
"What are you doing?" I hissed. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to Simon and Claudia.
Samantha turned to wink at me. "The battle might be over but the war's not done." I rolled my eyes at her lame statement. At least she didn't seem threatened by me anymore.
I needed to escape before they got any closer, before eye contact was made and I was forced to greet them.
"I, uh-have to make a stop somewhere before my class," I explained quickly to Samantha. She was barely paying attention to me as she watched Simon and Claudia draw closer, a predatory smile on her face.
"Whatever."
That was enough of a reply for me and I started veering towards the right to avoid them. I had only taken a few steps when I heard his voice call out.
"Caitlin!"
Shit shit shit. I turned around with a fake smile as they drew closer.
"Oh, hi Simon." I tried to sound casual as I looked into his blue eyes. Blue eyes that seemed to be dissecting me. He halted before me and I momentarily forgot about Claudia standing next to him. It said a lot about his effect on me if it could cause me to forget her.
"Running away?" he asked with a smirk. I didn't know which was worse. An overly interested Simon or a smirking Simon.
"Ah...no," I said, knowing that it looked exactly like that. "I just forgot that I had to do something. I didn't see you guys."
Simon narrowed his eyes and then nodded towards Claudia. "This is Claudia. I don't think you guys met on Saturday since we left so...abruptly."
I gave her a tight smile. "Hi Claudia, nice to meet you." I couldn't help searching her eyes, trying to catch a glimpse of what I had seen on Saturday. Searching for a sign of the vardoger. But she looked at me with a warm friendly expression and clear grey eyes. Simon couldn't have known she was who I had reacted so strongly to, but his introduction still felt cruel. Like he was punishing me for rejecting him with his new interest. Simon was yet again showing me a new side to him. Maybe this side would help me get over my fixation with him.
"Hi Caitlin," she responded enthusiastically. "I've heard so much about you! I was so disappointed I couldn't make your party on Saturday. Jenny invited me but I had already promised my roommate to go to another Halloween party with her."
"No problem," I said with a weak smile. I glanced at Samantha who was watching the exchange silently, narrowing her eyes at Claudia and then glancing at me when she saw Simon watching me.
"How are you feeling?" Concern clouded Claudia's eyes. "I heard you were feeling sick that night."
"Did you?" I asked, wondering if Simon had told her what exactly had happened. As much as he knew, anyway. But I didn't look in his direction.
"Yeah, Jenny said that you were having some kind of bad reaction to the alcohol you drank."
"Oh," I said dumbly, relieved that it didn't seem as though Simon had been telling Claudia things about me. "Yeah, I think I just drank too much." I paused, not knowing what else to say. "Well, it was nice meeting you. I'll see you guys later."
I was about to turn to make my escape when I saw something flicker in Claudia's eyes. It was just for a second, but it was enough for a chill to snake down my spine. Was it the vardoger? Had it taken over her body yet or was this one of the quick possessions to strengthen the connection? My breath grew shallow as I stared at her, watching for another flicker, for another indication that she was no longer the person she was supposed to be.
"Caitlin." Simon's voice broke through my trance. I shifted my eyes to him, not understanding the expression on his face. He looked like he was trying to catch every nuance of our stilted conversation. Simon's face looked coldly assessing which was at odds with the tinge of sadness I saw in his eyes. I then felt a fear that I would see a flicker in his eyes. A flicker of something that didn't belong inside of him. That was something I couldn't handle. I couldn't take any more of Invasion of the Body Snatchers this morning.
"I really have to go," I said hurriedly before Simon could say any more. I gave a weak smile and held my hand up in a feeble wave, rushing off in the opposite direction. I heard Simon call my name but I didn't care. I kept on walking, not paying attention to where I was going. Screw class. I kept walking blindly, unsuccessfully trying not to think about the flicker in Claudia's eyes. Or Simon and Claudia being together.
When I finally looked up, I found myself in front of Colette's. This was as good a place as any to be. It was better than going back to the apartment.
"What are you doing here?" Colleen asked from behind her register when I stepped inside.
"Geez," I said with exasperation. "Isn't anyone doing greetings today?"
Colleen arched a brow and I sighed. "I'm here to eat. I heard from a reliable authority that you guys serve food here."
Colleen shrugged and waved me over to a table. "By the way," she said as I passed by her. "You look like hell."
I grimaced at her lack of filter. I knew I looked like hell but I didn't need to hear it from other people.
"It's been a rough couple of days," I replied drily. "Actually make that a rough lifetime. That's why I'm here to console myself with blueberry pancakes."
"It's as good a remedy as anything else," Colleen said. "Well, besides a shot of whiskey."
I couldn't help but smile at her reply and slid into my seat. Emily came over to take my order and frowned when she got a good
look at me.
"Are you okay, Caitlin?" she asked as her eyes looked me over. "You look like you haven't slept. And I heard you got sick on Saturday."
I suppressed my irritation. It wasn't Emily's fault that news of my mini freak-out had spread. She was just genuinely concerned.
"I'm okay," I said with a slight smile. "Just a rough night. Nothing that a stack of pancakes can't fix."
"Got it," she replied. I was grateful that she seemed to realize that I didn't feel like talking. "Coffee?"
"Yes, please."
I took my time with my coffee and pancakes, not sure what my next steps should be. What I had seen in Claudia's eyes today, as brief as it had been, pushed the doubt from my mind. Most of it, anyways. I had to make sure to protect myself from my vardoger before I even considered what I would do with my power. Although power didn't seem like the right word for it. Power made it sound like something positive. Curse was a better description.
I had to admit that the dominating thought was how to keep Simon safe. But I reasoned that I couldn't keep him safe if I couldn't keep myself safe. So I decided to fashion a necklace out of the iridium elephant tusks, as my aunt had directed.
After I was finished eating at Colette's, I wandered over to an arts and crafts store nearby. I had no idea how to make the tusks into a charm since I had no creative talents. A sales associate took pity on me and showed me the tools I needed after I described to her what I wanted to do.
Fortunately, I only needed a chain, a soldering iron and a couple of small metal hoops to attach to the tusks where the chain would run through. A soldering iron sounded intimidating and expensive, but I was relieved to find out that it was relatively cheap and the saleswoman cheerfully gave me a demonstration on how to use it.
I walked home clutching my purchases, telling myself that I should be proud that I was being proactive about the whole situation instead of being in denial. That didn't stop me from constantly whipping around to make sure no one was following me. Good ol' paranoia. Except now I wasn't sure if it was paranoia or a healthy fear.
I spent the afternoon with my project, cursing the sales associate that had made using the soldering iron look so easy. It was hard enough breaking the tusks off. Physically, they came off pretty easily after I smacked the elephant hard against the concrete steps outside. Emotionally, the thought of ruining the one object that made me feel connected to my mother pained me. But I figured it was better to be alive and feel pain than to not feel anything at all. I wondered if I would always think this way.
I was finally able to crudely put the pieces together and slip it onto the chain. I put it on and tucked it under my shirt. I wasn't sure if it was my imagination but I immediately felt calmer when I felt the cool metal against my chest. I had just finished cleaning up when Sarah came home.
"What are you doing home?" she asked, dropping her backpack and coat onto the couch.
What was it with everyone today? Couldn't anyone say hello before interrogating me?
"I skipped my classes," I explained, knowing that Sarah would push for more. I never skipped classes. Ever. Even my junior year when I had been deathly ill with a fever, I had dragged myself to class.
Sarah walked in front of me and put her hands on her hips, her eyes narrowing. "What's going on? You look like you haven't slept at all." Her expression softened. "More visions?"
"No," I answered, shaking my head. I wasn't ready to tell Sarah what my aunt had told me, but I didn't want to lie to her either. There were enough complications in my life without that. "I'm just trying to process through things right now."
"What things?" Sarah demanded.
"I'm sorry, Sarah. I really can't go into it now. I promise I'll tell you when I'm ready."
"How can I just let it go? I can see it in your face, Caitlin. It's something more. Something worse. I've never seen you look so...haunted."
I rubbed my hand against my forehead. My exhaustion from my lack of sleep was starting to weigh me down. "Please Sarah. Don't push. I just need to work through some stuff on my own before I can share it with you. But you'll be the first person I tell. The only person."
Sarah looked at me sadly. "I didn't mean to pressure you. It just hurts me to see you looking so upset. Just know that I'll do anything to help you. Even if it means backing off."
I gave her a grateful smile as I felt a rush of love towards her. She was the one light in my darkness - something good and real I could hold on to. My mind wandered to Simon, but I quickly squelched the thought. I had ended whatever had been possible between us. For both our sakes. Now I just had to figure out how to keep him safe.
There was a loud knock on our door. Sarah walked to open it and I gaped when I saw Simon standing there. He was the last person I expected to see on our doorstep.
Sarah glanced back at me before she turned to Simon again.
"Hi Simon," she said, a little uncertainly. "This is a surprise."
He arched a brow. "A good surprise?" he asked ruefully.
"Of course," Sarah replied, although she glanced at me again. "Come in."
She stepped back to allow Simon to enter, and his presence seemed to overwhelm the living room. I wished I could run to my bedroom to escape him, but decided he had seen me looking foolish enough already.
"Hi Simon," I said, cursing my unsteady voice. He walked over to me and I had to fight the instinct to step back. I didn't know which side of Simon I would be getting.
He stopped before getting too close. "Why did you run off earlier?"
"I told you, I had something to do."
Simon looked over at Sarah who was still standing by the door, watching us.
"Do you mind giving us a second to talk alone?"
Sarah glanced over at me and paused. Then she looked back at Simon. "Yes. I mind."
Simon looked surprised at Sarah's response but I wasn't. She knew I was feeling anxious and cornered and didn't want to leave me alone. Sarah was all fun and frivolity most of the time, but she also had a fierce protectiveness when it came to her family and friends.
Simon frowned. "I'm not going to ravish her or anything."
I felt a blush growing at his response. Why did he always have to say things to make me off-kilter?
Sarah looked at me again and I shook my head slightly. It wasn't a good idea for me and Simon to be alone. I didn't think I could take the intensity of Saturday night's encounter right now. It was already an effort to keep myself standing.
Simon looked back at me and shrugged. "Okay. Well, I guess there's nothing I can't say in front of Sarah. I have a feeling she knows a lot more than I do."
I gulped but said nothing and waited.
"What's going on between you and Claudia?" Simon demanded.
Sarah gasped at the mention of the blonde's name and Simon looked at her sharply and then turned back to me. "Well?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to buy some time while I scrambled for an excuse. How could he know anything about my connection to Claudia? The only person that I had told about my vision was Sarah and I could tell by her reaction that she hadn't told him. Besides, I trusted Sarah to never reveal my secrets.
"I was watching you on Saturday night at the East End," he continued, not letting go of my gaze. "You seemed perfectly fine until you saw Claudia."
I shook my head, not knowing what to say. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I've tried to let it go. I've told myself not to care," Simon continued, almost as if he was talking to himself. "If you don't want to open up to me, it's not my problem. I have to stop making a fool of myself." He looked into my eyes fiercely. "But I can't. As much as you push me away, I can't seem to let it go. And it's because of the look you had in your eyes the other night. Like you were so scared you couldn't breathe. I can't handle seeing that look in your eyes."
I felt shattered by Simon's words but I had nothing to say to him in return.
"I saw that look again today when you saw Claudia.
You were scared."
"No," I said, panic rising in me. Simon was just too perceptive. The more I tried to hide, the more he seemed to be able to read me. My mind was racing a mile a minute and I couldn't seem to form a coherent thought. So I just repeated the word "No" as I felt my throat closing in, tears welling in my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of Simon so I lowered my head, breaking eye contact and willing myself not to cry.
"Caitlin," he said with a harsh sigh. "I don't want to hurt you. I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you the other night. I was just so frustrated. And I was hurt. I admit it. You say we barely know each other but I've come to care for you so much that it scares me sometimes. The last thing I want to do is cause you pain. That's why it's so hard for me to let this go. Please. Just tell me what's going on."
My head was still lowered and I shook my head, feeling tears escape. I couldn't take any more today. After the weekend, my aunt's revelations and seeing him with Claudia today, I was at my breaking point.
"Stop!" I heard Sarah cry out as she rushed over, putting herself between Simon and I. I had almost forgotten that she was there. "Simon, just stop! You have no idea what's happening. What you're doing to her."
"Sarah!" I said sharply, looking up. She was dangerously alluding to my visions. If Simon had an inkling that he was right in his suspicious, that something was scaring the hell out of me, I had a feeling it would be impossible to discourage him.
They both ignored me as Simon shifted his gaze to Sarah. "What do you mean? What am I doing to her?"
"What I mean is stop messing around with her!"
"I'm not-"
"You are! You think you can just waltz in here, into her life, and expect her to lay herself bare to you. You have no clue what she has to go through. Do you think just because you have the hots for her gives you some right to demand her to tell you things?! She's the strongest person I know. I could never deal with the things that she has to deal with. But the last thing she needs is someone like you, especially you, making her-"
"Sarah!" I interrupted loudly, grabbing her arm and turning her towards me, cutting off her speech. "Please," I begged, my eyes imploring. "Stop." I whispered the last word.