by Yarro Rai
“Asshole, what the hell are you looking at?” The hooker brought my gaze back. Every time I turned away, the darkness grew and kept on growing.
The girl lit a cigarette and stretched out a little bit on the bed. “Are you still afraid of the dark, big boy?” She let out a puff of smoke. “When will you cum? I can’t wait for you the entire night. I don’t know what the hell your problem is. First you nearly choked me and were hitting me pretty hard, and now you're lying next to me like a scared little boy. Are you afraid that a monster will come out of that darkness and eat you?” She mocked.
I listened to every word she said, but couldn’t explain it to her.
“Can you...Can you stroke my hair?” I asked her, surprised by my own request.
“Damn it, Johnny, are you joking? Just give me the money if you're not going to finish. I've got other clients to meet.”
But I was looking for something else. I just wanted her to stay for few more minutes. I wanted to hold her until my heartbeat returned to normal.
But why would she let me do that? She wasn't my girlfriend, or my sister, or my mother. I took out the money.
“Would you please just spend some time with me?” I dreaded the thought of being alone again.
“Go fuck yourself. Just give me my money.”
“Please...I don't even need cuddling or anything...We could just lay here with our clothes on and maybe talk a little bit while your stroke my hair.”
“Now you're just pissing me off.”
I handed her the money before she got angrier than she already was. And then she said it.
“Hey, Johnny...so Edi told me that you were fucked by a pedophile when you were kid." My heart stopped. "Tell me, how did it feel? Did he fuck you in ass? Is that why you're so screwed up?” She let out a bitter laugh.
“Shut the fuck up!" I yelled and I sprang up, pulling on my pants. "Go fuck yourself!”
I stomped out of the room and slammed the door shut, not even bothering to look behind me.
Edi told her? What the hell! The bastard can’t keep his mouth shut!
It’s always been hard to get over that. People say that there's a lot of fresh air in the street, but I suffocate here. The smell of people slowly rotting is everywhere. There are small puddles all over the place, and skinny dogs sniffing around the garbage. The whole world is intoxicated in its own rhythm.
I walked in that same rotting world. I walked to the corner of the street, and my worst fear sat there, staring at me: an old, withered homeless man, sipping his bottle of rum. He was always there on Fifth Street and always staring at me. His bloodshot eyes seemed to scream at me: One day, you'll end up like this, too, and there's nothing you can do about it. And, like a child who crosses the street as quickly as possible because he's afraid of bullies, I rushed passed him.
No, I will never end up like him. I can't end up like him. I have to do something. I can...I...What can I do? What can I become?
I looked up at the sky. Dark thunder clouds hovered over me. Monsoon season was knocking at the door.
Why do I feel such unrest? Is it because I want revenge? The man from my childhood still haunted me. Or is there something deeper wrong with me? Why do I feel so empty? The monster inside me quietly walked alongside my shadow.
Thank God I'm not alone.
I entered an abandoned shopping mall and was greeted by the sight of a gathering of homeless people. The majority of them were sitting around taking dope, trying to forget reality for a moment. That broken shopping mall was the address of many homeless people, including me.
“Hey, Johnny, where were you?” Edi hugged me. I felt his body sway against mine. He was high again.
“Did you tell that hooker about my past?”
“What hooker? What are you talking about?” Edi tried to act casual, but I knew him very well.
“Don’t play dumb with me, alright.”
“Okay, okay. So it slipped out of mouth. I was high, we were hooking up, and it just came out. I know you're sensitive and all that kind of shit, so I'm sorry.” Edi took a puff before speaking again. “And why are you worrying, man? By tomorrow, everything'll be alright. I talked with Katherine again, and she confirmed that he's here. Just hold on until tonight, and we'll shoot that bastard right in the dick.”
I sat down with them and joined the party, but there were hardly any drugs as intoxicating as man’s fate. The thought of the next day spun in my mind.
“Do you think we should trust Katherine? I mean, she's so rich...Why the hell would she want to help me out? I don’t trust these rich bitches.”
“Man, you're just thinking too much. And why do you care? You found your guy. That’s it. Take your revenge, and get high.”
Eight years. I've been looking for him for eight years. And tomorrow, I'll put a bullet between his eyes.
I reached into my pocket and felt the cold body of the gun waiting patiently. I let my fingers circle the barrel, trying to drown my thoughts.
“Hey man,” Edi passed me a syringe.
I threw out my cigarette and glanced around the broken hall. The busted chairs, the cardboard, the rust everywhere. Chaotic, like my life. I lifted my jacket sleeves to let the dope inside my vein, but a tattoo on the back of my hand caught my eye in the dim light. No fancy stuff, no dragon or star, just six letters: ESTHER. Esther, the only good thing I can recall in my life.
Why did I ink her name? What was I thinking?
I stared at the letters for a while, until I heard the sweet laughter of a small girl behind me. I turned, but there was nobody to be seen.
“What happened?” Edi asked me. His head was shaking like a vibrator. He looked ready to drop any minute.
“Nothing.”
Would she even remember me now? She must have grown into a beautiful woman. Rich, smart...and maybe obnoxious. No, she won’t remember me. She definitely won’t...But she promised she would. What am I even thinking?
I hurriedly injected myself before I went crazy fantasizing about a girl who wouldn’t even recognize me. I closed my eyes and waited. Slowly, it hit me. I first couldn't feel my face, then my hands, and soon everything else followed. Suddenly, the world felt like a different place. It was blurred and numb and warm and distant, all at once. I sat down and stared up through a hole in the ceiling at the moon. Garbage was scattered on the ground around me.
Tomorrow it will be over, tomorrow I will get peace. I murmured to myself, rubbing the cold surface of my gun.
***
Esther’s Diary
I know, our first meeting didn’t last long. But it left sparks, pure sparks. I had met a boy from another world. His deep eyes, his tattered clothes, those rough hands.... I blushed at the thought that it was my first encounter with any boy outside of my social class.
I saw him again the day after we met. I was trying to write with my finger on the glass window of a restaurant that my dad was buying. I was so happy and busy playing alone with what little time I got. No butler, no maid, no private tutor to bother me. As I cleared the dusty glass with my palm, I saw him run past, followed by an angry looking crowd of pursuers. But why was he being chased? What did he do? He was just a kid, and kids were supposed to be loved by adults. Those adults were chasing him, throwing stones, shoes, and whatever else they could find. Is this the outside world my dad always warns me about?
I snuck out unnoticed, and ran in the direction I saw Johnny go. The fear of getting lost was strong, but my curiosity was stronger. This time, I was much more cautious and I turned down the same alley I had seen them turn. But there was no sign of him. I took a few more steps, looking for him, but he still was nowhere to be found.
Then suddenly a big cardboard box moved next to me. And before I could even jump, that cardboard box had a face. He looked up and down the street before noticing that I was looking at him. Then he stood up and stepped out of the box.
We stared at each other silently.
“Are you hungry?” I said, hoping
to break the awkward silence.
But there was no reaction from him. I pulled out some chocolate from my bag and gave it to him. He cautiously took it from me and looked me up and down. I didn't know what he was checking.
“What’s your name?” I asked him while he bit hungrily into the chocolate. He stopped and chewed for a moment before speaking.
“Johnny.”
“Johnny,” I murmured back. There was something in that name--or in him--that kept me wondering. I couldn't tell if he was older than me or younger than me, so I asked.
“How old are you?”
“I am about to be ten.”
I looked at his hands. They were filled with more scrapes and scars than I had even seen, yet alone on a nine-year-old boy. What did he do with those hands?
“Can I touch your hand?” I asked him before I could take it back.
He looked at me and nodded. I gently touched his hands, and his rough hands tickled my soft skin slightly. I really liked the sensation.
He pulled his hands back, turned, and started to walk. I followed him. I expected him to ask me my name, too, but his question was different.
“Do you know how to pickpocket?” He looked at me with his deep eyes.
What kind of question is that? I shook my head. He sat down on the sidewalk a little way away from a group of beggars.
“So tell me, do you go to school?” I asked to break the silence.
“Yeah, I've heard about it. What do they teach you there? How to be arrogant?”
Why would he say that? How can I be arrogant if I'm sitting here and listening to a boy like him? And how can he say something like that when my parents say schooling is a very important part of life? I never knew the secret behind his comment until later.
“No, it’s not like that. They teach good things, things that we need to survive.”
“Really.”
Is he mocking me? Even if he was, I was intrigued.
Just as the thought cleared my mind, a man walking past us threw a coin at us. Maybe he had mistaken us for beggars?
Johnny quickly snatched it up and pocketed it. “Remember, be the first one, or you're no one. So what'll you do when you get home?”
Something told me our conversation wouldn't last much longer.
“Hey, I just want to say thank you for that day. You're really brave." I said sincerely. "Let's shake hands. My dad says it's a way to show gratitude or greet people.”
“So what are we now, friends?” He fixed his eyes on me.
“I think so.”
"There he is!" A man shouted in the distance and started to run towards us.
Johnny pushed me away and started to run. When the man reached me, he rushed past and followed him. I got up and sprinted after. I tried to keep up with them, but I was slowly lagging behind. I was panting for breath. For a few seconds, I lost sight of them. I ran up the street while looking frantically. Then I saw him.
A policemen was grabbing Johnny by the hair and dragging him away. His eyes were starting to fill with tears and he reached out to try and seize anything that could help free him from the man's grasp. No matter how loudly he cried out, the man didn't loosen his grip. I started to panic.
I should help him, but what would I say to the police? What if my parents hear about it? How can I explain that I befriended a boy like him?
My thoughts were buzzing, but I didn’t have the courage to do anything. Slowly, the picture was becoming clear: two different worlds existed in just the distance of a few yards.
I felt helpless and sorry for Johnny. Luckily, though, that wasn’t the last time we met.
***
Johnny’s Diary
“I think it’s his car,” I said to Edi, who was fidgeting with his last pouch of cocaine that he had been resisting for three days. We were hiding inside the construction building, wearing worker's uniforms, while other workers were packing up their stuff to go home. I looked at my watch: 5:05 pm. It was already getting late.
“Jesus, I can’t believe you still have that stupid cartoon watch.” Edi still hadn't given up on mocking the silly-looking watch that Esther had given to me years back. I had thought of throwing it away countless times, but couldn’t. It was the only gift anyone had ever given to me.
“Whatever. Let’s just focus on our job,” I said, trying to change the topic.
We went down from the second floor to the first floor, following the car. We were waiting for it to become completely dark. The workers were already gone, and only the contractor stood there to receive him. His back was to us. He had one bodyguard and one secretary who he seemed to be repeatedly telling something.
I checked my gun again. There were enough bullets to take my revenge, but I didn’t want to give him an easy death. I wanted to break his face first. Then cut out his balls. After that, I was going to shoot him in the legs, then in his arms, and at last between the eyes. I repeated my plan for revenge over and over again in my head. The wait was over: the sun was long gone, and darkness was looming in.
The builder was showing them around and telling them what their investment would look like. I waited for the perfect moment, trembling. They talked for a few more minutes. The builder left. The secretary stopped and continued to stare at the unfinished building before the man came and brought her a coat.
They were about to leave, so I closed in and hid behind a pair of huge barrels. There were still bright lights towering all over the place.
First, I'll shoot the bodyguard in the shoulder. Once his security is down, then we can chat with him... and the hot secretary. I don’t want to hurt anybody innocent. Then I'll have my sweet revenge. I wanted to do it all quietly without making too much fuss about it. I aimed at his shoulder, and before he could get into the car, I shot at him. The shot rang loudly in the empty building.
“Damnit! The body guard has been alerted!” I whispered to Edi.
The bad news was that I had missed his shoulder and hit the bodyguard's shoulder instead, but the good news was that their safety net was gone. I heard the bodyguard scream as blood started to drip from his arm.
“Who did you shoot?” Edi's eyes were wide open and staring at me.
“The bodyguard jumped like a monkey; it’s not my fault!” I tried not to let them out of my sight from behind the barrels.
“Now what?” Edi asked.
“I think we should jump now, before they settle down. Their bodyguard's down, so I think it'll be easy for us.”
He and the secretary were frantically trying to help the injured bodyguard into the car.
Then he turned, scanned the room, and spotted us. He turned to his secretary.
“Run!” He shouted.
I jumped out of my hiding place and pushed him to the ground before he could run. The bodyguard fell, bleeding profusely. He tried to hold on to us, but Edi and I were too much for him.
“Just run!” He shouted at his secretary again, who gave us one frightened and confused last glance before sprinting away. The sound of her high heels echoed against the concrete.
I held him by his collar, and was about to beat the shit out of him. But as soon as I saw his face up close under the lighting, I realized it.
It wasn't him. It was another man dressed exactly like him.
“Fuck! You're not him! Are you playing games with me? Where the hell is your boss? Tell me, where is he!?” I screamed, clutching him by his suit.
And then all of a sudden, I felt a big thud as a plank of wood collided against me. Thankfully, the blow wasn't as strong as I had expected. I turned to see who it was.
It was his secretary. His beautiful, sexy secretary wrapped in a black dress with a diamond bracelet shining on her arm, diamond earrings in her ears, and a piece of ply board in her hands.
“How dare you?” I let go of the man's suit and moved towards her. Before I could reach her, the man grabbed me and shouted to her.
“Run!”
Now she was in trouble.
; She started to run, sensing that either she would have to hit me harder or try not to be a hero at all. I wanted to catch her, but the man wouldn’t let me go. He clung to my t-shirt and grabbed Edi as he tried to run after her.
“She's getting away!” Edi shouted.
“You get her. I'll handle this bastard.” I turned and punched the man in the face. He bent over, and I punched him again. He groaned. I punched him again. Seeing that he had been weakened, I grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him into a glass window that had been lying on the floor.
“Take her inside,” I shouted to Edi, who had just come back and was dragging the struggling young woman. He pulled her into the construction building. She tried to free herself desperately.
“Leave me alone! Let go of me, you bastards!” She shouted, but the place was empty and her voice echoed in the unfinished building.
“If you want money, I can give you all the money you want. Just let me go!” Tears rolled down her cheeks and she was trying hard to struggle. Lying on the ground, her white, sexy thighs were still shining in the dim light.
“First, tell me where he is.”
“Who?”
“Your boss!”
“There is no boss! I'm the boss! I swear. I'm the new CEO!”
“Liar! Where is your boss? Tell me now!” I tightened my grip on her.
She started to sob. The sky shook with thunder, and within a few seconds, rain started to pelt the ground outside.
“I don’t think she'll tell us, not like this." Edi turned to me and said. "We'll have to be a little rough.”
Edi started to touch her thighs. She snatched Edi’s hand and threw it off her. He slapped her across the face and started to touch her again.
“I think she's a virgin.” Edi sniffed her, as if her perfume were the indicator.
“Tell me where he is, and I'll let you go.” I tried to reason with her, but she kept sobbing and repeating the same thing.
“I don’t know who you're talking about...I don’t have any boss. I'm the boss...I swear I'm not lying,” her eyes were red and her lashes held tears like morning dew.