by Maree Green
I considered pushing past him. He was only small, and I knew I could most probably overpower him, but before I could decide if that was a good idea, another man appeared beyond the door, the rifle in his hand making the words I couldn’t understand suddenly very clear.
Something that resembled panic started pumping through my veins. “Who are you?” I demanded again, anger seeping through my voice. “Why are you holding me? Am I a prisoner?”
The man barked at me again and bent to drop the tray on the floor. Straightening, he pointed at me and waved his hands up and down, while spouting more incomprehensible words. Then he stepped through the threshold and slammed the door shut.
Clenching my fists at my sides, I tried to make sense of what just happened. I had no idea if they were preventing me from leaving to keep me safe or as an enemy. My frustration levels jumped up a few more notches. I hated that my only consolation was the fact that I wasn’t wearing an orange suit. Yet.
Sinking back down on the dirty blanket, I rested my head back against the wall and sighed, then I let my mind drift to the only thing that would make this tolerable. Amy. Thinking of her and the baby was the only thing that would get me through these long, dark minutes of solitude. I just hoped I would get the chance to see her again.
Chapter 47
Amy
Deployed time: 11 weeks
MIA: 1 week
From: Amy Benson [email protected]
To: Daniel Stephenson [email protected]
Date: Thu, Jun 23, 2016 at 9:12 AM
Subject: Please come home
Daniel,
It’s been a week since you’ve gone missing now. The longest week of my life. I can’t sleep. I can hardly eat. I can’t stop thinking about what might’ve happened to you. And every thought is worse than the last. I pray every minute of the day that you’re alive, safe, and unharmed. Please come home to me. I need you.
A x
The leaves on the old sycamore tree swayed gently in the breeze. Sunlight flickered hypnotically in time with their movements. Fast and slow. Fast and slow. It was a soothing dance in tune with a harmony only the elements could hear.
Sitting inside, separated only by a thin layer of glass, I wished I could be a part of it. I wished I could let go and just . . . be. Exist in complete clarity, surrounded by a calmness only knowledge and acceptance could bring. But I had neither of those things. No light. No clear vision. No contentment. All I had was a blanket woven with uncertainty and despair.
As I watched the slow dance continue outside the window, I just sat, my eyes stinging yet unable to shed any more tears, the future I was so certain of a week ago, wavering, unanchored, terrifyingly too ready to slip away from me.
For a week I’d been existing in this state. Treading water, yet drowning. Drowning, yet still breathing. For five days I’d been watched by worried eyes. Eyes belonging to those I wished I could reassure. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know how.
Fleetingly, I wondered how Daniel’s family was coping. It had been a hard task telling them the news. I’d barely known how to get the words out; then, when I had, I’d wanted to immediately take them back, as the thin threads of hope I’d been clinging to so tightly stretched even further as I watched Susan’s despair.
Drawing in a deep breath, I exhaled, long and slow, before bringing my knees in closer to my chest. As I lifted my gaze to the sky, I said a small, silent prayer that today would be the day I heard Daniel had been found alive and well.
A soft click sounded from the other side of the room behind me. It broke through the invisible bubble I’d carefully placed myself in, causing a twinge of guilt to settle over me like a fine layer of mist.
In my peripheral vision, a shadow passed by my side before sitting at the end of the window seat.
“Hey, sweetie.”
I turned at the sound of Alex’s voice, attempting a smile, but failing miserably. “Hey.”
“How are you doing?”
Inhaling, I searched inside myself, trying to find a little piece of me that was doing okay, just so I could at least give that to him. Sighing, I lowered my gaze to my knees. “I don’t know.”
Glancing back up, I offered a silent apology.
Alex remained silent, his gaze penetrating and thoughtful. After a few moments, he shifted on the seat, bringing one leg up and leaning back against the wall. “I knew Seth pretty well when I was in college. Did you know that?”
Surprise flared. I wasn’t sure if it was from the information he just divulged or the unexpected topic. I shook my head, curious.
“I also used to see your parents a bit.”
I was unprepared for the lump that formed in my throat with that.
“And you . . . I saw you too.”
I frowned. I didn’t understand what he meant.
Alex smirked. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m quite observant.”
Wariness started creeping in. I could see some method of strategy forming in his eyes, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to like where it would take me.
“Seth had it pretty easy when it came to your parents,” he started. As the argument began to form in my eyes, his eyebrow twitched. “Oh, I know he had some hoops to jump through, but on the whole, he had it pretty easy. He was lucky that what he wanted in life coincided with what your parents considered successful.”
Understanding began to settle inside me. He was right.
“You, though . . . ” His expression turned pensive. “You never had that. You never found that one thing that excited you. That one thing that bought you acceptance.”
Pain squeezed my chest. I didn’t understand why, but knowing someone outside my close circle could see what I’d felt all those years made the sadness in it so much more real.
“But do you know what?” he said.
I met his gaze, clinging to his every word, unsure why, but needing to hear what he was going to tell me like it was the only thing that would get me through.
“I saw strength in you, Amy. I saw it then, and I see it now. I know you don’t, but I see it. You don’t know it any other way, but let me tell you. It takes strength of the highest kind to go each and every day, being scrutinized, watched, expected to measure up, expected to not measure up. But each and every day you got up, and you tried. You jumped through hoops, and you did your best to reach that mark your parents etched into the sky. You’ve spent your whole life feeling like you’re just not good enough because you’ve been unable to touch it, but do you want to know the reason why you haven’t been able to?”
Tears slipped down my cheeks. I nodded.
“It’s because you don’t look up at the same sky, Amy. The sky they look up to is a fake. It’s just a fancy room with a ceiling. The sky you look up to is the honest to God sky. It’s Heaven. It’s without limits. That mark your parents scratched in theirs? You’ve already surpassed it. You did that the day your strength helped you walk away from them.”
I blinked, trying so hard to absorb his words. To believe even just one of them.
Alex touched my hand. “That strength is still inside you, Amy. It’s a part of you. What’s happening right now is just the next test. Don’t let it beat you. Fight. Daniel’s missing. That’s all anybody knows. Until somebody tells you differently, don’t give up. If Daniel is out there somewhere, he’s going to need you to not give up. He’s going to need you to fight.”
I stared into Alex’s eyes, long and hard. His words made so much sense, but I wasn’t so sure he was right about me. I didn’t think I was strong enough. Not for this.
Alex narrowed his eyes. “Don’t listen to the doubt, Amy. The truth is right there, inside you. You’re not a white sheep like your parents wanted you to be. You’re different from every person you know. You found love. You got married. You’re having a baby. You’re starting your own family. No one else you know has done any of those things. Yes, I know it terrified you and you feared being judged, but you stood up and you o
wned it. You lifted your chin and told everyone that this is what you’re doing, and you were damned happy about it. You’ve carved your own path, Amy. That takes more strength than following the damned flock. Trust me. I know.”
I knew he was right. I did. Everything he said made complete sense to me. I just didn’t know how I was supposed to fight. Everything I knew, everything I’d been told about Daniel’s disappearance, pointed to a very slim chance of survival. My protective instincts were telling me to prepare for the worst.
“I’m scared, Alex. What if I let myself hope, then they tell me he’s gone?” I squeezed my eyes shut with the pain that thought brought. “My instincts are telling me to protect myself, to prepare for the worst, but the thought of giving up on him scares me too.”
Alex squeezed my hand. “Sweetie, every day, someone, somewhere, has to make a difficult decision. A decision that has the potential to end in pain. Easy choices aren’t always the right ones. The ones that are hard—the ones that hurt the most—are usually the ones that mean the most. Don’t give up hope just because you think it might hurt you later on. You’re tougher than that.”
I wanted to believe him. So much it twisted my heart into a tight little knot. But without Daniel, I just wasn’t so sure . . .
Chapter 48
Daniel
Deployed time: 15 weeks
MIA: 4 weeks
Amy,
I feel like everything is slipping away from me. Like I’m on my way to losing everything. I’m alone. I don’t know where I am. I don’t even know who has me locked up. People come every day, but they don’t speak English, and they won’t even try to communicate with me. I’ve tried using my strength to get out, but it’s useless. Just know I love you. Always.
Daniel.
I didn’t have dreams anymore. Just nightmares. They plagued me every time I closed my eyes, jolting me awake, fighting an invisible enemy and gasping for breath.
Days came and went, with no way to tell when one ended and a new one began. My world was only darkness or artificial light.
Once a day, or so it seemed, someone would appear with the usual tray of food and water. Each time they came, I tried to get answers. Who were they? What did they want with me? Had they been in contact with the US Forces?
I never got any answers.
My body ached, and my mind was slowly losing strength. But it was my heart that suffered most. Every minute of every waking hour, I thought of Amy. I knew she would know I was missing by now. I hated that. I hated what it would be doing to her.
It was hard, but I tried to use those thoughts to stay strong. For Amy. For our baby. To stay focused enough to find a way back home to them. It was all I had.
Shifting on the cold, hard floor, I rolled my shoulders, trying to ease the pain that never seemed to leave me. My stomach twisted in pain. It told me it had been longer than twenty-four hours since my usual visitor had been in. But how was I to know, really?
Struggling to my feet, I began pacing the small space, trying to get movement and blood flow to every part of my body before dragging a small wooden box into the center of the room.
This was my daily ritual. It was the only thing that made me feel like I still had any control left. I started with box jumps, sit-ups and push-ups, then moved on to jumping jacks and burpees. Then I did it all again.
I was halfway through my third set and almost to the point of being physically sick when the sound of an outer door being opened pulled me to an abrupt halt. Panting, I stumbled back against the wall and waited, a slight twinge of anxiety filtering through my blood. Even though experience told me it was just the usual food and water delivery, I wasn’t about to let myself become complacent.
Keys jangled in the lock. I tensed, sweat trailing down my temple.
The first sign that told me I’d been right to be wary was the lack of a food tray in the guy’s hands. The next was the two guys behind him. With assault rifles.
Strengthening my stance, I eyed them defiantly. The one who opened the door stepped forward, a rush of Arabic spilling from his mouth, as if I could fucking understand him. In his hands was a coil of rope and a black cotton sack.
My pulse broke free of my restraints the second comprehension came to me.
“If you think I’m going to let you tie me up without a fucking fight, you’re delusional,” I growled.
The guy reached for my arm, but I blocked him with a swift swipe downwards before shoving him hard in the chest. My entire body tensed, ready to spring and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, but before I could unleash myself, I had the end of a rifle barrel thrust within a foot of my face.
I stared down at the face on the other end, his features contorted with rage as he screamed what I assumed were obscenities at me. Slowly, I moved back against the wall again, my mind still defiantly searching for a way to tell them all to get fucked.
Time was not on my side, though. The instant my back hit the wall, I was set upon. The asshole with the rope grabbed me and spun me so my face was pressed against the wall, the rough surface scratching at my cheek.
Resistance was automatic. This was the first time they’d manhandled me, and my instinct was telling me it wasn’t good. I needed to fight.
Cold, hard metal pressed against my head, and the bastard with the rifle started shouting at me again. With teeth gritted hard, I forced my body to stop. My arms were yanked behind my back, and I felt the rope being wrapped around my wrists. A split second later, the sack was pulled over my head, and everything went black.
For the first time in my life, I finally understood what fear really meant.
I prayed that this wasn’t the end.
Chapter 49
Amy
Deployed time: 16 weeks
MIA: 6 weeks
From: Amy Benson [email protected]
To: Daniel Stephenson [email protected]
Date: Sat, Jul 30, 2016 at 2:46 PM
Subject: I love you so much
Daniel,
I didn’t know missing someone could hurt so much. I feel like huge pieces of my soul are missing from me. It hurts to breathe. It’s been too many days since you’ve gone missing. It scares me so much. Please be okay. Please come home to me. I love you.
Amy xx
Silence filled the room, the air strained with an uncomfortable, stifling energy.
Infinitesimally, I shifted on the couch, trying to ease the slight ache in my lower back, while keeping my gaze determinedly on the coffee table in front of me.
Long moments passed, the silence becoming even more pronounced. It scratched at me, calling a need to use my other senses to compensate.
In my peripheral vision, Ryan sat across from me, one leg bent, his foot resting on his other knee as it occasionally bounced. I didn’t need to look to know he was staring at me. I could feel it like little pins prickling my skin.
Pressing my lips together, I tried to find something to occupy my mind while I waited for Susan to return from the kitchen. This was why I rarely came by. As it was, I’d come on a whim, needing to submerge myself in Daniel’s belongings. I hadn’t been expecting either of them to be home.
I didn’t mind, really. I wasn’t exactly trying to avoid them, but sometimes being around them made the pain in my heart so much worse, it was almost crippling. Especially Ryan.
Drawing in a slow, deep breath, I tried to focus on the positive. This was Daniel’s family. If anyone had any idea what I was feeling, it was them. They were the only ones who could possibly understand. We needed to support each other, not avoid each other.
Without making a conscious decision to do so, I glanced up at Ryan, finding I was right. He was staring at me.
“What?” I asked, trying to get an understanding of where his head was at.
Ryan didn’t speak. He simply sat and watched me, some kind of internal monologue scrolling through in the depths of his eyes.
I wasn’t sure what it was that I saw, but it made me
uncomfortable.
“What?” I asked again, this time a hint of a warning in my tone.
A few more heartbeats thumped before his gaze broke, swinging to stare out the window instead.